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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

grandparents going over the top with Christmas presents

96 replies

hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 16:39

Ok I know there are far worse things that grandparents can do but AIBU to be really pissed off that my parents have bought my dd's no less than 15 presents each for Christmas when they promised they would only get them a few gifts this year?
Last year they bought dd1 so many presents that most didn't get played with and me and dh only got to buy her 1 present from us as I knew it was going to be overwhelming as it was. We have limited space and this year we have dd2 as well so I asked my mum to reign it in for dd1 and to just buy a few practical bits for dd2 as she is only 6 months and won't care anyway.
Parents came round yesterday with presents (they will be abroad for Christmas) and there is a bin bag each full of presents! My mum knew full well that this was going to annoy me but I honestly think she has a bit of a shopping addiction and can't stop buying stuff! I really want to tell her to take some of it back but that would cause a huge argument.
My mum thinks I'm ungrateful and I suppose I am really but I just don't want this mountain of tat! WIBU to just hide some of the presents away?

I

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/11/2015 17:31

Give her a specific list next year so that your children get something they might actually like!

Potatoface2 · 29/11/2015 17:36

take some to your local hospitals childrens unit....they will be gratefully received

changename54 · 29/11/2015 17:37

I used to have this too. It was easy when the DCs were little, because I could sneak several of them away to re-gift/give to charity/save them for a rainy day etc. It got much harder when the DCs were older, because their uncles, for example, would arrive with one carefully-chosen present and be completely upstaged by the grandparents arriving with several bin-bags of large, unwieldy plastic tat that we didn't have room for.

Nothing I ever said or did made any difference. Hmm You have my sympathy, not least because it makes you feel like Scrooge when you want to feel all Christmassy.

Sansoora · 29/11/2015 17:42

Being a grandma myself I think I can say that if you just go with the flow for another couple of years she'll soon settle down. Blush

Being a grandparent is absolutely the most wonderful thing and just as our children are learning to be parents its also a learning curve for us and we do go a bit daft at times, as well as get things wrong, but mostly we get it right.

We really are all in this together Smile

MrsMolesworth · 29/11/2015 17:43

I understand your frustration but think you really have to pick your arguments in life and having generous GPs really isn't high up on a list of things worth getting upset about.
I'd sneak a look at the presents and put a couple of the best ones under the tree, then save some for later. Maybe one for new year's day and some for half terms and holidays. The rest can be stored as presents to give for birthdays or given to charity. If your mum asks, you can tell her, but why turn it into an issue?

Dornan · 29/11/2015 17:45

We have this. From both sets.

We've had 'conversations like grown ups'. It didn't work and they were hurt, upset and resentful.

When the children were smaller I used to put things away for later in the year- that doesn't work now they are older.

They don't want to give money/subscriptions/memberships. They want to give a bin bag full of toys. So two DC equals four bin bags full of toys on one day.

One set of grandparents will do it all over again at Easter. And regularly bring toys during the year.

I have found it impossible to stop. I've been trying since Before the children were even born.

LillianGish · 29/11/2015 17:45

Tell your parents what the kids want - that way you won't have to buy anything and can use the cash for something else. Re-gift the the stuff you don't want or give it to charity. Otherwise see if you can persuade her to do what my parents do - pay money into an account for the kids so they get a sum of money when they are older. My parents (well now its just my mum) do this for all their grandchildren and then buy modest gifts at birthday and Christmas. Your parents obviously want to do something for your kids you need to try and channel that!! If they like shopping you might have to settle for the first option. I'm slightly surprised they want to give so much when they won't even be there to see them open them - maybe you could save some presents for when they get back and open them together.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 29/11/2015 17:46

hazelnutte So when you go, "Choose two of the presents and we'll give them those, take the others back, or they're going to charity" what does she do? It sounds like you've gone "please don't buy some more presents..." rather than actually having an effective response to the inappropriate gift giving.

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 17:48

Sanssora that's a lovely post, I know my mum doesn't mean any harm and I hope she does calm down in future!

OP posts:
Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 17:51

To those who have suggested I tell my mum what to get - I do make suggestions and she will buy them but also loads of other stuff too. She also complains that she hates being dictated to by me and would rather choose herself

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/11/2015 17:54

Well say the same back you are dictating what I have in my house

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 17:56

Fredfredgeorge last Christmas I said I wasn't going to give all of the presents to dd and they should take some back and my mum got really annoyed at me and called me ungrateful etc. I didn't suggest giving some presents to charity but I imagine I would get a similar response . I try and talk to my dad as he is much more sensible but he says that mum is going to do what she wants whatever I say.

OP posts:
Pranmasghost · 29/11/2015 17:59

I am with Sansoora! I do promise every year that I will buy less but then I see things and think,"oOh dgs/dgd would love that, just a little extra from Santa!"
I am sometimes tempted by stuff that I don't even have a recipient for like girly dolly things when youngest dgd is 12 or baby things when youngest dgc is six. I usually resist though. I love the Mumsnet secret Santa and usually ask for people needing gifts that I couldn't otherwise get.

spanky2 · 29/11/2015 18:00

My dcs will get nothing from my parents as my mum hates ds2 (8). They are really abusive. My parents have broken my heart with their appalling behaviour to me and my dcs.
I think you are lucky they are interested and love their gc so much.

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 18:01

Spanky I'm sorry to hear that and I realise that some people do have far more important things to worry about than something trivial like this

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/11/2015 18:02

Pran - you are doing it at the expense of your relationship with your child. Why?

peggyundercrackers · 29/11/2015 18:05

You sound ungrateful. Most grandparents spoil their gc more so at Christmas. If all the present fitted into a bin bag it actually doesn't sound that much.

DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 18:10

The problem is your mum doesn't think you are the grown up who has the right to dictate what happens with your DCs and in your home. But you know what, you do. You have asked her and she's ignored what you've requested. She knows it upset you this year so she's done it again this year fully intending to upset you - so it's ok for you to upset her, because she's chosen to upset you.

Open carefully at a corner so you can see what's in each packet, keep 2-3 for Christmas day. Put another couple away for through the year if you think it'll come in handy, put the rest to one side.

Call your mum and say "Look, we had the row last year, no point going over old ground, I'm just not going to give them all the gifts. Do you want the others back to return to the shops or are you happy for me to give to the local hospital/refuge/charity shop?" "we went through this last year, i'm not having all these things in the house, you know we don't have space, you aren'tactually being kind to do this, when you know." Hold the line, she needs to know you won't be giving htem all to the DCs.

DinosaursRoar · 29/11/2015 18:15

Peggy - they've been asked not to, and it's not just one set of grandparents buying gifts! We've had this with my parents BTW - I ended up having to list all the people who'd buy DC1 gifts, and as he is a Christmas birthday we also have double coming in for birthday as well. But it took them being here and seeing DC1 at 2 being bored of opening gifts, ignoring the unopened ones and getting on with playing with some stuff already opened to finally 'get it'.

PennyHasNoSurname · 29/11/2015 18:20

Honestly id be blunt. Open the gifts carefully, rewrapping a selection of each which the dcs will actually use, and bag the rest up.

When they get back from their trip (or before if there is time), return the excess with a firm "you said you wouldnt do this, ive picked the dcs four each from the bag. The rest are for you to deal with".

HelloItsMeAgain · 29/11/2015 18:27

So many people saying "you sound ungrateful" Well yes. She is not thankful for stuff she does not want, does not have room for, does not want to overwhelm her DCs with. For stuff she has asked not to have. I would not want 15 odd toys every year just from one person - how will the DCs learn to appreciate stuff if they are overwhelmed.

OP you are totally allowed to feel "ungrateful".

I had this from my mother for the first 2 years - I had to have the chat. And what really stuck home was when she was with us Christmas Day and saw the lack of interest DD had with the 27 trillion presents. She opened one - and wanted to play with it. Opened another ditto. After about 4 presents she was not bothered with anymore. DM could hardly call a 2 year old ungrateful - but she totally got my point.

Now she buys DD a single token gift and a huge book token (DD a total bookworm). DD delighted. I am happy. DM happy.

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 29/11/2015 18:31

I've been talking about this to DH and we are (carefully) opening the gifts tonight once dd is in bed. DD will get 3 or 4 on Christmas Day, the rest we will stash away and decide what to do with at a later date. If my mum asks where something is I will tell her the truth but I'm not going to volunteer the info as honestly she cannot be reasoned with and won't change her behaviour no matter what I do.
I know she loves her grandchildren but this is more about her compulsive need to shop - I have had years of her buying me clothes that are 3 sizes too big or too small (because they were a bargain) or random household stuff (baking trays are a recurring theme). I usually convince her to take it back afterwards but she is immovable when it comes to presents for my dc!
We are spending Christmas this year with PIL and I really don't want them to see how much stuff my mum has bought. They will bring one gift per person and I don't want them to feel inadequate.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 29/11/2015 18:47

The problem is your mum doesn't think you are the grown up who has the right to dictate what happens with your DCs and in your home.

Really? Hmm

I think its more likely that she's just totally taken up with being a granny and going a bit daft with things.

derxa · 29/11/2015 18:56

I think its more likely that she's just totally taken up with being a granny and going a bit daft with things. I don't think you're allowed to apply common sense to a thread like this, Sansoora Grin

JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/11/2015 18:59

Donate them to your local children's ward?

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