Or has my friend been quite shit actually?

[Woodenheart101]

Back story best friends through school drifted apart during our early 20's uni/relocation etc last 3 years since we've both moved to home town we've been very close. We see each other weekly sometimes a couple of times a week with our families or just us.
I've had some bad news in the last week- really sad potentially and very worrying- health problem but dont want to out myself.
I was a wreck the day I found out and didn't contact anyone the next day I saw this friend and others had messaged me to ask how hosp app had gone I sent very brief msg back saying very badly and I was worried sick.
My other friends were in touch with offers of help/or have been generally checking up popping round.
But this friend send a couple of msg saying oh no that's awful kind of thing and that was it no calls, popping round I've not seen her in over a week. She is a busy person and has lots on but I would have thought she could have spared 5 mins to call me or at least arranged a time we could meet up.
I feel really let down by her. This is the first time she's needed to have supported me really since we got close again and she's not been here for me- I really questioning how much our friendship meant to her. Before this if the situation were the other way round I would and have before been there for her and offered help. Am I expecting too much or is this shitty?!

As I said, I've had many examples of this during my current illness. It has been a HUGE shock!

Ime the anger and hurt threaten to be a bit of a headfuck - which I can ill afford! I have had to be ruthless re ' you fucking COW ! How DARE you!' - to myself (don't worry, the time will come when some are going to get it in the neck but at the moment I have other things to focus on) - then close the book. Gone. Out. Put her/them behind you.

See everyone's different. I don't like to offload problems, my friends know that all I need is a damned good laugh, touch on the subject maybe and then go back to laughing. I'm the more practical friend in that I'll return the favour and do some housework or drop some freezer heat up food but I don't like to get into hours and hours of talking about a problem. I'll listen, let them offload and then it's down to letting off steam.

If I have a health scare I don't offload it and nor do I expect to feed someone's anxiety about it if they have one.

Your friend may not be that type of person but will come into her own in another way. Some people can't deal with ill health in others especially if they're the type not to mention their own.

Write her off if she's not behaving in the way you want her to just don't go down the angry 'you're shit' texts because it won't make you feel any better and she simply may not be mentally able to.

I'm sorry to read about your troubles and hope they're not as bad as you're imagining. It's horrible when you get a shock and think the worst.

Ive had similar wanker friends. Happy to be an emotional drain when they experience minor problems but when a crisis occurs they just cannot be there for you. Hurts but its good to know they arent worth wasting any more emotional energy on

I'm the more practical friend

That's DOING something though. It's not doing NOTHING. it's the doing NOTHING friends I would like to blast with a rocket charger have an issue with.

Fwiw the people who have stepped up have offered an array of 'gifts'. One woman comes in every week and changes my sheets bcs I don't have the strength to do it myself. We barely talk, general niceties. What she does for me is priceless and I will never forget it. Someone else is due to drop off some vintage DVDs for me to watch. Some bring takeaways, some take me to lunch/super/theatre, someone does my hoovering, someone sends me a card every week, chattering about nothing much. Some send me regular texts.

It's the doing, I think. Shows they care. I talk to the professionals and friends who've been through it about my health - but not much. I cried with the district nurse about Paris - she turned up at the right time.

Btw the woman who changes my sheets took it all away and washed it. I protested, she insisted. She IRONED MY DUVET FFS. Beyond the call of duty in my book. I will love the woman FOR EVER. I felt like I was in a hotel when I slept in it.

See, it doesn't take much. Just do something, ANYTHING. Show you care. It is, frankly, insulting if someone assumes you're going to flump all your fear and worry and anxiety on them. Who tf do they think they are - God?

My dp had cancer a few years ago. It's 100% true you find out who your real friends are...some people we didn't know well were amazing support, a few old friends were nowhere to be seen.

It sucks now, but you will end up appreciating what you learn from this - who to stay friends with and who is worth letting go.