So she just gets away with it.

[PaleBlueDot]

DP & I have had an awful 3 weeks.
His ex-wife decided that he was no longer having contact with his 3 kids.
They have lived with us one week on, one week off for 2 years.

It started when DP couldn't collect them earlier (for genuine reasons) to enable her to go to a show. She told DP that because of his unreasonable behaviour in collecting the kids he would not see them at all!

DP went to collect as normal and the children had been shipped off to her mothers.
Her new husband gave him a barrage of abuse 'I'm a better dad than you' etc etc

DP came home from this and sobbed his heart out. And has been crying a lot lately due to missing his kids.

Of course we spoke to a solicitor who wrote to ex-wife. But for 3 weeks she has kept DP from seeing the boys - he has not been allowed to go round, has not been allowed to collect them for extra-curricular stuff, no phonecalls, nothing.

Me and DP being msierable, DD constantly asking where her 'brothers' are and me having to explain that they are spending time with mummy and will be home one day soon.

So yesterday, a message comes out the blue that DP can collect this weekend and all to go back to week on week off as normal!

We are of course over the moon and cannot wait to see them.

I cannot believe what she has put us through these past weeks, no apology, no explanation and now all must go back to normal because she has seen fit to 'allow' DP to see his kids.

We have made a payment on account (£500) at the solicitors, and they have only used 1.5 hours. We should have got 8 hours. I suggested using the remaining to get something formal in writing so that she couldn't pull another stunt like this, but DP says No, he doesn't want to rock the boat!

So she can whip the kids away any moment, I try to pick up the pieces and then it's all lovely again. Who can live like this?

AIBU to be a little peeved?

Open please take a moment and listen to all views I including your dh. You can get an agreement written up you might even get her to sign it but in reality you can't get her to adhere to it. The courts won't be able to help if she decides to stop access the cruel reality is that she can. However she is unlikely to as she likes her 'me time'. Try to set aside your justifiable anger and upset and take note of the fact that she has all the power. Your dsc are very young and very susceptible to parental alienation. I know far too many men in their fifties who don't see their children some haven't for years and it's not choice it's exes who made it impossible. If your dh needs to change pickup times can you do the pickup? I know you shouldn't have to but big picture is you need to keep her happy she not only doesn't have to keep you happy she actively doesn't want to. We haven't seen dsd for two heartbreaking years and I so wish I had known and understood the reality that she had all the power and we had none.

vile

what the fuck is wrong with "parents" who use their kids in this way

We're in the same boat it's constant walking on eggshells trying to accommodate what's she wants then as soon as it's not possible access is stopped and abuse is hurled until she stops sulking then normal service is resumed until the next time. It's been an 8 year roller coaster of emotions and she absolutely loves having the control. Good luck

I agree you need to have some sort of set in stone agreement. Also agree with maryz to wait till after Xmas.

I think it might help to get into her mindset. Was it his contact time when he couldn't pick them up? Could it be that she's annoyed at that? Maybe feels she's the default parent. Some people are utterly inflexible so you may have to make sure that whatever happens someone will be able to be pick them up.
Behave like they he is the only parent and cant fall back on her, have back up in place for when he cant get them.
In an ideal situation you wouldn't have to do this but If in her head he is being unreasonable you cant change her mindset, just yours. Its hard I know.

People who use children this way are sick. They are being cruel to their children and should be ashamed of themselves. Don't give in Op, and keep your DP fighting. Way too many parents get away with this simply because they can. The ex and her DP are bullying your DP.

Bullying is a good description. Have the control, scare the. Other parent into submission with threats or by actively withholding contact. And it does scare them - they are left knowing they are a puppet on a string who is entitled to no life (and many NRP that are dads are often accused of being defunct because they won't put their life on hold for their children) or faced with expensive court and solicitor fees to secure regular contact.

It never ceases to amaze me how mums are allowed 'me time' and dads are selfish for wanting a life and arranging social events that they don't want to give up because it's not contact time.

Do bends over backwards for her tbh. For example the week before this happened she asked if we could collect kids from school on her weeks because childcare was too much.
We agreed and also arranged after school care for dd (who attends a different school)
Basically costing us so we could do ex a favour.
Then one little thing doesn't go her way and boom it all goes tits up.

It is so frustrating and in the early days caused some upset between dp and I, but as the kids were more important I realised I had to deal with it for the sake of the kids

Seems he just give give gives and gets treated like a mug.

Now that the worst has happened dp feels she can't do any worse so is prepared to continue down the legal route.

Historically she has certainly been motivated by personal gain whether that be a a night out or financial benefits it just seems that every decision has an agenda and that agenda is forever changing.
It's exhausting

How are the children with the arrangement, putting side the current issues? A week in one place then a week in another alternating?

Is that a normal arrangement?

If they do one week on, one week off, then care must be 50/50. Why is he paying her, in that case?

If I were him, I'd be tempted to get a damn good lawyer and go for full custody. She sounds like an emotionally abusive, manipulative piece of work and I don't think its healthy for the poor DC involved to be used as her pawns. Even if they don't understand now, they will find out in the future.

Op
You really don't need a solicitor to sort this out, I'm speaking from experience.

Your dp can apply to your local family court for a child arrangements order, which costs around £220 I think. He may be asked to attend mediation before court, however sometimes mediation isn't suitable and you should get a court date sooner if not.

Family court is fairly informal and it's very easy to represent yourself, without solicitors, most people do now.

The court will be highly likely to arrange access times which will be equally fair to all of you.

The children really do seem fine with the arrangements

Two homes, two bedrooms, time with mum and with dad.

I'm not sure if it's normal to others. It's certainly normal to us.

I'd think the kids may be a little unsettled having been at mums for 3 weeks and could have contributed to her change in heart

To clarify, no money changes hands. We pay all fees on our weeks, the children have separate school uniforms, whole set of clothes etc etc. School trips are halved though and each parent does own birthdays Christmas etc.
We do not claim tax credits or child benefit, she claims 100%

When I referred to financial benefit I meant that we would have been saving her the cost of childcare on her weeks, yet I would be paying for after school care for dd

You need a signed and mutually agreed upon parenting plan that gets rubber stamped by family court. It is the only way to maximise your chances of not winding up with DCs used as pawns, though someone who is truly 'difficult' will always find a way to wage covert war.

You could have a clause that any change of plans must be communicated at least five days in advance and must be unavoidable (and unavoidable circumstances should be listed). This would give the party depending on having the boys picked up plenty of time to arrange babysitting.

Fighting for full custody would be vengeful and would drag everyone through unnecessary animosity and anxiety, and might not be to the benefit of the children. If the boys are happy with the current arrangement then even though it seems to me it might involve considerable discombobulation, it should stand, but it should be enforceable.

(YY to 'wait til after Christmas')

This type of behaviour isn't going to stop without a bit of legal pressure IMHO. Your DH might not want to rock the boat but this attitude leaves her holding all the cards. Every time things don't go her way she will pull this stunt.

A bit peeved!!!. You're more than entitled to be furious. The selfish cow not only to your dh your DD and yourself but to her and your DHs little boys.
Glad you've all got the contact back that you deserve. Hope you don't mind me saying this but you seem like an amazing step mum. Those little lads are lucky to have you.

What a sad sad situation.

Quite heartbreaking to hear that there are people who seem to do this.

My STBXH was unfaithful on multiple occasions. That's between him and me. I wouldn't dream of ever using our DC's as pawns. They need him, he's their dad.

You have to take this the legal route and get an agreement rubber stamped. Start making a note of everything.
Under no circumstances should your DP turn up to their school and just collect them. It could work against him.

See the legal route through. And your DP has every right to have them alternative Xmas's. I'm afraid foot needs to be put down. She's going to continue to do this.

Dh has similar with his ex. Except she goes further, makes up days when "daddy is picking you up" which is a complete fabrication, then tells dsc "daddy doesn't love you very much if he didn't turn up". When we have arranged to have him, sends him to his dgp/a friends house/her sisters etc before we arrive.

Sadly, dsc has cottoned on "I know mummy lies about you dad, I heard her laughing with her friend on the phone." She takes dsc phone away and changes the sim card so we cant contact directly, dh always has to go through her. She's poisen.

Forgive my bluntness but I am really struggling with this.

I wouldn't deny my ex access to our children because...well, there's a whole host of moral reasons for that one already discussed. But I do have a very, very high conflict situation with my ex and I would love nothing more to see him get what he deserves.... If I said 'no, you can't pick up the kids' , he would just pick them up when he knew I was still at work and could do nothing about it. He would then return them at the usual time and not say a word. He wouldn't put up with this kind of crap - he would stick up for himself and the kids and he would do it regardless of what the consequences might be because ultimately, he knows that whatever shit he throws at me (no maintenance, constant swapping of contact times, refusal to take children to activities or medical appointments etc. etc. etc.) the Law is on his side and the kids want a relationship with him.

I have no respect for him at all - but that is more respect than I have for all these men out there who never actually tackle the issue by just being the parents that they are and playing the game in a sensible and fair but very firm way. Just grow a pair. Deal with it. Be firm.

YANBU but sadly I know other men with impossible ex wives. I can't understand why they can't put their children first.

What a selfish cow. So she's got a new hubby but isn't satisfied with that...obviously still bears a grudge and puts that before her children's needs.

Don't let her get away with this; you must get a court order asap.

Next time you have them and she comes for them tell her to fuck off - don't let the kids go back. Play her at her own game - show her she has no control. What's good for her is good for you.

I have been on the other side, and eventually lost my job because my ex often failed to pick up DS on time and often forgotten to do it.

We had some big disagreements, exh was cancelling/late for contact so often, that the day he called to say he was ill and couldn't take care of DS, I just assumed it was just another excuse and refused to get in trouble with my boss to get yet another last minute permission. Months later I learned he was in hospital that day, but I had no way to know how bad things were that day because he chose not to tell me about it.

I'm sure his girlfriend thinks I am a cow and my friends think Exh is an irresponsible twat.

So... The moral of the story is, please try to protect the communication between the adults because without it, it is just one problem after another, and before judging other people's reactions, try to find out how the actions of your DP are afecting the other household, and also try to make them understand how their actions affect yours.

In an ideal world, rather than starting a solicitor bunfight, I would suggest you invite them to mediation with the intention to make things work. This could be a good opportunity for both parts to express their needs and concerns and a good environment to draw an agreement for contact, that could be later formalised in court.

Except she goes further, makes up days when "daddy is picking you up" which is a complete fabrication, then tells dsc "daddy doesn't love you very much if he didn't turn up"

How can people be so horrible to their own children, just to get back at the father?

"Except she goes further, makes up days when "daddy is picking you up" which is a complete fabrication, then tells dsc "daddy doesn't love you very much if he didn't turn up"

That is just sick.

It's awful, and must be so damaging for dsc, I don't know where the venom stems from, they'd been split up over ten years before I arrived on the scene but she still unsurprisingly doesn't like me, despite refusing to meet me so I can't really pass judgement on her other than what I know from Dh and his family (although obviously they're incredibly biased towards dh) but it just seems so cruel. Especially as now dsc has twigged on to the lies.