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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be stuck between staying at ILs or a hotel at Xmas....

70 replies

cjt110 · 23/11/2015 11:18

Some of you may remember my thread about the inlaws behaviour which resulted in me unfollowing them on FB, excluding them from any posts and my DH finally telling his sister and Mum that their behaviour stinks. (Trying to find the thread to link to!)

Eventually, I included them on my posts again and had some nice comments which are surprising as most of his sister's comments had been particularly not nice. Anyway, it has all been on an even keel and I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how nice they have been of late.

So the beast that is Christmas has arisen. DH usually works one of Christmas/New Year. We had said prior to the above and following last christmas that we wouldnt go down to visit his parents at Christmas when he sister was there too. The only time we can go down this year is when his sister is there. Fine. It's good things are on an even keel and we are happy to be there providing she is civil - which I think she will be.

One issue that we have is that she arrives on the day that we would also arrive. It's a 3 bedroom house. The guests will be me, dh, ds, sil and her husband and her 2 children. Usually when we have been before and SIL is there, she will have the larger of the 2 bedrooms and her children the smaller one meaning we have had to book into a hotel. This was partly the reason for saying we wouldnt visit when SIL was there again say it costs us IRO £120 for hotel, food, diesel just to stay for the weekend (2 nights).

So, do we book a hotel this year or stay with the family? DH told his Mum a few days ago and nothing has been forthcoming with "You can stay here" but nothing has been said about us booking a hotel either. Part of me wants to carry on with the hotel as it gives us some privacy, doesnt depend on SIL being "kind" and offering up a room, and also means we don't have to stay in the living room. But then after the recent issues, part of me thinks just bite the bullet and do the family thing. Just as a side note, when we do go at other times of the year when SIL isnt there, we stay at ILs.

I asked DH about it and he said he wasn't sure what we were doing. So I costed up the hotel and told him. I said about had his Mum mentioned anything and he said no. I said I wondered if she assumed we were staying in a hotel and maybe we could book the hotel but go up to ILs for breakfast. DH said something about how we never normally do that and have breakfast at the hotel.

In honour of building bridges, WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 12:07

miaowroar Not really with the driving - We get a bottle of wine to enjoy in our room once DS has fallen asleep.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Given a choice we would go when she isnt there. Sadly, she is here from 18 Dec to 6 Jan. We thought by going 18 Dec we might avoid her but no. DS really wants to see his parents so we will just have to bear it. And I won't be biting my tongue this year.

OP posts:
Katarzyna79 · 23/11/2015 12:08

I wouldnt go at all.

If you want to please partner stay in hotel good compromise and u can get a breather

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 12:09

Sushi I think by MILs silence as to where we are staying, a precent has already been set. I think this is the third time we have had to fork out at least £80 to stay in a hotel and have breakfast.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 12:18

Now how do I politely but not subtly tell MIL we have booked a room and would they like to contribute lol

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girlywhirly · 23/11/2015 12:23

I remember the thread. Is this the last Christmas that SIL might be able to come to her parents? If it is I think you are right to go and also stay in a hotel.

It obviously hit home to the ILS when you unfollowed them and blocked them from your FB, and DH had a word about their behaviour. I hope they continue with their civilised and pleasant dealings with you, but at least if it all goes pear-shaped you can go back to the hotel. Or even go back before it goes pear-shaped and do your own thing.

petalsandstars · 23/11/2015 12:25

Sorry MIL with the cost of a hotel we've had to cut back on gifts this year. Hope you enjoy your box of biscuits Grin

girlywhirly · 23/11/2015 12:38

So if you go the week-end before Christmas, that would be bearable, just. Make the visit short, travel up in the morning, see them in the afternoon and exchange presents, make your own arrangements for supper, stay overnight in hotel, drive back next morning. Say sorry couldn't stay longer, need to get back and prepare for visitors (whether you do or not) That way you get the duty visit out of the way and don't have to be there over Christmas itself.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 12:44

Well we're travelling down the Friday night girly Will likely pop in to IL's for half an hour then go to the hotel (or might even just go straight to the hotel) then go over after breakfast and head home around 6pm (or just after dinner) as DS goes at bed at 7. Again, up and over after a leisurely breakfast on the Sunday and then set off for home about 5pm.

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BaronessSamedi · 23/11/2015 13:07

you're very generous being willing to go to a hotel.
i wouldn't have gone full stop.

next year - don't go at all.
you'll have done your bit this year, so next year fairness should dictate that its your turn to choose how you wish to spend your own christmas.

whois · 23/11/2015 13:08

I wouldn't go- I'd do what your originally said you would do, and not go while SIL is there.

^this

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2015 13:14

Clearly you detest your in laws. Why are you subjecting your family to a Christmas you're already aware will be shit?

If your dh wants your family to have a crap time at Christmas then it's him you have an issue with.

As an aside, I would never consider my own hotel bill to be someone else's responsibility. If you have the luxury and privacy of a hotel, of course you pay for it.

girlywhirly · 23/11/2015 13:21

In your shoes I'd only be going straight to hotel on Friday, spend the Saturday as planned, go straight home on the Sunday or stop somewhere else on the way. With any luck next year you can avoid altogether saying that the cost is now prohibitive.

Paintedhandprints · 23/11/2015 13:40

Blimey this sounds grim. Good job it's not for Xmas day itself.
I would tell your dh to go on his own, or with dc, and have a nice relaxing weekend to yourself.
Has Mil actually invited you to stay because she doesn't sound very accommodating?
Why not go the weekend before, on the 11th, to avoid extra cost and sil?

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 13:45

MorrisZapp Have you read the previous thread and know the backstory?
Hardly a luxury when you've no other choice to be able to see them

BaronessSamedi If only - if DH doesnt make the effort to go and see his parents we dont get to see them as they dont travel to us.

Painted She has asked when were going down yep. And unfortunately we can't go the previous weekend as DH works alternate weekends.

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NannyOggsHedgehogs · 23/11/2015 13:46

I have asked DH to speak to his Mum and ask what the arrangements are but also reminded him that the hotel price has now gone up and there are only a few rooms left to which he replied "Just book the hotel"

He's already told you what the plan is. Boom the hotel, it's up to him to tell his mother what his family will be doing - I suggest you keep well out of it!!

BaronessSamedi · 23/11/2015 13:48

why can't ILS travel to you?

otherwise, can DH not go on his own or with DS?

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2015 13:54

You don't have to go. You could say no, we aren't coming as there is no adequate space for us and we can't afford a hotel.

Or do you want to stay in their home with them? Wouldn't that be worse?

I found your op confusing, sorry. Ideally, what do you want the in laws to do?

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 13:56

BaronessSamedi I'm not sure. In the 9 years he has lived up here, it took them 6 to come up for our wedding. His mum has been twice since DS was born and thats it. Who knows the whys and wherefores?

DH could go down on his own but prefers not to as we are a family.

MorrisZapp - to actually accommodate us by thinking of us for a change instead of his sister who frankly, their world revolves around.

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PeaceOfWildThings · 23/11/2015 13:58

One solution I found to this was to book a little low-rent self catering place which targetted travelling salesmen and wasn't set up for holiday lets. Cheap and cheerful, just what we needed.

diddl · 23/11/2015 14:01

"if DH doesnt make the effort to go and see his parents we dont get to see them as they dont travel to us."

If only he could be as unbothered as they are!

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2015 14:02

Well, the only way that might happen is if your dh addresses it with them. Or makes plans for his own family at Christmas that don't force people who don't get on to spend time together.

Does your dh think it's going to be a happy time? Has it been happy on previous visits?

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 14:03

Have booked the hotel now. At least we have a degree of freedom when we visit.

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diddl · 23/11/2015 14:04

"DH could go down on his own but prefers not to as we are a family."

And what about what you prefer?

If he went on his own he could perhaps manage the sofa for a couple of nights & safe you money.

Or else have the other room for a couple of nights!

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/11/2015 14:12

diddl I would prefer that his parents actually considered us for once tbh. They jet off to see his sister for weeks on end, sometimes with 2 flights or a 12 hour bus ride but to come 3 hours up the road for us?

I do genuinely like them, but then also don't like the way they treat my husband as second best to his sister. But that's my own grudge to bear.

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OnlyLovers · 23/11/2015 14:16

But that's my own grudge to bear.

Well, not really, as it obviously impacts on you.

Ultimatum time. They travel to you sometimes, or they see you less. Simple.