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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DC to have contact with their sibling that DH doesn't?

76 replies

hotlinesling · 18/11/2015 09:28

DH has a 9 year old daughter and we met when she was 1 and her parents had been separated since she was 3 months old. We have three further children and until April had my DSD every other weekend and extra in holidays. I often looked after her alone and we were really close. In April DH refused to swap weekends so his DD could attend an event with her mum and DSDs mum was really angry and said DSD felt betrayed and would only come for contact for the day for the foreseeable future and not stay over, even in holidays.

DSD lives about 40 miles away and her mum wasn't willing to do any travelling to accommodate this new arrangement so - without discussing it with me - he told his DD/her mum that it wasn't worth it and that he'd only collect her if she'd stay over. He hasn't heard from them since.

There's already a court order but DSDs mum doesn't think much of breaking it and DH thinks that therefore means it's pointless returning to court. He talks about DSD in passing, and seems to be of the opinion that she'll think he was reasonable when 'she gets back in touch when she's older' Shock

I miss her desperately and worry so much about how abandoned she must feel. I was pregnant last time I saw her and she was so excited about the baby but now must feel replaced by her. My DC miss her lots too and I really don't want them to just lose her from their lives. I've spoken to DH but he won't budge on backing down. I don't know how it would be received but I feel like contacting DSDs mum and asking if the DC can at least have some contact. AIBU?

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 18/11/2015 10:42

Wow YANBU. I wouldn't ask his permission, I'd go ahead and do it. He can be as bloody minded as he likes, why should his poor DD and your children suffer because their father is a fucking selfish arsehole!

That poor little girl. She won't come back when she's older, she'll see him for what he is. Someone who couldn't have his way when she wanted to change a weekend and then didn't see the point in driving a measly 40 miles to see her. How can he not see this?

What a twat. I'd have zero respect for someone who could do this. And I couldn't be with someone I didn't respect.

MyNewBearTotoro · 18/11/2015 10:43

Your poor DSD.

Yes I would contact her mum and see if you can see her with your other DC. It sounds like you have nothing to lose and even if she says no at least you, and hopefully DSD, know you tried.

I would also be questioning whether my DH was a good man worth staying with in your shoes though.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 18/11/2015 10:43

Poor DSD Sad

I cannot understand for the life of me how someone could treat their child that way.

pottymummy · 18/11/2015 10:45

You know that he's being a dick don't you? Of course you do or you wouldn't have posted. 40 miles away is nothing. People drive 40 miles to work EVERY day, but he can't do the trip once a FORTNIGHT to see his own child? because HE was inflexible about date changes and got her mothers back up, and doesn't want to back down? She's not 'worth it'? There are so many outrageous things about this scenario, but the worst of course is how this poor kid must be feeling. There are no winners here, except perhaps your DH who no longer has to 'bother' seeing his daughter. I feel very sorry for you being married to such a pathetic excuse for a man

PrimalLass · 18/11/2015 10:48

40 miles? Is he a man or a fucking mouse. I could not stay with someone so dismissive of their own child.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 18/11/2015 10:49

Do you think her mum will be ok with you if you try and maintain contact between the children? Just asking because it might be worth a shot, although because you're associated with her DD's father she might be a bit difficult. In which case this isn't your responsibility and you shouldn't tie yourself up in knots for something that isn't your doing.
Send the email/ make the call/ send the text/ visit or whatever. If she throws it in your face at least you can say you've done your bit.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/11/2015 10:55

I've just read your other thread, as well. This man is an abusive, self-obsessed prick. Neither you, his XW or any of the children are actually people in his eyes - you are all more like pets which have to be trained to submission and coerced into putting him at the centre of the universe all the time.
I bet his smothering physical abuse of you (the constant sleep-interruption and pawing at your body despite your obvious and spoken distaste for it) started around the time he fell out with his XW over contact. He didn't 'win' the battle; XW did not submit and obey, therefore he has decided to ramp up his control over you.

Really your best bet would be to get rid of him, get on to the XW, tell her you finally saw through him and ask about renewing the relationships between your DC and your DSD without the involvement of this inadequate and unpleasant man, for the children's sake.

diddl · 18/11/2015 10:55

I was also wondering if just you & the kids could see her somehow?

Might that reinforce his lack of interest though?

Wha a shock though.

And what a shit thing to find out after three kids with him.

chillycurtains · 18/11/2015 10:57

Could you write to his DD so she knows that you are thinking of her and encourage her to write back with news of what she is up to? What is DSD's mum like? What about writing to her (as well as DSD) and say how you are sorry that things are difficult at the moment, that you personally miss her and that you would really like all the siblings to grow a good relationship. Perhaps praise the mum for raising a lovely DD when explaining that you miss her. Only you know the what the mum is like though so you would need to think how appropriate it would be.

Maryz · 18/11/2015 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLupo · 18/11/2015 11:24

Building bridges between you/your DCs and DSD is obviously the right thing to do. If DSD's mother is amenable I would go ahead and contact her. If not, you could at least send notes/cards/photos to DSD so she knows you're there for her. Whether you talk to your DH about it again is obviously up to you, but if you do I'd be telling not asking. If he cares about DSD this little, I'd brace yourself for the possibility he may not be in the picture for your own DCs in the long run, in which case the relationships that exist between all his estranged family members is a matter for you all to sort out amongst yourselves really. Poor DSD. She's lucky to have you, though.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 18/11/2015 11:39

He sounds horrible and abusive from this and your other thread.

Poor DSD.

Poor you. And poor your DCs.

I agree with PPs and all the good advice you have had. I wouldn't want to stay with him.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 18/11/2015 11:56

So, if you two break up, he probably won't want to see your 3 kids either. What a waste of skin. Do you really want to be with him, now you've seen this monstrous side to him?

I would definitely stay in tough with your DSD. If you don't, you're no better than him, are you? You sound lovely and I know you'll do the right thing.

coconutpie · 18/11/2015 12:14

Just saw your other thread. Your 'D'P sounds awful and controlling. His attitude towards his daughter is absolutely vile. I don't know how you put up with this crap. Next time he asks are you ok, respond with "no I'm not fucking ok, you are driving me fucking insane with asking me 10,000 times a day am I ok".

Flowers OP.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 18/11/2015 12:30

Do you think that he was looking for an excuse to cut contact? That was the first thing that came to my mind- because his reasons for giving up on his own daughter are ridiculous.

I couldn't be with this man, however much you love him this proves a real darkness at the core of him that's just... Evil. That's a strong word but this is terrible behaviour.

kungfupannda · 18/11/2015 12:41

Your husband is an idiot. A family member of mine once said he was thinking of stopping contact with his children from his first marriage as his ex was 'difficult' (although he's about to be an ex-family member and his current conduct makes me think his ex was probably entirely justified) and that they'd get in touch when they were older.

I laughed in his face, and pointed out that as someone who didn't speak to a couldn't-be-arsed father for over 20 years, I was fairly well-placed to tell him that they probably wouldn't get in touch when they were older, and that they might well follow my example and decide that they were better off without someone like him in their lives.

If he'll treat a child like this, what does that say about the kind of person he is?

Taylia · 18/11/2015 13:12

Personal anecdote alert.

I was 7 when my parents split. My mother stopped me seeing my father a year later after it annoyed my stepdad.
My father didn't fight for me.

I'm now 36.

His daughter won't get in touch when she's older. Why should she? Her dads abandoned her.

Kintan · 18/11/2015 13:15

How have your other children reacted? It's not really up to your husband to dictate what relationship they have with their sister. Does he not realise that they will massively resent him for this in the future? What will he do then - cut contact with them too?

CakeMountain · 18/11/2015 13:18

I hope she's putting money by for her eventual therapy bills then. He is being cruel and very childish. Does he control you to

CakeMountain · 18/11/2015 13:19

^^ too, rather Blush

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 18/11/2015 13:20

This is your children's future. At some point he will do the same to them.

How you can continue to share your life with someone like him is beyond me. He'd make my skin crawl.

Katiekatiekatie · 18/11/2015 13:27

Make sure you and dc write to her loads. He can't object that

Lozza1990 · 18/11/2015 13:34

I would definitely contact her mum, just tell her you're sorry that your husband is a pathetic excuse of a man but you want to do the decent thing, and at least let DSD know that she is welcome to still see you and the other kids.

MidnightAura · 18/11/2015 13:39

Your DH sounds awful!

From my own experience, his daughter is unlikely to give him the time of day when she's older. He's behaving like a selfish, spoiled brat. If this is how he treats her, this is how he will treat your children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to make contact with DSD, at least you can say you tried. It sounds like you had a great relationship with her.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/11/2015 13:43

Absolutely make whatever effort necessary for you & your DCs to keep seeing DSD. She's just a little girl who wanted to see her dad on a different day so that she could do something fun with her mum.

Lots of events have to be on a specific date. Unless you know otherwise, DSD's mum wasn't necessarily being awkward. Even if she was, that's not DSD's fault.

A friend of mine's DP has stopped seeing his DS from a previous relationship over something similar - DP moved in with my friend & DS's mum won't allow DS to stay overnight there. He's an arse for it & I've told him so (I've known him since school). Your DH is being an arse too.