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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect the dsc to help out?

62 replies

wontyoupleasepleasehelpme · 28/11/2015 22:03

NC for this cus I think dh knows my usual name.
Basically since I had my ds 9 months ago, my dsd and dss haven't been to stay with us. They come every second Sunday for the day, but they also used to stay occasionally on a Saturday.
My dh works every fri and sat night so it was me that looked after them, they are teens so don't need looking after as such, but obviously just to supervise as my dh often doesn't arrive home til 2/3am from work.
I suppose my issue is this- before I had ds, I loved the dsc coming to stay, I used to often suggest it, I had a brilliant laugh with them, and I genuinely didn't mind tidying up after them, even after a long day at work. But now I do. I resent the extra dishes that no one offers to even take through to the kitchen. I resent all the cups and plates and spoons that get used and then just ditched in the sink for me to wash. I resent the clothes that get left lying around the house, rather than being put in the machine. Sweet wrappers stay on the couch/floor til I ask them to put them in the bin.
It's partly my fault, I used to run about after them because I didn't mind but now I find it too stressful on top of looking after ds. They stayed a couple of times after ds was born but I have now told dh that until they start helping out they are not staying. Now they never ask
to stay but I am not being a skivvy while dh is at work. How do I get things to change?

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 29/11/2015 17:16

as she helps with stuff for the baby then you could see it as swapping jobs. (maybe she will wash the bloody bottles if you teach her well) you wash her pots in exchange.

teach them to cook?

Kr1stina · 29/11/2015 17:23

I think their father needs to tell them to pick up after themselves .

And if they don't, leave it for him to do when he gets home from work . Then he will be motivated to speak to them again . Why should you be the bad guy if they are his kids.

You need to stop doing ALL the housework and childcare while you are on mat leave, or you will still be doing it all when you go back to work .

Also I take issue with those suggesting that asking teens to wash their own dishes or pick up their own sweet wrappers is somehow " helping the OP out " . That implies it's HER job to be their servant .

BathtimeFunkster · 29/11/2015 17:44

all the children are more important than you!

Uh WTF???

My children aren't "more important" than me or their father.

Everyone in a functional family is equally important.

HelenaDove · 29/11/2015 18:33

If this was the bio mum posting this thread ppl would quite rightly be asking why the father isnt spending time with the DC as it is primarily meant to be his contact time.

But because its the stepmum most posters havent asked that question.

Fratelli · 29/11/2015 21:33

They should be told to pick up after themselves by their father not you. They shouldn't be doing any other housework though.

I also think saying they can't stay until then is nasty and unnecessary. How would you feel if someone said that about your dc?

That aside, I think your biggest problem is your husband. He should be helping around the house, with the baby and asking his dcs to help. I also think it's concerning he doesn't spend more time with them. Good luck with him!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/11/2015 21:39

Kristina, it's a fair way to bridge the gap the OP had created by, you know, being their servant for years. It's phrased in the way the kids will understand. As in, why stuff is suddenly changing. Not sure why that was hard to figure out.

ginandjuice · 29/11/2015 21:40

If someone said that about my ds I would ask him why the help he wasn't doing his bit around the house. If you stay in my home you help out.
Maybe they are used to mummy doing everything for them but I doubt it.
The 16 yo did ONCE attempt dishes. He used cold water and nothing was clean. He also leaves things in pockets and puts them
In the washing machine despite me asking "have you checked nothing is in your pockets... Double checked??"
I actually now think how
fucking pathetic, this is a boy who wants to go to uni in two years time and live away from home. He's in for
a real nasty shock when he realises there are no washing fairies that everything for you.

Kr1stina · 29/11/2015 21:59

I didn't say it was hard to figure it out .

I said I take issue with it . Which mean, for the avoidance of doubt, that I disagree with it .

The same as I disagree with women saying they ask their partner to " help out " by loading the dishwasher. Because it assumes that it's her job and that they didnt dirty any of the dishes . They are not doing her a favour,they are acting like an adult who takes some responsibility for cleaning up his own mess and behaving like a functioning member of a household .

I get that the teenaged children don't live with the Op and their dad. But they are still very regular visitors , so I think it's reasonable to expect them to pick up their own sweet wrappers. It's not too challenging .

And their dad shouldn't let them get away with it, sounds like he doesn't care as he's out all the time anyway.

milaforni · 29/11/2015 22:06

Agree with MrsJavy.

This is so easy. When tea is over say 'Ok guys I need your help' and then start giving directions on who does what. Work with them and chatter away, making it a family time chore. Teenagers are a lot simpler than people think.
When you see something left in the living room just say 'could you grab that and throw it, put it up, wash it...whatever'
Teach them how you care for their brother. Explain what you are doing.
Make it very conversational, just part of what's going on.
You are stepping into a new roll with them. You can make it an easy transition. They will respond to you as they like you.
Also kids this age start wanting to do things with their friends and not parents. Totally normal. Part of them learning to detach and grow up.
You have had a loving fun relationship with them. Now it is maturing into a deeper bond, because you and DH have given them a new sibling. Make it wonderful.

milaforni · 29/11/2015 22:08

role not roll

(Truly wish there was an editing button)

Kr1stina · 29/11/2015 22:11

No I like roll

IwishIwasinNewYork · 29/11/2015 22:30

bathtime funkster

Kids are more important than their parents in terms of their emotional development and well being. The parents bring them into the world and are responsible for raising them, giving them confidence and self esteem, self worth, hopefully happiness. That's why people say 'I'd die for my kids'. Horrible cliche maybe, but all parents actually mean that if it came to it.

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