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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD birthday party

54 replies

MrsSocks · 28/11/2015 23:27

I know this is one of the oldest problems in the book but it is causing me no end of worry and I would like some opinions;

DS is 5 in the new year. We have a local outdoor pursuits centre that offer children's parties and he wants to have a birthday party there. They have an adjoining cafe and the whole party can be housed there, with the children getting instructor led pursuits and party food for a reasonable price. Max number 12 children. DS is extremely sociable and is only in his first term of reception so although has his 'best' friends it is all very new. We live in a small community though and I know all parents in the class incredibley well. DS has a firm list in his mind of who he wants to invite. This leaves children of who's parents I am particularly friendly with out of the party. WWYD? Do I go ahead with DS's invite list knowing that close friends, who consider my DS as one of their children's close friends, will be left out? Do I knock some of DSs choices off the list to allows others to come to avoid fall outs or do I scrap the party idea in favour of something that could involve the whole class (twenty odd)?

OP posts:

KeepOnMoving1 · 28/11/2015 23:31

I think in these situations remember that it's your child's birthday and it's really about who he wants there. As he already has a list, I'm assuming that he knows about this place already so changing the venue might be disappointing to him. Will he be willing to have it somewhere else do you think?
If not Go according to your son's list, anything else would be trying to please the parents which this is not about.

OwlinaTree · 28/11/2015 23:34

Could you have a little tea party at home for the family friends separately?

manicinsomniac · 28/11/2015 23:36

I would probably change the venue and invite everyone because I am a wimp!

I think your son should be able to invite the 12 he wants though, regardless of who your friends are.

BikeRunSki · 28/11/2015 23:40

His party, his list.
Have a party tea at home at a different time if you feel you want to involve anyone else in his birthday.

Original poster

MrsSocks · 28/11/2015 23:41

I could have something separate for the ones missing out but I would worry that this was obviously arranged intentionally and DS would still expect his 'best' friends to be there! The ones missing out aren't family friends as such. We live an area that live in each others pockets. Most of the childrens parents were in a class with me at school!

OP posts:

Motherinferior78 · 28/11/2015 23:41

Outdoor pursuits in January?!

Original poster

MrsSocks · 28/11/2015 23:42

I know your all right and it's his party and his friends! I'm just a total wimp!

OP posts:

KeepOnMoving1 · 28/11/2015 23:44

If you give in this time you know you will have to worry about this every time. Nip it in the bud. Go with his list.

balletgirlmum · 28/11/2015 23:44

Once they start school birthday parties are about your child's friends who he plays with by choice. They are no longer about your friends who happen to have children.

Original poster

MrsSocks · 28/11/2015 23:44

I've been diliberatly vague in the activity to avoid outing but be assured it is an outdoor pursuit that can be provided indoors!

OP posts:

Motherinferior78 · 28/11/2015 23:59

I think there comes a point when you have to accept that there are limits to what you can do with children's parties - you can't have everyone and you can't please everyone. It's his day - the one time when he gets to pick where and who so let him have control over it and enjoy it. It would be unfair to him and undermine him if you were to turn around and question his choices after telling him he can pick who he wants.

If you do think it might cause offence then I'm sure the other parents will understand if you just explain to them.

WorraLiberty · 29/11/2015 00:10

It's his Birthday and his party so he should have his friends there.

That's it really.

If you want to invite your close friends to a party, then have one yourself when it's your birthday.

Maryz · 29/11/2015 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 29/11/2015 00:24

Without a doubt - his party, so his choice of guests.

Cressandra · 29/11/2015 00:34

I would probably go for the bigger party this year, I'm afraid. Don't make him cross off his friends for the children of your friends.

BlueJug · 29/11/2015 00:37

V wise words from Maryz

madmotherof2 · 29/11/2015 00:55

His party, his choice of guests!

I'm friends with a group of mums, early last year 2 of the boys were having a joint party, they could invite 5 friends each but they didn't invite a particular little boy who's mum is part of our friendship group, it did not go down well with his mum, in her opinion as we are all friends her son should be invited! Unfortunately it does not work like that! She's still quite bitter about it now

Floralnomad · 29/11/2015 00:57

I would just have a bigger party somewhere else , maryz is absolutely correct in saying that friends are very fluid at that age . I think reception and yr1 are probably the 2 years that whole class parties are a good idea ,if you have the budget .

Decide4Yourself · 29/11/2015 01:14

I'd go with the 12 he wants at the party he wants. Perhaps you can remind him and the other partygoers not to talk about it at school.

It's ok not to invite everyone.

SummerNights1986 · 29/11/2015 01:17

Also agree with Maryz

You don't 'have' to have a whole class party of course - but, if you can (and if you want to) you need to take the opportunity when you can because they'll be very limited. It certainly makes invites a lot easier too.

Ds1 is 7 and his days of whole-class parties are now over because he thinks he's too old. He has about 6 solid, good friends and maybe another 2 or 4 more occasional friends. He's old enough to create his own guest list, think about it, be certain he's invited who he wants to smaller parties.

Ds2 is 5 and his friendship group changes on a weekly daily basis at the moment. If he had sole control of his invites, by the time his birthday came around he'd be really upset that X and X weren't there for instance. At 5, he doesn't have enough forward thinking to plan and not base his invites on who he'd played with that lunch time.

SummerNights1986 · 29/11/2015 01:18

Perhaps you can remind him and the other partygoers not to talk about it at school

At not quite 5?!? And pigs may fly!

SummerNights1986 · 29/11/2015 01:23

Anyway, for the WWYD - in Reception/Year 1 and maybe Year 2, I would always go for a whole class party in the sort of 'Up to 30' venue where it's not charged per head.

From Year 2 or 3 onwards, friends will be established, dc are old enough to understand, plan and make decisions they are less likely to regret and the list will naturally slim down.

Enjolrass · 29/11/2015 06:55

Ds is 5 in the new year.

He has a group of firm friends. They have been together since they were 3 and always been friends.

I am friends with their mums. However, this year we are doing the whole class party. To give him another year before we narrow it down.

The problem with the sort of part you are planning is that some kids may not fancy that and not want to do some of the stuff and your ds Is unlikely to know which kids they are.

Personally I would have a whole class party and do this next year. But if you have promised it already it's difficult.

Did you assume he would pick these friends? Or did you expect him to let you pick the guest list?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 29/11/2015 07:07

I would go with larger party if possible this year. By next year he will have a tighter group of friends. It will be apparent to everyone who is in that group and who isn't. You can even pre-empt next year's party this year by saying 'I know I am mad having so many. Next year he's just going to choose a few close friends.'

musicinspring1 · 29/11/2015 07:15

I would also go with the whole class party this year. At 5 their friend ships are changeable and really it's the parents who are still 'in charge' of their social lives. I would be wary of upsetting close friends as I really think it could have consequences, even if it's just feeling awkward for the rest of the year. In reception all of the parties were whole class or 'all the girls/boys' and then they got smaller from year one. Would he be happy to do the activity next year?

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