to ask the school to help with DS1's behaviour

[recyclingbag]

I've posted this in behaviour too.

I'm at the end of my tether with 9 year old DS1. Our weekends are increasingly spent dealing with his stroppiness and violent outbursts and I'm at a loss what to do.

His behaviour always stems from his feeling that we love DS2 more. This is not true and I'm not entirely sure what specific things make him feel like that. They certainly get equal attention, affection, everything else.

However he picks up on every little thing as a major slight and goes off in a massive strop. He's also becoming more and more violent and he is a BIG 9 year old.

It's not uncontrollable rage, it's almost measured and calm. For example he's just casually turn over the chair in his bedroom, or take all the posters off the wall. Or he'll sit methodically kicking the door/wall.

Also, he is becoming more violent and I'm nervous that it is going to get out of hand. Yesterday DS1 got hit in the face by DH. I was there and saw what happened - DS1 was trying to hit DH from behind (and he had hit me), DH turned round to stop him and caught his eye with his hand. DS1 now saying "Daddy punched me in the face." He genuinely didn't but I don't think DS realises the consequences of what would happen if he started repeating those things.

I can't remember the last weekend which was incident free. His poor brother is also missing out because DS1 is being so disruptive.

The problem is, if we sanction his behaviour it just reinforces in his mind that we favour DS2.

He kicks and yells and strops, we react and then he says "see, I told you so".

It is making us all miserable and is only getting worse.

Do you think the school could help? I'm not sure how but I don't know where to turn.

The school will have a support worker that deals with issues at school and/or at home. Does he have any issues at school??

On the whole I would say no.

He's a bit disruptive at school, but in a messing about / distracting way rather than aggressive.

Might be worth a shot. Have they ever mentioned any behavioural issues before? If they can't help you, you must ask them who can. Can school refer you or is a self referral ok. Should you go through your GP? Is there likely to be a waiting list? Are there other options? You really have to make sure you cover every possible base, and take notes, as it's very easy to miss something when you're in a stressed situation.

And always write up your notes afterwards and email them to whoever you had the meeting with. A paper trail can help later down the line.

This is not true and I'm not entirely sure what specific things make him feel like that.

You need to find this out.

I do try to talk to him about it, when he's calmed down.

For example.

Last week he was at his best friend's birthday. They went to the cinema, pizza and a sleepover.

While he was gone we went shopping with DS2. He spent his pocket money on some Hexbugs and we had a burger, then came home and watched a movie on Sky.

DS1 spent the whole of Sunday saying how unfair it was that DS2 had Hexbugs and he didn't and clearly we wished he'd never come home!

How old is DS2?

It's a vicious circle. And the more badly behaved he is, the sweeter and more compliant DS2 is.

This morning, DH asked what they wanted for breakfast. DS2 said porridge, DS1 didn't answer so DH made porridge for both.

Cue DS1 having a massive strop because "DS2 always gets what he wants and I never do"

DS2 is 6, nearly 7.

It's one of those things where everything evens out in the end. Sometimes DS2 is the one having a mare, sometimes DS1 gets his choice.

I think maybe there has been a shift to make it more equal between DS1 & DS2. When DS2 was younger he very much tagged along with DS1 whatever he was doing but now has interests of this own.

DS1 also gets very upset if DS2 wants to do the same thing as him.

I ricochet between being genuinely worried that he really feels we don't love him, and being desperate to prove to him that we do.

To thinking that he has just found a way to get attention and to get his own way, and that we shouldn't be rewarding that behaviour.

But the more sanctions/punishments we inflict, the more isolated he feels.

Have you tried ignoring it? Walk away. Leave him to it? He might ramp it up a bit at first, but if you don't give him any attention for his outbursts (which is what he wants and he is receiving) then he's not being rewarded with attention. Over praise the good, ignore the bad, still works past the toddler years.

We've tried that, however he goes to greater and greater lengths. Either throwing things around or trying to hurt one of us (usually his brother).

So for example, yesterday I ignored him trying to hit me with the newspaper, so he moved onto my husband. When we ignore him he gets even more frustrated as he thinks we are teasing him.

The last time he overturned the chair in his room, ripped all the posters of the wall, emptied a couple of toy boxes and then started throwing toys down the stairs.

Him making his room untidy we can handle but not throwing stuff at the walls!

We try issuing consequences but it makes the issue worse as they either both lose out (which is unfair on DS2) or he cries favouritism even louder.

I do understand how you feel. My 7 year old DD2 is exactly the same. Cries herself to sleep some nights about how unfair things are and how much I obviously love DD1 more than I love her! I end up pussyfooting around her, which results in DD1 being upset. DD2 is also extremely violent towards DD1 when she doesn't get her own way. She is extremely anxious to the point of making herself ill when she doesn't feel she is being treated properly. She is currently being assessed for ADHD and ASD. I think she fits the criteria for PDA (obviously there is more to it than just this issue). Is some sort of ASD something you have ever considered a possibility for your DS? Is he generally anxious about other things?

You need a specialist child counsellor/coach/therapist. I'd not go through school just yet personally, but do some research about children's support services in your area (if you're in north Herts I can recommend a wonderful lady) and see if you can find someone privately. You'll wait for months if you rely on school/doctors etc and the system will start noting you and your son, yet do nothing to actually help either.

If anything I would say DS is more likely to be ADHD. We have often said that he shows lots of the characteristics. He's rarely still or quiet, struggles to focus or concentrate, easily distracted.

He's a complicated soul. Although I would say he is very confident and outgoing, he does get anxious about new things, gets very frustrated if something's not perfect.

For example, he will often work quite hard on something and then screw it up because "it's ruined" or "it's rubbish"

No matter how hard we praise him it never seems to make a difference.

Is there something else going on? Is he sleeping ok, struggling with any friendships at school?

I can kind of understand why he felt left out about the shopping trip with his brother. Even though he was off having a nice time with his friend, his family were having a nice time together. It's irrational to us but perhaps not to an angry 9 year old.

It sounds as though he is an sensitive boy, the way he thinks you're teasing him if you ignore him. He needs help to learn to deal with his emotions in a non violent way. So you probably all need a hand with that.

I am not sure that school is the way to go.

As others suggested, find out what support is available in your area. In some areas CAMHS services are really over stretched but it's better in other places.

My dd, 9 too, also,has trouble controlling her emotions at home. But she is perfect at home... You have my sympathy as I know it's hard.

Sorry, that was meant to say perfect at school, not at home !!!

This morning, DH asked what they wanted for breakfast. DS2 said porridge, DS1 didn't answer so DH made porridge for both. Cue DS1 having a massive strop because "DS2 always gets what he wants and I never do"

You need to point out that he had his opportunity to suggest breakfast and in reality - he said nothing so you could have given him just that - nothing!

IME with children like this, no amount of 'pointing out' or reasoning makes a difference - they are so firmly entrenched in their belief they are right that it just doesn't help.

We have a days of the week rule - each day is one child's turn. Since we have two kids this is fine, and dad gets his trim on Sunday! So choice of breakfast, TV programme etc is just a question of 'whose day is it to choose?'. This works well for my older daughter, who also thinks that her little sister gets more / better than her.

Plus they have different but similar chores, so I'm not nagging dd1 about X unless I can also either remind dd2 about Y or say that she's already done it.

So what would help Brocklady?

Bounced - I think that might work.

I think the issue is that DS1 doesn't notice when he gets his choice, only when he doesn't.

For example, DS1 will complain about dinner most nights. DS2 rarely complains despite neither of them choosing. However DS1 will often say "you always choose things that DS2 likes and not me!"