For being appalled and confused at DSD's attitude

[phoenixrose314]

My stepdaughter (17) randomly texted my DH this weekend asking for a car for Christmas. She does like to wind him up sometimes, so my DH replied saying he'd love to with a little sad face emoticon (we are currently in the process of buying our own home and the majority of our savings is going towards the ridiculous amount of money it costs to buy a house!). She then sent a text saying "Why can't I when phoenixrose is getting to do X, that's expensive too!" To which he replied (truthfully) that I paid for most of this experience day myself with the money I received for my big birthday this year and that as my Christmas present he topped up the rest so that I could afford to go.

We were still sort of believing that she was just joking around, but she then sends about a hundred texts saying how unfair it was that DH spends all his time, money and effort into me, DSS (12) and DS (2) and that she never gets anything and all she wants to do is spend time with us and she feels like he doesn't love her etc. etc.

And me and DH are because this has come from nowhere!!

DH phoned her and talked to her for a long time. I left him to it, and after he hung up he told me that she'd said she felt that DH spends all his time with the two boys and not with her - there is some truth to this as DSS plays a lot of sports and a lot of DH's weekend is taken up taking him to and from games and training etc, and of course DS is a toddler always clamouring for attention wherever he can get it... although I try my best to keep him occupied on the weekends we have the stepchildren so that DH can spend time with his older two. DH also finds it difficult to find ways to connect with her as she is a teenage girl, and when he has tried in the past (playing the guitar with her, trying to show her YouTube videos she might like) she often just grunts at him and acts bored.

What I can't get my head around is where do we go from here? She still seems mad at him (she seems to be having a lot of anger towards a lot of people lately) and the issue here (according to her) is apparently one of not feeling loved, but I don't see how that means we are supposed to scratch around for hundreds of pounds to get her a car?? We are not poor but due to house buying we're scaling things right back this year, still spending about £150 on the older two though (luckily DS is young so we can just get away with a few cheap wooden secondhand toys and some books), she was also moaning because her mum and stepdad (who usually spend closer to £500 on them each every year) are in a similar financial situation and not giving her much money.

Is she really upset about spending time with her Dad, or has she become confused between presents and presence? Does she think material things show how much someone loves them? Argh I'm so confused, we usually have such a good relationship, me and DSD spend a lot of time together even when DH isn't around and I just don't know how to respond to this. I want to be supportive but it's difficult when she's acting so spoiled/selfish - I mean who DEMANDS a car for Christmas?? I have told DH that I will take DS to my mum's this weekend so that he can spend time with just DSS and DSD, but I have no idea if this is what she really wants - I'm just trying to help.

Please give me some advice, am I being unreasonable for being so appalled? And if she is really hurting, what can I do to help her feel better and to realise that material things can't plaster over those feelings?

[HormonalHeap]

We are going through the same with my dsd same age, lives with her mother (her choice). She has always strongly objected to being treated equally to my children. Dh has made it his life's work to make her feel loved and special, taking weeks off work in school holidays to spend with her and letting her order pretty much whatever she wants online along with regular cash payments. It's not enough, she's now cut him off completely, but not before telling him to stop throwing money at her and trying to buy her! I'm left to pick up the pieces with a broken-hearted dh. I really am hoping it's just the age...

[phoenixrose314]

Marilynsbigsister I understand, I was pretty sure I was going to get completely flamed for coming on here as a stepmother talking about her stepdaughter, but people have been relatively gentle with me! Probably because I do actually love her and am trying my best!!

The fact is, whether it is or isn't a cry for help, if we give her what she says is the problem (not enough time with Dad), then she can't bring up the "you don't love me" card. So instead of pandering to her and giving her expensive days out or cash or a car, we will literally give her time with her Dad. If that's really the issue here, then hopefully their relationship will be better and she will feel more loved - however, if it's not, then she's likely to mention again about having more money spent on her and we will very matter-of-factly point out all the money we have in fact spent on her recently (way, way more than DS and probably on par with DSS).

[Marilynsbigsister]

OP your dsd is 17, I am the sm of a 'blended family ' of 8 (2 of Dh dcs from his marriage live with us - one is in late twenties and married, other two live with Dh ex-wife, whilst my three all live with us. They are aged 12-28) I have heard every bleat imaginable from teenagers when they want to get a car. The 'daddy doesn't spend time with me act ' is trotted out invariably when they don't get what they want. The reality is that not many daughters want to 'hang out' with their father past the age of 12, so whilst this 'poor little me' act is always worth a whirl, I am afraid it doesn't brook much effect with us. The rules for car purchase were the same for all. We paid for first twenty lessons for birthday. They then got a job. Once they had saved 500 we added another 500 plus tax. We also paid half the insurance with her DM/Dsf for first year. 3 have done it, 2 are too lazy. That's their problem. Don't be guilt tripped. MN has an unshakeable belief that step children are always 'injured souls' and all non resident fathers are feckless. Whilst stepmothers are just plain evil - the reality is that teenagers will manipulate whoever is the easiest bet ! You are doing great, tell her to get a job and you will discuss it with her. (We aren't just semi rural, were out in the sticks, - jobs can be found !)

[phoenixrose314]

She hasn't passed her test yet, she's still learning. Mum and stepdad are not contributing to her lessons ATM although they paid for the first 15 lessons for her birthday, we have funded the rest after that and have offered to pay for her tests too. She hasn't got a job supposedly because they live semi-rural but we live very centrally to most local towns and shops so she could stay with us when working (which is something we'll suggest to her when she appears open to suggestions).

DSS doesn't live with us, sorry for the misunderstanding. They both live with their mum. DSD does indeed visit us sometimes without her brother here, we have always said she can come and stay over whenever she feels like it - however this has been more difficult recently due to my DH working away Monday to Friday. She still comes over once a week just to see me which is lovely, although she didn't this week (worried!!).

One of you (can't remember which, sorry) suggested that DSD Mum has been pushing buttons to ask DH - we do strongly suspect this, as she has a habit of making snide comments about us to both the children which we then have to deal with in whatever form it takes. [sceptical] I am fairly certain DSD would have had no idea how much my birthday/Christmas treat day cost, so must have heard from somebody how much it is. Mum has her own issues with the fact DH has moved on (even though she has too, lovely big house and own business and 3 yo with new hubby) so we try to just smooth things over and get on with it, but it does make life difficult!! We have spelled out to DSD that there will definitely be no car, but I am certain that at some point this weekend I will probably need to run through with her exactly the costs that having a car entails so that she sees that it's something she really needs to start planning for if that's what she really wants.

Whoever suggested the theme park, I think you're right as they do love doing that kind of stuff together - I might take the boys out somewhere (God, where can you take a toddler AND a twelve year old?!) and give those two a fun day out together to create memories.

Thanks again for all the advice.

[TheWitTank]

Fucking hell kinkyafro -she behaves like that at 23?! I was married with my first child and a house by then, I would never had (or have) demanded such things from them. I paid for my own first car, driving lessons and holidays. My parents are very generous, but I would rather pay for myself. He needs to say no. No debates, no compromises. Just no. As am adult she pays for herself. What a brat.

[Unreasonablebetty]

It sounds like you have done just about as much as you can do, both out and her father.

Has she passed her driving test?
If so, I know it's an additional outlay, but if she finds herself a job can you and DH maybe go halves on the finance of a car with her mother and stepdad?
You can get some of the new small cars very cheaply, and it's something that would be so useful for her.
It is possible to find small cars for the £100ish mark per month. Obviously not worth doing if she hasn't passed her test or in the position to pay her own insurance.

[amarmai]

step back , op. It's not your battle. She is 17 and shd get a job and save up if she wants a car. WTF gets a car for xmas?!

[Witchend]

I don't think at that age they see beyond the initial price of a car either. So a friend is getting an old banger and has said "why don't you ask for one, it's only £250?". They don't add in insurance, road tax, petrol, MOT, roadside assistance etc.

Perhaps offering her the money you would spend on a present, and then sitting down with her to show her the extra costs would be helpful from both sides.

[Headofthehive55]

Depends on your personality I think. dojo helping my DD learn to drive was a very rewarding bonding experience. But then I didn't push her onto fast roads, just let her drive round and practise handling the car.

I will always be grateful to my dad for allowing me similar. (Didn't even raise his voice when I hit a lamppost! ) I think practice time is so needed, those who just have lessons don't seem to pass as often, or as quick. And who better than her parent?

[maybebabybee]

KinkyAfro, he needs to sit her down and tell her she's behaving like a grabby spoiled brat. Has he tried that yet?

This. She's 23 FGS!!!!

[goodnightdarthvader1]

As DoJo said, fgs don't get him to teach her how to drive. He'll lose patience and she'll bristle at any criticism. Recipe for disaster.

KinkyAfro, he needs to sit her down and tell her she's behaving like a grabby spoiled brat. Has he tried that yet?

[DoJo]

How about getting your DH to help her learn to drive? Quite a bit of commitment there and takes quite a bit if time. He would be showing his love for her by doing this believe me! They need lots of practice.

This sounds like a really nice idea but if their relationship is already strained I would recommend avoiding it for the time being. Teaching someone to drive is hugely stressful and riddled with flashpoints - in fact, my dad trying to teach me to drive was one of the nails in the coffin of our (obviously already strained) relationship as it just led to so many arguments.

[KinkyAfro]

DPs daughter often throws the "you don't love me line" at him when he doesn't give in to her demands, she is 23 now and if anything she's got worse over the years. Her latest demand was she expected her dad to pay for her to go on a skiing holiday with her sister (who is paying for her share herself). DP told her he'd pay for it as her Christmas & birthday present but this wasn't acceptable, it HAD to be as well as her Christmas & birthday presents and he/we can obviously afford it as we'd just been on holiday for a fortnight. She never wants to see her dad or us, she's never got the time and often when something has been organised she just doesn't turn up. DP gave her £200 for her birthday (she wanted cash) and when she opened the card instead of thank you, he got "I thought you would've given me more than that".

The first time she met my mum and dad at her birthday meal (16 years old) she asked for money for a boob job! Nobody knew where to look when she stormed out throwing the "you don't love me line" at DP.

It upsets DP a lot, I just don't know what the answer is.

[TheTigerIsOut]

As a mother of a child whose dad doesn't give a hoot about him, I would be mightly appalled if DS acted this entitled towards his dad and his new family.

I have seen a lot of children of separated parents, who get away with murder cashing on their parents guilt. I saw it coming when DS was very young so, every time he has an outlandish request, I ask myself the question: If exH and I were still together, what would my answer be?" and go by that.

In this case, my answer would be we cannot afford a car because we are buying a house (Having said that... I have always told DS that if he wants to own a car, he would net to get a job, save for it and buy it himself!)

[maybebabybee]

It's hard and confusing being a teenager.

Oh please. Yes it is (to a certain degree) but they don't all express that by demanding cars for christmas . If my DSIS (18) or DBRO (15) did that to my mum they'd get their arses handed to them on a plate.

Anyway, it is sad and a bit daft tbh that your DH feels he can't connect with her because she's a girl. I would certainly encourage him to take her out for the day. Maybe to a theme park or something? When I was that age I used to love going to Thorpe Park or similar.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

Why should the OP take her DSS to matches?
The OPs DSD is old enough to drive - therefore she is old enough to deviate from the whatever regular contact arrangements are in place and spend time with her Dad when her DBro is at home with his Mum.
Siblings do not have to come as a package when having contact with their NRP - the OPs DP can spend time with each of his DCs separately without the OP having to be involved, surely?

[Bubbletree4]

And as a gesture, you could allow her to eBay a few baby items your little da has grown out of to add to her fund.

[Bubbletree4]

Ds!

[Bubbletree4]

Oh, she can also eBay her stuff that she no longer uses, incl. clothes to top up fund.

[Bubbletree4]

I would try to do something practical and useful towards her getting a car.

I would help her open a savings account specifically to save up for a car. She/her parents could politely suggest to those who buy for her at Christmas that a contribution to the car fund would be lovely. You can contribute your entire Christmas budget for her as cash to this fund. She could also get a pt job, maybe a temp seasonal one, to get more money into the fund. You could also suggest that she gets £100 worth of premium bonds on the off chance that she will have a win that will get her the car quicker. If not, she will be able to cash in the £100 once the fund is nearly to the value of the car she wants.

I would honestly try to do something helpful like this rather than just being appalled, which isn't productive. Perhaps she has friends getting cars etc and is jealous. It isn't easy being 17. Make sure it doesn't turn into resentment of your 2yo. Perhaps she thinks if he hadn't arrived, there would be more money for her.

[G1veMeStrength]

Could you take DSS to every other match, leaving DH at home with DS amd DSD?

[iwantgin]

You are paying for a driving lesson each week. I think that is quite generous anyway.

I find this generation of teenagers hard to work out. When I was 17 I was very independent. Also from a split family - with step parents on both sides. I left home at 17, as I had a job and didn't have much to do with any of my parents actually. Especially not in the realms of asking them for big gifts or cash.

But I am now the parent of a 17 yo (as well as Step parent of 18yo and 15yo!). I can see that today's teens are so much less ready for grown up life.

She is trying it on with the car. Kids don't understand how much money you have coming in, going out - and what there is left over. It's not real money, real life to them.

How is family life with her mum and step-dad ? What is their involvement in her day to day life, financial contributions ?

If her mum is anything like my mum, she would be telling her to go and ask her dad for the money - 'he can afford it' etc. ( I suspect the same of my DH's ex actually- there are a lot of similar conversations).

It's a tricky one. Just remember that she is at a funny age. Worse than being a toddler IMO -ride it out.

[Micah]

Are you subconsciously doing the gender divide in your family? "The boys" go off and do sports or "boy" things. She's left spending time with you under the guise of "girl stuff".

Have a look at how you divide your time between the three children.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

appalled is NOT the reaction to have about a hurt child OP

car, |NO

but he should definitely invest a bit more time with her

[Sighing]

Good luck. Tackling the time together will show her that the love is there, even if she's been grasping at manipulative triggers. No harm in some family bonding time. The car is an expense that can't be managed but perhaps you could commit an amount that she can equal (and her mum?) Towards a car as a future purchase and commit to help her finding that first purchase ... one day!