For being appalled and confused at DSD's attitude

[phoenixrose314]

My stepdaughter (17) randomly texted my DH this weekend asking for a car for Christmas. She does like to wind him up sometimes, so my DH replied saying he'd love to with a little sad face emoticon (we are currently in the process of buying our own home and the majority of our savings is going towards the ridiculous amount of money it costs to buy a house!). She then sent a text saying "Why can't I when phoenixrose is getting to do X, that's expensive too!" To which he replied (truthfully) that I paid for most of this experience day myself with the money I received for my big birthday this year and that as my Christmas present he topped up the rest so that I could afford to go.

We were still sort of believing that she was just joking around, but she then sends about a hundred texts saying how unfair it was that DH spends all his time, money and effort into me, DSS (12) and DS (2) and that she never gets anything and all she wants to do is spend time with us and she feels like he doesn't love her etc. etc.

And me and DH are because this has come from nowhere!!

DH phoned her and talked to her for a long time. I left him to it, and after he hung up he told me that she'd said she felt that DH spends all his time with the two boys and not with her - there is some truth to this as DSS plays a lot of sports and a lot of DH's weekend is taken up taking him to and from games and training etc, and of course DS is a toddler always clamouring for attention wherever he can get it... although I try my best to keep him occupied on the weekends we have the stepchildren so that DH can spend time with his older two. DH also finds it difficult to find ways to connect with her as she is a teenage girl, and when he has tried in the past (playing the guitar with her, trying to show her YouTube videos she might like) she often just grunts at him and acts bored.

What I can't get my head around is where do we go from here? She still seems mad at him (she seems to be having a lot of anger towards a lot of people lately) and the issue here (according to her) is apparently one of not feeling loved, but I don't see how that means we are supposed to scratch around for hundreds of pounds to get her a car?? We are not poor but due to house buying we're scaling things right back this year, still spending about £150 on the older two though (luckily DS is young so we can just get away with a few cheap wooden secondhand toys and some books), she was also moaning because her mum and stepdad (who usually spend closer to £500 on them each every year) are in a similar financial situation and not giving her much money.

Is she really upset about spending time with her Dad, or has she become confused between presents and presence? Does she think material things show how much someone loves them? Argh I'm so confused, we usually have such a good relationship, me and DSD spend a lot of time together even when DH isn't around and I just don't know how to respond to this. I want to be supportive but it's difficult when she's acting so spoiled/selfish - I mean who DEMANDS a car for Christmas?? I have told DH that I will take DS to my mum's this weekend so that he can spend time with just DSS and DSD, but I have no idea if this is what she really wants - I'm just trying to help.

Please give me some advice, am I being unreasonable for being so appalled? And if she is really hurting, what can I do to help her feel better and to realise that material things can't plaster over those feelings?

I think what he does with her is a bit irrelevant e.g. matches or gigs. She wants to feel connectd, she doesn't and he doesn't really either if he's say he doesn't get her as she is a teenage girl. I would be careful about listing, even to yourself, all the things he 'does for her' as evidence there is no issue. It is understandable that these thoughts will come to mind, but a) meeting for coffees and spending time together should be expected and b) if there is sadness and disconnect between them, this will be felt as much in a theme park or on a shopping trip (and sometimes more) than if they were just lolling about the house together.

A lot of what you need to do here is just to be accepting. She is where she is right now, it will pass - just like toddler tantrums. You don't give a two year old a lollipop for thrashing about on the floor, but you work to get that it is happening because they're two and overwhelmed and unskilled at dealing with desires that can be filled. It's not that different here. You just... stay. Not pandering on the one hand but not lecturing or shaming on the other. No matter how obnoxious or entitled she seems.... They will find a way through.

I have to say, if she is saying it is not fair that you get to do stuff, your husband should be saying 'what phoenix does is her concern, being a grown woman and all.' He should not be making excuses for what you spend your money on.

It's probably a little bit of everything. i wouldn't worry about it too much just yet. Listen to her concerns but don't pander to her either. It's a funny age and I can see it must be difficult for her seeing her dad with his other family. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how it is. If she was in the perfect non-blended family she would most likely still have her own issues.

Are her mum a stepdad'on the ame page' as you and DH?
You maybe need to discuss it as a foursome so she cant play you off against each other ?
can she actually drive? does she have access to a car ? We lived very rurally when I was 17 and my father couldnn't wait for me to learn to drive and I borrowed the family car a lot .

Can she actually drive yet? What about money for lessons?

Have you looked up how much insurance is going to be? Yes a car might be a few hundred but the insurance will be a few thousand!

Some people on this thread about blended families has some interesting things to say about how it can feel to be a child who visits rather than lives with, one parent.

Basically, they are always in a situation where they miss one parent or the other. They also confronted with a regular reminder of what might have been (either at home or where they visit or both) if their parents had stayed together- they happy "new" family who all live together- looks very similar to how their life could have looked. They might also live with and/or visit step siblings who have both their parents under one roof (in a loving relationship, with less conflict etc), step-siblings who have what they can never have.

I think just accepting that those things are hard for her, and that the feelings those situations bring up for her are legitimate, could help a lot.

So YABU for being appalled, but YANBU for wanting to help her with pain/difficulties.

I think calling is very right. She won't really fit in either house. She knows that it new family is taking resources in money and time away from her. No wonder she is trying to stake a claim. She understands that money is being diverted from her towards you. That hurts. She sees her dad taking DSS to matches...- can't you do that for the next 6 months or so? Feel sorry for her actually.

Why doesn't your DH ask her what she would like to do with him? He'd be listening to the issue about time spent together, and really show that he wants to listen/engage with her as she is by doing what she wants? You can suggest financial boundaries if needed. You have to commit to following through though or the feeling of being ignored will be compounded. It should come from your DH as that is the relationship you want to strengthen. But you are likely to need to enable it to happen.

I had something similar with my father - better relats with other sibs due to sport. He offered to do what I wanted (still sport related though - I think you should stipulate it doesn't need to be) but as a result we built memories of a life time. Looking back the parentals went above and beyond to make me feel valued around this specific issue. I didn't appreciate it all at the time actually (certainly not the cost), though was glad to get some attention. But when I think of that now, I am reminded of the strength of their commitment to me. I feel humbled by their love.

she is 17. So yabu for being confused. Its all teenage angst and woe is me at that age!

You actually sound really caring and your dh a good dad. So he had a good chat with her and does stuff with her. I would just not mention the car again and carry on as normal

Would she respond well to spending time with you do you think?

fusionconfusion I wasn't listing them as proof that he's connected, just that he has been trying to find common ground/interests with her and that she appears to have forgotten that lots of money HAS indeed been spent on her but throughout the year for different things. The day we went to the theme park was really great, the pair of them spent most of the time on scary rides whilst me, DS and DSS went on more family friendly ones, it was a good time for them to bond.

Postchildren and comedycentral she is still learning, we are paying for her to have a lesson a week.

Headofhehive and EmergencyKittens, I can accept that being a child who spends time between two houses is not easy, and it has been evident from a very early age that she has been angry at her Dad for leaving. What she doesn't know is that it was her Mum who asked him to leave and who moved Step-Dad in less than a month after DH left her - she was so young and so upset and DH has just kind of shouldered the blame that wasn't his so that they could all get on with their lives. We will never tell her the truth, but it hurts DH a lot that she feels that way. He met me a few years later and I've been lucky in that mine and DSD's relationship has always been really good, she comes over now and again just to watch scary movies and chat with me, I think she feels I'm more like a sister to her than a "parent" so she has always talked with me quite openly about things. The home we are buying is actually the house we have always lived in, so that's no big change or move for them, we've been saving up for a while to make our/their future more secure, but I know that's hard to understand from a teenager's perspective.

I have considered taking DSS to all his matches, but the problem then is my DS is outside in the (currently) very cold for 2+ hours being asked to be still and not do very much - he has breathing problems and catches colds like nobody's business. I suppose I could try to get DS looked after, but then I feel guilty as weekends are the only time I get to spend with any of them as we both work full time. I'll try and figure something out.

Starface that's a fab idea, I will talk to DH and get him to tell her to suggest what she'd like them to do together (within financial reason of course!)

Thanks for all the advice everyone

How about getting your DH to help her learn to drive? Quite a bit of commitment there and takes quite a bit if time. He would be showing his love for her by doing this believe me! They need lots of practice.

I understand the difficulties re your two year old and the cold. I have one like that! Perhaps another parent could lift share so you only need to pick up or drop off. Or she could drive leave DSS at the activity and drive round there?

Perhaps you could sit your DS in the car if it's cold? I have done this lots, it's not easy, but I have several children of various ages and little ones tend to have to traipse around with me as my DH often works away.

A conversation with her DM and step dad might be a Way forward in sharing out the car issue, or helping her to get out and about so she can earn money to save up too.

If you and your h are paying for a lesson a week, how much are her mum and step dad paying?

She needs to talk to them too... I think this is more of a cry for attention than a car, a kind of prove you love me.

Given her DM behaviour over new bloke, no surprise she's feeling forgotten. Why is only dss living with you? How come dsd got left behind?

Good luck. Tackling the time together will show her that the love is there, even if she's been grasping at manipulative triggers. No harm in some family bonding time. The car is an expense that can't be managed but perhaps you could commit an amount that she can equal (and her mum?) Towards a car as a future purchase and commit to help her finding that first purchase ... one day!

appalled is NOT the reaction to have about a hurt child OP

car, |NO

but he should definitely invest a bit more time with her

Are you subconsciously doing the gender divide in your family? "The boys" go off and do sports or "boy" things. She's left spending time with you under the guise of "girl stuff".

Have a look at how you divide your time between the three children.

You are paying for a driving lesson each week. I think that is quite generous anyway.

I find this generation of teenagers hard to work out. When I was 17 I was very independent. Also from a split family - with step parents on both sides. I left home at 17, as I had a job and didn't have much to do with any of my parents actually. Especially not in the realms of asking them for big gifts or cash.

But I am now the parent of a 17 yo (as well as Step parent of 18yo and 15yo!). I can see that today's teens are so much less ready for grown up life.

She is trying it on with the car. Kids don't understand how much money you have coming in, going out - and what there is left over. It's not real money, real life to them.

How is family life with her mum and step-dad ? What is their involvement in her day to day life, financial contributions ?

If her mum is anything like my mum, she would be telling her to go and ask her dad for the money - 'he can afford it' etc. ( I suspect the same of my DH's ex actually- there are a lot of similar conversations).

It's a tricky one. Just remember that she is at a funny age. Worse than being a toddler IMO -ride it out.

Could you take DSS to every other match, leaving DH at home with DS amd DSD?

I would try to do something practical and useful towards her getting a car.

I would help her open a savings account specifically to save up for a car. She/her parents could politely suggest to those who buy for her at Christmas that a contribution to the car fund would be lovely. You can contribute your entire Christmas budget for her as cash to this fund. She could also get a pt job, maybe a temp seasonal one, to get more money into the fund. You could also suggest that she gets £100 worth of premium bonds on the off chance that she will have a win that will get her the car quicker. If not, she will be able to cash in the £100 once the fund is nearly to the value of the car she wants.

I would honestly try to do something helpful like this rather than just being appalled, which isn't productive. Perhaps she has friends getting cars etc and is jealous. It isn't easy being 17. Make sure it doesn't turn into resentment of your 2yo. Perhaps she thinks if he hadn't arrived, there would be more money for her.

Oh, she can also eBay her stuff that she no longer uses, incl. clothes to top up fund.

Ds!

And as a gesture, you could allow her to eBay a few baby items your little da has grown out of to add to her fund.

Why should the OP take her DSS to matches?
The OPs DSD is old enough to drive - therefore she is old enough to deviate from the whatever regular contact arrangements are in place and spend time with her Dad when her DBro is at home with his Mum.
Siblings do not have to come as a package when having contact with their NRP - the OPs DP can spend time with each of his DCs separately without the OP having to be involved, surely?

It's hard and confusing being a teenager.

Oh please. Yes it is (to a certain degree) but they don't all express that by demanding cars for christmas . If my DSIS (18) or DBRO (15) did that to my mum they'd get their arses handed to them on a plate.

Anyway, it is sad and a bit daft tbh that your DH feels he can't connect with her because she's a girl. I would certainly encourage him to take her out for the day. Maybe to a theme park or something? When I was that age I used to love going to Thorpe Park or similar.