To start a ranty shouty sweary thread because everyone round here is a fuckwit

[katemiddletonsothermum]

1. Tried to do up an old house. Local builder/ plumbers s ARE FUCKWITS who stuck my loo seat together with gaffer tape and had the flush button halfway down the cistern for SIX WEEKS as they were "waiting for part" - sacked them and my new plumber fixed the loo in 20 mins. All he had to do was take it apart and re-install it properly. He is nice. I like him.
   
   
2. The brand new bathroom blind didn't work. It wouldn't stay pulled down so was bloody useless. I complained to the blind man 3 weeks ago and he's only just ordered me a new one.
   
   
3. No one can fucking drive round here. I was waiting AND SIGNALLING to turn right at a junction and then BOOOM, some fuckwit slammed into the back of me and destroyed the back of my car. But he had time to beep his horn, ho yes. He had space to move over to the left of my car onto a very flat grass verge. But no. That would have got his car dirty. So he trashed his bumper and the back/side of my car instead and put me in hospital and my car took 6 weeks to repair. Fuckwit.
   
   
4. Parcelforce will not deliver a fucking parcel to the local post office - nor the main sorting office/collection office in my nearest town. So they expect me to drive 45 fucking miles to pick it up, or waste YET ANOTHER DAY sitting waiting for them, then as soon as I go to the loo they ring the doorbell and fuck off before I can answer the door.
   
   
5. The local National Trust place claims it's open all year round, but when I took the kids there it was closed and said we had to get the key from one of the neighbours. Guess what. The neighbours weren't in. I expect they were driving 45 miles to pick up a bloody Parcelforce parcel.
   
   
6. I had an altercation with a woman in a car park today who wanted me to get out of HER way even though she had plenty of room and could have easily moved round me. So I did the only decent thing and shouted "You think YOU'RE entitled? Well you're not as entitled as me. FUCK OFF."
   
   I am in a very bad mood. Don't even tell me to breathe.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Oh dear, you seem to attract all the loons. Just spent a nice weekend in p borough ( yes realise it's not really a vacation spot. This was leave children with granny escapism) and didn't encounter anything terrible at all. Although the harvester were trying to smoke out the entire pub. Ok, maybe it is doomed! Hope things are better now!

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Yes, Arkkorox ACTUALLY ON MY HEAD. I kept moving my head but he kept putting the phone back on it. I don't even know the bloke. However, I made a bit of a scene at school about something else a while back, so I thought I'd better not draw attention to myself again by shouting "FUCK OFF YOU WANKER"

[katemiddletonsothermum]

LOL at madamedes

How long ago did I start this thread? The blind man STILL hasn't fixed my blind.

[madamedesevigne]

Just had a flashback to the time at work when I finished a very frustrating phone conversation with a Person from a Company who Fits Blinds, put the phone down and said "I hate the blind people!" Only to see my two visually impaired colleagues standing at my desk

[Arkkorox]

Actually on your head? Haha!

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Sadly I am too well behaved. However, I did sink oh so ever so slowly. And the bloody phone stayed on my head!

[iklboo]

Is said dad now in casualty having his phone removed from his nether orifice?

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Right, two weeks later, get this...

Am driving along to my son's Christmas Fair and there are two very slow cars going very slowly along a clear stretch of road. I overtake one car and am about to overtake the front car when it indicates right and swings out into the middle of the road. Fuck, I think, he's going to sideswipe me, so I pull in behind him..... I mean, WTF? I have never seen anything so arrogant nor dangerous.

AND THEN

The Christmas Fair opens with the kids singing Christmas Carols and some bastard father uses my HEAD to balance his i-phone on so he can obviously get a steadier video of his bastard child singing.

WTAF????

[katemiddletonsothermum]

spritefairy - You live near Peterborough? In that case, none of this applies to you. Obviously.

gulps

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I do. I had a son who learned the trumpet. He never practised either - and I sent him off to his Grade 1 exam with these words of encouragement - 'You are not going to pass, you have done no practice'. He got a distinction (the little bugger), and then gave up.

My mum made me learn the cello, because the screechy learning noises were nowhere near as bad. The fact that I had to haul a cello around, on the bus, didn't matter to her.

[spritefairy]

Hey I am near Peterborough! My go to city.

You made me laugh though x

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Sod the boy playing the drums. They're now FOR MEEEEEEEEE. I've just made enquiries about drum lessons for me.

I've had to put up with 9 year's worth of violin lessons for my daughter. Believe me, even on Grade 7, the practice never gets any easier on the ears. This is why I told him to play the drums as BANG crash rattle rattle is going to be a lot more relaxing than screeeeeeeech, grate, whine, scrrrrreeeeeech MUMICAN'TDOITYESYOUCANIPAID£500FORTHATVIOLINBECAUSEYOUSAIDTHECHEAPONEWASNOGOOD.

You get my drift.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I hate to say this, but you are really going to regret getting that drum kit - approximately 27 nanoseconds after he first starts playing it.

We got ds3 an electronic drum kit - because I, in my wisdom (?) assumed that it would be quiet. It was not bastarding quiet. You couldn't hear the drum noises (those went through the headphones) - all you could hear was the bashing on the plastic sections (don't know what they are called). Tuneless bang, bang, bang. I was so glad he went off the drum kit quickly, and it has lived under his bed, in its box, ever since.

He now wants to sell it - and inflict the misery on another innocent mother.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

I'm a natural. Just saying.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Thank Norks - I have just taken delivery of son's drum kit (Christmas present) and I've just bashed out all my frustration. OMG I feel magnificant!! Everyone should get a drum kit. By law.

[NorksAreMessy]

kate thank you for making me giggle, and for enduring all you have to endure SPECIFICALLY to make. Anecdotes to make me giggle.
Hope today was a bit better

[SistersOfPercy]

You need a job in an Iceland store. I worked in one in my teens and at the end of the day it was my job to chuck waste into the compactor.

There was nothing more therapeutic than lobbing out of date jars of crap at a metal wall and watching them explode.

I'll swear I was never as chilled out again as when I did that job.

Go find a glass bank and empty a few wine bottles

[Dowser]

Ffs...is my go to phrase most of the time!

( it stops me killing my very dear husband!)

[TheColourMyrtle]

I love this thread it's really cheered me up.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

As for Peterborough Royal Mail, I met the originals of Stanley and Mr. Groat while working there.

They're friends of mine I'll have you know.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Pea factory was razed to the ground years ago now.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

It's alright MsAdorabelle I don't mind being laughed at or with

Disgrace It was the one at Kingswood. The staff were great, especially for a Sunday afternoon. There was blood everywhere so the first aider bandaged my eyes so I got them to phone DH to pick up the kids so that they wouldn't run around Hull Royal Infirmary causing havoc because I couldn't see what they were doing be upset with the gruesome sight of the doctor picking glass out of my eye...

DH took ages to get drive all of 5 miles because he was playing golf the bastard so the staff kept the kids occupied and gave them the run of the crisp and chocolate aisles. To this day DS thinks this is one of the best days of his life and miraculously his teeth are still intact.

Where is the pea factory? If it's the Birds Eye factory then I think it (Birds Eye) closed down. Anyway, you'll agree that Hull is miles better than Peterborough. My bloody car insurance went up when I told the insurance company that I'd moved.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Was it the Asda opposite the pea factory? I used to have lunch there while waiting for my 22 tonnes of petit pois.

As for Peterborough Royal Mail, I met the originals of Stanley and Mr. Groat while working there.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Aww, well I'm glad to hear you've cheered up. And yes, thank you very much, I will copy and use that phrase whenever possible.

I wasn't laughing at you, obviously, just your lovely witty turn of phrase.

I can't do it. Obviously. Be witty, that is.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Thank you to everyone who said I made them laugh. Reading it back myself I made myself laugh so I've calmed down a bit. We've cancelled the parcelforce delivery - I was so angry that I forgot to say that the initial fuckwit delivery man had put down the wrong tracking number so no one would even fing help me on the phone / internet. Both DH and I phoned the mail order company to say that parcelforce expect us to drive 37.5 miles (and this is the actual mileage, just googled it) to collect it and that they should use another courier service.

And here goes..... I live near Peterborough. Parcelforce want me to drive to Leicester. FUCK OFF. When I went to the Peterborough Royal Mail sorting office there were at least 6 Parcelforce lorries in the car park but no, they can't accept a Parcelforce item because it isn't a Parcelforce depot. And then they said I should arrange for the parcel to be delivered to the local shop. And not the local Post Office. But the local Post Office is IN the sodding shop. It makes no sense.

Seriously. Fuck. Right. Off. And. Use.Hermes. At least Hermes deliver the bastard items, even if it means chucking it over the fence.

So, my present to you lovely ladies is to give you my favourite shouty statement which I've been rehearsing all year. I did get the actual words wrong in the exchange to entitled woman so here is the grammatically correct version. Read, learn and use, Mumsnet:

However entitled you THINK you might be, you'll NEVER be as entitled as ME.

And now I've totally outed myself. I might as well give you my proper name, address and names of kids' schools.