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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell them to return it?

69 replies

WeAreEternal · 29/11/2015 23:00

I think I am, but I want to do it anyway, DH doesn't think it's UR at all.

DS (9) has asked for very few things for Christmas, but the things he does want he wants very much.
One thing in particular he desperately wants, and we had be planning to get it for him as his main gift.
Its expensive so I've been price watching and I've been hoping to get it a bit cheaper (not because we can't afford it, just because I like to get a good deal) so have been waiting and shopping around to try and get it on a deal.

My mother sent me a text message earlier to tell me that her and DF have bought the item for DS for Christmas.

I was surprised and asked why, she said she heard me telling DS that it was expensive and we weren't sure if we would be able to get it for him, which is what we tell him every year so that he will be surprised, DM knows this, she also knows we can afford it.

I told DM that I was disappointed as we really wanted to get it for DS as it is the main thing he wants.

I really want to ask them to return it so that I can buy it myself, I know it's silly and selfish but I want us to be the ones to give DS the thing he wants the most.
DH doesn't think it's silly at all and thinks my parents were silly to buy the item knowing we were planning to buy it and that it's not at all UR to ask them to return it.

But I just can't bring myself to call and tell them to return it because it does feel incredible unreasonable.
I've spent the whole evening unsure about it.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 30/11/2015 09:36

YABU. If you'd already bought it I can see why you'd be irritated. But you haven't. They sound really nice and you sound a bit ungrateful to say the least.

DoreenLethal · 30/11/2015 09:39

With kids surely you say 'we will have to see what Santa brings'?

And don't discuss with other people what you are planning on getting them. First rule of Mumsnet.

crispytruffle · 30/11/2015 09:45

I understand where you're coming from. My mother used to always do this and one of the reasons it used to upset me was the fact my my son would not end up getting the thing he most wanted on Christmas day. We never usually saw them on the day and my mother was insistent on being there when he opened his presents therefore, she wouldn't hand over the presents until we saw her. So now I do not tell her the presents I intend on getting for him and give a list of the other items he has his eye on. If she does buy him something I know he desperately wants for Christmas day I tell her straight out I have already bought it and so she takes it back!

Bunbaker · 30/11/2015 10:03

"Your mother doesn't sound like she's trying to steal your glory or like she is being nasty, like some people have said."

I think people's points of view must depend on the type of relationship they have with their own parents. In my case, if MIL had bought DD something she wanted it would have entirely been because DD really wanted it, not because she needed to steal my thunder. It would simply be the best of intentions.

Those who have difficult relationships with their parents have read something entirely different into this.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/11/2015 10:04

I think it depends on the intention. If it was good intentions as you say then I think on this occasion the politest thing is to explain that you were planning to get the gift and that in future for such a big purchase would they mind checking first because ds very nearly ended up with two!

However if the intention was to usurp you in some way or to assert some sort of dominance then I think you would be right to ask them to return it because that sort of behaviour is not very nice.

We have someone in my family who will pretend they didn't know what the parents were planning and then try to trump them by getting the gift or item of clothing or whatever. It has got to the point of ridiculousness because she always has to get the biggest and most expensive but not always the most suitable (eg enormous wooden train made by artisan craftsmen that is beautiful but utterly impractical for little hands and doesn't flash or make noises like the shiny plastic tat the DC actually wanted) and no child needs two pairs of school shoes. But that's all about control and doesn't sound to be the case here so an honest chat and make it clear that next time if you say you're getting something you are and they should butt the hell out think of something else.

Eva50 · 30/11/2015 10:07

I'm sure you can think of something else that he would really love that you can get for him. Last year all ds3 (9) wanted was a tablet. He had gone on and on and on about it for months. We assumed anything else would pretty much be ignored. Strangely, it was the cheap little remote control helicopter that was the greatest hit. Nothing else including the tablet came close. It is still played with regularly.

I wouldn't say anything and next year suggest to them what you would like them to get for him. However I may just be jealous as we don't have any Grandparents left now and everything dc get comes from Santa us.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/11/2015 10:10

Lesson learned imo.

The only circumstance that I would consider asking your mum to return it would be if another sibling to your son were not being treated fairly or if you have concerns about the financial precedent they are setting. Young kids may not understand that it may be a one off gift because the GP's are flush this year and when a £20 itunes voucher turns up next year, will wonder what happened and what they've done to offend.

gleam · 30/11/2015 10:12

YANBU Op.

She either wants to be granny saviour or she won't mind either taking it back or letting you buy it off her.

Damselindestress · 30/11/2015 10:26

I think she meant well but shouldn't have brought the present when you specifically said you would. IMO YWNBU to politely ask if they could get something different as they knew it was what you were planning to get.

Blu · 30/11/2015 13:25

"I told DM that I was disappointed as we really wanted to get it for DS as it is the main thing he wants."
What did she say when you said that?

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 30/11/2015 13:58

Thanks for the replies.

There is no doubt in my mind that is was done out of kindness I think they definitely misunderstood something somewhere.

It's not about 'the glory'
DS's list is quite short, this is the only 'big' thing he wants, the rest is small bits, I just feel that without that we don't have a main present for him.
I did suggest maybe they should get him X and Y from his list, which they have also bought.

I can't help feeling sad that we won't give him it but you are all right, he won't care who it comes from.
I won't say anything and we will just let them give it to him.

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/11/2015 14:03

WeAreEternal maybe you could ask for suggestions on here for an alternative present that you could buy him? I'm just thinking he'll feel so lucky and spoiled if his GPs give him the main present and then there's another big present from you that he isn't expecting at all.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/11/2015 14:45

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your DParents, op. IME kids are unpredictable with what they consider to be the absolute best present anyway, so you may still be in with a chance

Seriously, if you present him with a pile then I'm sure he'll be delighted!

2rebecca · 30/11/2015 14:50

If you planned to buy it then why not remove it from a list you circulate to other people? When my relatives ask for ideas for my kids I don't tell them stuff I intend to buy or his dad's family intend to buy.
If you gave them a list with this thing on it then you can't complain when they buy it.
It's not as though they bought it without consulting you.
I'd say thank you and get him a smaller thing. You could maybe buy him something in a few months if there is money left over.

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 30/11/2015 15:54

Before I joined mn I would have thought the same as you. But now I have realised that it is a bit silly. It's like secret unconcious comptetiveness with gp, who love your dc so much.
I have learnt to let it go, plus pil have more money than us so if they want to buy the big expensive present then win win :)

BrendaandEddie · 30/11/2015 15:56

you are being a bit selfish

take their money fgs

Hepzibar · 30/11/2015 18:59

Good call Eternal

Your parents want to spoil him and help you. They sound lovely and so do you. Have a lovely Christmas.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 30/11/2015 21:14

The thing with the people saying 'remove it from the list before circulating' is, it only works if, you know, the children never speak to the people who buy them gifts!

People are always asking our 4 what they've asked FC for - to give them ideas what to buy. They know we only get one thing from their FC request so anything else is fair game once they've checked which of the many requests we have bought.

I'm sure as they get older and want more technical presents, we too will have that time when we're waiting for a deal to get the best possible price. And as OP says this wasn't done with intended malice, it was just a communication error. DS said he wanted it but said mum and dad couldn't afford it. Grandparents buy it, thinking they're doing a nice thing for both parents and grandson.

OP, I'm glad you can see this wasn't done intentionally. I second seeing if there is something which goes with this big present which would make it an added "wow!" Although obviously this is something which only works if he's unwrapped his grandparents present first. Would they consider letting you have it at yours for Xmas morning if it's something they wouldn't normally do?

Bunbaker · 30/11/2015 21:50

"it only works if, you know, the children never speak to the people who buy them gifts!"

We live too far away from family for DD to talk to them. She never talks to them on the phone as she only sees my sister once or twice a year. Likewise my nephew and niece don't contact us.

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