To not say goodbye to my dd who is leaving

[onlyoranges]

My dd and her best friend are leaving to travel the world, with no idea of when they will return. We are happy/devastated. she wants us to say goodbye at the airport which my dh feels will be too upsetting for us and her younger siblings (who are very upset she is leaving). I told my eldest Ds who was appaulled we are not going. My difficulty is I am currently in treatment for a disease which appears hell bent on killing me and the airport is so far away we would need to stay over and the knock on effect for my health wouldn't be great. But our dd wants us to go and her friends mum is going. My dh is adamant he wants to say goodbye at home as he will become too upset at the airport (and knowing him he will)! Should I go? Should we all say bye at home? Will my dd feel weird her friends mum is there are none of us are. Am
I being mean? If I wasn't so sick I would go in a heart beat but now I just don't know?? Thoughts please?

[PoorFannyRobin]

YANBU.

[TurnWifiOn]

I would be honest with your DD and simply say that your poor health dictates that you won't be going to the airport to see her off.

If your DH also wants to say goodbye at home then that's fine. Your DD would be unreasonable to insist on anything else if he has made it clear.

[Leelu6]

YANBU. She is lucky you are supportive of her travels, given you're so ill.

You do not need to go to the airport, a goodbye at home will be fine.

[Kintan]

Just say goodbye at home and ask your DH to go to the airport. If she want someone there and your DH knows how unwell you are, why hasn't he just said that he would see her off?

[ciele]

I travelled in my younger days...I was seen off at our local station and picked up there. I remember being a bit out out but I lived!
Your health is the most important. It doesn't matter where you see her off from.

[kerbs]

Magiccatlitter, other post's by this poster that I have seen, indicate that she is in a pretty bad way.

[diddl]

How is your daughter getting to the airport?

I'm not sure that I would travel to an airport for the sake of a goodbye that could be said elsewhere when a long journey & an overnight stay would be needed tbh.

[magiccatlitter]

OP hasn't mentioned what the illness is but in other posts she mentions being able to work 2 jobs and is planning a holiday.

If I felt well enough to go on a holiday, I imagine I could see my DC off at the airport.

The last time I went home, no one met at the airport or saw me off and it deal feel a bit sad and I'm an old bag.

[Floisme]

I feel as if I'm on a thread in some parallel universe. I'm reading about an op with a life threatening/limiting illness, undergoing gruelling treatment and whose daughter is going to be thousands of miles away for the forseeable future. I see a family trying to hold it together and get on with their lives with this hanging over them.

I cannot believe I'm reading that the mother is being self indulsgent and trying to guilt trip, that the daugter is silly, selfish and melodramatic and that the husband is a pathetic twat.

Whatever the prognosis is, a serious illness makes everyone affected think about their mortality. The most banal events can make you feel vulnerable.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I am surprised at the tone taken to the dd here- how she needs to grow up/she's selfish/she's melodramatic/if she can go round the world then she can do this.

Quite harsh I think.

Yet it's perfectly acceptable the dh doesn't go because of his 'devastation'. How does that work?

[kerbs]

Say goodbye from home, nothing else makes sense.

[HarveySpectersBalls]

Not RTFT

What difference does saying goodbye the day before at home make?
Your DD has made the decision to travel indefinitely, you can't baby her all the way to the departure gate.

[financialwizard]

I think you should say goodbye at home but if DH can muster the courage to take her to the airport he should.

[ipsos]

I think you should say goodbye at home. I've left home oodles of times alone, having gone back for visits. Once the precedent is established of saying goodbye at the door, or the railway station, or the taxi, or whatever then that becomes the normal place for the romantic memory of saying goodbye. There is nothing magic about the airport. If she can travel the world then she can handle an airport. If anything, it is probably easier on her to get it done at home so she can handle the airport without hoards of anxious family members. Don't risk your health.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I should add that bittersweet sadness and anxiety, a few tears combined with smiles on saying farewell, fine, and natural. But 'devastation' goes a bit far. Unless the dd's travelling is really a hook for you and dh to hang your feelings on about what is happening to you? In which case I think it's important to be honest with yourselves and dd. I am sorry you are going through this, btw. It must be horrible

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I think the illness is a separate issue. Haven't RallTFT but has your dd had the seriousness of your condition spelled out to her? Were you both fundamentally in agreement with her decision to go away?

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

Am absolutely with mathanxiety. Feeling 'devastation' as a parent at a child going off travelling is tbh self-indulgent to a high degree. The dd is no doubt picking up on that vibe.

My mother cried her eyes out for half an hour at the bus station when taking me to go away for my year abroad (Germany, not blooming Outer Mongolia) and it made me feel deeply uncomfortable and tbh resentful. In her case it was definitely done to make me feel guilty and unhappy - I'm not accusing you/your dh of that, at all, but I do think positivity in front of the 'child' is the only correct parental response to the 'child' embarking on this kind of adventure, unless you know she's off to join ISIS or a cult or international drugs cartel or something.

I still think you should definitely stay at home and not aggravate your condition. But I am assuming she'll understand that.

[Senpai]

Being an adult doesn't suddenly mean you no longer need parental love and support. But that support doesn't need to be at the airport to be meaningful.

If you can't make it, you can't make it. Don't put your health at risk. Your DD would understand, and she might have been asking knowing there's a good chance you'd say no. We did that with ailing MIL. We knew she couldn't do a lot of things with us, but we felt rude not extending the invitation just in case she could.

Why not make a nice breakfast for everyone to enjoy the final morning together, and say all your good byes there? Or if she leaves too early for that a fun family dinner with a game night or something to spend one last quality time together before she leaves. That would be more meaningful than putting yourself at risk for a rushed goodbye while she quickly runs in to check in and load her bags.

[Italiangreyhound]

If your health will be at risk by going I would not go. But your dh (her dad?) is not being very kind by not going (in my humble opinion). I would say if that is what she wants - in your dh's shoes I would go.

If he really cannot then I think your oldest son (I am assuming he is also an adult), he should go with her.

A family gathering at home for a goodbye with younger sibs is great.

But someone to wave her off at the airport would be lovely.

[DeepBlueLake]

My mum came and waved me off when I went to Canada to study, honestly it was awful and I was only away for 6 months. There were tears as I walked into the departure gate, me walking away from her sight etc. I was in tears, only just managing to keep composed.

When I left for the UK for god knows how long (am still here a decade later) I asked her to drop me at the airport (at the otherside of the city) and leave it at that. So much better, no hysterics other than a couple of tears but I felt a lot more confident in leaving home.

OP, I would tell your DD you can have a good farewell at home.

[mathanxiety]

Regarding the airport goodbyes -- is it possible that DD is staying somewhere close to the airport, perhaps with her bff, the night before they travel, so as not to have a long trip that morning? The airport is a long train journey away from home. Maybe the DD isn't staying at home?

[mathanxiety]

I can see 'happy/worried' or 'happy/anxious' but I think you are being a bit precious with the 'happy/evastated' bit.
Is it possible that your DS and maybe your DD too are feeling a bit suffocated and unsupported, respectively, as they move towards independence?

What sort of age gap is there between DS, DD and the younger siblings? Why are they so miserable about this trip? Have you and DH not made attempts to point out the major plusses to a round the world trip, not least the fact that DD has the gumption to give it a go? Have you made arrangements to skype or send postcards home, or little souvenirs? Assuming they are quite young, have you made an effort to get the younger siblings' classes involved in the trip by skyping? I recall one time when the brother of a girl in DD2's class did a stint in Antarctica he would send regular updates, video footage, etc. to his sister's class, and it was great.

In short, I think you and DH need to get on board unequivocably wrt this trip.

Your DH in particular has lost the run of himself. He most definitely should get over himself and go to the airport.

(I have brought children to university destinations that are more then 12 hour drives from home, and waved them off to semesters abroad on different continents, and saw oldest DD off to her first job, in a city it takes about 13 hours to drive to, in a hired car. Yes it is hard knowing I won't see them except perhaps for holidays from age 18 on, but they leave with my love and the knowledge that I share their hopes.)

[AnnekaRice]

Gosh I wouldn't go or expect it of you. I left the country at 16 and never had anyone at the airport. Particularly with your illness. NO way.
If DH/DS can make it then they should go if she really wants them to. But really no need for histrionic hanky waving etc. She'll be fine.

[chumbler]

Yanbu. Even if you weren't ill it sounds OTT to do that.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Ha, springy - a friend of mine went on a year long trip to Australia in her late teens - when she got back, at around 5am to LHR, she had to wait for the local bus to take her home because her parents wouldn't get up to fetch her. At least mine came to get me when I phoned them from the airport! (Although I would have much preferred to see them waving at me as I came into the Arrivals lounge :(