To dislike my sister?

[goggleboxismygod]

I have never actually voiced this to anyone in real life, including DP, so please be kind to me... I'm thinking about this because Christmas is coming up and I dread seeing her for it...

DSis (25) and I have never really been close. We fought like cat and dog when we were younger and our lives have taken very different paths ever since. We don't really fight now, but we really only talk now if (a) we need to (i.e. granddad is ill so recently we have talked) or (b) I call her because I've had some snarky text or voicemail about not having spoken to her or DN (usually she uses DN) in ages. I don't want to speak to her more because I don't actually like her.

I guess the reasons I don't like her are:

1. She is a massive drama queen - every tiny issue involves hysteria and stress and shouting. She's similar to my DM in that respect. A great example took place last week - my granddad fell and broke his hip - we live a couple of hours away and were therefore told by DF not to go to hospital for a bit as he was sedated anyway and DF and uncle were there and sufficient. I arranged to go this weekend as it seemed like close enough to show I care but not close enough to be a waste of a 2.5 hour drive. On the other hand, the minute she heard the same information, DSis was in fits of hysteria - crying, screaming and shouting at my DM on the phone, banging on about getting down there ASAP and getting DN there too just in case it was the last time etc. There was also a load of hysteria about whether she needed to take time off to care for him and how she was going to manage it (nobody asked her to do this and my DF and uncle are of course capable of handling this without her). She spent an hour on the phone telling me how she was going to get down there and get a doctor to sit down with her and give her all the info etc as they apparently did with my nan. It's exhausting. Every single thing, big or small, involves this level of hysteria and drama. Even the idea of my DM just moving house because she got a new job caused weeks or arguments, threats to go NC with DM and stop her seeing DN etc etc

Maybe I am too laid back though?

1. She constantly puts me down. Every comment made about me is derogatory and personal, and even though I know I shouldn't let it get to me, it does. Halfway through a conversation, she'll drop in something like "you don't have any common sense though" (FYI - i am a lawyer in the city and i'm pretty intelligent) or "well i'm the caring one - you're hard nosed when it comes to family and you don't make as much effort" (I think I make the standard amount of effort actually, I just don't have a drama and hysterics every time something untoward happens). She also says things like "well you got the brains, I got the beauty" all the time. I'd love to tell you she's joking but I am 100% sure she's not. She's parroting something people said to me when I was a kid (she is blonde and blue eyed and v girly, I am brunette and went through a tomboy phase as a kid). I am also sick of hearing comments about how I don't have kids - when I was younger I wasn't interested in them. Now that I am older I do want kids, but she takes every opportunity to make comments about how "it's best that you don't want kids because you'd be too impatient and too intolerant to be a mother anyway". It makes me question my own ability or suitability.

Nobody else ever seems to notice - DP has never said anything and nor has DM or my nan, each of whom has witnessed a lot of it.

You cant say anything to her though without constant backlash. I have tried in the past and I've just given up trying because I am sick of hearing "you think youre so much better than me because of your job" etc etc. For the record I don't - I think i'm better than her because I don't put her down constantly.

Am I just BU? Other people (DP included) seem to get on so well with their siblings. Maybe I am, as DSis says, uncaring, hard nosed, ugly and lacking in common sense, and I need to just suck it up because she's family.

One day I accepted that my sister will never like me and will always find the smallest reason to give me the silent treatment, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, as I realised there is nothing I can do to change things. This is her choice, not mine, and I can't change her.

For what it's worth my cousin is the same, granted not a sister but it's hard work. She's 12 years older than me single and lives alone. She hasn't had a relationship for many years as she's somewhat difficult. I am now married and have a good job and she's always making remarks about how some of us need a man etc. It stems for jealously. It sounds similar with your sister she is obviously unhappy with her life but at 25 has a lot of time to sort it out!

sounds like a similar thing with my sister, my sister does have a mental illness but is very manipulative, dramatic and nasty with it. Not sure what to advise except concentrate on your own life and try not to let it get you down, you can't win with drama queens because they put so much more effort into beating you. The best thing you can do is try not to let it get to you.

My DSis is similar, she does my head in. Fortunately she also irritates my DH & my close friend, so I have allies when she is extra annoying & rather enjoy listening to her idiocy so I can share it later.

Which makes me sound hideous & bitchy, but it is pointless to confront her. She will literally have the equivalent of a toddler tantrum & life is too short.

So my coping technique - minimise contact, absorb with a wry smile, offload afterwards

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oh yes! It makes it so much more fun and less annoying, instead of being upset you almost mentally award yourself a pat on the back for predicting their shit

"ha, she mentioned my weight"
"ha, she mentioned their amazingsocial life"
"ha, she asked if I was planning to move house when I have NO MONEY"

Thanks all.

Nice to know so many of you have similar issues! Though on the other hand maybe a little worrying. I wondered whether any of your equally dramatic relatives are also middle children like my DSis as I have read about "Middle child syndrome" a few times!?

For the record re granddad... I went as soon as I could and I drove for 5.5 hours in one day to do it. I do care. Also - just to clarify, we have never really been that close to DF's parents. We are much closer to our other grandparents because we saw them much more (DF and DM have been divorced since we were small). So whilst I am of course upset that he is ill, DSis' reaction did seem OTT to me.

I think I will tell DP. You may all be right and he might actually agree but be too polite to tell me!

YANBU, my Dsis and I haven't spoken for 5 bliss filled drama free years (well for me anyway she's a crazy alcoholic so I presume she's just as chaotic as ever). Our parents are now dead though, so there isn't any reason for us to see each other again. Avoid the witch, oh and make sure when she offers her nuggets of wisdom you shoot her down.

I have a sister that acts the same way!

Basically she's toxic and brings nothing into my life except insults at any given opportunity or hypocrisy. She likes to compare my son to her kids but doesn't have a leg to stand on. She used to always mention the fact that I have one child but she has more, until I told her why. She's two-faced to all her friends and makes a mountain out of a mole hill! To be honest... she wouldn't at all be one of my friends if she wasn't my sister.

My DP has noticed it, my other sister and my mum but no one wants to challenge it. Only took me about 24 years to realise you don't have to be around anyone that just makes you miserable, even if they're family.

A lot of people that make comments about other people are insecure and want to "reassure" themselves, somehow. They turn it round to make them look good and you look bad when that isn't even the case.

If she's going to use that card then... Beauty isn't everything; beauty fades but good manners and being loyal lasts a life time. Your friends will stick around. Hers will probably realise what an utter bitch twat she is and leave (unless they themselves are similar!) No genuine friendships there.

I think you need to distance yourself from her and only go round once in a while or when you have to be civil for a family "gathering". Does she make any effort to see you? Just go round when you want or need to, not because she's getting snarky.

This perfectly describes it: www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10-things-to-remember-about-toxic-family-members/

She absolutely sounds like a pain in the arse, but it's one of those things where we'd really need to hear from her as well to know the full story. It's rarely a straightforward case when siblings don't get on and so many complaints about people are subjective judgments.

I'm not accusing OP of lying, but I am sure there are many other stories, back details and so on that the younger sister could fill us in on. I've heard my older sister describe me to others (we don't get on either) and while she never lies, she omits many details. For example, she'll tell people that I'm a spiteful drama queen who holds grudges. But she won't tell them that I'm holding out for an apology for her having wished me dead on numerous occasions.

I could give many examples like this. And it's why I am always a bit reluctant to judge another human being based on nothing more than one person's highly biased account of them. Actual abuse aside, of course.

I really don't like my sister, she's the middle child and I'm the oldest. She's not exactly a drama llama but sooooo insecure and touchy, I couldn't say anything without her taking offence and "thinking I was better than her". On paper, I'm the "success" of the (massively dysfunctional) family re my job and having a family of my own etc. and she feels like a failure, but I would get so fed up of being blamed for that and treading on eggshells. I didn't do it to piss her off! She's also desperate to be liked so she was always doing things for me, like trying to help me on with my coat, sucking up to me or bringing ridiculously excessive piles of presents. On top of all that, I'm extremely rational and sciency, and she is mrs wootastic and into all kinds of alternative therapies and stuff that really is bullshit (I know not all of it is, but...) and trying to push them on us. All of it would drive me insane.

One day I just wrote a long email explaining why I just couldn't handle it all any more. The shit did hit the fan big style, and now we hardly see her. When we have seen her I just hang back and don't get involved. She can spout bollocks to the kids and DP but I will only engage with straight-up, non-bollocks interactions. Yes it is harsh, and in that situation you could describe me as "cold" but I literally couldn't bear it any more and I had to disengage.

She used to come for Christmas and my stress levels would go through the roof. The fact that she doesn't now is such a relief.

It's insecurity OP, but whatever the reason, you can say no to being treated like dirt.

And of course, none of you should take my account of my sister as the gospel truth either....

Of course there are two sides to every story, but if someone is behaving really unpleasantly and thinks it's fine to just insult you and slag you off, whatever their backstory, you can say no to it.

You're not alone. Your sister sounds just like mine. Myself and per siblings are either incommunicado with her or just indifferent.
I don't think she realises how daft she looks or how much she is actually disliked.
She will make Facebook posts like, 'I'm the biggest bitch you'll ever meet, but I'm worth it' and her huns will like the post; 'Oh Hun, you're so brave and forthright and honest'.

It's more than just drama queen attention seeking. Someone explained to me that everything they're accusing you of, they're actually guilty of or lacking in themselves, which causes their insecurity.

For instance, like my violent ex (who's Facebook posts she likes to copy onto her own Wall, because she admires him or something we must assume ) she will say things to me like, 'Everybody sees through your butter wouldn't melt act, you can't stay so nice forever, you'll get caught out eventually, you big fake'. My ex said excatly the same words.

It was a lightbulb moment, it made me re-read all the accusations my ex had ever levelled at me, and saw through them all for the insecurities they really are, about him, not me.

I've become indifferent to her since social media appeared. It's made me see a side to her I knew existed, but also made me feel sorry for her.
It's a handy format for people like that, bullies. They publish as much vitriol as they can make up, and you're defenceless to it, you can't reply.

But she's aware of my indifference now so her rage has no audience. No point bullying if the victim just shrugs and walks off. It's how I'm dealing with my DV ex too now. His abuse dissipated significantly since I stopped caring.

OP, don't wait for explanations is my advice. Whatever's driving her isn't something she'll ever make herself vulnerable enough in front of you to share.
My family dismiss it lightheartedly as 'sibling rivalry', and say my sister and I are having 'a feud'. What they're actually doing is condoning the behaviour of a bully, and I'll never get that, the same way I don't get why my violent ex still has friends who have witnessed his abuse, his despicable treatment of me, and continue to remain his friend.

Be assured, everyone knows what your sister is like, she even knows, she knows her Facebook huns are only superficially agreeing with her rants, deep down she even knows that her own family are embarrassed by her behaviour, but she's caught in her own downward spiral forever now.

I feel deep pity for my sister but I can't help her. She has a level of arrogance that's unbreakable. She's too much effort. For anybody. Which is reflected in her broken relationships, career history, general lifestyle failures, family feuds, constant dramas. Nobody wants to make an effort with her.

But her behaviour is toxic and I have children so sadly they lose their relationship with their Aunt because of it.

Sorry to hijack a bit with tales of my own sister, OP. But to summarise: nothing will ever change. They're not wired for it.

My brother is actually not a very Nice person. I hero worshipped him hen I was younger but as I got older I realised that he was actually an unpleasant bully.
Even my mum who adores him has said to me before that she has realised that she doesn't like who is is very much.
Yiu don't need to like someone just because you are related, although often you give them more leeway than other people because of other people involved.

And yes, she's a middle child.

That's exactly the point, though, GreenPotato - why are they insulting you? Why are they slagging you off? My sister, to use the above example, complains about me to people but doesn't tell them it's because she's been saying some pretty hurtful things to me and won't apologise for them. And of course, if you spoke to her about it, she'd probably tell you something I'd done that made it justifiable in her mind, or whatever.

There are certainly a lot of truly toxic people who really are just 100% responsible for all these tiffs and ongoing feuds in families. But so many times, it's two flawed people misunderstanding each other, wilfully or otherwise, or two people who are equal in every measure and just clash as personalities...no one person's fault more than the other.

And it's such an emotive, highly charged situation that you can almost never know which is which from one party's highly biased account. If it strays into abuse, then obviously that's another matter. If it's just 'my sister is so precious, such a fucking pain, listen to this' then, well, I can't help but think how my father and sister always described/describe me to others and I can't take it all at face value.

Yes tell your DP. Knowing that my husband sees my mum's has-lighting and unpleasant behaviour for what it is keeps me sane, and lets him vent about it too when it gets to him!!

gas-lighting, that is.

There's no rule that states we have to get on with and like our siblings! When there's tension it tends to be one who's a doormat and resents it, and the other who's the drama queen who flings herself around and expects everyone else to accommodate her.

You can either re establish the "rules" or avoid contact!

Erm yes, my nightmare sister is indeed the middle child. It makes me fear for DS2 (middle child, it really does).

Of all the reasons a person might be toxic and fucked up, being the middle child is not it. Nor is being the oldest, youngest or an only. I don't think your middle child will thank you for that kind of concern.

Please will you be my sister?

I clicked on this to see if it was posted by my sister, whom I barely speak to, and instead it was like reading ABOUT my sister.

You have my utmost empathy OP. I think part of it is that the more you disengage and sit back, as I have now done, the more they feel the need to needle you and try to get a rise. And however secure you are, the personal comments really slap you down. Keep doing what you're doing - do your own thing, keep her at arm's length and accept sadly to yourself that she will never be the person you want her to be and you'll never have that bond you wish you had and that other siblings have (and maybe have a think about being my sister instead, yeah?)

That's exactly the point, though, GreenPotato - why are they insulting you? Why are they slagging you off? My sister, to use the above example, complains about me to people but doesn't tell them it's because she's been saying some pretty hurtful things to me and won't apologise for them.

I see your point but in my case, I wasn't rude or hurtful to my sister at all - I've learnt not to say any of my thoughts at all because it always leads to tears and recriminations that "I think I'm better than her". So for example I would not be allowed say "but I'd rather not sign up to your friend's crystal healing workshop, it's not my kind of thing" without getting a barrage of abuse that I think I'm sooo great, I've got it in for her etc. My crime is to have my own life and personality and preferences, and not be an abject failure, so she feels I'm looking down my nose at her. But I have never slagged her off or told her she's not good enough or anything. On the contrary I've always tried to bolster her up. She has said some unforgiveable things to me, but I'm fair game because I'm "the lucky one" or "think I'm so great"

I think OP's sister sounds similar with the constant put-downs – it's insecurity that their sibling has a good job or relationship or whatever, and they feel second-best.

You are not being unreasonable, she sounds horrible! As I've got older I have realised that just because somebody is related to you that doesn't make them a nice person and doesn't mean you have to like them. I can't stand my brother, he is selfish and bigoted and quite stupid and always always put me down. I haven't seen or spoken to him for two years and am happier for it.

It's fine not to like her, she doesn't sound very likeable! It's also fine to keep contact minimal or not have direct contact with her at all. It's this big taboo to cut family members out of your life but if you had a friend like her that's exactly what you would go and nobody would judge you.

You don't have to suck it up. Her manner sounds really unlikeable. why spend time with anyone who makes you feel crap?

I am wondering though, how your parents dealt with the sibling rivalry when you were young.