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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the guy I've been on 4 dates with has been a bit inappropriate

65 replies

Icandoanything · 21/11/2015 17:37

I went on 3 dates with this guy back in April/May time but it fizzled out because I didn't think it was going anywhere, we hadn't even kissed by the end of our third date.

I decided to go on another date with him last Saturday as we got back in touch, and I did really enjoy his company. At the end of the date, he pecked me on the lips. Again, quite slow for my liking but he said that as he hadn;t seen me for a few months and didn't want to jump on me.

We've been messaging back and forth and today I dropped into conversation that DS (who is 6) had been sent to his room as he had been rude. He replied that he would apologise now as he is way more lenient as he doesn't have kids and finds them cute as opposed to frustrating when they act like that.

I think that's a bit of a weird response, but am I being overprotective?! We've been on 4 dates, not even kissed properly and he's already talking about meeting my son?!

He also asked on our date if I guy I had been briefly seeing in the summer had met my son and I said, no way, he wouldn't meet anyone I'd only been on 6 dates with!

My gut tells me I feel uncomfortable about this but am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Mandzi34 · 21/11/2015 18:25

I remember talking to a guy online who I'd never met before and mentioning that my daughter had just started walking as I was typing. He said something like 'how cute and I was here to semi witness it'. He stressed that he wanted children at the same time. We've been together for seven years and are a family with our own child and two I had from a previous relationship. Text/emails can be very ambiguous :).

ForChina · 21/11/2015 18:31

Actually I think his reply is really weird! He's not just talking about meeting your son, he's talking about how he will parent your son!!!

Trust your gut.

celtictoast · 21/11/2015 18:33

What ForChina said.

lightupmynight · 21/11/2015 18:33

but why would I have considered this man meeting my son after 4 dates and a not very real kiss?! Surely, if I WAS considering it, I would be a bad mother?!

But he never actually said can I meet your son did he?

I don't even think what he was implied that he wanted to either.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 18:35

I don't think either is weird at all. I don't know what the guy is meant to have said.

ZebraLovesKnitting · 21/11/2015 18:36

I think he really likes you and has thought about how to show you that you having a DC isn't a problem for him, and that's why he's said that. He sounds sweet.

Original poster
Icandoanything · 21/11/2015 18:38

I think what may be bothering me is that It was very specific to me and DS. It wasn't just,I'm lot more lenient around kids cos I don't have them. It was im going to apologise NOW cos I WILL be more lenient with your child

OP posts:
Original poster
Icandoanything · 21/11/2015 18:39

But as someone else said,a lot can get misconstured in messages.
Ahhhh,I'm giving up and becoming a mum!

OP posts:
ZebraLovesKnitting · 21/11/2015 18:43

You're adding your own emphasis though. Try saying the sentence to yourself, changing the words with emphasis.

PegsPigs · 21/11/2015 18:53

I think you're looking for something that's not there. He sounds perfectly normal but I get the impression you're not that into him.

Unreasonablebetty · 21/11/2015 19:10

I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, but the text he sent you is quite sweet.
I think that it shows he could be someone who is quite nice to have around your child if you ever get to that stage.
A lot of men get get to a point where they are very judgemental of children and peoples parenting by their mid 20s- definitely early 30s.

I have 3exes I want to use an example.

1st- was all about judging the way my one year old behaved. All about telling me how he would do it, how to parent. We wouldn't have stayed together because he was a know it all about parenting- he went on to have a child who is an absolute horror when out so I think he got his own comeuppance there!

2nd was awful, really really awful. I had known him for five years, and when we decided to get together it all happened quite quickly. He already knew DD but when we stayed at his house he couldn't handle having her in his space, he couldn't understand why she kept touching things. Or the tears that erupted when things were taken from her. I had to dump him because I could see it was just never going to work with that attitude.

The 3rd, I will always always think of fondly because he thought my DD was great, he thought she was hilarious, and he really did laugh at the tantrums she would throw, and would say she was cute when I would be wound up at her. He really was great to my DD and very fun to be around. He was a really nice Man.

Honestly his attitude is lovely. Good luck OP.

RollerGirl7 · 21/11/2015 19:16

I mean used to be that annoying friend who went out with friends who had kids and would laugh when they were up to mischief and just generally be too lenient with them and it prob encouraged them to be naughty.

Is that what he meant? That should he meet your kid at some point that he's more of a fun kinda guy to kids than a parent type.

You brought up your kid so unless you wanted him to ignore you completely he had to kinda carry on the conversation on on the same subject.

I think you're overreacting. Texts can be so easily misread

Gruntfuttock · 21/11/2015 19:17

The apologise bit may well have been because he was basically saying that he wouldn't do what you did, which could sound like criticism of your parenting, so he was saying I apologise for not wanting to do what you did. I don't know, it's difficult to explain what I mean, but it was as if you was wary of getting your back up by saying that he'd not punish your DS if he was in your place.

diddl · 21/11/2015 19:20

"He's not just talking about meeting your son, he's talking about how he will parent your son!!! "

I got that from it too.

It's weird to me.

Gruntfuttock · 21/11/2015 19:20

It was as if HE was wary of getting your back up^^ I meant

goddessofsmallthings · 21/11/2015 19:27

Can you clarify whether he said what you've claimed in your OP which is that "he would apologise now as he is way more lenient as he doesn't have kids and finds them cute as opposed to frustrating when they act like that" or did he say what you've subsequently claimed which is "I'm going to apologise NOW cos I WILL be more lenient with your child"?

You say that your earlier dates with him back in April/May fizzled out because you didn't think it was "going anywhere" as you "hadn't even kissed" by the end of your third date, but if he'd jumped on you during one of those occasions would you be complaining that he was too forward and only after one thing?

It sounds as if he's trying to take his cue from you but he'll be doomed to confusion if you're giving out mixed messages. Have you considered kissing him, as in making the first move if you're up for a shag a prolonged snog?

Original poster
Icandoanything · 21/11/2015 19:36

Sorry for the confusion,the message was..
Don't be surprised if I'm way way way more lenient. As I don't have kids of my own, I find it easier to just say, aw, isn't he SO cute? I apologise in advance for that!

I definately wouldn't have been insulted if he had made a move on the first or second date. There didn't seem to be any flirting or tactileness on the third date,hence why neither he nor I followed it up. I have made moves in guys before and tbh,it's never led any where good. I don't mind but it makes me feel if they were really into me,they'd have made a move.

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 21/11/2015 19:38

I think he sounds fine (and I have never sent a child to its room so he would probably be a better match for me than for you!). I would always though want someone who left my children to me and kept well out of dealing with them.

Kacie123 · 21/11/2015 19:44

He might be "apologising in advance" for responding to comments like yours with an "oh, how cute" rather than "what a naughty brat, eh".

Not "apologising" for the way he would discipline in future, if that makes sense?

goddessofsmallthings · 21/11/2015 19:50

I'm with Deo in that I don't believe in punishing children by excluding them..

If you have another date with this guy I would suggest you initiate flirting and being tactile if that's what you're hoping for from him. If he doesn't respond there'll be no point in continuing to see him as anything other than a friendly chap who's not into 'benefits'.

diddl · 21/11/2015 19:51

To me it comes across as an assumption that he's going to be co parenting with you (and differently!)

If he'd said "I think that I'd be more lenient..."-a more general observation iyswim I think it wouldn't sound so odd-to me anyway!

MrsLupo · 21/11/2015 19:53

Not enough info to say much one way or the other about this guy, but I think if your gut's telling you to back off then you should listen to it. Agree that your reasoning for mistrusting him is a bit woolly, but that's because you can't put your finger on what's bothering you. If your antennae are flapping, then my advice is to run in the other direction and never mind what anyone else thinks.

BloodyAnnoyedWithThis · 21/11/2015 19:56

Yeah it sounded like that to me diddl

Kacie123 · 21/11/2015 19:56

Sorry ... But "antennae" and "instincts" can be wrong, they really can be. Why not chat to him about it all? If you can't feel open and discuss things with him even at this early stage, now that's a potential red flag situation.

peggyundercrackers · 21/11/2015 20:30

Speak about overthinking things. I can't believe so many other people seen a weird message in his txt either - your all paranoid and live in some alternate universe. No wonder there are so many single people when you have such a jaded view of other humans.