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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that close friend hasn't sent anything for DS?

60 replies

Zippyette · 19/11/2015 19:13

I had my second baby 7 weeks ago and one of my closest friends didn't send a card or present for him. It's my second child. She did for my first. AIBU to expect her to acknowledge his birth in this way second time round? She's sent me two text messages to see how we're doing. We live 2.5 hours apart and see each other once a year. She doesn't have kids.

OP posts:
Merguez · 19/11/2015 20:04

YABVVU.

SmellyFartado · 19/11/2015 20:14

true that people make more fuss over a first baby. However, it can make you feel that DC2 is not as valued as DC1 if you see what I mean (that's how I felt anyway when the same happened to me).

She has contacted you though OP so don't read too much into it. Just enjoy the new baby snuggles

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/11/2015 20:33

She has acknowledged the arrival by text, expecting something through the post is grabby.

Subsequent babies get less fuss, not just by relatives and friends but by many parents. They get the hand me downs and rarely anything new unless the first of a different sex.

ICantSpellNoffink · 19/11/2015 20:39

A card would have been nice but I really wouldn't expect one. I wouldn't be fussed about a present though. I think you are being a bit Confused to be worrying about this.

Ps congrats on your new baby Thanks Smile

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/11/2015 20:54

Just read that she doesn't have kids. Could the fact that you've just had your second baby have made her envious.

yellowbird11 · 19/11/2015 21:02

You're certainly not being "grabby" to have expected a card or a present. It's the acknowledgment that you've had a baby. Wanting a card and perhaps an inexpensive gift off a friend isn't grabby, it's what friends do. Yanbu, there's still time yet though.

Original poster
Zippyette · 19/11/2015 21:31

Thanks for all your responses. It's fascinating the range of opinions. She isn't envious as she doesn't want kids but does enjoy being 'aunty'. Bearing in mind that she gives my eldest a Xmas and birthday present each year would suggest I'm not being grabby. Perhaps 7 weeks is too early to be worrying... And yes I would have thought it's just what close friends do...but it has also helped me recognise that the text messages she's sent are important too!

OP posts:
Sansoora · 20/11/2015 01:16

Bearing in mind that she gives my eldest a Xmas and birthday present each year would suggest I'm not being grabby.

I think you put too much emphasis on material things in relationship to how your friend acknowledges your children.

Do you generally not have much and getting presents means a lot to you?

Unreasonablebetty · 20/11/2015 01:20

I can see where you are coming from, but it is lovely she keeps checking in on you via text xx

Merguez · 20/11/2015 08:43

I don't think you are being grabby, just very self-centred.

Your friend texted you twice - that's really nice of her. It's your 2nd baby. Whether she has kids or not herself is irrelevant. Other people's worlds do not revolve around you and your children, as you will soon discover.

I have a gazillion photos of my 1st child as a baby. Almost none of my 2nd. It's just not such a big deal. Get over it.

As Sansoora says you are placing way too much emphasis on the material stuff.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 20/11/2015 09:03

I'm rubbish at sending cards etc..I think about and in my fantasy world where I find the perfect card and present and actually send it to the person I want to ... you know that alternate universe where Yoni doesn't have an embarrassing level of various cards in my drawers without destinations .... just know that she cares about you and your babies Wink

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/11/2015 09:27

Yabu. When did having a baby start meaning you should be sent a present and could get annoyed if someone didn't send one.

Honestly!

chumbler · 20/11/2015 09:30

I would feel the same way. Are you seeing her soon though? Maybe she's waiting to give in person, or maybe she's going to send with Xmas card instead? I have combined Xmas and birthday post this year to save money

metellaestinatrio · 20/11/2015 09:45

Oh god, this thread is making me feel guilty as I am the friend in a similar situation (I hope not this one!!)...all I would say OP is that she may well be waiting until she sees you to bring a gift (this is certainly my plan, and I have already bought something for the baby!).

Fratelli · 20/11/2015 09:50

Hmm really? You've got two kids one of them being newborn and you're thinking about a present? She's checked to see how you are which is more meaningful. She may bring something when she sees you. She may not be buying presents for dcs anymore. When a lot of your friends have children it gets ridiculously expensive across the year.

cashewnutty · 20/11/2015 10:14

I consider myself a good friend but i am shit at the whole card/gift thing. It is a bit hit and miss - sometimes i get round to it and sometimes i don't. I wouldn't make gift giving the focus of your relationship - maybe concentrate on the support and love part more?

Noodledoodledoo · 20/11/2015 10:17

I am now feeling bad, a good friend of mine had her second and I didn't get the card in the post quickly, it tied in to me returning to work after mat leave and was one of those jobs I never got round to, but due to my working days getting together is a bit more of a challenge these days but I gave her the present and card when I first met her little one.

I knew I would see her fairly soon, and she didn't seem to mind I had waited. Opps I am a bad friend.

Masterpiece1 · 20/11/2015 10:31

She sounds like a caring friend.

I am surprised you have the time to think otherwise, especially with a new baby!

KeepOnMoving1 · 20/11/2015 10:34

She sounds like a lovely friend and you are just being a bit grabby. Tbh the excitement and fanfare is over after the first baby anyway.

VicWillia · 21/11/2015 19:42

I'm going to say YANBU but that's only because my best friend had her second 5 months ago and I bought presents and a card. Didn't occur to me not to.

Littlef00t · 21/11/2015 20:16

Heck, everyone saying yabu - is it really grabby to expect a card? Present, meh, but a cheap card for having a baby really isn't too much to expect from a good friend is it?

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2015 20:23

Heck, everyone saying yabu - is it really grabby to expect a card? Present, meh, but a cheap card for having a baby really isn't too much to expect from a good friend is it?

^^This

Piratespoo · 21/11/2015 20:31

Can't be much of a best friend if you see each other once a Year? My best friend live the other end of the country and we see each other at least 6 times a year.

confusedandemployed · 21/11/2015 20:33

Seriously?? OP is being grabby cos she expects a card (and heaven forfend) a gift from her close friend? Christ.

Let's turn it on its head: "My close friend has just had her second child but I CBA to even bother sending a card. It's only her second after all. AIBU?"

OP YA So NBU. FFS, I fucking give up with this place.

JumpandScore · 21/11/2015 20:42

I don't know the stats but I think the numbers of cards sent by post has declined significantly even over the last couple of years. It's been declining for ages but I've noticed in the last couple of years that even previously enthusiastic card senders seem to have stopped. If she's been in touch with genuine interest, I think she's done her "bit" as far as sending a card is concerned.

Several people sent gifts for DS1 and nothing for DS2, we didn't need anything for DS2, as we already had it all, but also agree she could be waiting until she sees you rather than posting something.

I don't think you're being grabby because it's not about the actual gift, is it? It's the hurt at DS2 being ignored, but your friend isn't really ignoring you.

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