Or has my friend been quite shit actually?

[Woodenheart101]

Back story best friends through school drifted apart during our early 20's uni/relocation etc last 3 years since we've both moved to home town we've been very close. We see each other weekly sometimes a couple of times a week with our families or just us.
I've had some bad news in the last week- really sad potentially and very worrying- health problem but dont want to out myself.
I was a wreck the day I found out and didn't contact anyone the next day I saw this friend and others had messaged me to ask how hosp app had gone I sent very brief msg back saying very badly and I was worried sick.
My other friends were in touch with offers of help/or have been generally checking up popping round.
But this friend send a couple of msg saying oh no that's awful kind of thing and that was it no calls, popping round I've not seen her in over a week. She is a busy person and has lots on but I would have thought she could have spared 5 mins to call me or at least arranged a time we could meet up.
I feel really let down by her. This is the first time she's needed to have supported me really since we got close again and she's not been here for me- I really questioning how much our friendship meant to her. Before this if the situation were the other way round I would and have before been there for her and offered help. Am I expecting too much or is this shitty?!

She might well be giving you space.

If you didn't contact her for a day after your appointment (bearing in mind she messaged asking how it went) then sent a very brief reply she might think you need a bit of time first.

If you need her, ask for her help, if you want to talk to her, call or message her, she probably doesn't know how to react and doesn't want to invade your space.

If you ask for her help, or to talk and she isn't there for you then write her off as a shit friend.

Hope you are ok op

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear that you have received bad news about your health, it must be a very worrying time for you.

But, I do think you are being unreasonable. She has been in touch, she's text to offer sympathy and to see how you are. Perhaps she hasn't been round as she is giving you some space and is waiting to be asked?
I think in this situation I wouldn't be turning up on the doorstep in case my friend didn't feel ready to talk, knowing that they would call and ask me when they did feel ready to.

Maybe ask her if you can meet up? I vet she'll be there like a shot when she knows that you want her to be

I think she might be giving you some space or she has had, or knows someone close to her, who has a similar health scare and she has kept her distance as she is finding hard to deal with it.

Why not message her and say you'd like to meet up to talk about it? Her reaction to that will tell you if she is truly your friend.

Take care of yourself

I'm sorry you've had bad news.

I've been in a similar boat with one of my oldest friends and I felt very hurt by what felt like her dismissiveness or lack of interest.

This was a couple of years ago now, and I think I've rationalised it now in that she probably really does care but is quite crap at dealing with things like that and chooses to bury her head as it's the only thing that she can cope with as a response. As friends go, I've now classified her as a good time girl but as a result of this she's not really someone that I confide in about anything significant, nor do I really expect any emotional support anymore. She is actually quiet wrapped up in herself, and that's not something I realised until all that happened.

I feel for you as it is very hurtful when a friendship is tested and comes out differently to the way you might have expected. It's hurtful when you realise that what you would gladly give someone isn't going to be willingly returned. You can salvage the relationship if you can accept this but it does make you view it differently.

Focus on the people who can give you what you need at this time. I wish you all the best and hope that everything goes well for you.

This kind of thing can turn into playing games. If you need her, tell her that.

I heard something very wise the other day. Everyone is different so you can't judge people's behaviour on why you would do something, or what it would mean if you did something. Because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

Maybe if it were the other way round, you wouldn't think she needed space and you'd be round her house or phoning up - and she'd be on MN saying, "I just wanted space to digest this news, but best friend has been hassling me with phonecalls and even appearing on my doorstep". Maybe she thinks you want time alone to think it through, deal with it with your closest family. Or maybe she is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do. Maybe you're a great person to have around in a crisis and she's a great person to have around when you're having fun. I don't know. We all have different strengths, but if she's a great friend I would tell her you feel a bit hurt that she didn't get in touch and see if she has an explanation, hopefully she will know better next time when it comes to dealing with you and you can let it go this time and take it as a learning curve.

I might see if she's free I don't want it to turn into me 'testing her'.
I feel awkward my last msg to her was about me being worried sick and she's not replied so I feel like I'm chasing after her but will send her one more msg and see what the response is.

The thing is that we're all different, and I personally in that sort of situation need my space. I wouldn't want phone calls. Texts, emails, okay, but not too many.
What I'd really appreciate is a text saying "thinking of you, shout if you need anything."
I probably wouldn't shout even if I needed anything, but I'd appreciate the thought.

So that's probably what I would do to someone else. It wouldn't mean that I didn't want to talk to them, or didn't want to help, but I'd be doing what I'd want done for me.

I feel awkward my last msg to her was about me being worried sick and she's not replied

That isn't giving 'space'. That's being a shit friend.

Sorry to hear you're worried OP. I hope you find better support amongst your other friends.

Sorry to hear you have had bad news OP

Perhaps your friend is struggling with the news too and just doesn't know what to say ?

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to reply to your last message without asking intrusive questions, which a lot of people would find even more offensive. I'd never ever show up to doorstep unannounced, after I knew someone had bad news.

How were you hoping she would respond to your last message?

It is coming across as shit especially given what your last message said but do you think it could be more of a case of her wanting to talk face to face or (more likely) that she feels awkward and doesn't really know what to say or do? I admit I can be like this. I care, a lot and will offer 'let me know if you need anything' but other than that, I have no idea what to say or how to sympathise other than a "oh no, that's awful." It's not that I don't feel it, it's that I have no idea how to say it or what to do. Do you think she could be like that?

Sorry for your news. I expect this is the last thing you need to deal with. Maybe spell it out as I "can we meet at X time? I could really do with a friend now." I'd jump at a message like this as it spells out what the expectations are. If she continues to be evasive then you can conclude that she may not be the best person to support you at the moment.

shit friend. i don't know how you justify not replying to 'very badly, worried sick.' tbh. no response is crap to put it mildly.

unfortunately when times are tough is when you find out who your real friends are.

Ring her up. Cryptic messages are unhelpful, as is asking random strangers who don' know you or her what sort of friend she is. Just ring and tell her that you'd really like to talk / see her/share a cup of coffee or glass of wine with her. How is she supposed to read your mind.

Call her!!

By the way - my BFF had a heart attack recently. She texted but asked me not to call. I sent a card saying "Other peoples' concern is exhausting!" which we laughed about later. I didn't phone. I knew she'd hate it. I knew she'd call me if she needed me. As pp said - everyone is different.

She's a shitty friend.
You have my greatest sympathy OP as I am going through this myself. Found out some dreadful and frightening health news 2 weeks ago. My own sister didn't even send as much as a text, despite repeated prompts from our Mum. It's all blown up into something of a family row and I am in pieces.
I would advise not telling her she's being hurtful, as in my experience people like this do not like to be criticized. Therefore jump on the defensive and somehow it's all turned around to be your fault. The last thing you need when you're already seriously ill is to feel so stressed too. So, my advice? Forget her, concentrate on the people who are there for you.
I honestly wish I had kept my mouth shut as this is the lowest I have ever felt in my life.
I hope you are ok and your health is improving.

Agree she's a ahitty friend.

I've had a bad health crisis and I am ASTONISHED at who disappeared without trace when I got the news. It's absolutely shitty, there is no excuse for it.

But my heart has been seriously warmed at who has tipped up, the most surprising people. I find I have had a serious friendship cull.

Hope things start improving soon Dreamie
I might hold off msg her until Tomo just to see if she does reply to that last msg as I only sent it yest.
A simple 'let me know if I can do anything' would suffice.
springy its true that you really do find out who your friebds are during the hard times I went through a difficult time about 6 years ago thought I'd cleared out the fair weather friends and replaced with people I could depend on but this has surprised me but like you say you do get nice surprises too a lady I've known for a year or so has been really supportive and just came over for a cuppa and chat now :£

can i just point out that some people cant cope with this sort of thing.....she may be a shitty friend but she may also be a friend who has fallen to bits over this and cant phone or see you as she is scared of what to say,do or act.....its no defence but see it all the time in my job.....some people just want to pretend its not happening....its a tough time for you....you may need her support but you dont want to end up supporting her because she cant cope ....be strong for yourself...wish you the best

Bloody hell, potato. That is NO EXCUSE.

How do they think we're 'coping with it'?? Too bad they 'can't cope with it' - it's not their thing. I can't believe you've presented your argument as though it is somehow legit. It doesn't take much - but apparently that's too much for some people because they 'can't cope'

Then they can fuck right off.

Update- I did msg her she said she'd pop round last night- didn't come as she was too busy with a deadline for work- a phone call would have done but she text and said she'd contact me next week.
At least I know now not to invest so much time in her in the future.

And to add I made it really clear beforehand how glad I was that we were getting together last night as I needed a chat- so she knew

wow. well now you know!

hope you are ok.

Thanks Eddie hard lesson to learn at a time like this but I have done. Could kick myself for all the time and effort I put into the friendship but you learn!

No! It is not you who has been stupid, not you who should kick yourself.

You have been a good, ordinary friend. It is her who has been a coward and a flake.

Fuck her! How DARE she let you down when you needed her most. How DARE she think that is an option.

Thanks Springy at least we know we wouldn't be like that though, I wouldn't do it to someone who wasn't a friend never mind someone who I was supposedly close friends with!