to be upset about my mum going on holiday

[scribblepop]

I've name changed for this as don't want it linking to my other threads.

I'm pregnant and have a 3yo DD. My mum supports a lot with my DD in general and with childcare. We see each other 3+ times a week.

DD currently goes to nursery and this will be continuing when I go on maternity leave to keep up her routine etc although will be getting upped with the government funding hours just before I'm due.

My mum has said throughout my pregnancy she would have DD when I'm in labour and at hospital and offered to help out with nursery picks ups/drop offs when I'm on mat leave because I need to get the bus to do them and I was worried about how I'll manage heavily pregnant and because DD arrived 3wks early and I'd spoken to her about how anxious I was that this could happen again.

She told me a few weeks ago that she's now going abroad on holiday the immediate 2 weeks before I'm due. At first I was surprised that she'd chosen this time to go but don't grudge her a holiday and really appreciate everything she does. I did ask why that particular time and she said so she'd be back for the baby coming to help out however she arrives back 2 days before the baby's due date and DD was 3 weeks early.

I thought I was okay about it but now I can't stop worrying and can't sleep for thinking about it. I don't know what DH and I are going to do if I go into labour before she's back. I'm worried I might have to go to hospital myself so he can be with DD.

In the past few weeks I've started worrying about the labour (I'm terrified) but knew at least DD would be looked after and DH would be with me. Now I'm a wreck, can't stop crying and not sleeping panicking about how I'm going to manage the nursery run and what will happen if I go into labour early as with DD.

I just don't understand why she'd decide to go away at this particular time? I've spoken to other family members about helping out but one fell out with me for asking and the others hardly see DD anyway and work full time and I can't guarantee when I'll need them so it's a logistical nightmare.

I know people do this all the time so I'm prepared to be told I'm def BU, a spoiled brat etc. Any advice would be welcome.

Also, can DD not skip nursery a few times to make it easier on you? You could have some nice girly mornings before the baby comes.

I think you are being unreasonable, and more than a little precious/selfish to boot.

Your mum does ALOT for you from the sounds of things. She is perfectly entitled to take a break. Maybe that was the only time she could fit something in, or there was a good deal on, or whatnot. I find it a bit that you would begrudge her so much, rather than just being an adult about it and sorting out alternative arrangements. Stop depending on her so much. What if she was really sick at the last minute and couldn't help?

IT'S A BUS JOURNEY. I mean, really? You can't handle a bus journey??? I'm honestly not trying to be a total bitch here, but you have to try and understand how ridiculous that sounds from the outside.

For going into labour, it is no doubt annoying that the original plans fell through, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other options. If you aren't comfortable relying on a friend, then speak to people about reputable child minders. Ring a number of them in advance and explain what you are looking for.

Presumably: someone to look after small child when you go into labour, could be any time, is this something they would be okay to cover, if it happened on a day they had outstanding commitments, how would it be handled, etc.

Basically you need to be slightly less hysterical and just get on with sorting something else out!!

Thank you everyone. I can't stop crying over this. I hate how helpless I feel over this.

And yes, my dad's reaction has exacerbated the situation greatly as it was a big fall out when I've asked him for help. I know he hates how involved my mum is but that's his issue not mine but he doesn't see it like that. I don't hold it against him that he can't do as much as her but he takes it personally because it's my mum. I've been stuck in the middle since they divorced (25yrs ago!!) and its still going on. I'm upset he's turned made it about himself when I need him most.

I've been unwell this pregnancy and have been struggling with a stressful job so I'm finishing quite early and was looking forward to that but now I can't sleep worrying about the birth and I've taken time off sick.

Yanbu, if your Mum had notice and was sure of your dates, its seems a bit unfair. However, you probably need to move on from it and think about your back up plans. I work full time, but if a friend needed me when I was in labour I would help. If you ask a few people you can have options. What about dh parents, other relatives?

I don't think YABU, I would also be really upset about that. My first was early and I'm so worried about what will happen with him if this pregnancy goes the same way as my H works away - I need my mum on standby basically and I'm already stressing about what will happen if she can't be.

Try and remember that there's nothing you can do to change it and that you will manage - if your daughter misses a few nursery sessions, it's not the end of the world. Friends will muck in I'm sure, I know you say they all work but I know I'd find a way to help out if you were one of my friends. They can do shifts with DD if need be. It will be ok x

Laid back people like your DH who say "it'll sort it'self out" annoy the fuck out of organising people, because what will happen, is he'll do nothing about sourcing alternative childcare for your DD while you are in labour (the bit in this you really need to sort) if your labour starts 38-40 weeks (highly likely given you had DD at 37 weeks). You'll think and plan, work out who you could ask, sort it all out and then he'll think "see, it did sort itself out" without acknowledging things only sort themselves out if someone else does it. Overnight childcare doesn't magically appear!

Anyway, I'd definately sound out people atyour DD's nursery, explain the situation and see if any of the key workers would be prepared to be on call for those 2 weeks (perhaps having 2 of them doing a week each), to come over, look after DD at your home if it's in the evening/night then take her to nursery the next day.

Is there anyone in your DH's family who could help? Even if they don't live close by, if you had someone else on call from the nursery, they could travel and look after DD while you're in labour. If you don't have space to put them up, would your mum let them stay in her house while she's away?

Your DH might be more inclined to actually organise something rather than say "it'll sort itself out" if you point out if nothing is planned in advance, he'll be missing the birth to look after DC1. You need a plan, not to have him calling round everyone he knows when you are already in labour to ask if they can have DD.

I gave birth to DS2 without DH being there as he was looking after DS1. It was OK. My labour was quite long so DS1 came in with DH for a bit.

You will manage. Are there friends or neighbours who could babysit or possibly one of the nursery workers looking for some extra cash?

With regard to the nursery run I think you will basically have 2 choices. Do it yourself (getting a bus is really not that bad even heavily pregnant - I did a 90 minute commute by train and tube until 6 days before my due date) or keep your DD home from Nursery for that period.

Is there no-one else who could have DD if you happen to go into labour whilst she is away? Friends from NCT maybe, neighbours, family?

I never thought about DD possibly missing nursery. That is an option. I will speak to them about it, they've been really helpful.

I know it seems ridiculous about me worrying over a bus journey but I can't help it. I have sciatica and struggle walking so the walk to the bus stop, in the middle of winter, getting the bus there and back home to do it all again an hour later is making me panic. And the thought of my waters breaking out of the blue, like last time, when I'm doing the nursery run is freaking me out.

goodnessgracious - that's very uncalled for - and I have yet to meet a childminder who works overnight and will ensure they have a place at short notice for a day - if the OP goes into labour and has her baby between 8am - 6pm then she could use her DD's nursery anyway. (CMers in my experience are less likely to do evening work than nursery staff as they usually have DCs of their own so aren't available).

The missing nursery when you are heavily pregnant isn't a problem, but having noone to look after DC1 when you are in labour is. That's the bit that needs sorting.

Ok. I need to get a grip on this now and stop feeling sorry for myself. I've had my moan and weep over it and will need to get a back up plan and some people on standby.

I'm sure I'll have people who can help out it's just the bloody logistics with their shifts etc so will get in touch with them and sound them out. And see when they're available from 37 weeks onwards! I'll be the one that does it instead of DH as it'll be my friends and family but he'll be dealing with contacting them when the time comes!

This seems a very odd time for her to take her holiday?!

Does she work, and that's the only time she can get off? That's the only reason I can think of, for her to take these specific two weeks!

There are 52 weeks in the year, why on earth pick the two weeks immediately prior to your due date? It's just very very odd!

When I had my first baby (ages ago, he's 18 now), my parents booked a holiday to Egypt around my due date. I wasn't relying on them for anything, as they live a few hours away from me, but I still found it really hurtful and strange. I was hoping they'd be hopping in the car to come and see me, the moment he was born, not swanning off on holiday (bearing in mind they only go away every 5 years or so).

If my daughter was due, I wouldn't go away on hols. No chance.

I'd be honest with your Mum. Altho, I guess it's too late for her to cancel now?!

YANBU - your mum is letting you down, having previously said she'd be there for you. I'd be confused and upset if this was me and I think you're perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

As for second labours - please try not to worry too much. I found my first labour hard, long and painful. Labour number two though was easy! It was much quicker and although it was painful at the end it was for such a short period of time that I remember the experience in a very positive way. And that is despite my DH not even being there, because he had to wait at home for my mum to arrive from Norfolk to take care of DS1!

My advice to you OP is to hire a doula who can be with you during your birth and also give you post-partum help and care. That will free up your DH to help out more with your older DC and take that terrible burden of anxiety off your shoulders, should you go into labour while your DM is away. I had a doula for both my births and to help out after DS1 was born and I'm so glad I did. Both women were a godsend - calm, kind, helpful - and really made me feel in control. Your fears seem to be largely due to the unpredictable nature of labour and birth, so hire someone who will be there for you and won't let you down as you mum has done.

I think a lot of this worry is displacement, I think you might be anxious about the actual labour and be projecting that anxiety on to all of this peripheral stuff (sorry if that sounds wanky). Before my first I got an emergency appt with my gp cos I got it into my head that it would be awful to go into labour with and ear infection (I know wtf) and persuaded myself that I had earache. Saw gp - everything was fine.
Maybe you could discuss practicalities with the midwives at your next appt (and your anxiety) they might have some solutions to suggest that you haven't considered after all they deal with this stuff all the time, I bet they frequently speak to mums grappling with logistical issue like yours.
Regarding your mum, I think she wants to be there to help with the new baby as much as possible and I think maybe she recognised that she needs to recharge her batteries before hand so as to be fighting fit so to speak. Let her go, I think she knows she needs to take care of herself before getting stuck into helping.

doula.org.uk/

Can your DH's family help?

A doula is an excellent idea juneau

So it's disappointing but it's all booked and paid for. It was thoughtless but its really not worth falling out over or worse still making yourself ill. It could be much worse, she could be very ill.

You say that your current anxiety is down to feeling like you are not in control so take a deep breath and take steps to regain it, as much as is possible anyway while waiting for the balloon to burst so to speak.

There are a number of scenarios -

You go at 37 weeks again, your mum is still around and barring serious medical issues you will be out before she goes on holiday leaving you and DH a lovely chilled paternity leave period. So no issue.

You wind yourself into a knot of anxiety and make yourself really ill and get hospitalised for bed rest. Your mum cancels her holiday or your Dad steps up and gets to be the glory boy. You have a miserable few weeks before giving birth.

You go into labour while your mum is away.

You go overdue and again problem is solved as your mum will be back.

Speak to the nursery manager and with permission talk to the nursery staff particularly your daughters key worker if she is still small enough to have one. See who is interested in:

1. Pick ups and/or drop offs in the few weeks before birth
2. Being on call in case you go into labour out of nursery hours or overnight
3. Whether or not extended hours are available at short notice so that they can hold DD until someone comes to pick her up if your waters have gone on the nursery run.
4. Talk to your neighbours or friends? There must be someone within a 30 min drive who would be very happy to take her overnight or come to your house and have a nap on the sofa until she wakes in the morning? It's what people do and they are very happy to be asked. They love a good drama and to feel wanted and part of the moment. It's human nature.

My waters went early at 39 and 37 weeks. I had an EMCS with my first DD and an ELCS was booked for 2 weeks later, so we knew that I would be admitted immediately for monitoring. We took DD1 to the hospital with us while we waited for my MIL to drive south [2 hrs] to pick her up. She was there about 3 hrs, had a nap in my DH's arms and the hospital staff didn't bat an eyelid. By the time MIL arrived my labour was progressing much faster than the first time around so I had to pointedly boot out the three of them to go and move the car seat around, so I could have a quiet moan without scaring DD though.
Neither of my labours went anywhere close to plan. It really was fine.

It sounds like you are already feeling better about this since you first posted and posters have given ideas. I know you feel let down but there's still time to think of other arrangements. Fwiw I'd be more annoyed at your dad than your mum tbh. I have found in the past neighbours will rally round in an emergency.

I'm sorry, but I'm kind of with goodnessgraciousgouda, although I probably wouldn't have put it so robustly.

You're incredibly lucky to have so much help day to day from your mum. That level of help is rare and tbh I think you may have got a bit too used to it and it is disenabling you now. Many many people manage what you feel you can't. I was doing bus journeys with my 2yo at 40-41 weeks. And I gave birth to dc2 without dh there, as he was with dc1. It'll be fine.

When you have 2 small ones you will have to get used to managing what will seem to you now like impossible challenges. I don't think it's fair, either on your mum or on your own sense of comptence, to lean quite so heavily on help (in the absence of disabilities etc. - OK, I have just seen you have sciatica - tbh a few missed days at nursery will not be the end of the world for your dd, but I also think showing yourself you can manage the journey if you need to would be a good thing for you, if mobility allows).

FWIW, dc1 arrived at 38+0, dc2 at 40+8 (and dc3 at 40+10 after induction).

The think when you ask people is it's only asking them to be on call for specific few days over a 2 week period and they might not need to do it anyway. Most will say yes, but if you've got friends and family with shift work, you might end up drawing up a spreadsheet of who DH should call on any given day/time should that be the point you need them to have DD (and then give them the details of the next one on the list to call to coordinate a handover of DD when they go to work!)

It's a faff compared to "just call my mum/dad", but start now and I'm sure you'll get those 2 weeks covered, just possibly with 14 different people...

It is shitty she's not considered this. I must say, if your due date is early in a month, say, 3rd February, so many people find it hard to think of a January holiday as "2 weeks before, upto only a day or so before" more in their heads, it's "the month before the due date".

Bloody hell goodness gracious what a brilliantly unhelpful post. How on earth is it precious and selfish to be disappointed that her mum who has offered to help with childcare when the OP goes into hospital has now booked a holiday right at the time that is most likely to happen? Are you for real?!

The OP has made it clear she appreciates her mum's help. Has made it clear it's always been offered rather than asked for. She's said she knows her mum can go on holiday whenever she wants. Hardly precious!

OP - you are definitely NBU. You need to have a plan for your daughter. I understand some people don't have any other options but you thought you had your mum and now she's going on holiday! Your mum sounds great and supportive so it must be a bit of a shock that she's decided to do this. I understand why you're anxious. Hope it all works out for you.

I do think in the longer term you need to get less dependent on your mum. Otherwise you'll get into a similar panic every time she's a bit poorly and can't come and help.

I have a similar issue, with our planned childcare for DS going on holiday abroad when I'm 37-38 weeks. I've arranged with a nanny agency to have someone on call for that week. We're paying a set retainer fee to guarantee someone there within 30 minutes of phoning, and an hourly rate on top if we do need them. Totally worth it for peace of mind. Don't worry about the bus thing just yet, you can always keep your child home if things don't work, but do get something in place for labour.

Your responses are exactly why I posted. I needed someone to talk sense into me, allay my fears and provide practical solutions.

My thoughts were running away with me and the issues were becoming insurmountable.

I didn't want my last few weeks to be worrying about the impending labour and that's all I could see ahead of me instead of relaxing with DD and enjoying the time before baby comes without the stress from work.

I have a midwife appt soon and was planning on discussing my worries over labour anyway so will definitely be mentioning this.

The only person from DH's family is his mum however she is currently looking after a dying relative so she is out of the picture at the moment.

I will definitely look into the possibility of a doula. I hadn't thought of that.

My initial concern was not wanting to put anyone out or give anyone the burden of relying on them but it's extenuating circumstances I guess and a one off!