To start a ranty shouty sweary thread because everyone round here is a fuckwit

[katemiddletonsothermum]

1. Tried to do up an old house. Local builder/ plumbers s ARE FUCKWITS who stuck my loo seat together with gaffer tape and had the flush button halfway down the cistern for SIX WEEKS as they were "waiting for part" - sacked them and my new plumber fixed the loo in 20 mins. All he had to do was take it apart and re-install it properly. He is nice. I like him.

2. The brand new bathroom blind didn't work. It wouldn't stay pulled down so was bloody useless. I complained to the blind man 3 weeks ago and he's only just ordered me a new one.

3. No one can fucking drive round here. I was waiting AND SIGNALLING to turn right at a junction and then BOOOM, some fuckwit slammed into the back of me and destroyed the back of my car. But he had time to beep his horn, ho yes. He had space to move over to the left of my car onto a very flat grass verge. But no. That would have got his car dirty. So he trashed his bumper and the back/side of my car instead and put me in hospital and my car took 6 weeks to repair. Fuckwit.

4. Parcelforce will not deliver a fucking parcel to the local post office - nor the main sorting office/collection office in my nearest town. So they expect me to drive 45 fucking miles to pick it up, or waste YET ANOTHER DAY sitting waiting for them, then as soon as I go to the loo they ring the doorbell and fuck off before I can answer the door.

5. The local National Trust place claims it's open all year round, but when I took the kids there it was closed and said we had to get the key from one of the neighbours. Guess what. The neighbours weren't in. I expect they were driving 45 miles to pick up a bloody Parcelforce parcel.

6. I had an altercation with a woman in a car park today who wanted me to get out of HER way even though she had plenty of room and could have easily moved round me. So I did the only decent thing and shouted "You think YOU'RE entitled? Well you're not as entitled as me. FUCK OFF."

I am in a very bad mood. Don't even tell me to breathe.

Bad fucking year shutup - shortly after we moved here I went for a skin patch test at the local hairdressers and she burnt my f ing ear off. She said, "Oh, I'll still cut your hair" and she turned me into a jellyfish. I used to have lovely long hair, gently layered, nice. She gave me a massive pudding bowl with long tendrils coming out of it. I had to get the whole frigging lot cut off into a bob so that I could actually pick up my child from school without the entire playground ptsl.

Dear God, OP, I have felt exactlylike this since yesterday. Having building work done, the roofers are rubbish, the carpenters are rubbish, the plumber is rubbish, and suppliers are being appalling. Also DSis is being selfish, DH is being rubbish, my colleagues are being useless, and other drivers and public transport are being atrocious. Even John Lewis are misbehaving, things have got that bad.

DDs and I are perfect of course, I just need the whole world to be like us. am actually not joking

A pile of cheap crockery to smash would be great right now. If that is not available, crushing cans with your hands provides some relief.

Op, kill them all.

hic to my lovely online friends. With my current luck, I'd smash a plate and the arsing thing would smash back up into my face like a beer bottle did in Asda. Fortunately I was in Hull and they were bloody brilliant and looked after my kids until DH arrived to take them away before the ambulance arrived, unlike the fing people in Sainsburys in Cuntshire who just looked at me as if I'd shat on their floor when I went flying on some spilt water from their fing trays landed face down bang flat. Fuckers

What is it with other people? It's ALWAYS other people!!

Its am asda thing! I smashed wine all over my full trolly, my toddlers coat and me. I was heavily pregnant

Wine for the DP? Were the Asda people nice? Did you stink of booze for a week and get accusing looks?

After I'd had my eyes bandaged / x rayed / stitched together / x rayed again and gone home with a massive bruiser, so much so that I got strange looks from strangers and DH got filthy looks from strangers, all he could say was "Why did you get me San Miguel? I don't like San Miguel. Couldn't you have got me Corona instead?"

Fuck
Right
Off
And
Get
Your
Own

Kate- you have really made me laugh this evening- and that's going some......

Smashing cups is awesome for stress, especially if elderly relatives have offloaded their hoard on you. Two caveats

1 - Someone has to sweep up the pieces afterwards and it won't be the dog.

2 - I once walked into the garden, balled up all my frustration, hurled a mug at a wall - and missed. Even the cat laughed.

Good luck!

kate

I have weeks like this

It's like the world has tilted not in my favour

Have you stubbed your toe yet really painfully?

That'll be next ... some shitty minor injury you have to put up with

Oh christ, yes Jeff I have - a while ago and the swelling still won't go down so I think I might have broken it.

MINOR INJURIES???? Here's another story:

Earlier this year I heard a sniffing snorting noise and DS runs in saying "Mum, I've got something stuck up my nose." It turns out it's one of those foil confetti things from New Year's Eve, only it's not foil - the stars are actually made out of metal.

So DS sticks it up his nose, decides it isn't up far enough, takes it out and shoves it back up again so that it is completely stuck.

We take him to A&E who send us across town to Minor Injuries who, two hours later, send us back to the Ears Nose & Throat place which is.... bang next door to A&E.

Ah well done, you have hit the holy trifecta

You're now due a lottery win from that 100 million tonight

[Wine] OP.
you have made me chuckle.
I got caught in Barney today, the bastard tried to chop my leg off when he made the car door slam on it, causing me to shout fuck off to nobody in particular......but my elderly very well to do neighbour walked by and I'm sure she thought I was telling her to f off
Then this afternoon the kitten got stuck up the tree, mewing her head off.
Que me trying to balance on a stool to get her down in the pissing rain.
She then, after 10 minutes, strolls down and trots indoors I was soaked!

Kate, the wine wasn't for me. Yes they were nice. No I just smelt of wine while checking out my shopping with a huge bump

lavender Barney tried to cut your leg off? Bad dinosaur!

OP, you've me laugh out loud/snort. Thank you so much -- I love you. The jellyfish haircut experience sounded so brutal. "Sainsburys in Cuntshire" nearly killed me.

Please say where you've moved to...am looking at moving out of London to get away from fuckwits not find more
Hope tomorrow's better.....

I'm sorry you're having such bad luck lately Op but on the plus side, you could put all this lot in a book and make a fortune. It's hilarious. I know it's your life and that but it's really made me laugh.

Thank you to everyone who said I made them laugh. Reading it back myself I made myself laugh so I've calmed down a bit. We've cancelled the parcelforce delivery - I was so angry that I forgot to say that the initial fuckwit delivery man had put down the wrong tracking number so no one would even fing help me on the phone / internet. Both DH and I phoned the mail order company to say that parcelforce expect us to drive 37.5 miles (and this is the actual mileage, just googled it) to collect it and that they should use another courier service.

And here goes..... I live near Peterborough. Parcelforce want me to drive to Leicester. FUCK OFF. When I went to the Peterborough Royal Mail sorting office there were at least 6 Parcelforce lorries in the car park but no, they can't accept a Parcelforce item because it isn't a Parcelforce depot. And then they said I should arrange for the parcel to be delivered to the local shop. And not the local Post Office. But the local Post Office is IN the sodding shop. It makes no sense.

Seriously. Fuck. Right. Off. And. Use.Hermes. At least Hermes deliver the bastard items, even if it means chucking it over the fence.

So, my present to you lovely ladies is to give you my favourite shouty statement which I've been rehearsing all year. I did get the actual words wrong in the exchange to entitled woman so here is the grammatically correct version. Read, learn and use, Mumsnet:

However entitled you THINK you might be, you'll NEVER be as entitled as ME.

And now I've totally outed myself. I might as well give you my proper name, address and names of kids' schools.

Aww, well I'm glad to hear you've cheered up. And yes, thank you very much, I will copy and use that phrase whenever possible.

I wasn't laughing at you, obviously, just your lovely witty turn of phrase.

I can't do it. Obviously. Be witty, that is.

Was it the Asda opposite the pea factory? I used to have lunch there while waiting for my 22 tonnes of petit pois.

As for Peterborough Royal Mail, I met the originals of Stanley and Mr. Groat while working there.

It's alright MsAdorabelle I don't mind being laughed at or with

Disgrace It was the one at Kingswood. The staff were great, especially for a Sunday afternoon. There was blood everywhere so the first aider bandaged my eyes so I got them to phone DH to pick up the kids so that they wouldn't run around Hull Royal Infirmary causing havoc because I couldn't see what they were doing be upset with the gruesome sight of the doctor picking glass out of my eye...

DH took ages to get drive all of 5 miles because he was playing golf the bastard so the staff kept the kids occupied and gave them the run of the crisp and chocolate aisles. To this day DS thinks this is one of the best days of his life and miraculously his teeth are still intact.

Where is the pea factory? If it's the Birds Eye factory then I think it (Birds Eye) closed down. Anyway, you'll agree that Hull is miles better than Peterborough. My bloody car insurance went up when I told the insurance company that I'd moved.

Pea factory was razed to the ground years ago now.

As for Peterborough Royal Mail, I met the originals of Stanley and Mr. Groat while working there.

They're friends of mine I'll have you know.