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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell them to return it?

69 replies

WeAreEternal · 29/11/2015 23:00

I think I am, but I want to do it anyway, DH doesn't think it's UR at all.

DS (9) has asked for very few things for Christmas, but the things he does want he wants very much.
One thing in particular he desperately wants, and we had be planning to get it for him as his main gift.
Its expensive so I've been price watching and I've been hoping to get it a bit cheaper (not because we can't afford it, just because I like to get a good deal) so have been waiting and shopping around to try and get it on a deal.

My mother sent me a text message earlier to tell me that her and DF have bought the item for DS for Christmas.

I was surprised and asked why, she said she heard me telling DS that it was expensive and we weren't sure if we would be able to get it for him, which is what we tell him every year so that he will be surprised, DM knows this, she also knows we can afford it.

I told DM that I was disappointed as we really wanted to get it for DS as it is the main thing he wants.

I really want to ask them to return it so that I can buy it myself, I know it's silly and selfish but I want us to be the ones to give DS the thing he wants the most.
DH doesn't think it's silly at all and thinks my parents were silly to buy the item knowing we were planning to buy it and that it's not at all UR to ask them to return it.

But I just can't bring myself to call and tell them to return it because it does feel incredible unreasonable.
I've spent the whole evening unsure about it.

OP posts:

Potatoface2 · 30/11/2015 08:05

be careful asking them to take it back.....if they did and when you went to get it it was out of stock...you would be so annoyed!

diddl · 30/11/2015 08:05

"I told my mum that I hadn't bought it yet as I was hoping to get a deal."

So do you think that she took that as you not being able to afford it so bought it to make sure he got one?

Or did you say that you would for sure be getting it for him?

Only you know your mum OP.

Sometimes I do think that people go into too much detail about stuff & cause confusion.

Duckdeamon · 30/11/2015 08:08

She was unreasonable to buy it without talking to you about it, and it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to ask her to return it, but make sure the item doesn't go out of stock!

Blu · 30/11/2015 08:09

Hmm, she knew you were going to buy it.... I would just say 'Mum! That was our main Santa present ! I thought you were getting a gift from his list. Can I buy it off you?"

I would feel unreasonable , too, but I would also feel that twang of disappointment . Also, will you be giving DS his gifts earlier in the day ? He might be secretly wishing he had been given his dream gift. How old is he?

Bunbaker · 30/11/2015 08:10

"I thought you were getting a gift from his list"

It was on his list.

Catsize · 30/11/2015 08:12

OP, yanbu. They should have asked you first. 'If you're struggling to get X, would you like us to buy it for him' would have been a good move.

Bunbaker · 30/11/2015 08:17

It seems to me that lack of communication is the problem here. I don't think that your parents were trying to steal your thunder, they just meant well.

Asking them to return it so that you can buy it is just petty though.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/11/2015 08:18

IME feelings like the op is describing over situations like this usually indicate a history of the other party not really understanding the emotional import of identifying, acquiring and presenting the perfect gift to someone you care about. They can sometimes think it's just about waving money, but it isn't. I've done the thinking work, now I want to see it through to the payoff!

ootsideinbacktaefront · 30/11/2015 08:22

Aw its his granny, i was just be as happy she was getting him the exciting pressie.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2015 08:26

They have just done something kind that has backfired.

I would offer to buy it from them.

I do know where you are coming from - I end up with similar issues with presents with XH. In my case I have to bite my tongue and buy something better not mention it.

gBean · 30/11/2015 08:28

My 3yo nephew is Bob the builder mad this year and sis has struggled to find the vehicles in shops. I managed to find a load on my local FB selling site and blithely said "I will buy them for his Christmas gift".

A few days later, knowing that this was going to be the gift he was most excited about, I asked sis if she wanted to buy them off me so the gift could be from her. She said no, she was just happy he was getting what he wanted.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 30/11/2015 08:29

The OP stated several times that cost was not an issue.

I would feel exactly as you do and think that the message suggested by a PP referencing your childhoodids the way to go.

Good luck.

SilverdaleGlen · 30/11/2015 08:32

YABU is it about your son being happy on Christmas or who gets the "glory?". A gift should be about being received not given.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/11/2015 08:33

Are you sure she knows you planned to get it, and you can afford it, and it was just a ruse to surprise him? People often think others know and infer more than they actually do.

I'd explain you really wanted to get it for him, and could you please pay her back for it and have it come from you? Or maybe chip in half of it, have it come from both of you, and use other smaller presents to make up the full amount you want to spend?

expatinscotland · 30/11/2015 08:37

I think YABU

mmmuffins · 30/11/2015 08:38

YANBU. You TOLD them what you were getting, and they went out and bought it anyway. Completely silly thing to do. They will need to return it.

Hepzibar · 30/11/2015 08:39

YABU it's a nice gesture meant well, not to usurp you in your child's affections.

Children don't care or remember who bought what (unless they are constantly reminded in some sort of 'look how much we love you' competition)

I would have been delighted if my parents had bought the whole of DC's presents

Jux · 30/11/2015 08:49

I'm sure your mum will understand, if you speak to her.

Is it something like a game box for which you need lots of games as well? You could get all the extra bits instead.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/11/2015 09:05

YWBU if you asked her to return it. It was a nice gesture, kindly meant and I'm sure your DS wll be delighted if you get him another big present.

Next year, don't put your gift on the list you give to GPs and maybe drop the 'we can't afford it' pretense too. As an anxious DC, I'd have been worrying that my DPs had overspent if they mentioned not being able to afford something and then they got it for me. You don't need to create a false negative for Christmas to be impressive.

Snowglobe18 · 30/11/2015 09:09

I understand how you feel completely. I don't know what I'd actually do in your situation, but I sympathise.

diddl · 30/11/2015 09:10

I can't help thinking that in the same scenario what my mum would take from this is that her GC might not get what they wanted for Christmas & she would make sure that they did.

All this about can't afford it & she heard you telling him but knows that you can afford it-I mean really??

It's all so involved & complicated.

I think leave it as it is this year & keep schtum next!

MyCatColin · 30/11/2015 09:16

Yanbu, especially as it's the thing that he most definitely wants more than anything.
They should have at least spoken to you first before buying going ahead and purchasing it. But having said that there was no malice on their part so I would offer to reimburse the cost and give them an alternative to buy instead.
My parents never buy for my dcs without asking me first so I will suggest something on their lists that is not a main present. The same with my own dgd, I always consult dd as dgd has a large family on her dads side, so don't want to duplicate or claim a main present.
I was trumped on dgd's second Christmas. Dd told her mil what I had bought (had bought early as was on offer) and the mil decided to give the same kind of thing just as a random present a couple of months before Christmas. Was not pleased!!
So therefore I now request present ideas beforehand.

MackerelOfFact · 30/11/2015 09:17

She obviously misinterpreted 'trying to get a deal' as 'I can't afford it at full price.' Also, if it's a popular gift, as soon as it goes on offer it's likely to sell out quickly - so at least you know now that DS has got one.

It would irk me a little too TBH - the difficult part for me at Christmas isn't physically buying the gifts (although I do enjoy shopping around for deals, like you), it's thinking of special gifts that the recipient will like that fit into your budget. Going and buying it is the easy bit!

Is it an electronic gift? If so, you could always tell DM that you want to get it as close to Xmas as possible because of the warranty? Manufacturers' warranties start from when the product was purchased, not opened, so will be almost a month shorter than it would be if it was purchased Xmas eve...

Fairiesarereal · 30/11/2015 09:27

Yabu. Agree with others who don't understand why you want all 'the glory' - it really doesn't matter who buys the present. Reminds me of the people who 'don't do Father Christmas' because they don't want him getting the credit

PaulAnkaTheDog · 30/11/2015 09:34

I think yanbu to feel disappointed you can't buy his big present. I think ywbu to ask her to return it. You said you were waiting on a deal, to me I might think you couldn't pay full price. Your mother doesn't sound like she's trying to steal your glory or like she is being nasty, like some people have said. It sounds as though she wanted her grandson to get the present he really wanted and wanted to help out her daughter. She actually sounds very sweet.

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