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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be miffed about this?

68 replies

NewnameforSunday · 22/11/2015 09:03

Goddaughter S remarried several years ago. She has 2 DCs from her first marriage and 1 DC from her second. Her DH has 1 DC the same age as S's oldest. They live some distance away and I only see her and the DCs when she visits her parents. I've only met her DH and his DC a handful of times over six years.

I've never bought presents for her DSC and neither have her DH's extended family and friends bought presents for her DC from her first marriage. The grandparents on both sides do - they know all the DCs well and see all of them a lot.

Her older DCs are of an age when they want to choose their presents so I send S an amazon voucher to be split 3 ways. She buys a present and wraps it from us for her youngest. The older DCs always let me know what they've bought and she tells me what she's bought for her youngest. I sent a voucher last week.

This year she's told me that she and her DH will be splitting the voucher 4 ways to include DSC because her DH's extended family (religious) have agreed that Christmas has got out of hand and all will be making "substantial" charity donations from now on with a token present for DCs. This agreement does not include the grandparents who will be as generous as they always are.

I'm not really happy about this because the older DCs know exactly how much I send and may well think I'm being a bit mean this year. And I think she should have asked first.

Bit of a back story, her DH has a habit of being a bit mean to S's DCs and obviously favours his DC in all ways to the point that she has threatened to leave him. So I don't think it was her decision to split the money.

Reading back, I probably am being U and a bit petty. But I like to choose who I buy presents for.

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 22/11/2015 10:33

It's not ok OP. It's cheeky and rude.

Pseudo341 · 22/11/2015 10:43

How can you buy presents for three of the children in the family but not the fourth? Seriously, what is going through your head? Has it occurred to you what is going through that poor child's head? You're being cruel.

DoreenLethal · 22/11/2015 10:45

How can you buy presents for three of the children in the family but not the fourth?

How can you not read the words and interpret them properly?

SaucyJack · 22/11/2015 10:48

So what's the problem then honestly if you were quite happy to buy for the step-son anyway?

Let it go, and just be pleased it's not you that has to live with the pillock.

Original poster
NewnameforSunday · 22/11/2015 10:49

FFS, pseudo, read the thread. I was told not to buy for DSC by his father.

OP posts:
Ratarse · 22/11/2015 10:55

I'm afraid I'm with the majority here. You have done a little bit of presuming in your posts as well, you state your gd has told you this, then later her husband has told her to tell you. You also presume his child doesn't expect anything. Let me tell you as a child growing up with a HALF brother, I was ashamed from an early age when my dad rocked up with presents for me. My dad said he looked back once and saw my younger brother stood at the front door staring after us, ever since that he included my brother in all present buying, he was born way after him and my mum split up too!

I get that you are following instructions from her husband, but if you're not happy then have a rethink on the gifts. Can you get them all pyjamas or something, a gift that will be used? From your post I do think YABU, however I get where you are coming from.

Hygge · 22/11/2015 10:56

So there has been an arrangement for many years that you only buy for the three children that belong to her, but not her step-child.

And his family only buy for the two children that belong to him, but not his two step-children.

And both his and her parents buy for all four children regardless, as they know them and have a grandparent/grandchild relationship with them all.

And this has been the arrangement that they asked for from both families, as not everybody knows all of the children, or don't know them all that well.

But now his family have decided not to buy any presents for any of the children and donate to charity instead.

And your usual gift has now been accepted but changed, because they want you to make up the shortfall of gifts to his son?

No you are not being unreasonable. They have changed a longstanding arrangement with no notice or warning.

I don't like the sound of your god-daughter's husband though. You say he obviously favours his own children at the expense of his step-children, and this is just one more example of that to me.

Rather than speak to his parents, or make up the lack of gifts from them himself, he's taking something away from his step-children to favour his own child.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/11/2015 10:58

Leaving kids out, the true meaning of Christmas. Just buy for them all.

Seeyounearertime · 22/11/2015 10:58

Why would you follow instruction from a man you admit you dislike and not buynfor a child when you've said you'd happily would have bought for?

If it were me if ignore the DH, who doesn't play fair, and ignore his family, who don't play fair, and I'd include all the children.

But yes, they should have told you before they did it.

Oakmaiden · 22/11/2015 11:00

On the other hand, if his family are no longer sending gifts but her family are, that means her children are going to be sat with a pile of gifts to open, and his child will be sat watching with nothing. In that circumstance I would WANT to change the arrangement to include a present for all of them.

Jux · 22/11/2015 11:01

It's not OK to take part of a gift for someone and give it to someone else.

Are her children getting token gifts from his family? If not, you can tell her that the original agreement still stands with a clearer conscience.

wowfudge · 22/11/2015 11:01

I wonder if the DH has now realised that this weird arrangement was making one child feel left out and that's why there's been a change of heart. I don't think I could have left one child out though - whatever the parents said it's just odd and not very nice to not treat everyone as an equal member of the family.

Jux · 22/11/2015 11:02

OTOH, you could be the better person, set a good example to the children, by giving to all 4 without hesitation.

Jux · 22/11/2015 11:04

I don't think one child was left out, though. It's just that somechildren got presents from some people and others got presents from other people. My godparents didn't give my brothers presents, but their godparents didn't give me presents.

What about friends etc? Friends of one child have to give presents to all children? No. You have to grow up understanding that sort of thing.

clam · 22/11/2015 11:13

Ditch the Amazon idea (useful though it is) and buy specific presents for the named children.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 22/11/2015 11:13

Exactly Jux
My auntie and uncle buy presents for my children but not for my DSC.
My DSC has relatives on his mum's side who buy presents for him.

They have different families. This sort of thing happens.

Original poster
NewnameforSunday · 22/11/2015 11:14

His extended family have never bought for my GD's DCs from her first marriage. This year they are only buying token presents for DSC and the youngest DC, who are both related to them and still nothing for the others.

Until this year DSC and the little one had piles of presents much bigger than the other two because DH comes from a big family. I was a bit over generous to try to make up the shortfall in a small way.

The main thing that I'm miffed about it that the decision has been made as to what to do with my money without consulting me. It feels like the DCs are being stolen from. I'm finding it hard to get past that.

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 22/11/2015 11:17

OP, could you buy your GD's children an extra present, as the money has been taken from them?

Bakeoffcake · 22/11/2015 11:18

Putting who you buy for aside for a moment, you can solve this problem very simply.

Buy each child a present so the poor mum doesn't have to do it, as I'm sure she has enough to do every christmas

AssembleTheMinions · 22/11/2015 11:19

Let me try and understand,

Her Dh's family do not buy her older children a gift
You do not buy his dc a gift,

So far all equal.

His parents decide to give charity gifts instead this year, hence his dc will have fewer presents.

He wants your friend to spit the usual gift from you 4 ways instead 3 so his dc has more gifts.

His family still aren't including her older children.

Am I right so far?

If so, yes I would be a bit annoyed.

AssembleTheMinions · 22/11/2015 11:21

Ahh, xpost due to v slow typing.

Yanbu

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 11:21

I think leaving DSC out is horrible!

Original poster
NewnameforSunday · 22/11/2015 11:23

That's it exactly, Assemble.

Bake off. The "poor Mum" asked me to start sending amazon money, so the older ones could choose something and so she could choose something for the little one, after I duplicated a present one year.

OP posts:
TotalConfucius · 22/11/2015 11:23

You said that the DSC knows what the arrangement has been so it clearly can be discussed.
You also said that if this arrangement had not been made previously you would have sent a present for DSC each year.
Therefore, I would cut out the DH (you do seem to have a bit of a beef with him anyway) and say to the DSC 'I understand some of your family have changed arrangements this year, therefore I too am changing my arrangements' and present each child with a roughly equal present, even if it's 4 Amazon cards. Who cares if your goddaughter has to get 4 separate cards credited.
Then IN MY MIND I would stick my two fingers up at DH and his family and sit snugly on the moral high ground knowing that no children have been hurt in the making of this drama.

Bakeoffcake · 22/11/2015 11:28

Apologies then newname

If I were you, I'd still send sewerage presents next year so this doesn't happen again.
I have a SIL who is very prescriptive as to what she wants her DC to receive each year. I now ignore her wishes and buy something I know my nephews will enjoy and get fun out of.

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