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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DLA should be spent on the child only?

100 replies

hotlinesling · 23/11/2015 09:55

My 4 yo receives DLA and because it was backdated to when I applied I received £350 on Friday. I was planning to use it to buy her some things to make her a sensory area in her room. DH also got paid on Friday and usually transfers £350 'housekeeping' money to me as I'm a SAHM. However, he didn't transfer it and hasn't done so this morning either. I just got to the supermarket and called to ask why and he said I don't need it since I receive DLA now AIBU to think DLA is not for food or bills, but is for costs related to the person it's claimed for?

OP posts:

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 23/11/2015 11:15

Your husband is a selfish ass. Dla is to cover the additional living costs associated with a disability. In Practice what each child and family needs to spend it on can vary wildly.

We use our child's Dla mobility allowance to pay for a motability car. The care component of his Dla is used to cover the costs of petrol, his special diet, to replace stuff that is constantly broken, to buy specialist equipment and toys and anything that is left (nothing or very little) is used to support the costs of me being available for him 24-7 as the carers allowance doesn't come close to making up for my loss of income and we have extra bills due to disabled DC ending the heating on extra and creating heaps of washing due to his disability.

Tell your DH that he needs to buy the £350 worth of sensory equipment as that is what you were going to use the Dla for.

ThirdThoughts · 23/11/2015 11:15

He is not to steal from your DD. This is appalling.

You can't live like this, subsisting on the crumbs he deems you may have, please call women's aid about financial abuse.

www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 23/11/2015 11:16

He's sponging off his own child

I hope you're okay.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 23/11/2015 11:19

YWNBU to give him dog food for dinner. What a nasty, selfish cock.

Keeptrudging · 23/11/2015 11:19

Awful . DLA is supposed to be used for increased costs associated with having a child with a disability, and for extra equipment etc that will help your child have a better quality of life. Making a sensory area is a great (and legitimate) use. It's supposed to be additional income, not so your D (for dickhead)H can increase his own income. How exactly does he improve you and your child's life?

notenoughbottle · 23/11/2015 11:20

You're dd's DLA means you are no better off thanks to her idiot of a father! It is to help make your lives easier not to benefit him personally! What a selfish man.

Francoitalialan · 23/11/2015 11:26

I'm gasping at this. Please OP, update us on how this bastard can justify it?

Your child gets awarded DLA, but doesn't see any of it and your husband gets a de facto pay rise??? What the fuck?

And be ready for him to negotiate with you about how much he controls, or splits with you. What a cunt.

OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow · 23/11/2015 11:28

Your DH is effectively stealing his daughter's money. Nice guy.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 23/11/2015 11:30

He sounds like a cunt, I'd be getting food you and DD and he can get eat his own shit.

catsmother · 23/11/2015 11:32

Excuse my language but your 'D' (??) sounds like an irresponsible, heartless, selfish bastard of the highest order.

Any decent parent would immediately put the DLA money to good use so their child benefitted ... they bloody well wouldn't see it as an opportunity to profit themselves, as if he's got a £350pm 'payrise'.

This is absolutely appalling behaviour and I can only echo other posters who've recommended you seek advice regarding financial abuse. I don't know your backstory, but it seems there is one, and that, added to this issue (which would be disgusting enough on its own) really doesn't sound remotely healthy at all.

Please OP, arm yourself with as much information as you can with a view to changing your life. You owe it to your child to give her the best quality of life possible - which doesn't sound likely if you stay with someone like this.

WoodleyPixie · 23/11/2015 11:36

in my parents case, they used my sisters dla to cover additional household expenses such a smy mum only being able to work part time once my sister was at school, as there was no childcare that would meet her from the bus of her special school or look after a child with additional needs and at the time they needed the money of two full time workers. There was also enough to cover anything that my sister needed additionally. Her therapies were covered by the NHS so weren't needed for that and she didn't regularly require additional epquipment etc.

so to some extent I can see you dh's point that if the money isn't required continuously for her needs then some could be used for general day to day expenses. But as she does require some equipment at the moment then the money should be used for that and not as part of the household budget. If he was a reasonable man then I would expect there to be some kind of conversation about how much was needed each month for expenses and how much saved, how much to the household pot etc.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 23/11/2015 11:38

Does he realise you wont be getting that amount of money every month?

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 23/11/2015 12:08

He is behaving appallingly. Why should this be a windfall for him? Sensory area for her room sounds lovely.

I have read your other threads and think this bastard is not going to change.

encanpie · 23/11/2015 12:16

We don't ringfence our DLA, it just goes in the pot when it comes in along with other income, and we pay for what we want/need out of that. So we can't really say our DLA is just spent on DS, but then again DH's wages (sole breadwinner) aren't ringfenced in any way either.

If we did the sums we probably spend far more than DLA on DS's care/mobility needs, but it's too complicated to try to restrict our care spending to just DLA or to keep the DLA separate if we have bills due to go out. But DH doesn't see his wages as something for him to keep to himself, and that would seem to be the main problem here.

LagunaBubbles · 23/11/2015 12:22

Is there a link to OPs other threads, would be interested to read more? I did an advance search and only came up with a few, including one where h e says I love you too much?

Mypubesarestraight · 23/11/2015 12:24

Your dh is an arsehole. Hope you're ok op

hibbleddible · 23/11/2015 12:38

Obviously we haven't heard the full story, but it sounds like there could be financial abuse.

Are you still there op?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/11/2015 12:43

Yes it's meant for the person who the award is for.

For some households it will be set aside and spent purely on that person, in others it's just added to all other income inc child benefit etc.

Unless there's a huge backstory maybe he feels you have money now so the whole spouse hold is better off as he shared his so expects the same.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2015 12:50

This is horrendous. I despair sometimes at the way some men treat their SAH partners...

tabulahrasa · 23/11/2015 13:01

"OF COURSE DLA is meant to help the child to live a life that is made easier with whatever help can be achieved financially - it is not there to provide basics of life, such as food and heating etc. "

It is if that's what would help the child most. If there's enough income to have DLA specifically for things over and above that for the child, then yes of course that's what it is for, but some parents don't have the luxury of being able to keep it for things over and above necessities...having a child with a disability often impacts on income because the main carer is unable to work.

But that's not what's happening here.

AyeAmarok · 23/11/2015 13:02

He's horrible. DLA is there to improve your DD's life, not so the state can pick up your family's normal living costs so your DH can spend the money on unnecessaries for himself. You are 100% right, OP.

He sounds horrible. Really horrible. Haven't seen any previous threads but I'm getting from others this is something of a pattern of abusive behaviour?

Arfarfanarf summed it up perfectly, think:

It is for the additional costs associated with the person's disability.

Your daughter would need to eat whether she had a disability or not. So dla is not for that. (if she needed a special diet it may be for that) You would need to pay the gas bill regardless, so it's not for that. (if there were higher bills due to her needs it would be for that) If you need transport to hospital appointments, it covers that. If there is equipment to buy, it's for that. It's not for making your husband £350 a month better off at your daughter's expense.

AndNowItsSeven · 23/11/2015 13:07

No aye like pp said it can be for regular food and the gas bill if the carer cannot work. This would be particularly relevant in a single parent family.

Flashbangandgone · 23/11/2015 13:15

So he believes he should get to keep the DLA money to spend as he alone sees fit? I can't believe what I'm reading! In answer to your query, no, I don't believe you need literally need to account for every penny of DLA to ensure it is spent directly on expenditure relating to your DD's disability, BUT, it DEFINITELY should not be treated by your DH as a windfall for him... what a complete and utter twat!

Having a partner who controls money in this way is tantamount to abuse, financial abuse, and is inexcusable.

Sirzy · 23/11/2015 13:16

A lot of ds dla money goes on household things, I can only work part time (and even that I am unsure how sustainable that is long term). Money is also used to help with the extra costs from him.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 23/11/2015 13:19

I think him holding all the purse strings is u in itself. If my dh was a sahd I wouldn't try to control him by giving him only a fixed amount.

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