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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think birthdays have gone a bit grabby?

56 replies

stealtheatingtunnocks · 28/11/2015 18:08

New thing at our school gate, instead of children taking a present to birthday parties - the birthday kid's mum is saying "he'd really like this...." and the invitee mums are all putting in a tenner.

So, you invite 15 kids to a party and you score £150 to buy a huge fancy gift for your kid.

Really makes me uncomfortable - it's effectively charging a tenner for a party, and, means that kids aren't choosing, wrapping or participating in gift giving.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 28/11/2015 19:39

Crikey, rural Northern area here and wouldn't dream of specifying gift amount. Having said that I can't stand waste so would be happy with the piggy bank idea someone suggested especially for older kids.
It shouldn't matter two shits what a party costs, an invite should not be a bind to spend a certain amount on a gift .

Notso · 28/11/2015 19:48

I've been to a couple of parties that asked for £1 for the child to put towards a toy which I thought was fair enough.

DrSeuss love that rainbow idea.

seasidesally · 28/11/2015 20:04

@seasidesally - last party I was invited to was a fully paid trip to Gullivers Land that must have cost hundreds. One before was Euro Disney (including hotel) which I had to decline on my neice's behalf because there's no way giving less than £100 would have been ethical there. So yeah I probably don't live in a 'normal' area.

crikey,no you dont live in a normal area Smile

Original poster
stealtheatingtunnocks · 28/11/2015 20:56

Part of parties is learning to value friendships and the joy giving gifts - not to fund a big ticket item.

I like it too when they get things I'd not have thought of, Sally - and, yep, anything given with kindness is lovely.

My nephew did once get 15 identical action men because they were on offer in Woolworths (in the Dark Ages) - suppose that getting cash negates that.

Last party had the bank details of the mum so we can just do a transfer...yep, I suspect we're in A Certain Area.

I don't belong here.

OP posts:
nightsky010 · 28/11/2015 21:19

Spayceyboo Eurodisney, crazy! Are you in an affluent area of London? Do many of the mothers work?

nightsky010 · 28/11/2015 21:21

At our school it's usually £15 for an average present or £25-30 for a close friends one (private school where only a handful of mothers work, most cars in the car park are Chelsea tractors).

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 28/11/2015 21:26

Never seen that, it's very rude! Round here some people throw big parties with lovely gift bags for the kids to take home, fab entertainment, chocolate fountains, candy machines, sparkly dance floors etc & most of the presents are a min of £30. My DD got a beautiful Pandora braclet, tickets to a musical & £50 voucher at her last party.

I think it depends on area but we never/had money in cards, bank details Confused no way!

cardibach · 28/11/2015 21:29

Wow! DD is 19 now so I'm not up to date with parties for children, but I only spend £20 on family birthday presents! (More for DD but not hugely more). There's no way I'd spend that for a vague friend of my child.

Bigpants4 · 28/11/2015 21:33

It doesn't really matter how much the party costs the parent, the cost of the party should have no influence on how much attendees spend on a gift. People should just give what they are comfortable to give.

MooseyMouse · 28/11/2015 22:59

In DS's class we all give £5 and take turns at going to buy the present (steered by the parents). It's cheap, easy and the child gets something they really want.

Sadly we don't do the same in my other kids' classes.

LaLyra · 28/11/2015 23:27

£5 each in a card tends to be the done thing round here (along with class parties in the community hall - it's great, like being a kid again myself).

Often the birthday boy or girl will send a note out later to say they used the money to buy X or Y.

I think it's better than 28 lots of something they might not use.

usual · 28/11/2015 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nightsky010 · 29/11/2015 02:38

LadyMary
Our school parties are a bit like that, now I'm wondering if I'm not being generous enough! What are the parents at your school like?

nightsky010 · 29/11/2015 02:42

I don't think as a host that there should be an expectation of a certain level of present, but I do think as a guest it's reasonable to spend perhaps a similar amount that the parent would have spent per child on the party?? So I would probably have to decline if invited to Eurodisney!

ohtheholidays · 29/11/2015 02:45

I spend more than that but I really hope they don't start doing that at our DC's schools.Our DC like buying and wrapping presents for they're friends birthdays and I always ask before hand if there's anything specific the birthday boy or girl likes or would like and so far we've never duplicated a gift and the birthday child and the parents have always really liked what we've bought.

TwinklyMusic · 29/11/2015 03:12

Parents in our area have been doing 'collections' for the party child for many years. Not for little kids, because they prefer unwrapping the parcel to the actual gift anyhow Grin (and don't care how much it costs, no matter what area they live in!!). But for older kids, one parent, usually a friend of the birthday mum, or maybe the class rep if the whole class is invited, takes responsibility for collecting money in lieu of a present. It used to be a tenner, I think it is £20 or so now. I used to cringe at it, but I've gotten used to it and tbh it's just easier. I don't have to bother going to look for something for a kid I barely know, and when it's my kid's turn, they get a nice windfall for something they really want rather than lots of smaller presents (that are better suited to the child that gave it). However, for close friends we get them something personal and meaningful too.

Parties vary from old fashioned pass the parcel and jelly and ice cream type (actually, my favourite) to whatever you can imagine. All the usual - laser parties, football parties, pool parties, trips to Legoland or other adventure parks... the odd trip to Paris. There is no connection to the present/ amount collected (which is at the discretion of the invitee, although usually guided by the collector) and how elaborate the party is. That would be icky.

poocatcherchampion · 29/11/2015 03:22

I just can't stand the organised fun element of it. We are new to it as dd is only 3 but I am narked off at the arrival of a list of names for Christmas cards. The thought of having to give money to someone for a party etc leaves me cold. As does the vague sense she might miss out if we don't accept every party invite

Senpai · 29/11/2015 03:36

Plus parents spend a lot of time and money on parties; it's not ethical (in my opinion) to go to a party that costs the parents a lot of money to host & then fob the kid off with a cheapo present.

Then don't host an expensive party. Hmm

How much a parent spends on a party is not my concern. They made that choice. All a kid needs to be happy is copious amounts of sugar, balloons, and party games. They don't need to have a soft play rented out for them.

But.. honestly, I don't think it would bug me if someone asked for money instead of a gift. Saves me time shopping.

Shakshuka · 29/11/2015 03:55

Not with my kids' friends.

In fact, my daughter was invited to a 9th birthday party this Saturday and we were asked to donate a gift to a toy drive for Christmas presents for children in need.

I don't remember kids doing that when I was that age.

spaceyboo · 29/11/2015 09:46

Nightsky - not london but not far. Most of the women at my neice's school are very well off working mums who prob don't get to spend a lot of time with their kids so they tend to go big. Nothing wrong with that per se, but I just feel as a guest I shouldn't take the mick. Though with the way the comments are going here - other mums wouldn't hesitate to do enjoy an expensive party and then give a £5 gift!!!

usual · 29/11/2015 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narp · 29/11/2015 10:04

I agree with you OP.

If the parents want to buy a big present then they should budget accordingly - and if that means forgoing an expensive party, then that's what they should do.

I have never heard of this happening. I think it would be seen as crass.

Narp · 29/11/2015 10:09

spacey

You aren't 'fobbing the child off' with a cheap present. You are assuming the child would be unhappy.

I think the child would be more than happy, and if the parents are the kind to think a gift is 'being fobbed off' then I'd be more than happy to fob them off.

longestlurkerever · 29/11/2015 10:20

Oh god. Dd1 has her first school party in an hour. Am dreading all these politics. At least her birthday is not till the summer so I have time to suss the etiquette. Fwiw we are in affluent north London but I have spent less than a tenner . I wouldn't adjust the amount depending on type of party. It's not an entrance fee. I agree the money request is practical but not quite polite and the children like choosing gifts for their friends (though dd did comment that maybe she could play with it if she went to her friend's house to play). Shock at eurodisney though I'd probably have sent dd if she'd been invited and wanted to go (well, I might not have done as she's only 4 but not because it was so lavish). Nothing unethical about accepting an invitation. That super rich kid might have been disappointed to have no friends accept.

Squeegle · 29/11/2015 10:24

Now my DCs are 11 and 13 this seems to be normal. And tbh I am happy too. It means the child can save up for something. We don't usually have big parties now though- more 3 or 4 friends for sleepover or activity. B

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