To expect the dsc to help out?

[wontyoupleasepleasehelpme]

NC for this cus I think dh knows my usual name.
Basically since I had my ds 9 months ago, my dsd and dss haven't been to stay with us. They come every second Sunday for the day, but they also used to stay occasionally on a Saturday.
My dh works every fri and sat night so it was me that looked after them, they are teens so don't need looking after as such, but obviously just to supervise as my dh often doesn't arrive home til 2/3am from work.
I suppose my issue is this- before I had ds, I loved the dsc coming to stay, I used to often suggest it, I had a brilliant laugh with them, and I genuinely didn't mind tidying up after them, even after a long day at work. But now I do. I resent the extra dishes that no one offers to even take through to the kitchen. I resent all the cups and plates and spoons that get used and then just ditched in the sink for me to wash. I resent the clothes that get left lying around the house, rather than being put in the machine. Sweet wrappers stay on the couch/floor til I ask them to put them in the bin.
It's partly my fault, I used to run about after them because I didn't mind but now I find it too stressful on top of looking after ds. They stayed a couple of times after ds was born but I have now told dh that until they start helping out they are not staying. Now they never ask
to stay but I am not being a skivvy while dh is at work. How do I get things to change?

Well, this shouldn't be so difficult if you all are so fond of one another. They don't sound bad.

Your husband should say "Hey kids,Stepmum is worn out with the baby and all. I need you to help around the house a bit more when you are here. We will greatly appreciate the assistance! And you are getting of an age where you need to learn household management and such so this will be good experience for when you are on your own."

In other words, don't present it as if what is desired is negative or a downer. Adults pick up after themselves. You are fast becoming adults. Hence you pick up after yourselves.

If you are worried it will make them resent the baby, say so. "I don't want you to look upon this as a negative or somehow as Baby's fault. I love you very much and I enjoy pampering ALL of you but I just don't have the energy right now even if you weren't almost adults. Could you please help? And when baby is a teen and we're all middle-aged it'll be his turn to wait on us hand and foot, haha!" (not that I expect the latter to happen but the point is, if you don't make such a heavy negative thing of it all, perhaps they wont' either.)

I don't see why this is causing so much stress.

'Hey kids, can you scrape your plates and put them in the sink'

'Can you pick up that rubbish please?'

Of course you have to remind them next time. They are kids, it takes more than asking once to make it a behaviour.

Dd has been scrapping her plate and putting it in the sink for years. She still forgets occasionally. I occasionally forget to put the washing in.

You are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's a situation that you in part have created. So start working now at changing it.

So from your stepchildren's point of view, their dad has a new baby and they are not welcome to stay anymore!?

WTF!

For god's sake please see this from their position. Their dad's home should be their home too, no matter how often or not they are there.

Of course they should help out and scrape plates, all kids over 5 or 6 years old can and should muck in with chores and clear up after themselves. But kids are selfish, lazy and messy and will get away with it if they can!

Start afresh, push aside resentments and have them to stay, affirming the house rules that they do their bit.

OP

You do realise you will go through this with your son too, don't you?

You may teach him to do jobs from being young, but he still will forget and 'forget accidentally on purpose' because he can't be arsed.

I did it and was brought up doing loads at home, as was my brother. Sometimes we genuinely forgot sometimes we pretended we forgot for no reason other than we just couldn't be bothered.

It's fairly typical teen behaviour.

The fact that they have stopped staying means that either they have realised that you aren't happy but don't know why.

Or they are purposely trying not to be there as much as they realise you have a lot on.

If it's the first you need to hold some bridges. If it's the second you need to make clear you are busy but still care and appreciate that they took action to make life easier, even though they miss out.

Words fail.

You had the chance to manage this all by yourself and simply ask them to pick things up, or say to them "kids I'm tired, I need your help clearing up, you clear I'll wash"

But no, you said the words "I'm not happy for them to stay when dh is not there"

And that's all they heard. :(

You have NO right to ban your dh children from their parents house. Not for this, and pretty much not for anything, but by attaching a condition to their stay, you have done precisely this.

...or your dh has bungled the communication of your request and made it look like they are banned.

Get them back and put this right. Do not put conditions on their visits.

Say to them that they need to understand that plates need clearing, stuff needs picking up, washing up needs doing. Say that you are happy washing up, but need them to pick up after themselves and that you will be reminding them.

And their mum is right, why not get them to mind ds while you take a bath?

You blew this good and proper, but you can put this right. The kids are old enough for you to be honest with them, apologise to them for making them feel as though they are not wanted, but explain that you need more help than you did previously. Explain too that regardless of the baby, they are old enough to understand that they need to pick up after themselves.

And that's all they heard. :(

I dont think she has actually said this to them though, has she?

It sounds like the kids have stopped staying of their own accord. Which, if I was op, I would be trying to get to the bottom of. Because it could that they have picked up on her feelings.

It's a big coincidence that she isn't happy with them stay and they have chosen to not stay around the same time.

Even on this thread you are giving mixed messages, it can not be there home but preferably only on a Sunday and not when DH is at work. If you are not careful the strain on DH relationship with his children will cause a break which will then cause strain in your relationship. Also be careful PND can linger in the background for a while even when you feel better.

I don't think YAB at all unreasonable.

You were U to skivvy after them before. It does kids no favours to teach them to be lazy shites who can't look after themselves and take responsibility for the mess they create.

I think their Dad needs to be very clear that they are not to come over and expect you to tidy up after them, that it is rude and unfair, and that being part of a family is doing your bit.

I also think you need to get over the idea of "grassing them up to their Mum"

They're not your "wee mates", you are in a parental role when they are in your house.

Leaving their stuff around for you to pick up is atrocious behaviour and it is their parents' job to address that with them.

YANBU for expecting them to take their pots to the kitchen and generally tidy up after themselves. But, honestly, your sudden expectations are ridiculous.

You were quite willing to do all of that and more for them when it was novel and new, you wanted to do those things to make yourself feel like you were needed by them. A way of acceptance I suppose, which is understandable. You are being so precious and I'm sorry that you suffered PND but having a baby doesn't relieve you from step parent duties. So your house is a bit untidy for the days they are staying? That's tough, you can't decide that you'd prefer to have a tidy house so you'd prefer them not to stay.

I cannot believe that you see their role as 'helping you out', you chose to have a baby when you knew you had step children. They are children, they are not on tap babysitters so that you can go and have a bath whilst they watch the baby. They are there to visit their family - which includes you as their step mother. If their mother really did suggest that then she'd wrong too.

Their dad need to organise his time better so that they can spend time with him too, I don't think leaving your DS out of an arrangement is helpful because, as others have pointed out, it will breed resentment. You seem to be attributing a lot of the blame for you not coping on their visits, I really think that is unfair. I'm not sure how having them to stay for a few nights is impacting on your day to day life at all. It all sounds very one sided, all on your terms, particularly in the way you describe them.

They sound like typical teenagers, they need reminders and they need to be chivvied along. They need guidance and consistency, not pushing to one side because they're messy and don't want to deal with it anymore. You sound incredibly precious.

When we stayed in their dads house, fine, but this is my house so nope, not happening.

OP, why do you say it's "your house", if you're married to their dad?

You do understand that it's actually your DH's house too, and therefore his DCs' house?

And that the DSC may decide that they want to move in full time with their dad and you, and that you wouldn't be able to say no to that?

well it's a two bed flat so if they want squash in that would be
Fine with me but I'm sure they prefer staying with their lovely mum in their nice 3 bed house.. If they move in here I would move in with her!

Need hardly precious to not want to pick up after nearly adult dsc- the eldest one is 16 FGS! could have his own place by now etc hardly a little boy.

Also, they do love helping out with the baby , I have NEVER asked them to help out with the baby, that is my responsibility. But dsd begs to feed him, change him etc and I trust her so that is all fine. They offer to hold him while I eat if they finish first as well for example and enjoy playing with him. So no worries about being "babysitters on tap". You do realise older kids can enjoy looking after their kid brother or sis without it being seen as taking advantage or whatever..

I think it's very telling they no longer visit or stay much since the new baby came along, they have obviously picked up on the fact that now you have your own child they are no longer wanted or being tolerated.

Your DH needs to man up too, what kind of man lets his wife ban his children for not taking a plate through to the kitchen.

I think it's very clear to everyone on this thread and therefore will be even clearer to your stepchildren that you don't consider your home, their home.

Wherever their dad is is their home.

And those children are as important as your baby, and all the children are more important than you!

When your son is 16 you will understand. Your feelings don't change, you don't suddenly see them as hulking great mess machines. They are your beloved children. I have three teenagers btw.

As everyone has said you shouldn't have to pick up after them but surely you can see that a middle road would have been better? Not 'they are too messy to be in MY house' but 'they need to step up and help more and I need to stop pandering to them'.

All they will feel is that the new baby has usurped them, they are no longer welcome and a stepmum who was previously friendly and loving, is now the opposite!

ps I agree re babysitting, of course the teens can help out with that - and anything else you need help with - it's your attitude that needs to change.

I also don't understand why a mountain had been made out of this particular molehill. Ask them to tidy up after themselves. If they forget, ask again. And repeat.

If you're still nagging them to remember in 4 months, then you have a valid cause for concern. Otherwise it just seems like they've been replaced. I have no idea why you felt you couldn't just talk to them. "Now the baby's here I'm much busier and more tired, so I need you guys to help keep the house tidy, thanks." Simple.

Do you feel like the PND is under control OP? I ask as when I had it a dirty spoon in the sink could have me in tears, and I am no clean/neat freak at any time. I agree with a PP who said the messages you are giving out seem quite mixed.

They are only with you every other Sunday for the day (I assumed from the title they live with you) and you say they are great kids, so I can't really see why this is causing so much stress? I have this everyday with my kids, you just have to constantly remind them stand over them as they scrape dinner into the bin.

It sounds your partner isn't that keen on having them for the night anyway (which is a bit sad) so the fact that you told him you'd rather not have them is a moot point.

Try to rectify this as it is wonderful that the DSC love their brother and you want to foster this rather than push them away.

I haven't actually banned them, but I have told dh I'm not keen on them
Staying when he is at work

The thing is if you said that to me, my immediate reaction would be: ok I'll cut my hours so I can spend time with all my children, (and if you want to work then you can) because otherwise the children won't feel welcome and part of the family.

Is that something you could consider so your dh is there to step up?

I would happily work weekends just now like I used to but he wants to keep working because he earns more than me. Anyway I am going back to work full time in a few months so they probably wouldn't be able to stay anyway. I don't mind them staying on their own for a few hours but not all evening while I'm working, earliest I would be home is midnight.

Poor kids. You were happy to indulge them before you had your own child as it was a bit like pretending to be a mother (but part time so no repercussions) but now you have a real child you kind of wish these ones didn't exist. It's really so hard to just ask them to tidy up after themselves, and to keep reminding them until they get it? No one is asking you to martyr yourself.

Shame on your husband if he is accepting you banning his children from his home or putting any conditions on it. You should pay attention to how unwilling he is to fight their corner as it'll be your DS's turn for such cruel treatment next if you two split.

Flipper but the nights they stay he's not here, so what can he really say- and the nights he's off they have school the next day but he works in the mornings, leaves at 5am some days and I don't drive so I couldn't even take them to school.
Anyway, I have had lots of good advice which I am going to apply this weekend when they come and start getting things back on track.

When you go back to work will he be reducing is ours so he has sometime to spend with his kids?

Regardless of everything else, that's not ok

He wouldn't be able to reduce his hours in this job but he is looking for something else for various reasons.
We are both going to be working as much as we can for a bit so we can eventually buy a bigger house. We are all so squashed in this house and I think that is partly the reason i feel like this.

We had a bigger home but moved closer to my in laws, my mil is retired and offered to watch ds so I can return to work. This means that dh can pay more in maintenance to his two dc as we have two wages instead of one wage and one basically paying for childcare. In this area we could only afford a 2 bed. Just before anybody starts the "why did you have a baby in a house too small bla bla"

I do feel sorry for them, they must feel like some sort of obsolete toy, no longer needed because a newer model has come out.
I think if you find them difficult then you need to swap roles for a while and reduce how much you are saving. Otherwise I think there is a high chance that they will reject their dad in the long run

perhaps you can appeal to them as older siblings and ask them to help tidy up after themselves.

you are also probably fdeeling a lot tireder and little things are more of an effort.