Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DP has female friends I don't know about?

33 replies

MinnieSmith · 26/11/2015 17:27

Just that really.

I recently joined Facebook and am surprised that my DP of three years has regular posts from a few women he's never mentioned to me. Nothing untoward or anything but these appear to be friends of his.

I don't think I have any friends I've not mentioned to him, certainly no one that I'm in touch with any more. And I've at least heard of his male friends on there, even if they're not friends I know.

I feel a bit weird about it - seems like lying by omission. Makes me wonder if there's anything else he hasn't told me about. I'm amazed that one of their names has never come up in conversation in relation to something.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable about this though and this is just Facebook stuff and not real life and maybe it doesn't mean a thing.

What do you think?

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 26/11/2015 17:46

YABVU. And paranoid. If there was anything going on it would be all kept in secret not splashed across FB for his GF to see

Gottagetmoving · 26/11/2015 17:50

They could be old school friends or old work colleagues?
I have male 'friends' on Facebook who are people I knew years ago, mostly people I worked with. I have never mentioned them to DP, because they are not that important, I never see them although they may comment on my page and mostly because he wouldn't want to be bored by me explaining about them.
I don't think it's lying by omission. It's just not important. One is an ex boyfriend from when I was a teenager but there is nothing sinister in that...we are not interested in any rekindling of that romance

turningvioletviolet · 26/11/2015 17:51

I've got no idea who dh is friends with on FB. I could check if i wanted to but i can't be arsed to be honest. There are definitely a few women in there given the odd tag i see on my timeline. Just as there is the odd man on mine who dh doesn't query with me.

Original poster
MinnieSmith · 26/11/2015 18:03

Ok, thanks - unreasonable and paranoid it is then! Fair enough.

I really don't think anything is going on, just thought it was odd that he might be good friends with people that he never mentions.

I don't really get Facebook to be honest - maybe I should just go back to avoiding it.

OP posts:
Therewasanoldladywho · 26/11/2015 18:06

My dh has about 400 'friends' lots of women, who also comment on his posts. Even though I am paranoid normally, I can't read anything in to this, and I feel neither should you. Probably old colleagues, college friends etc. You don't go through deleting members of the opposite sex when you become an other half.

SurferJet · 26/11/2015 18:06

Yanbu - I'd be a bit suspicious.

Fugghetaboutit · 26/11/2015 18:07

I've got people on FB from pre-dp. Why would I go through each man on my FB to him? Imagine if your dp asked you to do that!

Original poster
MinnieSmith · 26/11/2015 18:13

I don't want him to delete anyone. I don't want him to go through each person on his FB either.

I suppose just looking at some of his recent posts made me feel a bit left out that I don't know who it is he's talking to when normally he talks to me about everything.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 26/11/2015 18:16

YABVU
dh and I have been married over 21 yrs. He has LOADS of people on FB that I don't know, and yes, quite a lot of them are female. In what way is this odd? Confused
He works with lots of people I don't know
He has friends from a hobby I don't share
He has friends from school I don't know
etc.etc.

Just the same as he doesn't know everyone I'm FB friends with - why would you ?

KeepOnMoving1 · 26/11/2015 18:19

What is the context of these posts?

TheWitTank · 26/11/2015 18:22

I have loads of male friends on my FB that DH doesn't know. Work colleagues, old work colleagues, school friends, friends husbands/partners, gym friends, some who I share interests with. Nothing suspicious at all about it. I don't generally mention who they are or what they do to DH as it wouldn't interest him -why would it? Most are strangers to him. I don't ask DH about his conversations at work with his female colleagues. Yabu and a bit silly.

TwoTwoOneBravo · 26/11/2015 18:24

I think you need to grow up a bit to be honest.

Many people have 100+ FB friends. Do you really expect to know every one of them? Would you be 'suspicious' if your DP had male friends you didn't know?

SilkandSteel · 26/11/2015 18:24

When you say 'posts' do you mean posts that they have made and are showing up on his timeline, or are they posts written to him specifically?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/11/2015 18:25

I would be astounded if DH knew who half the people on my FB were. Old colleagues, people I traveled with years ago, people from kid's activities. I'm amazed you know who all the men are.

IsaBisaBuildsaBoat · 26/11/2015 18:27

Give her a break! She doesn't know how FB works.

OP, you are new to FB so you just need to get used to the etiquette. FB 'friend' ship is not really like real life friendship. People use it in very different ways and commenting on someone's post is often nothing to do with your actual real life relationship.

Bunbaker · 26/11/2015 18:29

I have male friends on FB that OH has never met. They are all people I use to work with, but still "talk" to online.

NataliaOsipova · 26/11/2015 18:33

I wouldn't worry. Facebook is all a bit "everyone I've ever met", so they probably aren't significant friends - think ex-colleagues, ex girlfriend of a friend, that sort of thing. He won't have mentioned it because they aren't significant.

Original poster
MinnieSmith · 26/11/2015 18:35

Isa - ha ha. I think you're right, I have absolutely no idea how FB works. Thank you for the etiquette explanation.

Thanks to the rest of you for putting me straight too! I will stop being silly.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/11/2015 18:39

SurferJet - Yanbu - I'd be a bit suspicious.

What? Of all of them? Confused

Natalieday1 · 26/11/2015 18:40

Maybe I am in the minority but me and my partner tell each other everything and I would expect if he was still in touch with female friends to at least have heard him mention them before..I'm not at all jealous or possessive or whatever u want to say but I would wonder why he hadn't mentioned them to me..there's not anyone I'm still in touch with that I haven't brought up in normal conversation with my partner! But everyone is different
Don't feel bad for being curious I'd be the same!
Xx

SolidGoldBrass · 26/11/2015 18:41

Another thing with FB is that some people post a lot and some less often. I sometimes find myself commenting on the timeline of someone I have not seen or really thought about for several years, simply because that person has shared something which interests me (cartoon, picture of cute cat contentious political stuff which I have to tell them off about immediately) even though I'm no longer entirely sure who the person is and s/he is probably thinking, is that a workmate's XW, someone I met on holiday, friend from defunct hobby group of 8 years ago...?

Really, don't worry about it.

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/11/2015 18:45

YABU. I work in a very male dominated field and hence a lot of my casual sort-of-friends are men. I know that two their wives know of me - those are the wives of the colleagues I've worked with the longest and who I am closest to.

I assume the other wives and girlfriends have no clue who I am - that would be because their blokes don't consider me sufficiently important to mention.

SurferJet · 26/11/2015 18:48

Worra - yes I'd be very suspicious.

If dh was regularly talking to women online I'd be fuming actually, I mean it's not like he has to chat to these women is it? - he's choosing to. FB is a 'social' networking site, it's all about chatting in the evenings to people you like spending time with. ( although I must admit I've added 'friends of friends' on my FB who dh doesn't know, but I've never spoken to them & they're all women )

Keeptrudging · 26/11/2015 18:55

I've got male friends on FB who I haven't seen in real life for 30+ years. We very occasionally comment on/like each other's posts, but only because we still have similar politics etc. They're definitely no threat to my husband Grin!

SaucyJack · 26/11/2015 19:05

Yes, as a lot of the PPs have said FB friendships aren't like real life ones.

It's a bit like MN in that sense. You might have a chat or a joke with someone on here when you wouldn't know them if you walked past them in the street.

Swipe left for the next trending thread