to be upset about my mum going on holiday

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I've name changed for this as don't want it linking to my other threads.

I'm pregnant and have a 3yo DD. My mum supports a lot with my DD in general and with childcare. We see each other 3+ times a week.

DD currently goes to nursery and this will be continuing when I go on maternity leave to keep up her routine etc although will be getting upped with the government funding hours just before I'm due.

My mum has said throughout my pregnancy she would have DD when I'm in labour and at hospital and offered to help out with nursery picks ups/drop offs when I'm on mat leave because I need to get the bus to do them and I was worried about how I'll manage heavily pregnant and because DD arrived 3wks early and I'd spoken to her about how anxious I was that this could happen again.

She told me a few weeks ago that she's now going abroad on holiday the immediate 2 weeks before I'm due. At first I was surprised that she'd chosen this time to go but don't grudge her a holiday and really appreciate everything she does. I did ask why that particular time and she said so she'd be back for the baby coming to help out however she arrives back 2 days before the baby's due date and DD was 3 weeks early.

I thought I was okay about it but now I can't stop worrying and can't sleep for thinking about it. I don't know what DH and I are going to do if I go into labour before she's back. I'm worried I might have to go to hospital myself so he can be with DD.

In the past few weeks I've started worrying about the labour (I'm terrified) but knew at least DD would be looked after and DH would be with me. Now I'm a wreck, can't stop crying and not sleeping panicking about how I'm going to manage the nursery run and what will happen if I go into labour early as with DD.

I just don't understand why she'd decide to go away at this particular time? I've spoken to other family members about helping out but one fell out with me for asking and the others hardly see DD anyway and work full time and I can't guarantee when I'll need them so it's a logistical nightmare.

I know people do this all the time so I'm prepared to be told I'm def BU, a spoiled brat etc. Any advice would be welcome.

This was something I was worried about when DS3 was due. We have no family in the area and (at the time) two year old twins who went to nursery some five miles away from home/hospital.

Oh, and no car!

In the end, I just had to be prepared that I might give birth alone - in the end, I went into labour on the Friday morning, DH took the boys to nursery then got a cab to hospital, DS3 was born about an hour after he got there. I'm not going to lie I was very upset thinking he might miss it but then he pissed me off when he was there.

You can and will do it, assume that DH will either a) take DD to nursery and join you (second labour likely to be a lot quicker); or b) will look after DD at home while you give birth.

You'll be fine, congratulations OP

Iliveatthebeach

^Does she work, and that's the only time she can get off? That's the only reason I can think of, for her to take these specific two weeks!

There are 52 weeks in the year, why on earth pick the two weeks immediately prior to your due date? It's just very very odd!^

Exactly! What you say is a normal, considered response based on the information the OP provided!

Why are so many posters on MN of the school that it's totally normal for the grandmother to take a holiday two weeks before the due date, even though she has promised to help with childcare during labour? And that the OP being disappointed is precious, entitled, selfish? And that her anxiety is a failing and she needs to get a grip?

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation (made more complex by living overseas, so family only around at very specific times!). DH works away a lot and I was potentially facing labour and childcare issues while he was in another country. I needed to feel I had all eventualities covered.

Firstly, you may go early again (or late), in which case it won't be an issue. So the only time you need to plan for is for when your mum is away - so you just need a plan B.

Would you consider changing your DC's routine so she does longer days at nursery? Though if your waters went on the bus, that's okay. No cleaning up and almost certainly plenty of nice folks to hold your hand while you arrange getting to hospital.

Most hospitals are fine with DHs bringing DCs to hospital for a short time while the childcare gets arranged. Who are your daughter's friends? I'm sure most of them would be happy to care for her for a short while. Neighbours are usually willing to help too.

We had a spreadsheet. It helped lots, I was all alone for five days at 38w, and had five people I could call in an emergency; two were fine to come and babysit overnight...DD came at 37w, DS at 36w.

It's an odd time for her to choose, definitely. She clearly didn't think.

I'd suggest you find a babysitter who will do overnight stays (maybe via childcare.co.uk) and have them over a few times before labour so your DD is comfortable with them. That way, you get a few nice evenings out with DH and also a pre-prepared babysitter available for if/when you need them. If you're the anxious type, do this with two sitters so you have 2 fallback options if your mum isn't there.

Because MN can be extremely weird magical. We're all supposed to be amazons who can cope with anything and any disappointment should just wash over us while we cope magnificently with whatever life throws at us.

I was expecting (more) responses like those tbh hence my "spoiled brat" comment in my OP based on previous posts I've read on here over the years in relation to help from parents with DC. That's okay though, I felt like I needed some perspective because I wasn't sure if I was BU.

It doesn't really matter though because it's happening anyway and the advice given has helped me straighten things out in my head.

She does work but it's flexible with holidays, I think it's the fact it was a good deal. My step dad booked it for that date and seemingly thought coming back 2 days before I'm due would be fine because the baby isn't due until after that.. They're not long back from another fortnight's holiday abroad so I'm not sure why it had to be then exactly and not later in the year but it's up to them. Doesn't mean I don't wonder about it though!

Maybe she feels a bit torn between her husband and you. Maybe he makes her feel guilty about prioritising you. Perhaps she feels stuck in the middle.

Indeed juneau!

There's some online parenting forums that are completely indulgent, all huns and babes and where whatever is posted the OP is never wrong. They're sickeningly sycophantic.

Then there's Mumsnet where the OP is dragged over hot coals for the smallest worry or disappointment. Where the wording of the OP is wilfully misinterpreted or disregarded in order to criticise and belittle. Where you have to be tough and independent and, crucially, rely on nobody but yourself!

Surely real life meets somewhere in the middle?

Albert that was my thought tbh. When she told me about her holiday I explained my fears about baby coming early based on DD and she said she'd never thought of that and she'd look into changing it. I spoke to her after that and she said my step dad was angry about that as it would cost more and I'd probably go late and did I not have anyone else who could help. I said that it was fine they were going away although surprised at their timing, didn't guilt trip or anything.

I think she feels torn and I absolutely do not grudge them going away. I just think they never thought the timings through. I won't be mentioning it again although will ask how they want informed in case it happens while they're away as no doubt it'll be put on Facebook by some family members who are very excited about the baby

I'm glad the other posters have helped you with some practical ideas OP.

I just wanted to lend my support, as someone who also suffers from anxiety. You really can't control labour and birth (as you learned with your first surprise early one!) and so I totally get the need to have everything surrounding the labour and birth (such as support and childcare) sorted out beforehand. It helps to reduce some of the stress over such an uncontrollable situation. So I would've been really upset too, if my mum had done this.

I also understand how much the situation with your dad must have upset you. My parents divorced 28 years ago. My father also feels upset about how he has less contact with DD than my mother. I feel like I'm always trying to juggle his feelings. It's a shame your father had to let his bitterness get in the way of an opportunity to help you, and spend time with his GC.

Anyway, I'm sure everything will be fine. I think a doula is a great idea. I'll be hoping for a surprisingly smooth, trouble free labour and birth for you!

Absolutely agree with magical.

I'm normally one of the first to point out where MNers are taking the piss re: expecting free childcare from grandparents, but this is not one of those situations!

Of course OP's mum deserves a holiday, and might want one before the baby comes as she has kindly agreed to help out quite a bit afterwards. However, arranging to come back just a couple of days before OP's EDD, in circumstances where her first DC was 3 weeks early and where there is no-one else to look after DD (bar her DH) should the labour not be entirely during nursery opening hours is not particularly considerate is it?

If I was OP's mum, I would have wanted to be home at least 4 or 5 weeks before the baby is due - in case OP goes into labour early a second time. I can understand why OP is stressed out about this. I had the same scenario in that DS1 arrived at 37 weeks after a long & difficult labour - and DM looked after DS1 while DH was with me at hospital having DS2.

That said, DS1 arrived at exactly 37 weeks & DS2 at 40+1. While some women deliver earlier each time, it doesn't always work like that, so please try not to worry too much.

I also agree that you can do this alone if you need to. A good friend of mine chose to delivery her DC2 & DC3 alone (well, with a midwife) because her DH pissed her off so much during DC1's birth! For me, it wouldn't have been ideal, but it is certainly doable. People also seem to be forgetting that OP's DH might actually want to see his new baby being born. Fathers aren't always present just because the woman needs a hand to hold!

Ah well then it sounds as if the thoughtlessness was on your stepfather's part & perhaps there's nothing to be done re changing dates et.

When my waters broke with my second, I phoned my husband to come back from work & ILs to come & look after PFB.

All an hr away so I popped across to a neighbour to ask if they would step in if I needed to go before then.

But to get back to your stepfather's thoughtlessness-when I phoned my ILs, my MIL answered & was so flustered that she put me on to FIL, who said;" OK, we're on our way, how long will we need to be at yours?"

me-"Er until I've had the baby" him-"Yes, but when will that be"?

me-

Some men are clueless!

"Maybe he makes her feel guilty about prioritising you."

Could be-does it actually impact on him?

My step dad dotes on DD and loves being with her. He's very patient and probably helps as much as my mum, also separately, due to their working shifts.

So I don't think it's anything to do with her prioritising me over him. More maybe to do with them not wanting to prioritse me over what they want on this occasion when they help so much, with thoughtlessness on their party with dates mixed in. If that makes sense.

I think if they actually thought about it they would realise the error they've made but I don't want to go on about it with them, make them feel guilty and risk them not enjoying their holiday because of it. And I definitely don't want them cancelling on my behalf!

Would you consider a doula? They could be at the birth with you. Your DH could stay home with your Dd if needed then. Hopefully it won't come to it but it's an option to help you feel in control again.

Sorry haven't rtft so sorry if it's already been mentioned but do any of the nursery workers do babysitting? It's quite common I've found. Could one of them be on standby? If it's day time dd could be at nursery then brought home by nursery worker.

You won't need to go on about it. Your mum will be feeling guilty during the holiday anyway.

If my husband booked a holiday two weeks before my daughter was due to give birth and after I'd offered to help with childcare I'd be fuming with him. I wouldn't go! In fact if my husband booked a holiday without confirming dates with me full stop I'd be annoyed.

Like others have said, it's not just about the OP needing her husband there to 'hold her hand'. Dads might actually like being there at that amazing time. My husband bonded with all three of ours after their births whilst I was stitched up! They are precious moments.

Out of interest though, what do people do when they have no family or friends to care for their older children during labour? What a difficult position to be in.

It will be fine, nothing awful will happen it may just be a bit hectic. Nursery drops, can you drop DD off and hang around nearby for a coffee instead of stressing about getting there and back? Or get a cab?. Is it also worth checking of one of the nursery staff could help with emergency childcare? Good luck OP

YANBU as your mum had promised to be there for you and also could have talked to you first before she booked a holiday. She has 52 weeks in a year to have a holiday and she has picked the worst two in the year really.

What about seeing if your DD has a special friend at nursery then perhaps she could go there? Regarding getting to nursery don't forget you don't have to take her every day. On days you just can't get up and get her there then just don't. It's completely understandable. Just make sure you take to the nursery first and tell them that you may have a couple of weeks where she will not be in as often. It won't hurt your DD at all.

Just don't do the nursery run until she's back and let DD bond with her new sibling.
Also, get help for your anxiety.

Dont worry too much about when baby arrives- my first came spontaneously at 36 weeks, my second at 41 weeks and im now sat here 37 weeks with DC3 showing no signs of being born any time soon.

OP, it is not ridiculous to worry about the bus journey! And posters who say it is can possibly remind themselves this is an anxious pregnant woman, who's been let down by her mother. I'd keep DD off nursery.

At least DD missing nursery would only be for those 2 weeks and DH will be able to take her to one session a week and he should be able to sort out his shifts for another session. I may be okay to take her anyway but at least there are other options if not.

In terms of going into labour will see who would be willing to be drafted in if need be and that will help put my mind at rest!

OP lots people like to help out when it comes to giving birth. It's super special and you get to hear the news extra fast, see the sibling excited, help a friend.

I would invite your dad for a cuppa/cake but give him a date and time to attend. Build bridges so that there's less emotional stuff to deal with post birth. You could make it a fortnightly thing.

Secondly ask the nursery manager if they have staff who can help during the birth. They could sleep in your lounge if it becomes an over nighter. You could make the hourly pay rate high.

Also ask as many friends and relatives that you can. People who might have even a few hours spare. Write a list complete with phone numbers and ensure your DH has a copy. People can always sleep on your sofa. It's no biggy.