To dislike my sister?

[goggleboxismygod]

I have never actually voiced this to anyone in real life, including DP, so please be kind to me... I'm thinking about this because Christmas is coming up and I dread seeing her for it...

DSis (25) and I have never really been close. We fought like cat and dog when we were younger and our lives have taken very different paths ever since. We don't really fight now, but we really only talk now if (a) we need to (i.e. granddad is ill so recently we have talked) or (b) I call her because I've had some snarky text or voicemail about not having spoken to her or DN (usually she uses DN) in ages. I don't want to speak to her more because I don't actually like her.

I guess the reasons I don't like her are:

1. She is a massive drama queen - every tiny issue involves hysteria and stress and shouting. She's similar to my DM in that respect. A great example took place last week - my granddad fell and broke his hip - we live a couple of hours away and were therefore told by DF not to go to hospital for a bit as he was sedated anyway and DF and uncle were there and sufficient. I arranged to go this weekend as it seemed like close enough to show I care but not close enough to be a waste of a 2.5 hour drive. On the other hand, the minute she heard the same information, DSis was in fits of hysteria - crying, screaming and shouting at my DM on the phone, banging on about getting down there ASAP and getting DN there too just in case it was the last time etc. There was also a load of hysteria about whether she needed to take time off to care for him and how she was going to manage it (nobody asked her to do this and my DF and uncle are of course capable of handling this without her). She spent an hour on the phone telling me how she was going to get down there and get a doctor to sit down with her and give her all the info etc as they apparently did with my nan. It's exhausting. Every single thing, big or small, involves this level of hysteria and drama. Even the idea of my DM just moving house because she got a new job caused weeks or arguments, threats to go NC with DM and stop her seeing DN etc etc

Maybe I am too laid back though?

1. She constantly puts me down. Every comment made about me is derogatory and personal, and even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me, it does. Halfway through a conversation, she'll drop in something like "you don't have any common sense though" (FYI - i am a lawyer in the city and i'm pretty intelligent) or "well i'm the caring one - you're hard nosed when it comes to family and you don't make as much effort" (I think I make the standard amount of effort actually, I just don't have a drama and hysterics every time something untoward happens). She also says things like "well you got the brains, I got the beauty" all the time. I'd love to tell you she's joking but I am 100% sure she's not. She's parroting something people said to me when I was a kid (she is blonde and blue eyed and v girly, I am brunette and went through a tomboy phase as a kid). I am also sick of hearing comments about how I don't have kids - when I was younger I wasn't interested in them. Now that I am older I do want kids, but she takes every opportunity to make comments about how "it's best that you don't want kids because you'd be too impatient and too intolerant to be a mother anyway". It makes me question my own ability or suitability.

Nobody else ever seems to notice - DP has never said anything and nor has DM or my nan, each of whom has witnessed a lot of it.

You cant say anything to her though without constant backlash. I have tried in the past and I've just given up trying because I am sick of hearing "you think youre so much better than me because of your job" etc etc. For the record I don't - I think i'm better than her because I don't put her down constantly.

Am I just BU? Other people (DP included) seem to get on so well with their siblings. Maybe I am, as DSis says, uncaring, hard nosed, ugly and lacking in common sense, and I need to just suck it up because she's family.

ShebaShimmyShake - I don't think I am perfect by any stretch but I really don't think I see her enough for her to have any such stories about me. She does bitch about me to other family members - DB for example, who then tells me everything - and its always the same story:

Apparently I am uncaring because I don't call my granddad every week like she does. This is unfair because not only does he not want to speak to me every week as we (i) have nothing to say to each other because we're not close but (ii) I don't have a 4 year old he wants to see and hear about. I work a lot.

Apparently I don't care about my DN, my DB or my other grandparents because I moved to London and don't visit all the time. They live 200 miles away. I lend her money when she asks (it was 6 months' rent recently) even though she doesn't pay it all back to make sure DN is provided for, I pay some of DB's rent as he's a student and I call my other grandparents once a week because we are very close (and i see them whenever I can). Does that sound like enough?

Apparently I am impatient and intolerant. All true, but since we barely speak and I never call her out on anything because of her attitude, I don't see how this affects her.

So I'm not actually sure you're correct that all siblings that don't get on have some blame to take. Yes, we are very different, but I really don't understand what I do wrong, which I think is why the put downs hurt and the drama winds me up.

Interesting comments about Middle Children.

My middle DSis is a very prickly character, youngest DSis and I have a great relationship (more so now as adults than when growing up) and due to completely separate incidents are both now low/no contact with Middle DSis.

I do care for Middle Sis and would help her if something were to happen, but I would not choose her as a friend or to socialize with, and I am quite sure the feeling is mutual- so why push for something which neither of us would enjoy.

There are indeed no rules about having to have close relationships with siblings, it's just a bonus if you do!

I have disliked "D"B all his life. We have nothing in common bar being family. We had a massive row after a boxy family wedding where we both accused the other of playing on being our parents' favourite child - it was eye opening to see that he genuinely believed all the shit in his life was my fault! And that row is still considered 100% my fault, although it followed a full week of him telling me he hated me and wanted me dead. A whole week, all day. No more family holidays for me!

He's a total drama queen (King?) and even turned my dad's death into being all about him. I'll never forget seeing him getting a shoulder massage from mum the day after the funeral whilst saying he gives too much of himself.... I organised the funeral, btw.

But last month circumstances showed me that we were in the golden child/scapegoat set up. We recently switched roles, and I have more understanding now. Still loathe him - he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life, but I can see where he's coming from.

I won't go into details but suffice to say I am convinced my Mother was abducted by aliens and impregnated, the result being my sister. I see her once a year for half an hour the week before Christmas and that is the full extent of our relationship.

I know it's rubbish to be in this situation, but I am so glad to hear that these things aren't just happening to me.

DP's family (who all like each other) look positively weird right now!

You could be describing my sister - hysterical, self-centred, over-dramatic, every situation turned around to be all about her, no sense of how she comes across to other people and just a general all-round bitch. Don't spend another moment worrying about her, just get on with doing things your way. I stopped talking to my not so DS and although it hurt my parents (who know what she's like but understandably don't want to take sides), cutting contact has lifted a big weight from my shoulders. She once bought me an Xmas present consisting of a kitchen scourer and on-sale Terry's Chocolate Orange from Tesco, so safe to say I especially don't miss her this time of year!

OP, your sister does sound difficult, as you describe her. But I'd like to mention 2 things: one is that you yourself say that other people don't notice that she is like that. Could it be that you are a bit oversensitive? Just asking. The other thing is that people can (largely) be only who they are. If she is an extreme drama queen, she is an extreme drama queen. She can start only from where she is. She is still your sister though. (Admittedly my opinion is coloured by the fact that I dearly love my sister, who is younger than me and a very different person from me.)

My sister is the youngest.

Wedid have words on one occasion as adults, it got a little heated and exasperated I mentioned my ex had hit me, her reply was well you are argumentative steamedcharsiubun and then she smirked. That is how messed up she is.

Don't worry I don't like my brothers much either. And find my dad annoying a lot of the time. My mum is very sweet so I make some effort for her sake.

My brothers were much cooler than me at school (although younger) and were kind of allowed to treat me with disrespect as a result. This hasn't gone away.

My mum, although lovely, did slightly let the law of the jungle rule at home, and kind of worked on the basis that if a child is being teased it's their problem and "character building". In fact we know nowadays that it's character destroying.

I'm always rather suspicious of people who are 'best friends' with siblings.

For me, the problem with the sibling relationship is that you're 'supposed' to get along, AND you're 'supposed' to have a shared childhood underpinning your closeness, when of course even if you were born within a year or two of one another in the same house and to the same parents, you can still have entirely different experiences of living in your family.

I realised years ago that my next sister's version of events (2 years younger, four of us altogether) and mine can never agree, and she can't agree to disagree, but insists her account of our childhood is gospel. She's a qualified therapist who has had lots of therapy as part of her training, but her blind spot seems to be me - she's apparently unconscious of how relentlessly snide and bitchy she is about me. When I was primarily an academic high-flier and careerist, then I was chilly and one-dimensional. Now I have a three year old (she doesn't have children and has never wanted them), I'm some soft-witted mummy-bot, and he's somehow a rather hilarious/disgusting side-effect of me. That I find difficult to forgive - who's bitchy about a three-year-old, for crying out loud?

I probably see her for an hour a year. We live in different countries, but I probably spend a month or six weeks in our home country a year. She will come over on the last evening, grudgingly, and I'm fine with that. I don't need the negativity.

YANBU,I've gone NC with my oldest sibling(so no middle child syndrome to blame)the way he has always behaved is no more my fault than it is if it rains!

He always got into trouble when he was younger,bought shame to my Mum and Dad's door(how they put it)stole from his only sister on my wedding day,who is the youngest of all 3 of us(he's 15 years older than me)knowing full well that I'm seriously ill and disabled and that he's most probably going to out live me.

Got my other brother(13 years older than me)into trouble with the Police loads of times whilst they were both adults by giving my other brothers name for things he'd done wrong.

Swindled my Mother out of alot of money only months before she passed away until I got her to stand up to him and get the money back.

He's a Narcissistic fantasist and all of his grown up children have turned out to be just like him as well so we've gone NC with all of them as well.

None of them did sod all to help with my Mum's funeral or paid anything towards any of it yet made the whole day about themselves.

Silveroldie2 my own parents had said in the past that they were sure they'd bought the wrong child home with the oldest as he has always been awful and so different to us two younger one's.

ohtheholidays - I suppose it's too late to take him back and swap?

Silveroldie2 if they had a crib that would fit a 55 year old man of 6ft 3 then I think we'd give it ago

yanbu

its how you feel and from what you have posted it is not surprising

I work as a therapist and many clients have this issue not liking or really disliking (sometimes hating) a sibling (or parent) but what many struggle with is trying to work at the relationship it has become a habit and they end up feeling angry and hurt but again and again they fall into the same pattern

often it starts in childhood, people don't notice or get it as its how the family dynamic plays out

this might not be the case with you but have found with clients once they discuss it and accept that they have these feeling's there is a shift in how they feel and view the relationship and how they approach the relationship, you can't change how your sister is but you can change how you are in your relationship

You are not alone op.

You must know my sister!

Sister Bingo card printed out with bingo 'dabber' on top casually left lying on kitchen table for DSis to see? or have I gone too far? (I don't have a sister!)

OP I feel like I could've written this post? So strange!!! So obviously YANBU