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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DLA should be spent on the child only?

100 replies

hotlinesling · 23/11/2015 09:55

My 4 yo receives DLA and because it was backdated to when I applied I received £350 on Friday. I was planning to use it to buy her some things to make her a sensory area in her room. DH also got paid on Friday and usually transfers £350 'housekeeping' money to me as I'm a SAHM. However, he didn't transfer it and hasn't done so this morning either. I just got to the supermarket and called to ask why and he said I don't need it since I receive DLA now Shock AIBU to think DLA is not for food or bills, but is for costs related to the person it's claimed for?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 23/11/2015 10:22

your dh is a dick.

that money is for making your child's life easier. could be food could be heating could be toys games etc but it's as well as not instead of any other money coming into an account.

I can't imagine with a disabled child 350 cones close to maintaining or providing all adjustments and extras without it having to be used unnecessarily for basic house keeping.

AliceInUnderpants · 23/11/2015 10:23

Oh, your DH is the one who doesn't bother with his other child, isn't he?

Get out. Keep the money for your child/family. He isn't going to support you.

TrashPanda · 23/11/2015 10:24

I remember one of your other threads and this one confirms again that your DP is an utterly selfish dick. He has no regard for you and your/his children as people, he sees you as possesions.

SteamPunkGoth · 23/11/2015 10:26

What the fuck? He's a knob isn't he. Doesn't he understand what DLA is?
What a cock.

StarfrightMcFangsie · 23/11/2015 10:26

YOU don't receive DLA. Your child does.

However ours pays council tax in a LA that we would not be able to afford to live in, but who is one of the few that would pay ds' specialist school fees. So you see it can get complicated.

However I think the problem here is not DLA related but to do with financial abuse.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 23/11/2015 10:31

YANBU! My friend spends her son's DLA on horse riding lessons for him, on days at the Zoo...things he gets joy from and which improve the quality of his life.

That's not to say that some of it isn't spent on family trips...of course it is because it's her son's family.

You MUST sort this out! Tell this man of yours NO!

BishopBrennansArse · 23/11/2015 10:32

YANBU.

But....

As a parent with children who get DLA for various complex needs that sometimes means it has to help meet the cost of additional laundry we need to do, the water, electricity and detergent over and above what we would normally use. It also replaces household items that get broken as a result of their disability. The mobility component often goes towards extra petrol and parking costs for their hospital trips. So not directly on the child but for their benefit.

So a food shop for the whole family? No. To cover the cost of additional or more expensive products needed as a result of disability? Yes.

Smoothyloopy · 23/11/2015 10:32

Basically he is stealing the money from your child. Not reasonable!

TheJoyOfSpecs · 23/11/2015 10:34

My ex stopped paying maintenance because our children get DLA and he said if he paid maintenance too I'd be "rolling in it", so now I have to use the DLA to pay the mortgage.

Your husband sounds like he'd be the same.

willconcern · 23/11/2015 10:36

From your OP, my conclusion is that your H is financially abusive and nasty. This is disgusting behaviour.

KitZacJak · 23/11/2015 10:39

What he is doing isn't acceptable as it seems as if he is personally gaining from your daughter's DLA.

However, if a household is worse off because say you can't work or work less hours due to your child's disability I can see how DLA might need to be spent on everyday expenses like bills and food but this doesn't seem to be the case.

He sounds very mean, surely he would like his daughter to have a nicer lifestyle and your plans for the money sound like they would do that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/11/2015 10:41

I'm going to ask - is your DH your DD's father? Not that it really matters because either way he's being a cock.

OF COURSE DLA is meant to help the child to live a life that is made easier with whatever help can be achieved financially - it is not there to provide basics of life, such as food and heating etc.

So your DH is basically saying that your DD is not deserving or needing of any extra help, that you should use the money for her extra help to attend to her (and your!) basic needs - no. This is not what it's for.

Really really fucking awful behaviour from him. :(

BuggersMuddle · 23/11/2015 10:45

I remember your other threads and am wondering if your financially abusive H has any redeeming features tbh.

What is the princely sum of £350 a month supposed to cover? Is that your spending money too?

This doesn't sound right. I'd be fascinated to know what his take home is as I have a sneaking suspicion (DLA aside) that he has access to a lot more of the family money than you do.

BoffinMum · 23/11/2015 10:45

It's supposed to be spent on additional things non-disabled people don't need, like occasional therapies, higher/additional childcare costs, incontinence aids, special clothes, additional heating, additional water consumption, small gadgets, additional transport costs and so on. It is not so parents can duck out of the responsibility for paying their way for their own children, and indeed their own grocery bill.

JonSnowKnowsNowt · 23/11/2015 10:47

I would be tempted to publicly shame him - tell everyone you/he knows that he is keeping your DD's DLA money for himself (that is effectively what he's doing). At least begin by warning him that's what you're doing.

And long-term I would LTB.

StarfrightMcFangsie · 23/11/2015 10:49

Btw, I'm a SAHM. I pay 1/3 of the bills. Ds works and pays the mortgage and I get 2/3 of what is left over. He then pays 2/3 of the bills. We have separate accounts.

StarfrightMcFangsie · 23/11/2015 10:49

DH works, not ds.

DowntonDiva · 23/11/2015 10:51

Wow just wow!

I hope he's got a bloody good explanation of what he's done with the £350. But unless he's already purchased the new equipment for dd and just forgot to tell you this is completely unacceptable on his part!

YANBU and do let him tell you otherwise!

Francoitalialan · 23/11/2015 10:55

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS HE PLAYING AT???

I would go NUCLEAR. He's a proper arsehole OP. And I'm not generally a LTB'er, but your chap is beating all comers with this stunt.

AndNowItsSeven · 23/11/2015 10:57

Op do you claim tax credits? If so ring them as you will be entitled to a disabled child element. Also as pp says, you can claim carers allowance. Both can be back dated.

MyFriendGoo52 · 23/11/2015 10:58

Leave the bastard.

definitelybutter1 · 23/11/2015 11:00

hugs - I remember your other threads. Please take care of yourself.

Fabellini · 23/11/2015 11:04

If you are awarded carers allowance and more tax credits, for gods sake don't tell your dh, or you're going to be expected to pay him by the time he's finished with you! Angry

Cel982 · 23/11/2015 11:05

It's not ok in a marriage for one partner to control all the money and dole it out to the other one as he they see fit. That's not ok.

NoSquirrels · 23/11/2015 11:09

That's shocking, OP.

Haven't read your threads before, but any good man and decent father would not consider doing this.

Housekeeping is payment for the things the family need to survive - food, heating, housing etc.

DLA is money to pay for the extra costs associated with disability.

He is begin a massively unreasonable arsehole.