To not go to this wedding? (Long)

[Belfalas]

I have NC'd for this as it's massively identifying.

Long background to this, will try to sum it up briefly.

DBro had an affair, 18 months ago, SIL found out. I was there when the confrontation happened between them. This seemed to bring me in to the argument when I would rather have been nowhere near! DB made all sorts of excuses, said it was a one night stand. Kept stringing SIL on for a while, until she realised he was still seeing OW and then filed for divorce. They have been divorced for a couple of month now.

A few weeks ago I found out via the scan picture on facebook that DB and OW are expecting a baby. I was a little upset that he didn't bother telling me himself, but he doesn't really contact me at all lately, so wasn't that surprised.

I messaged my congratulations to him. He messaged back something along the lines of "Thanks, at least you're pleased for me. Unlike our selfish mother". I called my mum and it turns out that she also found out via facebook and couldn't understand why he wouldn't tell her she had another grandchild on the way.

A few days later, my immediate family all got a text from DB inviting us to his wedding. It's the first week of January, 250 miles away from where we all live (including DB) on a Thursday. DM is really upset as she can't take any time off work that soon after christmas. She explained that to DB and he said if she was a 'proper' mother that she'd do whatever she could to be there. She said if it was the weekend then of course she'd come.

I have also had to decline. My DD is starting nursery that week, I will be with her for her settling in sessions. DH can't take time off of work so soon after Christmas. DS has SN and the first few weeks of any term are extremely important for settling him back in to his routine and I'm not willing to risk messing that up. I also will find it extremely hard to afford to travel that far 2 weeks after Christmas.

DB is now refusing to speak to me. According to him I am as selfish as my mother and I obviously just don't agree with the wedding so I'm not going to go.
That's not true at all, they are getting married and having a baby. It's obviously more than a one night stand! Ultimately, I just want him to be happy. My opinion on how their relationship started is irrelevant.

I should probably also point out that none of us have met DB's Fiancée. Even though I have asked many times and even arranged a close family night out, which they didn't turn up to.

Well done if you got this far! I'm feeling guilty now, I don't know if maybe I should try to figure out a way to go or not?

Your brother is a twat of the highest order. Unbelievable

It's to your credit that you are trying to be kind. If he won't listen then sod him.

Well if you do tell SIL, it should probably be along the lines of she's had a lucky escape given how he is behaving.

He's not listening because he wants to play the victim.

Big ego, perhaps? His sense of self can't cope with being the bad guy who had an affair, hurt his (ex)wife, and upset his own family. So he has to be the victim.

Pathetic really.

yy Liney

I would, however, not hold back from contacting SIL. She probably DOES know about the wedding and may be thinking that her ex-in-laws will now be cutting her out, as they move on to the new situation. It would be good to avoid her thinking that, by showing that you are still in touch with her, regardless.

The way this reads to me is that he knows he has behaved badly and is ashamed to meet his family. Therefore he has made the wedding on a day and location that is inconvenient to you all.

Now he can pretend that your family are judging him and refusing to come to the wedding.

I would not go, but in the interest of family relations, I would e plain your reasons in your reply.

Classic case of projection.

He calls you selfish but he is in fact the selfish one.

He is acting like a child, so therefore treat him like one.

You have explained why you cannot attend (as has your DM), maybe you could ask to meet them during Christmas to give them their wedding gift and get to know this women?

your DBro seems to have a big chip and won't listen to reason.

I think you should try reaching out to the fiancee, if you are able to contact her directly? Explain how disappointed you are that you can't make the wedding and you really want to meet her soon. She might be nice. And she might turn out to be better at communicating than your DBro, which would be particularly useful when your DN arrives. And if she isn't, at least you tried.

tbh if someone planned a wedding on that date, with that amount of short notice I would almost think that they did it deliberately to avoid people being able to come.

The affair, divorce, your ongoing relationship with ex-SIL and idiot brother are all irrelevant.

The fact is you can't go. Your husband is working. Your son needs settling back into school. Your daughter is starting nursery. You will struggle to afford the trip after Christmas.

Your brother can be as angry, offended and outraged as he likes. Your life does not revolve around him! He sounds a brat.

If its up north im thinking they have live webcams.
Throw a family get together when they get back.
Start a collection for a gift.
Lots to show you care even of you cant be there.

Nothing stopping you sending a card and gift and say you look forward to having a get together at a mutually convenient time.

tbh if someone planned a wedding on that date, with that amount of short notice I would almost think that they did it deliberately to avoid people being able to come

This is what I was thinking to.

remove the back story

then what you have is a wedding that, on a practical level, you and your mum can't attend. I am guessing there is no major reason why it's on a Thursday and 250 miles away and at a time when people would be denied annual leave (I would be as well).

so he is being a numpty.

I think he knows he was out of order for cheating on his wife so is projecting his own feelings of guilt onto everyone else. I think all you can do at this point is give hime some space until things settle down with him a bit. It's a shame but you can't force him to have a relationship with you.

HelloItsMeAgain I must admit, that thought did cross my mind as well. It's like he's engineered it to be as inconvenient as possible. I wouldn't say that to him though, then he really would think I'm against him!

DH has a theory that the reason the wedding is where it is is because it's very close to where OW is originally from. He thinks her family must live there so that's why they are doing it there. It may be true, I have no knowledge of her family though so no idea where they actually live now. DB says he's doing it on a Thursday to make it cheaper.

alternative viewpoint:

I would bet that their relationship isn't anywhere near as happy as they're making out. they got together because of an affair, and now they need the world to know how happy they are. and I would bet that the baby wasn't planned but they now feel they have to get married to show how together they are with a new baby on the way. Except none of your brother's family are able to go, which for him reinforces his opinion that he is being judged and is essentially trapped.

I would write to him and reiterate that you love him and want him to be happy. And explain that your reasons for not going to the wedding are legitimate. It's very easy for people here to cast judgements and say how you should respond to him, but he's your brother and life just isn't that black and white.

Yes, it's true he's got himself into a mess of his own making and now needs to live with the decisions he's made. but you can still be there for him as his sister if you have previously had a close relationship.

wannaBe

Yes. That occurred to me. The situation sounds sad and a bit desperate.

I think the OP sounds like a very supportive sister, as you say

Totally agree with ourBlanche and other posters- write a letter. Even if it isn't received as well as you'd like, go on to send a nice card and thoughtful gift to the wedding. Although it might go against the grain a bit, the ultimate aim here is to have a good relationship with your future niece/nephew.

IME - when people know they have done something not very nice and no one likes the way they have behaved they go on the defensive and start blaming everyone else and saying they are behaving badly. He is also keeping his new partner from you all because she behaved badly too and he is worried one of you might say something to her.

Your DB knows he treated his XW badly and that his family didn't think much of him for it, so now he has created a situation where it is difficult for anyone to get to his wedding, so he can flounce about saying ' you're all worse than me - you didn't even come to my wedding'

There's no need for him to get married on a Thursday. He could have made things easier for everyone - he chose not to. I would ignore his tantrum and not go.

You'll probably have a chance to go to another one of his weddings in a few years when he ditches this partner for another OW.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. YANBU not to go. Maybe plan something nice with your mother that evening so there is minimal moping about what a shit son/brother he is.

I like the idea of writing a letter - however, an email is a permanent record, just in case he claims you said something that you didn't, and you need the "proof" - or you could photocopy it.
Try to stay positive and stick to the point - I truly believe that he feels guilty and is trying to shift the blame to those closest to him, to ease that guilt. My dad and stepmum did the same, my DS and I were the "bad" daughters, but my therapist suggested that they were trying to shift their guilt at having an affair and treating my DM badly onto us.

"A few days later, my immediate family all got a text from DB inviting us to his wedding. It's the first week of January, 250 miles away from where we all live (including DB) on a Thursday. "
When I read that my first thought was 'he's making it as difficult as possible for anyone to go'.

I think he's doing that 'rewriting history' thing. By making sure his family can't come to the wedding he's able to tell himself that they're all against him, they never loved him, so them siding with his ex-wife is just more of the same and it's nothing to do with how he behaved, he bears no responsibility for the split and he's a total saint to have put up with his family for as long as he did and they're showing their true colours now.

What a cunt.

Oh and YANBU to not go to the wedding. It's not logistically possible; it really is that simple. Remove all the baggage (affair/accusations of your brother) and you are still left with an event you can't attend because of where and when it is.

Nope!! He's behaving like a spoiled little boy, you should remind him about your commitments to your DS and suggest he is being selfish!