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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who was in the wrong here then?

50 replies

MsRamone · 22/11/2015 09:03

Friday I got home at 8.30pm after a 13 hour shift.
DP had finished at 11.30 after a 4 hour shift.
He made dinner for everyone but did not tidy the kitchen. Personally - I couldn't give a shit if the kitchen is in a mess and I certainly wouldn't have asked him to tidy it but at the same time, after a 13 hour shift I wasn't going to do it either so it got left all night. I'm fine with that.

Saturday we're both off work. It was a day I'd really been looking forward to as it was the day we'd planned to go into town together and buy our wedding rings. We were supposed to be getting up at 9am and getting out of the house for 11ish.

As always, I woke up early, he was still tired so I told him I was getting up and he could stay in bed until 10am and I'd get him up then. So I got up, came on mumnset for a bit, went on facebook, sorted the internet shopping etc - basically just relaxed for a bit on my own after a long day at work the previous day.

He eventually got up at 10:45 and immediately starts moaning and whining that I'd not tidied the kitchen up and could have done that whilst I'd been downstairs. He went on and on for ages, tried to create an argument out of it (remember this is wedding ring day) and basically went in a huff.

If he'd asked me respectfully "can you give us a hand with the kitchen" I would gladly have gone and done it but I won't be dictated to!! I would have done it = but in my own time and my own time was not as soon as I'd got up. To other people it might have been but to me - it wasn't a priority. I never asked HIM to do it either.

So was I being unreasonable or should he realise that he won't order me around and I'll do things as and when I see fit? btw he was still waffling on about it in the car on the way to wedding ring shopping!!!! I was actually quite upset by it all, I'd been looking forward to that trip all week and he just seemed to want to argue.

OP posts:

Dollius01 · 22/11/2015 10:55

I get the impression MsRamone thinks he has deliberately picked an argument to get out of shopping for wedding rings.

If so, there are bigger issues at hand here...

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2015 11:00

I don't understand how you don't do the majority of the clearing up as you go when you're cooking. The kitchen doesn't need to be a complete disaster area afterwards.

clam · 22/11/2015 11:01

Surely the "told him to" part was more "Go ahead, you have a lie in, I don't mind," rather than "you WILL get up when I say." But all bets were off and the good will retracted when he started whingeing about things when he did finally get up.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/11/2015 11:03

I thought the OP 'told' him when he could get up in the context that they already had an arrangement to go shopping about 11am. I didn't see it as being controlling more a 'you can have a lie-in till 10 cos we're going out at 11'.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/11/2015 11:04

X-post clam but yy that's how I read it too.

DiscoDiva70 · 22/11/2015 11:04

I agree there must be bigger issues here. It doesn't matter who is 'in the wrong', what matters is the Op should be re thinking her decision to get married to this man when something so basic as sorting household chores is creating problems.

It doesn't bode well for their future relationship.

ImperialBlether · 22/11/2015 11:04

This is the guy who couldn't be bothered sending you a text when you got a First, isn't he?

OP, do you REALLY want to marry him? He seems to suck the joy out of everything and seems lazy as hell, too.

He was too tired to get up when you'd been working a very long shift and he hadn't?

He couldn't be bothered washing up and expected you to do it after a long shift?

He's always on his computer, too, isn't he?

I think you should have a really good long think about it. Look at some of your friends and colleagues who have lovely husbands. Wouldn't you prefer one of them? It's not too late to pull out.

clam · 22/11/2015 11:07

And, reading the OP again, the "told" bit was actually about her deciding to get up. "I told him I was getting up."

FreezePeach · 22/11/2015 11:07

You need a clear agreement about who does what.
The cook doesn't clear up in this house, ever. We agreed on this and other basics when we first lived together and it has worked for 30 years.

clam · 22/11/2015 11:09

We have a similar rule (dh shops and cooks here) BUT, in this scenario, the long shift/short shift/lie in etc.. alters the status quo, I think.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/11/2015 11:10

Ah, I didn't realise he was the non-texting guy.

OP so many red flags in this relationship. It's time to have a serious think about what you want. Life and relationships don't have to be this dramatic, complicated and joyless. He is not going to improve. Statistically, he is actually likely to get worse if you marry him.

Even if you bought the rings yesterday, you still don't have to marry him. Think about what you'd advise a friend then take that advice and run.

Jux · 22/11/2015 11:12

What else did he do on Friday? He got home at 11.30 havingmworked for 4 hours. Did he fill the time with shopping, hoovering, tidying, before prepping and cooking dinner for everyone?

I don't see why he should have cleaned the kitchen after dinner, and I don't think you had to either.

I suppose a token effort from whoever got up first would have averted the grumps. However, I wonder why a grown adult feels the need to argue about it for quite as long as he did. Think about whether you really want your life dominated by sulks and arguments over petty things.

Does he conjure these annoyances out of thin air whenever there is something you've been looking forward to?

BertrandRussell · 22/11/2015 11:23

I think the cook never cleaning up rule is fine for flatmates. But for people in a relationship you need to have a lot more flexibility. Then it should all be about kindness and consideration. Surely anyone reasonable wouldn't leave the washing up for someone else to do after a 13 hour shift- even if it was their turn?

Fairenuff · 22/11/2015 11:35

Why are you asking who was wrong? Does it matter.

If we all agreed with you that he was wrong, would that make you feel any better about committing yourself to this man for life?

It's how you communicate that matters, not who was right or wrong.

You say he was trying to create an argument. Why would he do that? Why would you even think he would do that?

It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than dishes and that you are not ready for marriage which will bring even more challenges.

ohtheholidays · 22/11/2015 11:41

So he only worked 4 hours(lucky sod)and you worked 13 hours but he couldn't clean the kitchen up after himself and then you got up and left him to have a lie in.

Of course YANBU but he is,you worked 9 hours more than him and then he gets the lay in and gets to moan at you.He could have ruined what was supposed to be a really special day for you both.

If it was me I'd sit down with him,when your both calm and have a serious talk about it all.It's better to sort things like this out before you get married rather than carrying different expectations of each other and your relationship into a new marriage.

LittleBearPad · 22/11/2015 12:38

Lots of confusing things here.

Op you say he cooked for 'everyone' who is everyone. Do you have children?

Did he finish at 11.30am or 11.30pm

Why is he so tired after four hours work he needs a lie in

DiscoDiva70 · 23/11/2015 11:47

Is it me or is it common courtesy to reply to posters when you start your own thread and ask for advice, instead of immediately clearing off?
Imo, it's pure ignorance.

Only1scoop · 23/11/2015 11:55

I'd say it's become the norm.

Lozza1990 · 23/11/2015 12:26

He is being unreasonable. My DP does f*ck all around the house too but if he knows if I am expected to do it he has no right to moan. It's not about who should have tidied the kitchen, it's about his attitude which was completely out of order.

LagunaBubbles · 23/11/2015 12:29

OP where are you?

Jux · 23/11/2015 12:49

DiscoDiva, it is polite but not compulsory. Sometimes you post on a thread and then you just have to shrug.

whois · 23/11/2015 13:06

I think the cook never cleaning up rule is fine for flatmates.

I think it's a terrible rule! There is no incentive for the cook to be clean and tidy as they go along if they aren't going to clean up afterwards.

gamerchick · 23/11/2015 13:18

Exactly what who says. Whoever cooks cleans up afterwards. I wash and tidy as I go, the mr leaves it all till the end. Sod that crap, canny crack

OP do you really want to marry this person, it doesn't sound like a happy relationship?

DiscoDiva70 · 23/11/2015 13:40

I agree it's not compulsory to update Jux, but it's good manners to in my book!
And I want to know if she's been daft enough to pick wedding rings when there's obviously issues in this relationship

Jux · 23/11/2015 15:30

Well, yes...

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