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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be stuck between staying at ILs or a hotel at Xmas....

70 replies

cjt110 · 23/11/2015 11:18

Some of you may remember my thread about the inlaws behaviour which resulted in me unfollowing them on FB, excluding them from any posts and my DH finally telling his sister and Mum that their behaviour stinks. (Trying to find the thread to link to!)

Eventually, I included them on my posts again and had some nice comments which are surprising as most of his sister's comments had been particularly not nice. Anyway, it has all been on an even keel and I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how nice they have been of late.

So the beast that is Christmas has arisen. DH usually works one of Christmas/New Year. We had said prior to the above and following last christmas that we wouldnt go down to visit his parents at Christmas when he sister was there too. The only time we can go down this year is when his sister is there. Fine. It's good things are on an even keel and we are happy to be there providing she is civil - which I think she will be.

One issue that we have is that she arrives on the day that we would also arrive. It's a 3 bedroom house. The guests will be me, dh, ds, sil and her husband and her 2 children. Usually when we have been before and SIL is there, she will have the larger of the 2 bedrooms and her children the smaller one meaning we have had to book into a hotel. This was partly the reason for saying we wouldnt visit when SIL was there again say it costs us IRO £120 for hotel, food, diesel just to stay for the weekend (2 nights).

So, do we book a hotel this year or stay with the family? DH told his Mum a few days ago and nothing has been forthcoming with "You can stay here" but nothing has been said about us booking a hotel either. Part of me wants to carry on with the hotel as it gives us some privacy, doesnt depend on SIL being "kind" and offering up a room, and also means we don't have to stay in the living room. But then after the recent issues, part of me thinks just bite the bullet and do the family thing. Just as a side note, when we do go at other times of the year when SIL isnt there, we stay at ILs.

I asked DH about it and he said he wasn't sure what we were doing. So I costed up the hotel and told him. I said about had his Mum mentioned anything and he said no. I said I wondered if she assumed we were staying in a hotel and maybe we could book the hotel but go up to ILs for breakfast. DH said something about how we never normally do that and have breakfast at the hotel.

In honour of building bridges, WWYD?

OP posts:

Reapwhatyousow · 23/11/2015 14:26

Thinking of others - it's nice for cousins to share a sleep over at the grandparents' home. They are the future, no?

eddielizzard · 23/11/2015 14:34

i would travel down the night before and check straight into the hotel. have breakfast at hotel and go to inlaws after that. stay with them for the day and the drive home that evening. one night in hotel, one day spent with them. half the cost.

diddl · 23/11/2015 14:37

What I meant was that he wants you to go as a family, but what about what you want?

I really would be making the same effort as them-which is none!

He has told his mum that her behaviour stinks, but has it changed anything?

He's still the one doing all the running!

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/11/2015 14:50

Reapwhatyousow Whilst I do agree, they don't see each other often. One lives 150 miles away, the other in another country. 2 of which don't really speak a lot of English. And our son would be stopping in our room with us as the boxroom is just big enough for the 2 cousins (aged 2 and 4).

diddl I think he has kind of faced facts that he will always be doing the running, or he wont see his parents which although he doesnt admit it, must hurt.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/11/2015 15:59

You may simply have to get to a point where the straw breaks DH's back.

Set expectations this year that you will be doing your own thing in your own home in 2016.

girlywhirly · 23/11/2015 16:11

Just for clarity, are you going to the ILS for the week-end before Christmas, because some posters think you are actually going for Christmas.

If you aren't going for Christmas itself, and things don't go so well with SIL, maybe next Christmas go to the ILS before SIL comes (if she does) and stay one night, leave their presents. Even if the beginning of December is the only time DH can get off work.

Original poster

cjt110 · 23/11/2015 16:22

No, we are going the weekend of the 18th of Dec.

MIL has just text me after I let her know we had booked the hotel assuming they had no room because she hadn't suggested otherwise even though she's known a few days we were going down saying that they were going to shuffle around and give us a room. FFS! lol. I can't cancel the booking as we will lose the money now (non refundable rooms). Why didn't she just think to let us know and we could make the decision with all knowledge available. Silly woman!

OP posts:

diddl · 23/11/2015 16:35

Well, I might be doing MIL a disservice here, but it's easy to make the offer when you know that it won't be taken up!

Of course you could mention going a day early or leaving a day later to test the waters...

SSargassoSea · 23/11/2015 16:46

Hotel.

Take some good light bulbs as hotel ones are always v dim.

girlywhirly · 23/11/2015 17:13

That's typical, but as diddl says, maybe she waited until you and DH had decided what to do and booked to offer. You could mention that next year you may have to change when you come even if it means you miss seeing SIL, and can only stay the one night.

rookiemere · 23/11/2015 17:28

To be fair to MIL you didn't ask the direct question either - unless you did in your last thread.

I would text back and say something like :

"That's good to know for next time, as staying at a hotel makes it a costly visit. Look forward to seeing you on xx date."

I wouldn't trust the offer to be honest, she may have offered it but it's still dependant on SIL having her own children in the bedroom and you know when push comes to shove you'd be in the living room.

Hotel is an expense but at least you'll get a lovely cooked breakfast and someone else making your nice comfy bed. We're on the saggy, disgusting mattress at SILs with the vile yellow pillows ( am bringing my own this year) in the back room from which BIl expects us to erase our presence by 8.00am . But they are generally lovely and DS has a great time.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 23/11/2015 17:37

Nah, she waited till after you booked to say that - cunning! But definitely use rookie's suggestion for a reply.

neverputasockinatoaster · 23/11/2015 18:16

We have a similar issue when we visit my ILs. They have a tiny 2 bedroomed Bungalow in which they raised 4 children (the boys slept in the converted loft while SIL had a bedroom to herself).

Visiting used to be a nightmare until we decided to use a hotel. It means we can sod off if things get too much, we get a lovely cooked breakfast and I can take DS and DD if I want to while DH has time with MIL and FIL.

We are very lucky in that MIL and FIL go halves with us on the cost of the room as they recognise how much a visit costs us compared to the rest of their children as one lives nearby and the others are un married with no children and so have their 'own rooms' to stay in.

I'd pick Hotel every time now!

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/11/2015 19:23

"SIL wouldnt dream of having her children in the room with her. Very strange when she then moans how we don't stay in the living room"
I'd be a total bastard, and suggest very sweetly to SIL that perhaps she might like to take the living room next time? knowing full well she would have a fit at the very idea

Original poster

cjt110 · 24/11/2015 09:20

Well I politely made it be known to MIL that if she had offered earlier then we wouldnt have booked a hotel. However, every cloud and that :)

OP posts:

TheCuttingRdge · 24/11/2015 10:41

Haha the old 'I'll make the offer when it's far too late and I never had any intention of doing it'. That is my MIL's tactic of choice.

I had major surgery in September. Never once did she offer to come and help with the children afterwards, it was on a leg so I couldn't walk and DH was away with the army. Afterwards she was telling anyone who'd listen that she had wanted to help but hadn't been asked, despite booking to go on holiday when I had the op. I didn't ask her because I knew she wouldn't have come and I couldn't face the fake promises.

girlywhirly · 24/11/2015 13:50

Well done cjt110. I hope that things go well and that SIL will continue to at least be civil and not start any rows. I didn't notice at first in the OP, but SIL'S husband is coming this year, isn't that unusual?

Original poster

cjt110 · 24/11/2015 14:21

girlywhirly He usually comes at Christmas but hasnt been the last 2 times she has been throughout the year x

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 24/11/2015 15:23

Ah, I understand. I did wonder if SIL was having problems with him which contributed to her being hard work!

rookiemere · 24/11/2015 17:59

You can innocently drop a wee bomb on Christmas day ,
"Oh SIL it's great that you're able to share with your DC's now so we can have a bedroom when we come next time", and watch it all explode.

My guess is that MIL has not discussed this with her DD and would just see how it went on the day, so bringing it out in the open would be very interesting.

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