to want my DC to have contact with their sibling that DH doesn't?

[hotlinesling]

DH has a 9 year old daughter and we met when she was 1 and her parents had been separated since she was 3 months old. We have three further children and until April had my DSD every other weekend and extra in holidays. I often looked after her alone and we were really close. In April DH refused to swap weekends so his DD could attend an event with her mum and DSDs mum was really angry and said DSD felt betrayed and would only come for contact for the day for the foreseeable future and not stay over, even in holidays.

DSD lives about 40 miles away and her mum wasn't willing to do any travelling to accommodate this new arrangement so - without discussing it with me - he told his DD/her mum that it wasn't worth it and that he'd only collect her if she'd stay over. He hasn't heard from them since.

There's already a court order but DSDs mum doesn't think much of breaking it and DH thinks that therefore means it's pointless returning to court. He talks about DSD in passing, and seems to be of the opinion that she'll think he was reasonable when 'she gets back in touch when she's older'

I miss her desperately and worry so much about how abandoned she must feel. I was pregnant last time I saw her and she was so excited about the baby but now must feel replaced by her. My DC miss her lots too and I really don't want them to just lose her from their lives. I've spoken to DH but he won't budge on backing down. I don't know how it would be received but I feel like contacting DSDs mum and asking if the DC can at least have some contact. AIBU?

Absolutely make whatever effort necessary for you & your DCs to keep seeing DSD. She's just a little girl who wanted to see her dad on a different day so that she could do something fun with her mum.

Lots of events have to be on a specific date. Unless you know otherwise, DSD's mum wasn't necessarily being awkward. Even if she was, that's not DSD's fault.

A friend of mine's DP has stopped seeing his DS from a previous relationship over something similar - DP moved in with my friend & DS's mum won't allow DS to stay overnight there. He's an arse for it & I've told him so (I've known him since school). Your DH is being an arse too.

Could you speak to her mother, side with her and say DH is being a knob but you love Amy* and so do DC and if possible could you perhaps have 1 Saturday/Sunday a month in order to maintain contact.

• false name.

Sorry for the double post!

What a terrible situation.

I wpuld make that a deal breaker in my relationship with my hsubnd to be honest. I would say he had to go all out to see her or he would be out on his ear

You should go and get her yourself

It was well out of order that he could not swap one day for his dd, is he usually that controlling. Attending that event, could have been what dd really wanted, a party, dance recital etc.

I don't blame the mother for feeling how she does. Why have you often looked after her alone? Where was her dad, it was meant to be her contact time with dad?

Poor wee soul. This has made me so sad for that poor child and your children who miss her. How can you bear him?

I remember when I first introduced my now DH to my parents and I was worried what they think about the fact that he had a son and there was much drama and lengthy court proceedings regarding contact. My mother told me that she thought very highly of the way DH fought to see him son and that he was a man to build a future with as he had shown how he deals with difficult times and fights for those he loves.

Unfortunately your husband has shown how he deals with difficult times and fights for those he loves too.

I do worry that if I get in touch it'll exacerbate DHs absence and make DSD feel worse. I don't know how her mum would react. I think she thinks DH is pathetic and may well agree as she knows it'd piss him off. It is horrible knowing that if I left him and made it difficult that he'd stop seeing our DC, but I know if I was cooperative he'd see them - but would he deserve to if he could abandon them so easily?

Seriously, why are you with such a wankbadger?

I don't think it will make her feel worse

You have been a parent to her since she was a baby you have a responsibility to her and you should pay no attempt tips to your husband.

I can't understand that he doesn't miss her? Wouldn't he go along with it if you facilitated it?

He has hardly mentioned her since she stopped coming, besides to say how ungrateful she was for all the effort we made for her

It really is on or off for him isn't it? With no regard for anyone else's feelings. No empathy, it's all about him.

I haven't read your other thread so don't know the back story, but on your OP alone your husband is a complete arsewipe. And he is showing you how he will behave if your marriage ever gets into trouble although I suspect it already is.

YANBU to want your DC to have contact with DSD. They miss her.

I would put their well-being above his tantrum, contact the mum and drive the forty miles to get the children together.

I understand you don't want to make DSD feel worse, but I don't think it will. As it stands, her father is abandoning her. If you and her siblings maintain contact, I think it would reassure her that her dad is the problem and not her. She is not unlovable because her siblings and stepmother love her.

And - fuck him. Get your exit plan together, because at some point you're probably going to need it . Sorry, but even if were a complete doormat to him, his need for control is still going to cause problems at some point.)

But what would I do if I left? Facilitate and encourage contact knowing he'll maintain it if I make it easy, or cut him out knowing he isn't really worthy of them?

You do nothing love. It's up to him to sort out contact. Stop letting him control you.

Exactly. If you left you'd arrange a schedule for visits and contact and he would stick to it if he had any sense.

Back to that poor little girl. I'd put a photo of you and DC, including new baby, without DH in a card and sign it "we are thinking of you and we miss you, and hope to see you soon". I'd then put that card in a larger envelope addressed to her mother with a note saying that you can't stop thinking of her daughter and wanted to send a card from you and her step siblings to say you loved her and were thinking of her. Say you'd love to meet sometime if they were both ok with that.

Of course he would probably have another pathetic, self centred tantrum about how ungratful you were if he ever found out, and would ignore you. Personally I'd get yourself and your children away from him before they learn too much from him. Christ you don't want them growing up like him, do you?

It breaks my heart to think of how upset she must have been when he refused to collect her and of how my children (well the eldest anyway) must ultimately wonder if he'll just disappear one day.

What an appalling man-child

I'm sorry any of you have to put up with him - but actually you don't op

He really is a shit. He's prepared to ignore the pain his nasty behaviour is causing to you and your DC as well as his own DD - because you clearly all love and miss her, and she must love and miss you as well. And it's all because he hasn't got his own way over something trivial.
DSD's mum is probably sad about it as well as she will be the one comforting her unhappy DD and trying to explain why the DD can't see her half-siblings or you any more.
The fact that this man has no regard for anyone's feelings but his own is a clear demonstration that he's horrible, a shit father and a shit husband, and you really would be better off without him,all of you.

The fuck?
I read your other thread about the revolting way he treats you. Here is more evidence of his horrible nature. Why are you with him exactly?

Why on earth should a 9yo be grateful to their father for anything he does? What did he do which he thinks she should have been grateful for? Had her stay over? Whoopy fucking do! My 14yo isn't grateful for anything we do for her.......deep down she probably is but kids are kind of self absorbed at times. I don't expect my dd to be thanking me for stuff day in, day out.

Your dad won't think your Dh was reasonable when she's older. She will think that her father didn't love her enough, wasn't bothered about her enough to travel to see her. 40 miles away isn't exactly far. He's said in his own words that "it's not worth it". How do you think that will make her feel? Knowing her own father doesn't think she's worth travelling to see??

I couldn't be with a man who can treat his own child like this. It would drastically alter my opinion of anyone who did this. I couldn't be friends with someone who did this never mind be married to them.

How would you feel if you split up and he said it wasn't worth travelling 40 miles to see your dc?

Your H sounds like a complete twat.

You sound lovely. Your husband sounds like a wanker. I couldn't be with someone who did that to his own dc tbh