Was it unreasonable to trick her to go to school?

[Unreasonablebetty]

I feel awful. Really. Really awful.
My little girl has been complaining of a few mystery illness symptoms over the past almost week.
She tried to tell me she had a throat infection, and told me symptoms that added up to a urinary tract infection- both of these things we've had more than a few times, so I took her off to the drs, she had a a tummy ache before these symptoms and has complained since of a tummy ache.

So yesterday she was off of school, she said it felt like a punch before she needed to poo, so I thought that doesn't sound too far from normal, but she then complained of a tummy ache but looked quite sickly last night before bed.

She woke up this morning complaining of a tummy ache again, which seemed to disappear when she was told she didn't need to go to school.
I then thought, if she's that unwell she's not gonna want to do anything.
How about bowling today I say? Yes perfect idea she says, or will it hurt your tummy?
No mummy that's a perfect idea.
I then gave her e clothes off the radiator and told her to put them on cos they were really warm.

We then got in the car, she had completely perked up and was acting like a normal happy unwell excited child, until she realised that we were turning onto the school road.

I was t trying to be horrible to her, but what I was trying to do was see if she stayed quite content with the idea of doing more in the day, because In my view, if you are happy enough to go bowling and what else you are well enough for school. And this way I could rest assured that she is infact ok, and I've not sent an ill child to school.

I just feel it was so bad to be so deceptive to her, and I'm still worrying that maybe there is something wrong.

I explained this to the ladies in the office, who assured me that they'll look into the situation with the teachers and find out if there's any reason for her to not want to be at school.

[mrtwitsglasseye]

That is a hideous, underhand and cruel thing to do. So you promised your child a special day with you doing something she would love and was excited about then instead took her to the place that's clearly causing her huge anxiety. How would you feel if that was done to you by your partner or friend?

I'm really disturbed by that.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

She sounds as though she has a severe case of twenty-to-nine pains.
But not a good idea to trick her; find out why she doesn't want to go to school and face up to her.

[mrtwitsglasseye]

If she is anxious, she won't feel well. That's just as real as physical illness, OP. And now she's just been disbelieved and betrayed by the one person she could trust, who should be on her side.

[catfordbetty]

We then got in the car, she had completely perked up and was acting like a normal happy unwell excited child, until she realised that we were turning onto the school road.

I didn't really follow this bit. Are you saying you thought she was actually unwell but, despite that, was happy and excited because she was going bowling?

[SarahSavesTheDay]

^I think 'unwell' is a typo.

[SarahSavesTheDay]

I'd really like to know the age of this child. Must be very young to believe she's going bowling. My kids would be deeply suspicious.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

OP I understand this is frustrating but I don't think that was an appropriate way to handle it. I'm sure this will have damaged your dd's trust in you.

Persistent tummy aches often mean worries at school ime. or needing a poo Friendship issues or someone being mean or struggling with something in class. I'd focus on getting to the bottom of it.

[stuffthenonsense]

Poor child. Expect some serious trust issues and repercussions.

[DonkeyOaty]

Was she wearing her uniform? Can't get my head round this really

[IssyStark]

No issue with suggesting going bowling, getting her in the car etc. to see if she was fibbing.

However I would have started talking to her in the car about how she felt, was her tummy still sore. Then if she said it felt better, then tell her in that case it is time to go to school as school is really important. Leaving her to figure it out herself is a cop out and teaches her not to trust you.

I think when you collect her this afternoon, you need to explain what you did and why, and then tell her that you'd booked a doctor's appt for her.

That said, she may not have been fibbing. I once had awful tummy ache and my parents suggested going for an ice-cream. I said yes, eat a whole knickerbocker glory but still had tummyache at the end. When they asked me if I felt better, I said yes because even at 6yo I knew to say no would sound ungrateful and I wanted to please them.

[IsabellaofFrance]

I think it was a mean trick.

Maybe her illness is anxiety based, maybe she is having a really awful time at school for one reason or another. Instead of being a person she can confide in, you have now become someone she can't trust.

[Fairiesarereal]

Cruel, very cruel.

She could have still been unwell but just really really wanted to go bowling.
What on earth possessed you to do that? How would you even think of it? Very strange

[lostInTheWash]

well - I wouldn't have done that.

If I really though she wasn't ill - I'd have insisted she'd go - and yes I'm aware that isn't easy and have done it even though we have to walk there with lots of shouting and foot dragging.

I would then have insisted on talking to the teacher - though I have experienced a teacher who kept not seeing any issue right up to point my child exploded as couldn't cope then it was all my DC. I would still do this as a matter of course.

If I really wasn't sure I'd do a GP appointment - get things checked out - possible going back to school in afternoon.

I wouldn't promise treats to a child for being ill - and I wouldn't then lie to them and take them to school.

( I'd also ask about ichy bottoms to rule out worms as that seem to cause random stomach issues with my DC and possibly just worm - this was a reoccurring issue for a one school year turn out they were despite giving out warning the were reusing constantly play-do across classes and years and groups for 6 months)

Still we all have moments that we could handle better. I'd be trying to see the teacher at pick up time and see what kind of day she had and what they though the problems were and what they could do to help.

[ghostspirit]

when my kids are ill they will chuck up the be bouncing of the walls. my kids have never been tucked up in bed and ill they are just the same as when they are not ill just that they chuck up. so if i asked my kids if they wanted to go out they would say yes... even if they were the sort of kids to be quitely ill tucked up. they would still want to go because i dont think they could put 2 and 2 together. ie im ill so i cant go out... mine would be year i can go out i will just run to the loo.

i dont think it was a nice thing to do. we are going bowling yaaaaay... no your not your going to school... not a nice thing to do to a child. its not always easy to tell if they are really ill enough to be of school though. but maybe trying s different way would be better. like others have said though look into why she may not want to go to school.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think the deception was a good idea. You should have said if you're well enough to go bowling then you're well enough for school. It was a mean trick.

[WilburIsSomePig]

I think you made a mistake. I don't think you're a terrible parent or cruel as has been suggested, I think you've probably been worried about your DD and trying to find out if she's been ill or pulling a fast one; and I believe you went about it the wrong way. You've already said that you feel really awful so I don't think you need any more of a kicking to be honest.

My best suggestion is to have a talk with her when she comes home, apologise for deceiving her and tell her you won't do it again (and mean it). Tell her that sometimes grown ups get it wrong and this is an occasion where you have and you're sorry. You do need to get to the bottom of her feeling unwell though, could there be anything going on at school that's worrying her?

[WorraLiberty]

I don't think I'd ever trust you again if you were my parent tbh.

And as a child, I would have wanted to go bowling even if I was really ill and the reality was I couldn't manage it when I got there.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

That is one of the most dumbfounding things I have ever read on MN

Don't you WANT her to trust you AT ALL?

[lostInTheWash]

I'd still be wanting to talk to the teacher directly rather than the office ladies - less chance of of getting, or miscommunication or how worried you are not getting communicated properly.

I understand at some school this is easier than others - it's not that easy at DC current school but polite insistence usually achieves it.

ghostspirit has a point - my younger DC don't make connections that they are ill means it won't be pleasant to do fun things - they assume I can magic toilets up at will sometimes or things will be okay because they wish it.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

ywbvvvu

somethings happening to not want to go, and now she can't trust you enough to tell you. or to deal with it.

very mean

[Aeroflotgirl]

OP yanbu at all, the fact she was suddenly well to go bowling, means that she will be ok, and not to pull the wool over your eyes. What did the Dr say?

[strawberryandaflake]

That's not unreasonable. Another case of people replying before they fully read the post. If it disappears when you say she can stay off school... Sounds like an excuse to me. If she really is ill it will get noticed a school and they'll call you. We're pretty good at spotting the fakers.

It saved the drama and proves to her you are not a pushover. That's a good lesson.

Too many parents believe everything their child says because they don't think their child would lie. All children lie if they think it will get them what they want. You aren't horrible.

[Damselindestress]

I know you wanted to make a point that if she was well enough for fun she was well enough for school but you didn't have to take it that far! Even if she was ill, she might have perked up temporarily because she was so excited about spending fun time with you. If the dr ruled out physical problems then it could be that she is anxious about school and that causes physical feelings, like stomach pain, that genuinely do ease when the worry about going to school is removed. Or it could be that she is putting it on because she is worried about going to school but you still need to work out why and address that, tricking her into going in will only make her feel more anxious and not address the underlying issue.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

That's not unreasonable. Another case of people replying before they fully read the post. If it disappears when you say she can stay off school... Sounds like an excuse to me. If she really is ill it will get noticed a school and they'll call you. We're pretty good at spotting the fakers.

If you think your child is malingering and needs to go in, you say so, you don't employ subterfuge

(And how do you know whether a couple of dozen of us 'fully read the post' flake? I did )

[Gileswithachainsaw]

strawberry

all kids would also pretend they were ok if they were told they could go somewhere fun.

it's not necessarily an accurate indicator of them.being well.