Not sure how to handle this...

[Freakingthefeckout]

I am very aware of how utterly selfish this is going to sound, and I think it's a direct indicator of how numb I am at the moment.

I have been planning this social event for over three months. Venue is booked, I'm spending the day putting the food together with two friends tomorrow, I have very little money at the moment so decorations and the like were bought on a very thin budget. This event is important to me because over this last year I've barely seen any of my friends and this will give me a chance to reconnect with them.

My ex-employer has texted me this morning to tell me that her elderly father has finally passed on. She wants me to go to them now. I really don't want to.

To explain, their family were in crisis from last December and I more or less dropped my entire life to help them, hence why I have barely seen my friends. I took care of their children day in and out on top of my day job and in a lot of ways went above and beyond what could be expected of me. It had a severe knock-on effect towards my social life, my family life and eventually my mental and physical health. Recently, having left my day job, I was informed by them that I wouldn't be needed as much for the next year and pretty much dismissed.

I am really resentful of being asked to drop everything again. I won't be able to leave my home until late anyway as I live rurally and I need to wait for a lift, said lift won't be here until late tonight. And tomorrow was supposed to be my food prep day, I would be fine with going to sit with the kids for a while but I just know that if they say I can leave by four, I won't be able to leave until six or later. They have done that to me so many times before. Saturday is completly out unless I cancel the event and lose the money I paid for the venue or bring the kids with me, which I've had to do in the past and don't want to do again. Sunday is doable but the fact that I haven't dropped everything will likely mean a load of PA nonsense being thrown at me.

She has a husband, she has friends, she has a brother, it's not like she has nobody or I'd be more understanding. As it is I can't help feeling really angry about this and I hate that I feel this way.

Can anybody tell me how best to handle this?

[Zucker]

If you, for example, used to work at Tesco and they summoned you to work, for free?, because it suited them you would tell them to eff off, no?

You owe her nothing.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

Great OP, but only go over to help on Sunday if you actually want to. It sounds like this woman has forgotten she no longer pays you. You know why you find it hard to say no and that's more than half the battle!

[Finola1step]

Good move.

[pluck]

Ex-employers! EX!!!

Don't answer to them!

[DoreenLethal]

My ex-employer has texted me this morning to tell me that her elderly father has finally passed on. She wants me to go to them now.

'I am very sorry about your loss but it looks like you texted the wrong person. I am your ex-nanny, not your current. Best wishes OP'

[AnyFucker]

This does not compute

[Narp]

assertively

[Narp]

Hi OP

I would recommend reading a book called A Woman In Your Own Right. It's about assertiveness. I know that what blocks you from being assertive is deeper and needs addressing with psychotherapy, but the book may help in the meantime. I think a lot of it is about behaving assertive and seeing the result of this.

[Namechangenell]

I'm sorry but you're not thinking straight. Why would you even try to find a solution for them? I see you've said no here, but it sounds like you've allowed them to take advantage of you before. Why? Narc mother or not, surely you'd put your own health and well being, and first job, before someone else?! I wish you luck, but please don't be afraid to say no.

[GruntledOne]

Great. If you get any PA stuff about only being available on Sunday, tell them you can't come that day either.

[AyeAmarok]

Wel done OP

I hope you have a lovely event on Saturday.

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

Yay! well done you x

[Lynnm63]

Well done on saying no. Im so proud of you. I forgot to say in my last post YANBU with bells on. You sound like a lovely caring person but as much as you love those kids you cannot run yourself ragged helping their obnoxious parents. I read your previous posts and im so angry on your behalf at how they used your goodwill.
If it was me I'd be totally unavailable. The pair of them are lucky you effectively fostered their kids for the best part of a year with no pay and barely a thank you by the sounds of it. If you hadn't they may have had the kids taken off them. I have twins so I know how much unpaid work you have put in. You are a star and Id have given my right arm for a friend like you.

Have a lovely party Saturday. I will be thinking of you.

[PrimalLass]

Well done

Now have a lovely party and don't think about this again until Sunday (and even then I think you should say no).

[londonrach]

You have plans so tge answer is no. Shes an ex employer not a family member. Is she going to pay you. All sounds very strange. Op dont feel guilty just go ahead with your event and enjoy seeing your friends.

[Seriouslyffs]

Have a fabulous party!

[SurlyValentine]

Bloody well done on saying no. I know how difficult it must have been.

Now, carry on with party-planning and I hope you have a fabulous time

[RattieOfCatan]

Say no. Seriously, I'm a nanny too (I assume you are!) and I had this with two families (at the same time). I know how fucking difficult it is to say no but you have to for your own health and sanity! It took me getting really ill in order to get the courage to give notice in both jobs (which is when they both made me redundant funnily enough!)

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

fuck them|! I am sorry to use such harsh language when someone is bereaved but HELLO?

they are your ex employers and not your family

or just send sincere condolences and don't even acknowledge the request


this worries me for you OP, why do they have so much power over you, and why does she scare you so much

[RB68]

seen your post - good move - stay strong :-)

[RB68]

ermmm so when they were "finished with you" last year did they have any loyalty?

I think sometimes you have to put yourself first - you know how they abuse you you have described it to us - you would be a fool to go - let them sort themselves out.

All you need to say is that you are not available, but could be later (if you want to be) after your event

[Pico2]

Do they even pay you for being at their beck and call?

[Anastasie]

Are you afraid you might still need work from them in future and saying no will jeopardise this?

[MiniCooperLover]

Oh brilliant, well done OP !!

[MiniCooperLover]

Say no. You're clearly a kind person but just say no. She's your ex-employer, you talk about them 'allowing you to leave' at a certain time, etc. Remind yourself, she's your EX-employer. Carry on with your plans as normal. Enjoy your party!