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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that H has lit the fire 'for me'?

67 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 17:53

And expects me to keep it going while he sits in the bath for over an hour? DS (4months) has just fallen asleep on me after the night from hell and a shitty day which included immunisations. DH has lit the fire for me and gone to have his usual lengthy bath. Leaving me to deal with DS, the fire, and cook dinner at some point.

I was quite happy to just sit here til DS woke up tbh. Now I wil have to either let the fire go out, or move whivh will wake ds up. Hes napped for about 45 minutes all day. Ugh.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/11/2015 18:39

I would cook for myself and let him sort himself out. You are not a second class citizen in your own home, sod that. He can cook, don't cook for him anymore, and sod the fire.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 18:39

I didn't say anything because he walked in, said 'Im going to have a bath' and walked out again. I would have had to call after him which i wasn't going to do.

I am asking myself that lumpy. I've put up with it for too long.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/11/2015 18:44

He sounds like a complete twat.

RiverTam · 30/11/2015 18:48

He sounds awful. You have a small, not-sleeping-well baby, and a husband who won't cook, hogs the bath fur an hour every night and gets kissed off if you let the fire go out.

Are you scared of him? Because I'd let the fire go out, order a takeaway for myself only on his card, and probably pack his bags at some point.

Jux · 30/11/2015 18:49

var123 has come up with a nice suggestion. Would you do that? He wouldn't become physically violent if you 'defied' him, would he?

Atm, he knows you will do what is expected, so as long as you carry on, he will carry on like this. If you stop just doing what's expected, he will have to adjust in some way.

Would you eat when the children are fed, before their bedtime? That way you can avoid having to cook every night. He can go for his lovely relaxing bath and then produce food, while you have been feeding baby/yourself, and then having a nice long bath yourself.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 18:49

I'm.not scared of him no. I do get anxious sometimes because the moods can be bloody awful so have spent a long time trying to avoid them (thus enabling......) Strangely enough the arrival of DS has been a bit of a revelation to me - in that I am not putting up with the same level of shit that I was. Although i guess this post highlights that there's further for me to go in this area!

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/11/2015 18:49

First step is realising you are being treated like shit. Are you financially dependent on him? Is the house jointly owned and do you have access to all family money?

VagueIdeas · 30/11/2015 18:52

Your point, supermanspants?

It's just that a Hmm face doesn't convey very much.

MuchasSmoochas · 30/11/2015 18:56

Is this an in joke that I have missed out on? Surely it must be. Tend to a friend? Just chuck a log on?

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 18:57

Jointly owned house, I am the higher earner. Although on maternity leave atm am still paying my own way. Not sure I could manage here alone, although maybe on interest only mortgage if i could get one.

Its nigh on impossible to talk to him without 'oh yes its all me Im such a bastard blah blah blah'

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 30/11/2015 19:00

Why would it be a joke much its an open fire, just lit, bloody windy and i have an overtime feverish (meningitis jab) baby who has just fallen asleep on me. Yes. The fire needs tending to. I chucked logs on. Its roaring away, smoking and all the heat going up the chimney.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/11/2015 19:02

Notta do you have any support to lean on in real life?.

Get yourself over to Relationships if you want further advice.

There are some daft tossers posting but mostly advice there can be invaluable from women who know how you currently feel and can be incredibly supportive.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/11/2015 19:04

Hang on just a minute - is DH actually being intentionally abusive? Or is he just failing to think things through properly and/or continuing to act as he might have done before having a baby?

Has he always had a one hour bath every night? Has he ever done the cooking? Sometimes you need to spell things out to people - have you ever told him you'd rather he took DS for an hour whilst you cook tea, or better still, cook tea himself?

Some people are great at seeing what needs doing & what is reasonable themselves. Others carry on blinkered style, thinking everyone's happy until you tell them otherwise. My DH was/is certainly the latter, although this has improved a bit of late. However, had I have said "rather than an hour's bath could you make some tea?" or "rather than an hour's bath could you put DS to bed? I've had a rotten day & would like a bath myself thanks", he would always be fine with doing what I'd suggested.

If you've actually said "hang on a minute, I've had DS all day & night, I can't nurse him & mind your fire - let alone make tea" and he's still pissed off for a luxuriate then you have a problem.

MuchasSmoochas · 30/11/2015 19:04

So it just needs poked? Sorry struggling here to see what the big deal is. Do you not want to keep it going? This really doesn't sound too onerous. I think you're tired and enjoying your cuddle, and yes DH should reduce the bath time but don't let your lovely fire go out! And do not listen to the LTBers. Abuse, I've heard it all.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/11/2015 19:07

Sorry - I took so long typing my post, I crossed with your updates OP!

So he does realise he's being selfish but doesn't particularly care.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/11/2015 19:10

Muchas have you read her updates?

She's pissed off with the shit she has tolerated up until her baby was born.

Read the thread in full.

TheOddity · 30/11/2015 19:12

It's not what I'd call abuse but I would be really laying down the law about bathtime for DH. No way can he have an hour long bath every night! No wonder you're pissed off. I'd be making sure as soon as he gets in, you pass him the baby and go to make tea with your favourite radio/telly/music on so you get a bit of a 'break'. Or if you don't mind baby cuddles at that point or are too tired to bother ith tea, he gets on with sourcing dinner in whatever form he can manage while you enjoy a well earned sleepy cuddle. If I ever have to choose between making DH moody and getting a solution to my practical daily problems, I choose moody! My DH didn't immediately get that you are effectively trapped under a baby cuddle at times. I.e. The only reason they are sleeping is because they are next to you and if you move they will wake up. I several times proved my point to him with the strict caveat that if baby did wake up when I moved, it was over to him for the rest of the evening! That usually got him cooking tea!

MuchasSmoochas · 30/11/2015 19:14

I have read the whole thread. I've said he needs to reduce the bath time. I am referring to the fire. Lighting it is a real pain, but a lit fire is lovely for everyone and doesn't take much to tend to. So no I don't see abuse, I see two people who need to sit down and talk about expectations and fair share of labour.

seasidesally · 30/11/2015 19:17

wow some of these posts are ridiculous

magpie17 · 30/11/2015 19:19

He sounds like a bit of an arse but abuse? Really?

Tell him the long baths have to stop and he has to start pulling his weight with baby and cooking. If he's in a mood then so be it, you are not a housekeeper.

Supermanspants · 30/11/2015 19:24

Vague
I spend an hour reading each night. . . am I also 'checking out of family life"
A rather far fetched response to someone having a bath IMO.

Agree with Santas

AliceScarlett · 30/11/2015 19:27

It's the fact he would be cross with you OP for letting it go out that concerns me. Does he get angry about other things?

pinkyredrose · 30/11/2015 19:30

He sounds like a wanker. Do you even like him OP?

mumblechum1 · 30/11/2015 20:18

Agree with Magpie Seaside and Superman's.

totally OTT to start screaming abuse. Presumably he's been at work all day, not staring into space?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/11/2015 20:59

Someone hasn't got to be abusive to be an asshole, and you shouldn't have to put up with crap.

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