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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if I was still invited, I'd have heard by now?

59 replies

HogglesFriend · 28/11/2015 09:35

About a month ago, someone who I've considered closest friend for many years invited me on a group outing scheduled for tomorrow. We had a disagreement recently (I invited her to something, she accepted but then changed plans when she got a better offer. I felt hurt that I'd been dropped so I called her on it which she didn't like) and whilst we've seen each other briefly since, I haven't spoken to her for a couple weeks (which up until recently would be unusual as we'd text/talk frequently) and I haven't had a text to confirm details about tomorrow. Do I...

A) assume she has forgotten about me and send her a text to see what the plan is?

B) assume because we've disagreed on something, she now doesn't want me to come and not contact her again until she contacts me?

C) send her a message asking if she is deliberately freezing me out because she is still annoyed about our disagreement?

We are both very stubborn and both like to think we're right but in this situation I do feel like the injured party - I think you don't accept an invitation from someone then go back on it because you've been invited to something else, surely? So I don't know now if she's genuinely forgotten she had invited me or I'm being punished because for the first time ever, I've voiced my upset about her behaviour. I kind of don't want to go for the A approach because if she has deliberately left me out, it'll be like I'm inviting myself out when I'm not wanted. I'm too old for friendship issues, I thought I'd be done with this in my teens! Thanks for any advice you give!

OP posts:
Junosmum · 28/11/2015 10:13

Go with A.

B & C risk losing the friendship over what is a petty disagreement which should have been quickly resolved.

Wolfiefan · 28/11/2015 10:15

I would text and ask still on and what are arrangements?
If she wants them she can ignore you and then you don't go. Perhaps she thinks you still have the arse with her?

Enjolrass · 28/11/2015 10:15

I assumed with tomorrow's event looming, she'd get in touch to sort things out

but if you accept you both feel you weren't wrong why didn't you get in touch?

Changeitup · 28/11/2015 10:16

I would do A as well, think if she's expecting you and you don't bother getting in touch or texting that really would be the end of friendship.

diddl · 28/11/2015 10:16

Could you ask anyone else the details if you don't want to ask her?

Is she likely to have said anything to any of them that would make it difficult for you to be there tomorrow?

If you really want to go & can't ask anyone else about it though, ask her!

If she's annoyed with you, I'm not really sure why you would expect her to be telling you details of stuff of her own accord.

Marshy · 28/11/2015 10:18

Just text her along the lines of 'just wondering what the plans are for tomorrow'. Unless you want the drama to continue.

hihihihihi · 28/11/2015 10:21

Why try to second guess what she's thinking? You never know what's going on in someone else's head. She may be sitting there wondering whether to contact you given that things are strained between you. I'd go with a simple text to find out what the plan is for tomorrow and then tomorrow try to find a quiet moment to sort things out with her.

SanityClause · 28/11/2015 10:24

Do A.

This will imply that you stand by what you said, but you are not going to let it spoil your friendship.

If she replies that she didn't think you would want to come after the argument, then you may have to be explicit, and say "I stand by what I said, but I think our friendship is strong enough to move on from this."

(If you were nasty, at all, in what you said to her, you should apologise for that, but not for what you said.)

Original poster
HogglesFriend · 28/11/2015 10:26

Sorry not to drip feed but it was me who broached the subject last time I saw her and she who brushed it under the carpet (to be fair we were in company so not the most ideal situation to discuss it) and after seeing her last, I sent a chatty text to which she replied but then I've heard nothing since. I really can't ring today as she's doing something that I know she'll not want to be distracted from. I should have called during the week but I've hung on and hung on, thinking if she wants me to go still, she'd get in touch. She could have genuinely forgotten but the nature of the day would make me think that's unlikely. As pp mentioned, she might think I've still got the hump but my last exchange with her showed no signs of me being arsy. Some excellent advice here, I read on here more than post but often find myself thinking 'what would the people of mumsnet do?'

OP posts:
magpie17 · 28/11/2015 10:34

If you can't call then text but do A. I'm guilty of being a bit petty and doing B in the past and you always end up regretting it because it makes an awkward situation worse. Be direct but light and just say something like 'I know things have been a bit strained between us but would love to see you tomorrow if you could let me know the details'. If she doesn't respond then you know where you stand but at least you haven't been the petty one, and if she responds in kind then you get to go on the day out - win win.

Donthate · 28/11/2015 10:35

Sender her a text saying are we still on for tomorrow.

To be honest you sound like you are both being as bad as each other. Let the other incident go or the friendship will come to an end over something silly.

momb · 28/11/2015 10:35

It would be better to call but as that isn't possible then A.

Maybe suggest a chat tonight after she's finished whatever she's doing.

pictish · 28/11/2015 10:35

I think broaching it with her last time was a mistake, but not a catastrophic one. It can be recovered.

When we are driven to call a friend out, especially a long standing one, it's fair to say it will have been an ongoing issue. In order for friendships to remain mutually beneficial there has to be mutual respect. If a friend expects to be allowed to treat you with disregard with no ramifications, to the point where she sees fit to actively punish you for daring to question her, then something is amiss in the friendship anyway.

The only way this can be salvaged is for you to assume the position of having done nothing worth falling out over. If she respects you she will pass on the arrangements cheerily enough...after all she values the friendship too, right?

Or you know...it's the other and she doesn't have any respect for you and her friendship terms are to toe the line or else. In which case your self respect will call time on her, sad though you'll be.

Either way, you can be confident that you behaved with integrity.

Italiangreyhound · 28/11/2015 10:43

Not read all replies... but read some... agree with leaningtoweroflego and Speak to her. Life's too short.

Or rather my longer reply....

Do you want to go? Do you still want to be friends with her?... If so, do A.

Do you not want to go? Do you not want to be friends with her?... If so, do B.

Do you want to discuss it and clear the air? ... If so, do C.

In your shoes I would not do nothing. I would tackle it either way. Life is too short for this level of ambiguity.

If she really is a good friend, forgive her for changing plans on you and move on. We all make mistakes. The older you get the more you realise old friends mean something but also life is too long to spend with people you don't really like. So is she an old friend, or someone you no longer like?

Maryz · 28/11/2015 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhiWrites · 28/11/2015 11:01

If you don't contact her then you'll be in the position of having stood her up.

AshleyWilkes · 28/11/2015 12:12

Pick up the phone and call her, you need to know and you need to talk rather then text.

At the very least, then A.

AyeAmarok · 28/11/2015 13:49

I think go with Pictish text. Makes you the bigger person, and makes it less easy for her to be a dick, and she can't be passive about it. She needs to be an overt dick.

Original poster
HogglesFriend · 28/11/2015 13:52

Right thank you everyone for your advice. I've been in touch and I'm going. I get the feeling though if I hadn't have made contact, I would have heard nothing. How it will be when I get there, I'm not sure but I'll go and be myself and see what happens. I won't mention our disagreement as I wouldn't want to cause a scene or spoil the day for anyone but it's clear we need to talk at some point. We're both very stubborn so I'm glad I've at least made an effort. Those that said life is too short, you're right and I love this friend dearly, which is why I was so upset that she favoured plans with someone else over the plans we had already made together. I'll see how tomorrow goes. Thanks again

OP posts:
diddl · 28/11/2015 14:00

When you called her out on what she had done, did she apologise?

What was her reason for seeing the other person even though she had first made plans with you?

I think the answers to those will tell you what she feels about you.

You say that you love her dearly & life is too short.

But she might not be as good a friend as you think.

longingforfun · 28/11/2015 14:27

I agree with Tendon Queen and Pictish - send her a text saying you're looking forward to it and asking if it's still on.

If she doesn't reply by tomorrow send her another one saying you havn't heard from her and does that mean she doesn't want to continue the friendship and that you hope not as you've know each other for 20 years. If there's still radio silence, assume the friendship is at an end

BalloonSlayer · 28/11/2015 15:22

I get the feeling though if I hadn't have made contact, I would have heard nothing.

I was just going to post that I reckon she is hoping that you don't make contact and don't come because you haven't heard anything, so that she can say "Well you didn't come to my thing, so you're just as bad as me so NER," when I read your update.

I still think that but you have retained the moral high ground by making contact and still going. So good for you and ha ha boo sucks to her with knobs on. (Hope you have a good time by the way Smile )

alltouchedout · 28/11/2015 15:26

She doesn't sound very nice. I hope your day is fun though!

tillytown · 28/11/2015 15:34

Have a fun day tomorrow

cardibach · 28/11/2015 15:46

If the friendship is to recover and function well, you need her respect. You won't get it by rolling on your back and exposing your belly Wow pictish that's an odd view of friendship! Pretty sure mine don't involve this kind of posturing/power struggle! Also, I think C is potentially aggressive, so don't agree with your assessment of that, either!

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