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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to handle this...

65 replies

Freakingthefeckout · 19/11/2015 13:23

I am very aware of how utterly selfish this is going to sound, and I think it's a direct indicator of how numb I am at the moment.

I have been planning this social event for over three months. Venue is booked, I'm spending the day putting the food together with two friends tomorrow, I have very little money at the moment so decorations and the like were bought on a very thin budget. This event is important to me because over this last year I've barely seen any of my friends and this will give me a chance to reconnect with them.

My ex-employer has texted me this morning to tell me that her elderly father has finally passed on. She wants me to go to them now. I really don't want to.

To explain, their family were in crisis from last December and I more or less dropped my entire life to help them, hence why I have barely seen my friends. I took care of their children day in and out on top of my day job and in a lot of ways went above and beyond what could be expected of me. It had a severe knock-on effect towards my social life, my family life and eventually my mental and physical health. Recently, having left my day job, I was informed by them that I wouldn't be needed as much for the next year and pretty much dismissed.

I am really resentful of being asked to drop everything again. I won't be able to leave my home until late anyway as I live rurally and I need to wait for a lift, said lift won't be here until late tonight. And tomorrow was supposed to be my food prep day, I would be fine with going to sit with the kids for a while but I just know that if they say I can leave by four, I won't be able to leave until six or later. They have done that to me so many times before. Saturday is completly out unless I cancel the event and lose the money I paid for the venue or bring the kids with me, which I've had to do in the past and don't want to do again. Sunday is doable but the fact that I haven't dropped everything will likely mean a load of PA nonsense being thrown at me.

She has a husband, she has friends, she has a brother, it's not like she has nobody or I'd be more understanding. As it is I can't help feeling really angry about this and I hate that I feel this way.

Can anybody tell me how best to handle this?

OP posts:

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 19/11/2015 13:53

Sunday is doable but the fact that I haven't dropped everything will likely mean a load of PA nonsense being thrown at me.

If this is merely an ex-employer and not a friend or family member then why the hell would you care?

And even if it was a friend, it would be a pretty self-centred friend.

KeepOnMoving1 · 19/11/2015 13:54

Op you are creating the problem for yourself and getting worked up about nothing. She has simply asked you, you as an adult get to choose what you want to do.

PrimalLass · 19/11/2015 13:55

They do not treat you well. You have to start saying no. I know that is hard because you love the children though.

expatinscotland · 19/11/2015 13:58

This is an ex employer who treated you like shit. You say, 'That won't be possible. I have plans already.' And then you ignore all PA bullshit OR you get a friend to tell this person that what they are doing is not on and to stop it immediately.

Hygge · 19/11/2015 14:00

This is your ex-employer, who let you go with very little notice after you had gone above and beyond to help her out.

I'm sorry but either she is the most selfishly dense person in the world and just hasn't realised how badly she has used you, you she knows exactly how much she has used you and doesn't care because in her eyes you've got 'mug' stamped on your forehead.

Either way, do not cancel your lovely and long-anticipated plans to go running back to her to let her use you all over again.

She has family, she has friends, she has help.

She also has a plenty of cheek and a using streak a mile wide. She does not care about you. She does not need you. And you certainly don't need her.

You have a big occasion planned and a right to put your own life first. You don't owe your ex-employer any favours.

It will do her good to learn that she can't click her fingers and have you come running, day or night, at her convenience. The only reason she has contacted you is because she's used to treating you this way and getting away with it.

Don't go. Stay home, stick to your plans, enjoy your event.

Send a very simple "I have other arrangements I can't cancel, I'm sure you can find somebody else" and then ignore any other message she sends to you. Or reply with "I've already said no, I can't help, you need to find someone else" on repeat if she keeps bothering you. And maybe a final "I have repeatedly said I can't do it, you need to respect that and stop harassing me now. You will have to ask someone else." Then block her number and enjoy your event. She's not your problem or your responsibility. You don't owe her anything.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/11/2015 14:00

If you feel unable to say no can you ask someone else to do it for you? Get a friend to text back on your phone to say that they will pass the message on to you but you are busy all this weekend and you'll get back to them next week.

It's obviously very difficult for you to say 'no' to this family so until you feel strong enough to do so, I do think it's ok to put someone in the middle of your interactions with them.

Floggingmolly · 19/11/2015 14:01

Are you the ex nanny, op? Has she basically summoned you to resume your duties again, irregardless of whether your life has actually moved on or not in the meantime?

Lynnm63 · 19/11/2015 14:03

Just text back 'sorry for your loss but Im unable to help you at the moment'. You don't say if them dropping you caused you any financial or emotional hardship. I wouldn't expect a really close friend to drop everything to come to me and Ithink you'd need more front than Brighton to expect an ex employee to do so. I would have suggested offering to come after the party on Sunday but as you think they'll be PA Im not sure why you'd want to help anyway.
Don't get drawn into lots of explanations remember no is a complete sentence.

chillycurtains · 19/11/2015 14:14

I'm a bit baffled by this post. Why do you feel the need to say yes to this person and do what they say? I feel like there is something missing from the OP. It just doesn't make sense why you would feel so obliged to especially when they have other people in their life.

Obviously just say no but I don't think you are telling us everything on here.

marmiteandcheeseplease · 19/11/2015 14:15

gosh, you are definitely NOT BU and you don't sound selfish at all. You don't need to explain yourself; just say "I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't help I'm afraid as I have other plans."

If I'm being generous though giving their previous behaviour I'd be inclined not to, I would say they are still shocked with grief, not thinking straight, and haven't really thought about how cheeky their request demand is. But that doesn't mean you have to do what they ask, nor should you feel guilty. As others have said, you really don't owe them anything.

It can be hard not to feel guilty/responsible but just remember, it's not your responsibility. You can still be there for them (if you want to, and feel comfortable doing so), in a "supportive friend" way, if you have that sort of relationship with them, but that is an entirely different matter than what they have asked of you.

eddielizzard · 19/11/2015 14:19

you are already resentful because you've given too much for too little return.

no, they don't get to summon you at a moment's notice and expect you to drop everything.

'so sorry you're having a tough time. i'd love to help you out but unfortunately i'm already committed. all best'

job done. and NO GUILT!

SurlyValentine · 19/11/2015 14:24

I can't understand why you've even gone so far as arranging a lift over to them tonight! Cancel that lift immediately.

You owe this family nothing. You gave above and beyond what anyone outside the family should have during their last crisis, and this is probably why you've been called on now.

Please, for the sake of your own sanity and self-esteem, tell them you are unable to cancel your plans, but you send your condolences.

Original poster

Freakingthefeckout · 19/11/2015 14:32

To field some of the questions, yes I have written about this before. The crisis ran from December of last year to September of this year when I finally told them I wasn't up for another year of double-jobbing. I care very much about the children and for a while I was more or less their foster mother but it became too much for me to handle.

The guilt I feel over denying them help is down to my upbringing, my mother is a narc and I was raised to put everyone else's needs before mine. I have had and am waiting for therapy to get myself out of that mindset but it's still a bit of a struggle.

I just texted her to say I wouldn't be available to help until Sunday and I'm leaving it at that. Thank you all for backing me up, it's difficult to do this when I get stuck in my old thought patterns.

OP posts:

whois · 19/11/2015 14:33

Do NOT feel guilty.

Just say - "sorry, can't, long standing plans. Hop you work something out."

whois · 19/11/2015 14:34

Oh just seen your post OP - WELL DONE!

MiniCooperLover · 19/11/2015 14:35

Say no. You're clearly a kind person but just say no. She's your ex-employer, you talk about them 'allowing you to leave' at a certain time, etc. Remind yourself, she's your EX-employer. Carry on with your plans as normal. Enjoy your party!

MiniCooperLover · 19/11/2015 14:36

Oh brilliant, well done OP !!

Anastasie · 19/11/2015 14:36

Are you afraid you might still need work from them in future and saying no will jeopardise this?

Pico2 · 19/11/2015 14:52

Do they even pay you for being at their beck and call?

RB68 · 19/11/2015 14:54

ermmm so when they were "finished with you" last year did they have any loyalty?

I think sometimes you have to put yourself first - you know how they abuse you you have described it to us - you would be a fool to go - let them sort themselves out.

All you need to say is that you are not available, but could be later (if you want to be) after your event

RB68 · 19/11/2015 14:55

seen your post - good move - stay strong :-)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/11/2015 15:00

fuck them|! I am sorry to use such harsh language when someone is bereaved but HELLO?

they are your ex employers and not your family

or just send sincere condolences and don't even acknowledge the request

this worries me for you OP, why do they have so much power over you, and why does she scare you so much

RattieOfCatan · 19/11/2015 15:13

Say no. Seriously, I'm a nanny too (I assume you are!) and I had this with two families (at the same time). I know how fucking difficult it is to say no but you have to for your own health and sanity! It took me getting really ill in order to get the courage to give notice in both jobs (which is when they both made me redundant funnily enough!)

SurlyValentine · 19/11/2015 15:18

Bloody well done on saying no. I know how difficult it must have been.

Now, carry on with party-planning and I hope you have a fabulous time

Seriouslyffs · 19/11/2015 15:25

Have a fabulous party!

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