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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my friend is annoyed over my non attendance at her party

82 replies

Daisysbear · 23/11/2015 13:59

A friend of mine is celebrating a big birthday next month and is having a party on Boxing Day (big afternoon affair). As a family we traditionally get together on this day, have a nice meal and take the children to the local pantomime i. It's something we've done for years, ever since the older grandchildren (now in their twenties) were tiny. I don't want to miss it, particularly as my parents are getting older and I'm really conscious that our Christmasses together won't go on forever.
So I've turned down her invite and suggested I take her out for a meal in January instead. Apparently she's really annoyed with me and thinks I could miss our family tradition for one year.
AIBU to think, if you arrange a party for a day so close to Christmas, you have to expect that a lot of people will have family things they are obliged to, or would prefer to, attend?

OP posts:
WoodHeaven · 23/11/2015 14:50

It doesn't matter the reason why the OP is not going to her friend's party though. She thinks that there is something else going on that is more important to her.
Her friend has no right to judge whether that other thing is worth it or not, or whether it is more important or not.

aginghippy · 23/11/2015 14:51

YANBU

She invited you to her party, you already had plans and declined the invitation. All perfectly reasonable.

Sounds like she is being a birthday-zilla.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/11/2015 14:51

She's not given much notice! I imagine the panto tickets are already bought.

wheelsonabus · 23/11/2015 14:52

Actually, thought about it some more and think the fact that she organised it on boxing day is what is annoying because it will have put lots of people in the same position - feeling torn over family or her big birthday. Not sure why she would do that.

ofallthenerve · 23/11/2015 14:55

Yanbu. Even if it wasn't Boxing Day, being "really annoyed" someone can't make it to your bday party is only normal in primary school. What a drama llama!

scarlets · 23/11/2015 14:57

It would have made more sense to throw a birthday party on 27th. Then, more people would attend, especially with 28th being a bank holiday.

yorkshapudding · 23/11/2015 14:59

It's ridiculously self-absorbed to plan an event for Boxing Day and then get upset when people can't attend due to family commitments. Many people will have cherished family traditions, people they need to visit, be traveling back from visiting family on Christmas day or be hosting their relatives so you won't be the only one who has declined.

ghostspirit · 23/11/2015 15:00

i would have thought alot of people will let her down. due to it being boxing day. would have been better for her to arrange a different day if shes going to be upset over people not being able to make it.

Fugghetaboutit · 23/11/2015 15:01

Yanbu. Boxing Day is for family IMO. Especially if you have dcs and older parents.

I would never go to a party on Boxing Day, I don't even get dressed on Boxing Day!

rubymallorywhite · 23/11/2015 15:02

YANBU!
It's a risk you take arranging a social event in the holidays especially on Boxing Day!
I would say that applies to Christmas Eve/ Boxing Day/ Hogmanay & New Year's Day to be honest.
It's a time where people have lots on, plans made way in advance & family traditions!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2015 15:08

My SIL's birthday is Xmas Day. She already can't have any celebration on that day. Her family, including DH don't even remember to say Happy Birthday half the time. I make a fuss on Xmas Eve and don't let her do any work on the day when it's our 'turn' to host. But it's a bit Hmm and it's every year. I suppose your friend just wanted a little fuss for a big birthday and have it near her actual birthday. I feel for her. But I know that on MN, people are weird about adult birthdays so she's SOL for sympathy here.

Lostcat2 · 23/11/2015 15:12

Ffs Boxing Day is steeped in family traditions and norms for lots of us. Completely normal.

She sounds daft and precious.

expatinscotland · 23/11/2015 15:15

YANBU.

Family first.

And Boxing Day is traditionally when people see family if they have not seen them at Christmas.

I don't get 'big birthday' do's, but especially not during a big holiday season.

00100001 · 23/11/2015 15:15

family is WAY more important

screw her

summerainbow · 23/11/2015 15:20

If your birthday is boxing day and you want celebrate your birthday on your birthday then you have to do something every year on your birthday so people work into into their plans . At this time of year your can't just give out invites as most will have plans set in stone . As lots of people have kids parents traveling and work to fit in.

summerainbow · 23/11/2015 15:23

Also taxi free are way more expensive and it only an afternoon event and most people like drink over Christmas. And you need to invite the whole famliy to events over Christmas cos they will be together.

Lozza1990 · 23/11/2015 15:28

It is unreasonable to expect people to come to her party on Boxing Day. You won't be the only one not coming. My family doesn't have any traditions really but I love Christmas and Christmas Day and Boxing Day are spent with the family no matter who's having a party.

Original poster
Daisysbear · 23/11/2015 15:29

Thanks for all the replies.

To clarify, her actual birthday is the second week in December but she thought it would be nice to celebrate it on Boxing Day and tie it in with Christmas. She's having a meal at home with her family on the actual day.

I'm sure anyone whose free to go will do so, and some people will be delighted to have a party to go to on a day that can feel like an anti climax to many. But I'm equally sure there'll be people like me who are always tied up that day.

Anyhow, this thread has convinced me not to feel bad about not going Smile

OP posts:
seagreengirl · 23/11/2015 15:35

Flipping heck, I wouldn't go!! and I wouldn't think much of someone being upset about it either.

Fugghetaboutit · 23/11/2015 15:45

How odd. My sons birthday is Christmas Day and we do a party on the weekend before so it doesn't interfere with people's Christmas

ProfGrammaticus · 23/11/2015 15:48

Oh that's just silly. If it were her actual birthday then actually I think you should make an effort and try to do both. But it's not.

teatowel · 23/11/2015 15:48

Since her birthday isn't even on Boxing Day that makes her even more unreasonable. I do feel sorry for people who have their birthday at Christmas especially Christmas Day. They must often feel overlooked. However you have to work with what you have been given and make arrangements accordingly. Very few people can have parties on their actual birthday whatever time of year it is. Having a party on one of the most family orientated days of the year is a bit silly. I hope you have a lovely day with your family OP.

MitzyLeFrouf · 23/11/2015 15:55

She sounds like a ninny.

Stillunexpected · 23/11/2015 15:59

I think this is not just about you but she has probably had lots of people say they can't make it because of family commitments, travelling etc so is now (unreasonably) throwing her toys out of the pram.

BeYourOwnBoss · 23/11/2015 16:03

YANBU but I'm just thinking that the only possible reason why anyone would do this, is if they have never enjoyed Christmas with their family - ? Which is sad, and so maybe it's not helpful being annoyed at her, because if her reaction is based on her experiences that's sad surely? How about an extra effort to explain what a special time this is for you?..

But, ultimately, YANBU!