To not say goodbye to my dd who is leaving

[onlyoranges]

My dd and her best friend are leaving to travel the world, with no idea of when they will return. We are happy/devastated. she wants us to say goodbye at the airport which my dh feels will be too upsetting for us and her younger siblings (who are very upset she is leaving). I told my eldest Ds who was appaulled we are not going. My difficulty is I am currently in treatment for a disease which appears hell bent on killing me and the airport is so far away we would need to stay over and the knock on effect for my health wouldn't be great. But our dd wants us to go and her friends mum is going. My dh is adamant he wants to say goodbye at home as he will become too upset at the airport (and knowing him he will)! Should I go? Should we all say bye at home? Will my dd feel weird her friends mum is there are none of us are. Am
I being mean? If I wasn't so sick I would go in a heart beat but now I just don't know?? Thoughts please?

I havent read all the posts, just yours OP at the beginning of the thread. If it were me, i would get my dh to go and other siblings. I would say bye at home. That way she has someone at the airport and to no detriment to you.

AIBU here, my Inlaws are coming to stay at Xmas for 4 nights. In my bedroom, we don't have a spare room. Me and DH are expected to sleep in with the baby. They don't even like me and make no effort whatsoever when we stay with them and it's very much their house their rules. But I'm expected to give them a 5* hotel experience. Have I thought of a menu yet? Can I empty some drawers, wardrobe space for them? Etc etc. I suggested they sleep on the blow up mattress in babies room (it's a big double) and we out baby in a travel cot with us. I want our children to run into our room on Xmas morning excited etc etc. MIL and FIL don't even get up until lunchtime and want 3 cooked meals a day. DH view is anything for a peaceful life from them doesn't want to upset ageing parents etc etc. they are fitter than me, I have ME and work FT too with 3 young children. Feeling very cross about it but can't think of a good reason to say to DH that I am so stressed about this its making me ill. I love Christmas and I don't want it to be all about being a holiday for the Inlaws. I think they should be helping me not issuing orders of what meals they expect me to cook! Arghhhhhhhh

OP, you are fine to say your goodbyes to your DD in the privacy of your home. I understood from your second post that she is understanding about this too because of your poor health at the moment (which I do hope improves for you soon, btw).

Some are saying they don't understand the use of the term "devastation" because we have brought up our children to be independent. I understand it very well though. I have a 20 year old DD1 who is a uni student and on a year abroad (in Paris!). I took her to the Eurostar at St Pancras a few weeks ago, helping with her massive cases for as long as I could, and it was emotional for both of us. There was no way of avoiding it. We both managed to control the tears before she had to go through border control and customs alone. There was no holding back after that and I had to sit on a bench for ages because my legs had turned to jelly. I am just glad she didn't see me like that.

Believe me, it truly IS possible to be devastated, happy and extremely proud all at once. I know. I was. It was how I felt. I didn't have the added complication of having any serious illness holding me back.

I am finding that modern communication means such as WhatsApp, Skype, Facebook and Facebook Messenger are great for this sort of situation. We use them a lot with DD1 and I literally cannot imagine how we did without them all those years ago when I was a student, also on a year abroad (back in the 1980s).

Errrm, Stillnotslept?????? Don't get that. Are you on the wrong thread?

My parents didn't see me off when I went but I was super glad they were there when I came home.

Well, its up to you how much you can do, OP but I left the country my parents moved to, to return permanently to our original country in my mid-thirties. None of my family except one sister saw me off. My mother prioritised spending time with a grandchild.

It still hurts.I think she was hurt that I was leaving the country but instead of saying so, she acted out unexpressed feelings.

Yes, I was an adult, but that doesn't mean that I had no family feelings. It gave me an insight into where I came in family priorities, and 20years later still wary about my place. I guess that's partly why I left the other country anyway ...

I can't judge you, if you're mortally ill, but i think your DH is being self centred. he should go, at the very least.

ill or not id say goodbye at home too unless the airport was really close. It doesnt mean u love her less coz ur not at the airport make ur daughter understand that.

Also i wouldnt be going on a world tour if i knew a loved one had a life threatening illness. Holiday yes knowing when id return, your daughter doesnt know date of return,maybe im the only one who thinks this is selfish. But i speak as a daughter who lost her mother to a chronic illness and i was only in scotland. If i had been abroad having fun id never forgive myself especially since i knew her condition.

I pray you are taking it easy and i hope you have many more pain free years ahead of you takecare OP

I don't understand why saying goodbye at airports is such a thing for some people. Why is it more important/ dedicated to wave someone off at the airport rather than the house a few hours before? What magic thing happens at airports? They're awful places to be avoided if possible.
When I went abroad for a few months as a student my parents dropped me off at the airport because it was near them but they just dropped my friend and I and our luggage at the drop off and went home. Hanging about for hours is pointless. If the airport hadn't been handy/ they were working we'd have sorted ourselves out.
It sounds like she wants as much melodrama and inconvenience to other people as possible.

I was going to say what Katarzyna said.

If my mother had a life threatening illness I would not be going round the world indefinitely and certainly not insisting on airport presence. It's not Love Actually.

OP, don't go. If your DD is old enough to travel the world then she's old enough to understand that you conserving your energy in order to continue fighting a life-threatening illness is far more important than her having people to wave her off at the airport. You can have a nice goodbye dinner at home without compromising your health, it really doesn't matter what DD's friends parents are doing. They aren't in your situation.

I also think some of the criticism directed at OP's DH is a bit harsh, calling him a "twat" and "pathetic" for wanting to avoid an emotional, very public goodbye at the airport at such a difficult time. If I was watching my DH go through a serious illness and facing the very real possibility that I might lose him, I would probably be an emotional wreck and I dare say that one of my children flying off to the other side of the world with no idea of when they might return could very well tip me over the edge! Those accusing him of "emotional blackmail" have no real evidence of that. It may be the opposite, that he really wants DD to have a fantastic time on her travels and doesn't want her to see him upset in case it puts a dampener on the whole thing.

Believe me, it truly IS possible to be devastated, happy and extremely proud all at once. I know. I was. It was how I felt. I didn't have the added complication of having any serious illness holding me back.

I completely agree with your post Topseyt I was going to try and say something similar but you've expressed it better than I would have done.

Equally I think it's perfectly possible for the op's daughter to be feeling excited, happy and very apprehensive all at the same time. I went abroad myself at 18 and although I couldn't wait to go, I would not have wanted to make the trip to the airport by myself. Irrational maybe but we're not totally rational beings.

Get your husband to go, op. (Although if you're still counting, I've said that once already.)

I would make sure someone is going to see her off at the airport if possible. As long as your ds is going then that's fine I think.

It sounds like she wants as much melodrama and inconvenience to other people as possible.

From what the op has posted I honestly cannot see where you have got this idea from! All the op has said is that 'she wants us to say goodbye at the airport' and 'She wanted someone there. She has been very kind and understanding about my disease and has never asked me to do anything I couldn't.' which sounds totally reasonable to me.

Floisme, you are right too about the way the DD could be feeling. I know my DD1 has since told me that she felt similar emotions to those you suggest.

Both parents can find this hard, so I would not criticise the OP's DH too much. Sometimes Dads and their DDs have a particular type of bond too. My DH is of the type who keeps his emotions usually in a box and very compartmentalised. He would cope and I was very glad of having him there to drive home that day a couple of years ago when we first dropped her at uni.

Perhaps the DH is already giving himself a talking to about whether he would regret NOT going, but if he really can't do it then perhaps the DS could accompany his sister, assuming he is of the right age to, and I get the impression he is somehow?

OP don't go. She's going round the world yet can't go to the airport on her own?
She sounds very selfish.
My nearest airport is 45 mins away and that would seem to far to expect someone to wave me off. Besides you can't go past security point anyway so what's the point.

Rtft and I was absolutely in the don't go/say goodbye at home/what a fuss until the beginning of p6. Then I remembered something and did a volte face.

I went on a big trip and family came to the bus stop to wave me off - the bus stop in the village! Which took me to the airport bus stop, which took me to the airport. It turned out to be a gruelling journey to the very other end, my destination, and the whole thing was bleak. Heathrow at a cold and deserted 2am anyone?

Admittedly I was on my own - but I could've done with someone at the airport to see me off.

You're ill op, this is going to be a long trip. I can't believe I'm saying this but I think you should go. WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

I think OP posted for personal support, not to have her lovely DD labelled selfish. That seems very insensitive to me.

She has also said her DD is very understanding about her serious illness and doesn't want her to do anything that would make things worse. How is that selfish? Are some not reading that, or deliberately ignoring it?

Her DD is of the right age to go off and explore the world on her own. It isn't selfish. Perhaps OP does not want to hold her back and may have encouraged her to do something. We don't know, but I would have. With today's means of communications it is frequently possible to keep in touch almost daily if required, and I am sure the DD would return if required.

I went off traveling for 18months when I was 21. I live a long way from Heathrow, and it wouldn't even have occurred to me that my mum would come and see me off. She saw me off at the bus station in my home town. That was when my journey started.

Ha, springy - a friend of mine went on a year long trip to Australia in her late teens - when she got back, at around 5am to LHR, she had to wait for the local bus to take her home because her parents wouldn't get up to fetch her. At least mine came to get me when I phoned them from the airport! (Although I would have much preferred to see them waving at me as I came into the Arrivals lounge :(

Yanbu. Even if you weren't ill it sounds OTT to do that.

Gosh I wouldn't go or expect it of you. I left the country at 16 and never had anyone at the airport. Particularly with your illness. NO way.
If DH/DS can make it then they should go if she really wants them to. But really no need for histrionic hanky waving etc. She'll be fine.

I can see 'happy/worried' or 'happy/anxious' but I think you are being a bit precious with the 'happy/evastated' bit.
Is it possible that your DS and maybe your DD too are feeling a bit suffocated and unsupported, respectively, as they move towards independence?

What sort of age gap is there between DS, DD and the younger siblings? Why are they so miserable about this trip? Have you and DH not made attempts to point out the major plusses to a round the world trip, not least the fact that DD has the gumption to give it a go? Have you made arrangements to skype or send postcards home, or little souvenirs? Assuming they are quite young, have you made an effort to get the younger siblings' classes involved in the trip by skyping? I recall one time when the brother of a girl in DD2's class did a stint in Antarctica he would send regular updates, video footage, etc. to his sister's class, and it was great.

In short, I think you and DH need to get on board unequivocably wrt this trip.

Your DH in particular has lost the run of himself. He most definitely should get over himself and go to the airport.

(I have brought children to university destinations that are more then 12 hour drives from home, and waved them off to semesters abroad on different continents, and saw oldest DD off to her first job, in a city it takes about 13 hours to drive to, in a hired car. Yes it is hard knowing I won't see them except perhaps for holidays from age 18 on, but they leave with my love and the knowledge that I share their hopes.)

Regarding the airport goodbyes -- is it possible that DD is staying somewhere close to the airport, perhaps with her bff, the night before they travel, so as not to have a long trip that morning? The airport is a long train journey away from home. Maybe the DD isn't staying at home?