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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was in the wrong here then?

50 replies

MsRamone · 22/11/2015 09:03

Friday I got home at 8.30pm after a 13 hour shift.
DP had finished at 11.30 after a 4 hour shift.
He made dinner for everyone but did not tidy the kitchen. Personally - I couldn't give a shit if the kitchen is in a mess and I certainly wouldn't have asked him to tidy it but at the same time, after a 13 hour shift I wasn't going to do it either so it got left all night. I'm fine with that.

Saturday we're both off work. It was a day I'd really been looking forward to as it was the day we'd planned to go into town together and buy our wedding rings. We were supposed to be getting up at 9am and getting out of the house for 11ish.

As always, I woke up early, he was still tired so I told him I was getting up and he could stay in bed until 10am and I'd get him up then. So I got up, came on mumnset for a bit, went on facebook, sorted the internet shopping etc - basically just relaxed for a bit on my own after a long day at work the previous day.

He eventually got up at 10:45 and immediately starts moaning and whining that I'd not tidied the kitchen up and could have done that whilst I'd been downstairs. He went on and on for ages, tried to create an argument out of it (remember this is wedding ring day) and basically went in a huff.

If he'd asked me respectfully "can you give us a hand with the kitchen" I would gladly have gone and done it but I won't be dictated to!! I would have done it = but in my own time and my own time was not as soon as I'd got up. To other people it might have been but to me - it wasn't a priority. I never asked HIM to do it either.

So was I being unreasonable or should he realise that he won't order me around and I'll do things as and when I see fit? btw he was still waffling on about it in the car on the way to wedding ring shopping!!!! I was actually quite upset by it all, I'd been looking forward to that trip all week and he just seemed to want to argue.

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 22/11/2015 09:07

TBH I probably would have put the dishes to soak whilst relaxing with a cuppa, but you both sound tired so tensions rise.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/11/2015 09:09

He should have tidied the kitchen.

After a 13 hour shift I'd be pissed off to walk into a kitchen still covered with unwashed pots, pans, plates.

I would have cleaned it the next morning as I wouldn't have left it, I'd have had a good moan to him about it as it would really piss me off.

LIZS · 22/11/2015 09:12

I would , and do , clear it up next day if it had been left. Why are you marrying someone you seem to think is lazy and who assumes you'll do it if he can't be bothered. It won't get better.

rainydaygrey · 22/11/2015 09:15

He is in the wrong, not so much for not tidying the kitchen in the first place but for being cross with you for not doing it while HE was also not doing it IYSWIM. If you have a lie-in you don't get to dictate to others that they should be working while you sleep.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 22/11/2015 09:15

So he finished work at 11.30 am but you worked till 8.30 pm is that right? Well he should def have had time to tidy up after himself. No way should he be in a mood with you.

riverboat1 · 22/11/2015 09:19

I think he's unreasonable to make such a big deal of it, unless he generally feels he does more thsn you around the house and it's not fair?

Either he wanted to pick an argument because he is that type, or he genuinely feels it is unfair.

I think you need to agree some principles about this kind of chore-sharing stuff. Have to say that when I do the cooking I do expect DP to do the clearing up. Just seems like a fair split to me.

DP would be like you and not xare if the kitchen was left a mess for ages. But I care! My standards are pretty low but I do have SOME standards...

LaurieFairyCake · 22/11/2015 09:19

Have you posted about your fiancée before?

It really sounds like you need to think very carefully about marrying him. He seems like he constantly tries to pick fights with you on 'fun' days.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2015 09:26

Obviously there is history with this or you would have just sorted the kitchen when you got up.

Did you buy the rings?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/11/2015 09:58

Do you think it was just a co-incidence that he picked a fight on the day you were buying your wedding rings? Because I don't. It should have been a special day but he decided it was more important to argue about how you should have cleaned up after him despite the fact you worked longer hours the day before and he got a long lie . . .there are so many red flags, it's like bunting.

cdtaylornats · 22/11/2015 09:58

If I cook for everyone then someone else does the dishes. Although I would certainly have done some cleaning up while I made coffee not gone on MN to moan about it.

guajiraguantanamera · 22/11/2015 10:01

Who eventually tidied the kitchen?

BeyondThirty · 22/11/2015 10:08

Agree with laurie, this sounds familiar?

But yes, he should have done it and def shouldnt have complained when you didnt while he was in bed!

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2015 10:12

"Obviously there is history with this or you would have just sorted the kitchen when you got up."

Really? Why didn't he do it after he cooked?

ReginaBlitz · 22/11/2015 10:16

Tbh I would have done it in the morn. I couldn't have sat there knowing it needed doing. It shouldn't have mattered who did it if it needed doing you were up before him with two hours to spare.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 22/11/2015 10:16

Why should she have sorted the kitchen while he lies around?
I really do wonder what century some people on here live in!

nebulae · 22/11/2015 10:16

He should have done it before you got back from work so I think it was wrong of hon to have a pop at you for not doing it the next morning.

Having said that, I could not have left the mess overnight even if I had just done a 12 hour shift. I wouldn't want to come down to that mess in the morning. I would have got stuck in and asked him to help me.

MorrisZapp · 22/11/2015 10:18

Don't get married.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2015 10:18

Not got a clue

He's Lazy perhaps, or felt he had already done his bit by cooking.

We personally wouldn't go to bed with a mess left in kitchen but we are both like minded so it works. Pretty equal in All chores and childcare.

Whatever the issue is OP I'd try to get it sorted prior to wedding ring shopping.

BeyondThirty · 22/11/2015 10:23

Is it just us that always goes to bed with a mess then? Much rather leave it to the next day!

DurhamDurham · 22/11/2015 10:23

I think he is unreasonable for leaving the kitchen a mess, but he knows you don't mind coming home to a mess as you said yourself. I wouldn't want to get up to someone else's mess, that's a depressing way to start the day but I couldn't just sit there knowing the kitchen was a mess. I'd have cleaned up but not been happy about it.
I think you both need to set agreeable tasks for clearing up, sort out who does what and when. At the minute you both seem to want to leave it for the other person, I couldn't live like that. It's causing resentment and this isn't what you want when you're planning a wedding.

clam · 22/11/2015 10:28

"you were up before him with two hours to spare."

They both had two hours to spare. He chose to spend his two hours having a lie in, and she spent hers doing the internet shop (for the family, I presume) and pottering around. Why should that mean she should have done it?

I wonder if all those people posting that it doesn't matter who does it, but that they would have because they can't stand the mess, are the same ones who then come on MN whinging because their OHs do sod all around the house and they've finally had enough. This is how it starts.

lorelei9 · 22/11/2015 10:41

I'm wondering what he was doing all day the previous day so that the place was a mess....he got home 9 hours before you?

YANBU. I think the combo of the place being a mess yesterday and him expecting you to sort it while he was asleep tells you what you need to know about him tbh.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/11/2015 10:49

You're both being unreasonable. He shouldn't have nagged you about tidying up when you were up and he was asleep. But... you "told him he could stay in bed till 10am and that you'd then get him up"...errr, if anyone "told me" as an adult what time I could stay in bed until, I'd be telling them where to go. He can lie in bed as long as he wants. You can get up as early as you want and sit and relax. You both need to stop being so controlling.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2015 10:52

I ignored the 'told him to' getting up bit ....but I found that a bit off to be honest.

SunsetSinger · 22/11/2015 10:53

Well if I cook, I expect DH to clean up and vice versa. Seems fair to me. It's pretty disgusting to wake up to all the dirty smelly stuff in the kitchen and I would be annoyed if DH had left it all there festering or expected me to do it whilst he just lazed around in the morning after I had bothered to do the cooking the night before.

Unless he works fewer hours than you over the whole week I think the differing shifts on the day are a red herring, it's about the division of chores at home. If he does work fewer hours than you over the week then you need to agree with him that he will take over more of the household chores and therefore both cook and clean. Otherwise, I think YABU.