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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that H has lit the fire 'for me'?

67 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 17:53

And expects me to keep it going while he sits in the bath for over an hour? DS (4months) has just fallen asleep on me after the night from hell and a shitty day which included immunisations. DH has lit the fire for me and gone to have his usual lengthy bath. Leaving me to deal with DS, the fire, and cook dinner at some point.

I was quite happy to just sit here til DS woke up tbh. Now I wil have to either let the fire go out, or move whivh will wake ds up. Hes napped for about 45 minutes all day. Ugh.

OP posts:

yorkshapudding · 30/11/2015 21:49

I agree with pp that nothing described here is evidence of "abuse". People need to stop throwing that word around so casually.

He is, however, being a twat.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/12/2015 07:33

Only one person said abuse, which is an opinion she is entitled to.

One poster.

Everyone else said he was a selfish twat, which he is. How are you today op?

raranah · 01/12/2015 07:39

Hun get a wood burner. I light mine, stack it up and its good for hours.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 01/12/2015 07:46

The op said he gets moody if she upsets him so she modifies her behaviour to avoid it. That's abusive imo

OneMoreCasualty · 01/12/2015 07:49

Muchas, difficult to wield a poker whilst holding a sleeping baby.

OP, he needs to be less selfish . Have a word!

Rdoo · 01/12/2015 08:00

This thread is a perfect example of mumsnet hysteria. So many times I see a poster come on to have a moan about something and it's followed by a pack of man haters trying to convince her she is being abused. It's disgusting.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/12/2015 08:04

An hour long bath every night while his personal chef does the dinner he refuses to cook?

Wow, he loves himself doesn't he?

Men who need looking after whilst they pamper themselves are the opposite of sexy.

You don't need to accept being treated as his brood mare/valet/chef while he arranges his own life for maximum comfort.

The next time he starts on with his self-pitying "oh it's all my fault" crap, just agree with him.

witsender · 01/12/2015 08:23

In this scenario I would order a take away and stay seated. Dinner sorted, child sorted, he can re light the fire.

Bakeoffcake · 01/12/2015 08:30

He may not be abusive but he's a selfish bastard.
He refuses to cook- ever.

He goes for an hour long soak whilst expecting the OP to look after an ill baby, keep the fire going and cook the sodding tea.

If he doesn't realise how ridiculously unfair he's being there's not much hope of him making changes after a 'little chat'.

I really feel for you OP. You're H is a twat.

Bambooshoots14 · 01/12/2015 08:31

I agree with muchas

Doesn't sound like abuse to me, just that you need to have a chat. If you didn't want to / couldn't keep the fire going then let it go out.

Jux · 01/12/2015 08:32

Well, I'm not a man hater. I do despise people who don't communicate honestly and who don't discuss and find compromises. People who use moodiness, or threats, or withholding of money, to weild power over others, especially those they are meant to love, cherish and protect.

I haven't said he's abusive. He is supremely selfish and, tbh, I expect he is abusive. He withholds money, gets angry if the op doesn't do as he expects her to do in response to actions of his, and those actions are not discussed with op, just thrust upon her at his own whim. OK, he is abusive.

I'm still not a man-hater though.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/12/2015 08:46

Morning all. Sorry was dealing with baby (dinner, fire....) then went to bed early. Much better night.

I feel ok and to be fair to those disagreeing with the 'abuse' tag there is indeed a LOT more going on here that many people would term abuse.
He makes me out to be the unreasonable one and although mostly i feelknow i'm not, sometimes i need a bit of confidence installing. So thanks, mostly you all said iwnbu.

It is indeed hard to poke a fire without disturbing the baby.

I can't afford a takeaway on maternity pay. He can't on his ship wages. And we are out of any delivery zone.

Thanks all for you input. I'm still going through some changes in how i deal with things. They are coming as a bit of a shock to him.

OP posts:

Jux · 01/12/2015 08:52

Notta, you work all day too. When's your undisturbed hour-long soak followed by personally prepared feast?

BlackeyedSusan · 01/12/2015 10:29

no-one should be anxious about pissing off their other half because they are busy nursing a baby. moods that are bloody awful are not something one wants to live with.

other signs of possible abusive behaviour:
can't/won't cook and expects op to do it.
bugggers off to a bath without asking whether it is convenient (minor but part of a bigger picture)
paying own way while on maternity leave.. should be shared cost of childcare.
op can not talk to him without him being grumpy about it.

OneMoreCasualty · 01/12/2015 13:26

Years of experience on MN have shown that 99% (approx) of the time that a woman complains about an instance or two of shit behaviour, there's a whole context of unposted shit behaviour as she's posted when something has finally tipped things over.

OP, hope you are ok.

OneMoreCasualty · 01/12/2015 13:27

And whether his behaviour is abusive, selfish, shitty or whatever, OP shouldn't have to put up with it.

MrsJackAubrey · 01/12/2015 13:28

jeesus - he takes an hour-long bath every night? FFS that's utterly ridiculous with a new baby. Don't know how you tolerate it, frankly

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