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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About wanting DH at my scan

37 replies

Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 14:27

I think I am being unreasonable and need a gentle slap to get over it.

I got a letter today with my scan appointment. I'm 10 weeks and the appointment is for next week. My GP referred me for an early scan as I had a miscarriage the middle of August. Provided everything shows ok on this scan it will be the only scan I have.

DH has a weeks holiday booked from 7th December.

I called him today to tell him about the scan and he started saying that he has no holiday left and he wouldn't be able to go (it's a minimum 3 hour appointment according to the letter). I reminded him that it would be the only scan and he said we can book a private one. But I want him with me for this one, I'm not usually nervous but after the miscarriage I keep thinking what would I do if they discovered at the scan that the baby had stopped growing. I told him I was nervous and could he swap one of his holidays and he said he wasn't sure

I know I'm being unreasonable but I feel a bit down after the conversation that he doesn't see the scan as important (as background, when they were together his ex had a miscarriage which was only discovered at the scan) so I think he should be a bit more understanding.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 27/11/2015 14:32

YANBU - the purpose of scans is to check everything is OK. It is perfectly normal to want someone with you in case you have bad news, even though this is unlikely to happen. I think your dh is assuming everything will be fine. Only if this were guarenteed to be the case would you possibly be unreasonable.

BestZebbie · 27/11/2015 14:34

I know I'm being unreasonable but I feel a bit down after the conversation that he doesn't see the scan as important (as background, when they were together his ex had a miscarriage which was only discovered at the scan) so I think he should be a bit more understanding.

Is it possible that he (possibly subconsciously)doesn't really want to be at the scan in case it is like that again, becaue he found that traumatic and is trying to avoid being in that position again/thinking about it because it makes him anxious?

NinaSimoneful · 27/11/2015 14:37

Is it possible that he (possibly subconsciously)doesn't really want to be at the scan in case it is like that again, becaue he found that traumatic and is trying to avoid being in that position again/thinking about it because it makes him anxious?

Possibly. If so he should understand that you might be just a touch anxious too and could do with the support of a) your partner and b) the child's father.

Flowers Hope the scan goes okay for you either way.

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 14:38

best I actually think it might have something to do with it. He was fine my first pregnancy but he was pretty upset over the miscarriage so I think maybe that we're both more nervous this time.

OP posts:
BolshierAryaStark · 27/11/2015 14:50

Hmmm hard one really as can see both sides, either way hope all is good at the scan.
As an aside, why only one scan, does your trust not do an anomaly scan at 20 weeks?

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 14:56

bolshier I'm in Ireland. Generally the scan is at about 15 weeks and if you're considered a low-risk pregnancy then that's all you get.

My GP referred me for an earlier scan due to the miscarriage - I got a letter on Monday saying I was on the waiting list and then the appointment letter today that says this will be my only scan.

OP posts:
landrover · 27/11/2015 14:59

You will have other scans though? It seem odd for you to need to allow 3 hours? Alternatively have the scan a week later when he is off? It may be less than a week later anyway, depending what day you are booked in.

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:04

landrover no other scans, unless we book private ones. It's my first midwife/booking in appointment so there is a bit of information taking. I remember lots of sitting around waiting from last time. If I don't take this scan it could be weeks before I get another appointment, there's no guarantee at all that is get an appointment for the week DH is off.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 27/11/2015 15:05

What's he planning to do during his week off? On the face of it if he doesn't have anything planned in particular then he should definitely swop one of the days over. In fact there is a bit of a question mark over why he booked all his remaining holiday if he knew you had a scan coming up.

landrover · 27/11/2015 15:06

I think in your situation that I would opt for a private scan then. Good luck, Im sure everything will all be fine xx

Goingtobeawesome · 27/11/2015 15:08

He might be upset about appreciate loss, and worried about something going wrong with this baby, but this is one of those times when he has to man up and support his pregnant wife. Not put himself first. IMHO.

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:15

gruntled To be fair he had the weeks holiday booked before I was pregnant, I didn't expect to get pregnant again so soon. He always takes a week off in the run up to Christmas, mostly to do DIY for my mother and at home and to finish Christmas shopping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:18

landrover I still have to go to this scan though. It's my 'official' medical one - private scans aren't part of the network of pregnant appointments. They're in private clinics and they don't liaise with midwives.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/11/2015 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddingoff · 27/11/2015 15:22

Bit off topic but beware - if it's a public hospital and the same down south as it is here in the north, they won't do nuchal fold measurement. I only discovered this at the scan (had assumed would be the same as NHS in the rest of the UK) and scrambled to arrange a private scan in time. They also didn't do bloods for chromosomal abnormalities at the first scan (they seemed surprised to be asked even though I'm 36 and said I had to rebook for counselling with consultant first) so I arranged to get Harmony testing privately at the same time as the nuchal scan- the Harmony bloods are more accurate than the bloods the NHS were offering. If you do want tested for chromosomal abnormalities then find out what's on offer now so you can arrange a private scan/bloods if necessary.
As far as your original problem is concerned - ask him if his work would allow him to borrow a half day from next year's annual leave, or see if he could do a swap with a workmate if they don't work the same hours?

Fratelli · 27/11/2015 15:29

He's offered to book a private scan so I think you're confusing him not wanting to be there with him not being able to be there. It's understandable you want him there. My oh missed mine when I was having a big bleed (luckily the baby way ok) because we were at opposite ends of the country at the time and he couldn't get out of work. I was a little upset but I trusted he would have been there if he could have. I hope everything is ok Flowers

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:31

need he's been saying that he's really quite at work at the moment so I don't think it would be a huge problem. Plus his boss is very family friendly, he had no problem getting the time off last time.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/11/2015 15:33

I suppose you can't change it to when he's off?

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:34

Fratelli that's why I think I'm being unreasonable. I think it's just the fact he kinda just immediately said he couldn't without checking with work. I'm normally not nervous or anxious about pregnancy so I think he didn't take into account I am nervous.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 15:35

YANBU at all to want him to be there.

As his week off is just for DIY and Christmas shopping, he should ask his boss if he can work one day that week and take the day off for your scan. If his boss is reasonable and it won't cause an issue to take a day off at short notice, I don't see the problem.

NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 15:37

Cross posted, didn't see the last few updates. Good suggestion from diddl although you might be keen to have the scan sooner rather than later if you're anxious about it?

Original poster
Helgathehairy · 27/11/2015 15:39

diddl emma with the health system the way it is in Ireland, if I don't take this appointment it might be weeks before I get another one. There's no guarantee I'd get the appointment on his week off.

OP posts:
BooAvenue · 27/11/2015 15:39

My DH was like this for the first scan for DC2, he literally didn't seem to see the point of attending/prioritise it over work Hmm.

His argument was he'd seen it all before (we have a DD) and that there was nothing much to see at that stage anyway.

I swiftly kicked him in the nuts told him he'd better bloody be there as him attending was about supporting me and not for his own enjoyment. He came with me and to all subsequent scans in the end and was actually very supportive.

scarlets · 27/11/2015 15:44

If you can't change it to when he's off, and he genuinely can't swap, I'd suggest taking someone else for support? I very much wanted DH at mine but one of my parents, my MiL, or one of my best friends would have sufficed.

I'm sorry about your traumatic m/c but congrats for this one! Exciting times.

diddl · 27/11/2015 15:45

Might be easiest if he can take one day less AL then from the 7th & have the day of the scan off if that's doable.

I don't think that YABU.

You are anxious & would like him there.