Was it unreasonable to trick her to go to school?

[Unreasonablebetty]

I feel awful. Really. Really awful.
My little girl has been complaining of a few mystery illness symptoms over the past almost week.
She tried to tell me she had a throat infection, and told me symptoms that added up to a urinary tract infection- both of these things we've had more than a few times, so I took her off to the drs, she had a a tummy ache before these symptoms and has complained since of a tummy ache.

So yesterday she was off of school, she said it felt like a punch before she needed to poo, so I thought that doesn't sound too far from normal, but she then complained of a tummy ache but looked quite sickly last night before bed.

She woke up this morning complaining of a tummy ache again, which seemed to disappear when she was told she didn't need to go to school.
I then thought, if she's that unwell she's not gonna want to do anything.
How about bowling today I say? Yes perfect idea she says, or will it hurt your tummy?
No mummy that's a perfect idea.
I then gave her e clothes off the radiator and told her to put them on cos they were really warm.

We then got in the car, she had completely perked up and was acting like a normal happy unwell excited child, until she realised that we were turning onto the school road.

I was t trying to be horrible to her, but what I was trying to do was see if she stayed quite content with the idea of doing more in the day, because In my view, if you are happy enough to go bowling and what else you are well enough for school. And this way I could rest assured that she is infact ok, and I've not sent an ill child to school.

I just feel it was so bad to be so deceptive to her, and I'm still worrying that maybe there is something wrong.

I explained this to the ladies in the office, who assured me that they'll look into the situation with the teachers and find out if there's any reason for her to not want to be at school.

[Enjolrass]

How old is she ?

Honestly I think that pretty awful.

Just tell her she is going to school or not. Tricking her with a fun day out is really quite mean. It's also teaches her it's ok to lie to get what you want.

Most kids (and probably adults) may feel ill but could pull themselves together for something fun.

What is the doctors point of view?

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

It's also teaches her it's ok to lie to get what you want.

This.

And that Mummy is a bit cowardly and not fully in charge.

[InTheBox]

How old is she?

There was really no need for the trick, it was mentioned upthread that you could have just said "if you're well enough for bowling then you're well enough for school."

[Unreasonablebetty]

i thought I'd put what the Drs said, absolutely nothing wrong, I have anxiety so I understand it. I understand that she may well have a tummy ache if she's anxious but she shouldn't be, everything's gotten a lot better at school, she was bullied last year, but this year it's not an issue, she has lots of friends and is doing quite well academically.

I did worry that the deception was terrible, I really did, but I felt that was the only way I would know if she was having me on. I don't want her to fall behind at school because she's only just caught up, I want her to keep doing well, and it doesn't do her any good to fall behind or avoid school, last year we dealt with the bullying issues so well, I don't think that she wouldn't tell me if she had them again.

I did tell her as we pulled up that yes she was going to school, but because she seemed better, she was still going bowling, but only this evening not this morning.

I of course didn't intend to be awful to her, I love her and I don't know why I did it, I just thought I would be able to gauge whether she really was ill or not.
I can't judge these things by what she tells me, because she does have form of telling me she's unwell when there's nothing wrong, and i get really anxious- I do have anxiety, and it gives me panic attacks cps I then jump to the conclusion that she's dying.

She already had yesterday off because of this mystery illness, and she had Monday morning off to go to the Drs.

I did deal with it appallingly didn't I. I knew it as we got into the car and she realised before I'd had a real chance to explain.
I often act a bit of a twat and shrug it off, but I know I fucked up big time this morning.
I shouldn't have done it at all. I just thought I would then know she had been fibbing and I'd feel better sending her to school.

[Enjolrass]

I often act a bit of a twat and shrug it off, but I know I fucked up big time this morning

To your dd or in general?

[WorraLiberty]

That's not unreasonable. Another case of people replying before they fully read the post.

That's a bit arrogant isn't it?

I mean to assume people didn't fully read the post because they disagree with you, and think the OP is unreasonable?

[witsender]

How old is she?

[Crabbitface]

I don't think that you're a terrible parent, but i do think you were unreasonable.

I understand that your child was perhaps faking, but I would be more concerned about why. I would have let her take the day off and spent it doing boring things but spent a while talking to her about school, life, friends etc. Not grilling, but giving her an opportunity to tell you why she is not enjoying going to school.

I do think you will need to work on trust with her. She lied to you about being poorly and you retaliated by lying! This will only prove to her that lying is ok to achieve your goal. I think a long heart to heart is needed to promise not to lie to each other any more.

Good luck Op. Hope she's ok.

[timelytess]

Will she ever be able to trust you? Poor little girl. Something is making her want to avoid school and you have tricked her into going.

[witsender]

I fully read it, and I fully disagree with the OP. I have a 5 year old,and the thought of her excited little face realising mummy had tricked her makes me quite sad.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

I often act a bit of a twat and shrug it off,

Ha, don't we all?

Two thoughts;

1. You don't know for sure that everything is fine at school now. Teachers often don't know what goes on in the playground, loos etc
   
   
2. If you have anxiety and she has that tendency too, please always bear in mind that her BIGGEST protection is having one adult to listen and back her up - someone she can completely trust.
   
   I'm sure you'll find a way to start to put it right.

[catfordbetty]

I did tell her as we pulled up that yes she was going to school, but because she seemed better, she was still going bowling, but only this evening not this morning.

I think this should have been part of your OP.

[Unreasonablebetty]

In general, not to my DD- I don't seem to act within the range that society sets out as normal in a lot of situations, don't know whether it's that I'm so anxious on most of my dealings with people that I just don't think, or that I lack the intelligence to deal with people. No idea!
But no, not at all to my daughter, maybe that stems from being more comfortable with her that it's easier to act in a normal manner around/towards her.
I just don't want anything I've said on other threads about other people to be used as ammo for me being a terrible parent.
I try my best to be the best parent o can be to her- and I understand that this morning was a complete fuck up.

[Enjolrass]

Another case of people replying before they fully read the post.

this always makes me laugh. 'I disagree with you so clearly your didn't read the thread'

[Damselindestress]

Since you suffer from anxiety yourself, you know it can't just be switched off and isn't always rational. So just because you think your daughter shouldn't be anxious about school as the situation has improved, doesn't mean she will automatically feel better. She might worry about being bullied again in future.

[Damselindestress]

I think open communication is the key here, not misleading her, although I know you had good intentions.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I think really young kids often lack the words to articulate that they are stressed or anxious, so can only explain it by saying their body hurts.

I think being stressed or anxious can make your tummy hurt.

Personally, I know that if mine say they are too ill to go to school, then they are either genuinely ill or there is some other sort of problem that we need to discuss and sort out, and a nice, cosy day at home is a good opportunity for those sort of chats. Because, on the whole, they like and enjoy school.

I work from home though, and am generally a bit slack about a spot of skiving. I think towards the end of a busy term it can all get a bit much and a day at home can be a good recharge.

[Fatherwishmas]

I think that this was mean and the only way to make amends is to take her bowling after school.

[Enjolrass]

OP have have aspergers , I find social situations difficult.

But I don't shrug it off when I realise I have fucked up. If you know you have fucked up (we all do it) shrugging it off isn't ok.

[witsender]

Call the school and check she is fine, then if she is, pick her up at normal time and take her bowling. Have a cuddle and a chat. We all do stupid things from time to time, and this only just registers so give yourself a break.

[CFSsucks]

I actually read the OP like this . When you got to the part where you asked her if she wanted to go bowling and she said yes and perked up, I assumed you were going to go on and say if she was well enough for that she was well enough for school.

I am actually gobsmacked that you did what you did. She will struggle to trust you. It was very poor judgement on your part.

I would assume the stomach aches are anxiety linked and something is going on that she possibly isn't telling you. She may struggle to tell you now though after this.

As an aside, when I was in year 4, I had crippling pains right across my stomach from one side to the other. They lasted about a year on and off. Nothing was ever found, I wasn't being bullied or unhappy at school. It was very bizarre but I remember it vividly and it was agony, I remember being doubled over and not able to move until it passed.

How old is your DD?

[Enjolrass]

Please speak to her.

You and the thrashers may think everything is ok now regards to bullying. But it may not be.

Dd was bullied and for a while it stopped she was always happy.

Dh saw her getting walloped as the kids were on the way out and when he spoke to her it turned out it wasn't ok. It was carrying on but she kept it to herself as she knew it would make us sad.

Kids can carry so much more than we think.

[Unreasonablebetty]

She's almost eight,
Crabbitface- that's a really good idea, I can explain to her why I did such a twattish thing to her, and why I thought it was a good idea at that time, and I'm here for her and that all I want is her to be happy.

Honestly I can't quite understand it, she's started breakfast club and after school club- we've recently had a change in circumstances which mean we don't need to use them anymore, but she has said she wants to be there... She's gained new friendships and things to do at lunch time.

I'd of course listen and back her up, I did when I found out she was being bullied, and I didn't stop going to the teacher until it was sorted. I am actually still quite proud of the way I (generally either too much of a pushover or quite over the top) dealt with it in an appropriate manner. It was dealt with and even now we talk about this subject, she knows I won't tolerate it and I think she feels quite secure knowing it would be sorted very quickly.

You could be right catfordbetty- I didn't want to make anything Easier on myself though...

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

In general, not to my DD- I don't seem to act within the range that society sets out as normal in a lot of situations

Small, silly things? Or important things?

[TheWitTank]

Personally I think that was pretty mean. If I offered my DS a treat like bowling he would be desperate to do it -so much so he would try and hide his sick feelings so he could do it. My DD once did swimming at school with a broken arm (long story, she fell off a climbing frame, school didn't realise the severity even though it was swollen and she was grey ). She was so determined not to miss out she insisted to the school she was fine to do it and struggled into her costume and got in. She had to get out after 10 minutes in agony. She didn't want to though!