to ask the school to help with DS1's behaviour

[recyclingbag]

I've posted this in behaviour too.

I'm at the end of my tether with 9 year old DS1. Our weekends are increasingly spent dealing with his stroppiness and violent outbursts and I'm at a loss what to do.

His behaviour always stems from his feeling that we love DS2 more. This is not true and I'm not entirely sure what specific things make him feel like that. They certainly get equal attention, affection, everything else.

However he picks up on every little thing as a major slight and goes off in a massive strop. He's also becoming more and more violent and he is a BIG 9 year old.

It's not uncontrollable rage, it's almost measured and calm. For example he's just casually turn over the chair in his bedroom, or take all the posters off the wall. Or he'll sit methodically kicking the door/wall.

Also, he is becoming more violent and I'm nervous that it is going to get out of hand. Yesterday DS1 got hit in the face by DH. I was there and saw what happened - DS1 was trying to hit DH from behind (and he had hit me), DH turned round to stop him and caught his eye with his hand. DS1 now saying "Daddy punched me in the face." He genuinely didn't but I don't think DS realises the consequences of what would happen if he started repeating those things.

I can't remember the last weekend which was incident free. His poor brother is also missing out because DS1 is being so disruptive.

The problem is, if we sanction his behaviour it just reinforces in his mind that we favour DS2.

He kicks and yells and strops, we react and then he says "see, I told you so".

It is making us all miserable and is only getting worse.

Do you think the school could help? I'm not sure how but I don't know where to turn.

I don't know, recycling. I was trying to be supportive of you because I am sure you have reasoned with your DS1 numerous times, and to explain that reasoning often doesn't seem to work with these children, but I don't have any easy answers so I'll bow out.

How would you feel about referring him to CAMHS?

I would recommend The New Forest Parenting Programme. I did it when my eldest was diagnosed with ADHD. It's about thinking about and changing my response to her, rather than trying to directly change her behaviour.

Brock I didn't mean to be rude, it was a genuine question.

It sounded like you had some experience.

That's interesting Alice.

Do you think I could ask the school about ADHD? I always thought they would pick it up if they genuinely thought there was a problem - rather than me putting it down to my slack parenting.

IME school can be helpful or unhelpful in equal measures. My DD1's school were great, as she was also struggling there. However, my DD2 is an angel at school, perfect at masking then blowing up when she comes home. Despite the fact that CAMHS are keen to diagnose, the school still claim they have no issues with her.

But CAMHS are very experienced in reading between the lines of what the school say.

Go see your GP (without DS but make the appointment in his name) and explain your concerns. If you directly ask for referral, they have to make it. What you tell them is what will go in the referral, so if you don't give them enough information, they might reject it.