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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let mil come to see newborn at hosp or visit at Xmas?

29 replies

Changeitup · 27/11/2015 14:48

Obviously a lot of backstory to that title. You'll have read other threads under my other nc.
Overview: we cut down on contact with sil following abusive msgs and aggressive behaviour. Many people in family understood this decision-mil did not. We made it clear that family events etc we could be civil with sil but sil said she would not be civil with us even in front of dc.

Since then mil has basically sided with sil- she refused to see our baby last Xmas as sil didn't want her too. We have been lied to and not invited to family events. Mil ruined our wedding this year screaming at me leading up to it, blackmailing us to try and get us to invite sil and then refusing to speak to me on the day plus other issues- so obviously we don't have the best relationship.

Things are civil now but strained and I feel really uncomfortable around her.
I'm due to give birth anytime. The baby will need to stay in hosp at least 2 days due to checks baby needs to have. I have said to dh I think its best he tells his DM in advance that this is happening and that once we're home and settled she could see the baby then ie the day after we get out of hosp.
Dh has agreed to the plan but says he will tell her once baby's here not beforehand.

Secondly after refusing to see our dd last Xmas, mil is dropping hints she wants to visit on Xmas day to see the newborn and dd- I've said I think its too raw after what happened last Xmas and that we should arrange for Boxing Day or day after instead. I don't think after everything that's happened in the last 12 months I can happily share Xmas day with the woman.

Aibu on either/both?
I need honest involved opinions please
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeitup · 27/11/2015 14:52

To add I won't be having many other visitors to the hosp just dh, my DM and dd.
I think its going to be a very stressful time anyway so I think honestly I'd feel too vulnerable to have many other visitors in general but mil especially given all the drama we have.

OP posts:
minniebear · 27/11/2015 14:53

YANBU as far as I can see-you can have who you want to the hospital, and you'll have a newborn at Christmas, plus your other child. It might be worth considering whether basing your decision re: Christmas on last year is fair? Not sure. Both the birth and Christmas are meant to be special times and memorable for the right reasons. It sounds like all the past drama will make both difficult.

mintoil · 27/11/2015 14:55

YANBU except I am not sure why you would want someone that toxic around your DC.

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 27/11/2015 14:58

See from the title I was ready to say YABU but with the back story I think you are totally justified.

If your relationship is fragile with MIL then only take it at a pace you and your DH feel comfortable with.

P1nkP0ppy · 27/11/2015 14:58

Good grief, I'd say no visitors, other than your mum, before New Year at the earliest.
Even then I'd restrict it to a very short visit.
My MIL was utterly awful, she sounds horribly like her......

nancy75 · 27/11/2015 15:00

What does your DH think about all this?
Personally I wouldn't want the woman to see my children at all but I understand she is his parent and he may feel differently

VestalVirgin · 27/11/2015 15:07

I think you are completely justified to not want any visitors, much less ones who'd stress you, after giving birth.

Same for Christmas - inviting MIL for a day that is not as important to you is a good compromise.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 27/11/2015 15:10

I think I remember your other threads OP.

When you say "see the kids on Xmas day" how long are we talking about? Full blown whole day deal or half an hour in the afternoon? Could you pop into hers? then you get to decide how long it lasts?

I think the hospital visit is a different entity (and I think if your DM gets to visit at the hospital, it will be hard to insist the MIL doesn't come). I think laying the groundwork beforehand is very important, and to let her know that any visit will be short (any hospital visit is likely to be shorter than one to your home anyway).

I think the thing to really think about is what you want the relationship to be going forward, if you want to reconcile then stopping her visiting probably isn't the way to go.

When it comes down to it, see how she is when your new baby arrives and then make a decision re: xmas. At least with a newborn you should be entitled to have a low key xmas with no visitors if that's what you want.

WickedWax · 27/11/2015 15:13

I think you'd be better saying ok to the hospital visit, where the visit is controlled and will be short, and maybe your DM can be there too, and a big HELL NO to Christmas day.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 15:13

Bloody hell, I would be going nc with MIL too, she also sounds very toxic. I would not tell her when your baby is being born, nothing. I could not have her round either, after her behaviour.

Daffodil90 · 27/11/2015 15:13

Given everything that has happened between you all over the last year+ I think you definitely stick to what you want. Your emotions will already be all over and Christmas is stressful enough without her making comments or creating a drama.

You can include in your birth plan that there are no other visitors than DH/DD and hopefully the staff will help you out by not letting anyone else in (usually no more than 2 anyway) and she won't know what room(s) you're in unless you tell her.

As for Christmas I would just be honest, the tensions are still there and you need a peaceful day with your newest family member. Lock the doors and if she knocks, don't answer, that would be her own tough luck for ignoring your request.

All the best for the birth and congratulations - and Merry Christmas!

coconutpie · 27/11/2015 15:22

I've read your other threads. Do not waste any further energy on that nasty woman. I would not be allowing her to visit your newborn at all.

coconutpie · 27/11/2015 15:25

Raptor - why would it be difficult to not allow MIL to visit hospital just because the OP's DM is visiting? The OP is the one who will have just birthed a child, it is up to HER and her alone who visits. Presumably her DM is supportive and therefore she wants her there. Why should she just suck up a visit from her nasty MIL just because she happens to be her newborn's grandmother? Fuck that.

diddl · 27/11/2015 15:26

If your husband tells her when you have had the baby, is she likely to fuss about coming to the hospital or being on the doorstep when you leave?

If so, I'd be tempted to not tell her until you areboth home & you are prepared to endure a visit from her (which it sounds as if she doesn't deserve)

Don't feel that you have to see her & let her be a part of your lives because of who she is.

We've always had Christmas Day just the four of us when the kids were young,as happened in my family & my husband's.

Boxing Day was the day for GPs (and we all got on).

LagunaBubbles · 27/11/2015 15:28

I feel sorry for your DH because at the end of the day she is his Mum and is just as related to your children as your Mum. I was ready to say YABU to but your story sounds familiar and I think Ive read some of your other threads - so no, YANBU.

BogusCatAndTheFuzz · 27/11/2015 15:39

Having read your other threads why are you considering her feelings at all??

She clearly never considers yours.

She and your SIL are toxic, your DH needs to be protecting you from them and both of you protecting your DC's.

You're too nice for your own good you know!!! Flowers

tomatotoad · 27/11/2015 15:40

I only saw your last thread about MIL's 60th. I felt for her as that wasn't her fault, but you were angry with her about it. I think MIL is caught between a rock and a hard place.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/11/2015 15:41

I think if you're going to allow her to be a part of your life and visit then saying no to Christmas Day but yes to Boxing Day seems a bit petty.

Although I can't imagine why you'd want to see her at all. I'd be saying a big "fuck off" to the whole lot!

diddl · 27/11/2015 15:57

"Although I can't imagine why you'd want to see her at all. I'd be saying a big "fuck off" to the whole lot!"

Absolutely.

I'd be saying no to Christmas Day on the grounds that her daughter might not let her!

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 27/11/2015 16:18

I'd have nothing to do with her at all!

Related or not, life is too short for this sort of drama. Who needs it?

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your new baby.

Original poster
Changeitup · 27/11/2015 16:30

Thank you all.
Thing my main concern at this point is that dh doesn't want to tell mil in advance- my worry is that if the baby arrives and then he tells her 'baby's here but we'll see you in a few days' it will cause another meltdown which obviously won't be a good time for me- which is why I think he should perhaps broach it now.
But a couple of you suggested not telling her straight away- which actually dh has suggested. My issue with that was that it would mean I wouldn't be able to announce it to my family and friends until she knew, which I would like to be able to do.

OP posts:
Sunnyshores · 27/11/2015 16:31

Whether you get on with her or not, when youve just given birth it is completely up to you who you have around. I felt really crappy and didnt want anyone visiting me the day I was there. With a newborn the first few days are really all about you and baby, unfortunate it coincides with xmas, but again it should be what you and DP want it to be.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 27/11/2015 16:40

You've told us that this woman:

-ignored you at your own wedding
-verbally abused you
-lied to you
-blackmailed you
-refused to see you last Christmas
-has excluded you from family events

She has lost all rights to make presumptions about her role in your lives. Once you and your husband have decided what YOU want regarding visiting the new baby and Christmas then he needs to tell her and refuse to enter into a discussion. If she doesn't like it she can bog off.

diddl · 27/11/2015 16:50

"I wouldn't be able to announce it to my family and friends until she knew,"

Why?

Can I say-consider her as much as she considers you-not at all!

MyOwnAdventCalendar · 27/11/2015 17:05

I remember your other thread. Your MIL is an enabler to your toxic, spoilt SIL and she needs to be put firmly on the naughty step to show her that her favouritism has consequences.

YOU be the one to tell her as your DH will water it down. Tell your MIL that she and SIL have caused you a lot of stress over the past year, you are just about to have a baby and need to take care of yourself. You will let her know when you are up to having her over.

If the broom fits, fly it love.