Was it unreasonable to trick her to go to school?

[Unreasonablebetty]

I feel awful. Really. Really awful.
My little girl has been complaining of a few mystery illness symptoms over the past almost week.
She tried to tell me she had a throat infection, and told me symptoms that added up to a urinary tract infection- both of these things we've had more than a few times, so I took her off to the drs, she had a a tummy ache before these symptoms and has complained since of a tummy ache.

So yesterday she was off of school, she said it felt like a punch before she needed to poo, so I thought that doesn't sound too far from normal, but she then complained of a tummy ache but looked quite sickly last night before bed.

She woke up this morning complaining of a tummy ache again, which seemed to disappear when she was told she didn't need to go to school.
I then thought, if she's that unwell she's not gonna want to do anything.
How about bowling today I say? Yes perfect idea she says, or will it hurt your tummy?
No mummy that's a perfect idea.
I then gave her e clothes off the radiator and told her to put them on cos they were really warm.

We then got in the car, she had completely perked up and was acting like a normal happy unwell excited child, until she realised that we were turning onto the school road.

I was t trying to be horrible to her, but what I was trying to do was see if she stayed quite content with the idea of doing more in the day, because In my view, if you are happy enough to go bowling and what else you are well enough for school. And this way I could rest assured that she is infact ok, and I've not sent an ill child to school.

I just feel it was so bad to be so deceptive to her, and I'm still worrying that maybe there is something wrong.

I explained this to the ladies in the office, who assured me that they'll look into the situation with the teachers and find out if there's any reason for her to not want to be at school.

[sparklesandglitterxx]

yanbu

genius IMO

[user789653241]

What does she do if she stays at home?

When my Ds tells me he's ill and I'm a bit suspicious, I tell him that he has to go back to bed and stay in bed, since he is ill. This normally do the trick. If he is really ill, he would go back to bed, if not, he says he started to feel better.

I don't think you are terrible parent, just made a mistake this time, that's all. At least if you take her bowling after school, you didn't lie to her. You didn't say you were going bowling right now instead of school, did you?

[Hoppinggreen]

Swell you've done it now so no point in worrying about it but I think it was totally the wrong thing to do.
If you think your child is skiving deal with it like an adult but ticking her was pretty awful.
Just learn from it and move on

[Fairiesarereal]

I still think it was a cruel thing to do but you know you made a mistake, so move on. Collect her from school, take her bowling and use the time to talk to her about what is worrying her (if anything) about school.

[wannaBe]

a lot of overreactions on this thread. disturbed? cruel? will have trust issues for the rest of her life? come on.

While I might not have done what the op did, I can well imagine that if you have a child who uses illness as a way to get out of e.g. going to school, then there comes a point at which you reach the end of your teather and will do anything to prove the point.

If she is ill the school will send her home. I have one who occasionally becomes anxious about going back to school, usually after a bout of illness, and it's usually something completely inocuous like the homework he feels he might have missed or a detention he might get for not handing it in on time. So I send him out the door telling him that if he's ill they will send him home. And by the end of the day he bounces through the front door perfectly happy and well again.

Op, you haven't failed as a parent. You haven't set your daughter up for trust issues for the rest of your life, no really, you haven't.

When your dd comes home I would have a chat with her along the lines of whether anything is bothering her. And I would use today's example as a lesson in how disappointing it is when you realise that someone has lied to you to get their own way. You feel that she wasn't telling the truth about her tummy so she didn't have to go to school and that made you very sad. And so when she thought she was going bowling instead of going to school it disappointed her to realise that in fact she was going to school and that mummy had pretended to take her bowling. It's not a lesson in how to lie, it's a lesson in how it feels to be disappointed when others lie, and to treat others as you want to be treated.

None of us are perfect parents. We all do things differently. And sometimes we do things which in retrospect we wish we hadn't. but that's ok. We just don't do them again.

Your daughter won't be permanently scarred by this one incident. In years to come she will likely post here saying that when she tried to skive off school her mother pretended they were going somewhere exciting and then she realised she'd been caught out.

[Crabbitface]

And so when she thought she was going bowling instead of going to school it disappointed her to realise that in fact she was going to school and that mummy had pretended to take her bowling. It's not a lesson in how to lie, it's a lesson in how it feels to be disappointed when others lie, and to treat others as you want to be treated.

wannaBe Fantastic way of turning it all around to hopefully achieve something positive.

[Pippa12]

We've all made rubbish decisions with our children, try not to feel too bad. As they say they don't come with a handbook, it's not like you took her to school so you could go to the pub, you don't want her to fall behind! I'd chalk it up to experience and have a good chat to her when she gets in. don't beat yourself up xxx

[stayathomegardener]

Good for you having to guts to admit you were wrong and to take the flack on this thread. I very much admire you for that.

[manana21]

as someone who's also made the odd gaff, I agree with the people saying don't feel too bad - my dd's prone to a bit of saying things hurt when it's ridiculous (I've got a damaged hip because of a skeletal problem and DD likes to walk around saying her hip hurts for example) and as you say she's had time off this week already. Sometimes we all make bad calls in the moment.

[TheWitTank]

Oh and don't feel crap about it. We all fuck up now and again -I have plenty of times. Have a fun time after school bowling!

[Waltermittythesequel]

Well, yes it was mean.

But I'm sure we've all done things we feel guilty about when it comes to our kids.

I do think you should explain and apologise though because she's probably feeling let down by you.

She's 8, though. She'll rally.

[TheoriginalLEM]

What a shitty thing to do :(

I used to make up any excuse not to go to school

BECAUSE I WAS BEING BULLIED!

Yes she might hae been faking, but maybe her symptoms are anxiety related and speaking as someone who suffers from anxiety, tummy cramps, wanting to go to the toilet (both) more are really common physical symptoms of anxiety. So her feeling bad in her tummy until she knew she didn't have to go to school is not that surprising to me.

poor thing - i hope you get to the bottom of why she is avoiding school.

[ppandj]

Don't beat yourself up op. Everyone makes mistakes! Just explain and apologise to her and try to have a chat about it (obviously without sounding like you're accusing her of lying).

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree ppandj, op is being unfairly flamed, she made a mistake like we all do fgs, its done, so op can apologise to dd and try to get to the bottom of why she does not want to go to school.

[SummerNights1986]

if you are happy enough to go bowling and what else you are well enough for school

I completely disagree.

I'm at home with both of my dc off today. They're currently glued to Minecraft on the PS3, talking and laughing and looking the picture of health.

But ds2 was vomiting half an hour ago and ds1 is running to the toilet every half an hour with diarrhoea. They're not 'well', they clearly have a bug and need to be at home - certainly they're not well enough for school today.

I can guarantee you though that if I offered them bowling then they'd both be excited and more than willing go. Does that mean I should send them to school?

[Andro]

op is being unfairly flamed, she made a mistake like we all do fgs,

No, she didn't make a mistake, she flat out lied to her child and did so in a serious context. Much like telling your child that you're taking to the park (to get them in the car) when you're really taking them for their vaccinations or to the dentist, it's the kind of lie that can have damaging repercussions.

Finding out why the child doesn't want to go to school, to a point where either anxiety or fabrication are kicking in is the important thing now...along with accepting that the DD is unlikely to trust her mothers promises any time soon.

[Sallystyle]

Yeah, it was pretty mean, but you admitted you messed up so no point going on at you.

Your child will trust you again. Apologise, talk to her and move on.



My 16 year old has stomach pains before college. It is anxiety. He is old enough to articulate his issues though. Your dd probably did genuinely did feel bad, with anxiety. My dd 6 also gets a lot of tummy aches when she doesn't want to do something. They aren't putting it on, it does hurt. So try to work out if there is anything else going on at school.

But you aren't a failure and neither have you scarred her for life.

[Sallystyle]

Sorry for the double dids!

[wallywobbles]

My 9 & 11 YO think you were reasonable and think it's funny. One of them has near constant tummy ache and she thought what you did was fair.

[InTheBox]

Andro So what is it you intend to do? Burn OP at the stake?

She made a mistake. We all do, parents or otherwise we've all done something that in hindsight was pretty shitty.

[passmethewineplease]

You were being massively unreasonable but you probably know that by now.

Your daughter could be anxious, even though you say there's no reason to be, if you do suffer from anxiety then surely you know that sometimes it's irrational? And hard to make sense of.

I hate the idea hat every child suits a school environment, some don't. Simple as that. My sister never did, she used to get a nervous tummy and spend ages on the loo, she used to pretend she was going then turn back after. She was a teenager at this point and my mum had zero help. Nobody understood they thought it was just a typical kid not wanting to go to school. Sometimes things go much deeper than that.

What you did was mean, instead of insisting she's got nothing to worry about, find out what it is that's making her not want to go.

[Indole]

wannaBe, that is a great post.

[CheesyNachos]

Yes, not a great moment but you know that.She is old enough to understand if you explain to her why you thought it was a good idea, that you now think you were wrong and you will never deceive her again like that. I think you need to eat humble pie and really apologise. But the fact you are beating yourself up about it shows that you just made a mistake... it was not malicious. It was a mistake. God, we have all made mistakes!

Have a good time bowling tonight OP.

[Andro]

Andro So what is it you intend to do? Burn OP at the stake?

Of course not, but to dismiss what she did as just a mistake is minimising it. Mum allows a bad day to rain over her dc and shouts for no good reason? That's a mistake; apologise, cuddles and move on. Calmly and deliberately lie to your child? That is a major error in judgement and you need to be prepared for there to be fall out.

When a child can't trust their mother to tell the truth, that child has a major problem (bitter experience).

[Norest]

So you decided to teach her about being deceptive by...being deceptive.

Does the school not have a school uniform policy then? Or did you drop her off in non-uniform?

if she has school-based anxiety I'm sure that would have helped.

You were being mean and kind of cruel.