to be miffed about this?

[NewnameforSunday]

Goddaughter S remarried several years ago. She has 2 DCs from her first marriage and 1 DC from her second. Her DH has 1 DC the same age as S's oldest. They live some distance away and I only see her and the DCs when she visits her parents. I've only met her DH and his DC a handful of times over six years.

I've never bought presents for her DSC and neither have her DH's extended family and friends bought presents for her DC from her first marriage. The grandparents on both sides do - they know all the DCs well and see all of them a lot.

Her older DCs are of an age when they want to choose their presents so I send S an amazon voucher to be split 3 ways. She buys a present and wraps it from us for her youngest. The older DCs always let me know what they've bought and she tells me what she's bought for her youngest. I sent a voucher last week.

This year she's told me that she and her DH will be splitting the voucher 4 ways to include DSC because her DH's extended family (religious) have agreed that Christmas has got out of hand and all will be making "substantial" charity donations from now on with a token present for DCs. This agreement does not include the grandparents who will be as generous as they always are.

I'm not really happy about this because the older DCs know exactly how much I send and may well think I'm being a bit mean this year. And I think she should have asked first.

Bit of a back story, her DH has a habit of being a bit mean to S's DCs and obviously favours his DC in all ways to the point that she has threatened to leave him. So I don't think it was her decision to split the money.

Reading back, I probably am being U and a bit petty. But I like to choose who I buy presents for.

not "sewarage" presents. I meant separate!

sewerage presents

Think they'd rather she didn't tbh!

I never see DSC, Total. And an extra £50 seems a lot to send to a DC who wouldn't know me if he bumped into me.

I started to send that much to the others to try to make up the existing shortfall between DH's DCs and the other DCs.

I guess I may be being U but the older DCs already feel a bit second class.

Just buy an actual gift each and send it. You can't dictate what people do with a gift but you can chose what you gift them.

I would be pissed off too if it helps but only I could control what I chose to do in future.

Myself and DH have 5DC,he helped make just our youngest.But we are one family as far as all 5DC are concerned is they're Dad and that's how DH and myself feel as well.

He would go mad if his family treated our 4 oldest DC differently.

Honestly I think it's disgusting to buy one and not the other I really do.I've never done that and I never would.

One of my nephews had a son with his partner,they split up and my niece(we still call her our niece and she still calls us auntie and uncle)has gone onto have 2 more DC,we buy for all 3 of the children and we spend the same on all of them.

YABU and so are his family as well.No matter what he's like or what you think of him that is not the children's fault!

It's upto your Goddaughter to stand up to him and tell him that he either stops being a dick to the children or he can fuck off!

It's slightly different but I am a foster carer and never know how many children we will have with us over Christmas. Pre Christmas is a time when children going into care is common. In my case anyone who buys a present for my own children will also buy for any foster child too (even though they usually have not met them). Others buy something that all children can share, although I realise OP that you would not wish that to happen. It's nothing I have ever insisted upon, it's just what everyone has always done - feeling that, especially at Christmas, it does not feel right to exclude ANY child. I obviously treat the foster children in the same way too. I have not yet come across anyone who does not include any foster children at Christmas. Not sure what I would do if someone did exclude one child, because it has never occurred.

It's slightly different but I am a foster carer and never know how many children we will have with us over Christmas. Pre Christmas is a time when children going into care is common. In my case anyone who buys a present for my own children will also buy for any foster child too (even though they usually have not met them). Others buy something that all children can share, although I realise OP that you would not wish that to happen. It's nothing I have ever insisted upon, it's just what everyone has always done - feeling that, especially at Christmas, it does not feel right to exclude ANY child. I obviously treat the foster children in the same way too. I have not yet come across anyone who does not include any foster children at Christmas. Not sure what I would do if someone did exclude one child, because it has never occurred.

Sorry, posted twice for some reason.

*I started to send that much to the others to try to make up the existing shortfall between DH's DCs and the other DCs.

I guess I may be being U but the older DCs already feel a bit second class.*

I do understand what you mean, OP, despite my posts above. As any foster children we may have staying with us over Christmas generally have presents from their own families, as well as from mine, and so my own children often have less that them. But I can only be fair within the household and treat everyone the same.

You feel the way you feel so it doesn't really matter what anyone here thinks. I assume the older children have their own email accounts so why not send them the Amazon gift voucher directly and then send a gift to the younger child? It's very rude of her to just tell you what they intend to do. She should have asked you if you would mind the gift voucher being split 4 ways. Just tell her that you aren't happy with the arrangement.

Sorry, I missed that they don't have Amazon accounts. Have you already sent the voucher? Will you see them before Christmas? You could just give the older kids cash in an envelope. But really you need to tell their mum that this isn't ok.

Can you buy physical vouchers instead? I would not be happy with this at all. The DH sounds like an arse (at best) and this is not his decision. I would definitely not send that Amazon voucher.

Would it be possible for you to spend the money on the children when you see them in person? Like in cinema visits, lunch out, etc?

I think you can buy Amazon vouchers and print them off, but it won't work if the children don't have accounts of their own.

Maybe you could put money into a bank account for them, and send each child a print out of a bank balance or something, so they know it's there waiting for them?

How old are the children? I imagine the two older ones are close to the age where they get their own email for school anyway.

The older ones are 10 and 8. I am going to tell DGD that I'm not happy at money being taken from the DCs for SDC. I don't think it will make a difference but I need her to know how I feel about it.

I will be seeing them before Christmas and I'm going to think of a way to make up the money they should have had - maybe give them cash in a card when I see them or an extra present. Next year I'm going to go back to buying actual presents.

Yeah, that is about the only thing you can do. What a shame.

I honestly thought I had read the thread, seriously sleep deprived here, I'm very sorry.

I still don't think you should buy for only 3 children in a 4 child family though. I wonder what on earth is going through the father's head?! Sounds rather complicated. I think I'd have just ignored what I was told and bought for all 4 from the start.