Xmas related! Who to please?

[Glitzy75]

At my wits end and it's only November.

Spent last 2 Xmas at home with kids and my parents. Elderly dad with dementia and slightly younger but sick mum. Widowed mil who has spent last 2 Xmas with Bil and family. We usually do year around with my parents coming to mil but last two years they have been 2 sick to make the 4 hour round trip.

This year mil wants us at her house. My parents couldn't cope with journey. I'm now guilt tripped as my parents now going to be alone at home just another day for my mum caring for my dad who has no idea what day it is.

Would make more sense for everyone to come to mine but mil wants it at hers. If we don't go then she will be home alone. Dh wants to go to hers and i know it's obit fair as we have been home last 2 years. No matter what we do someone is upset or alone and I feel shit about it. What would you do?

Any chance you hire a really big, comfy car or minibus, your parents come to yours on Xmas eve or before, and on morning of 25th you drive them and you up to your MILs?

I'd be bloody furious at DH! He knows that one of the main reasons you've spent the last 2 Christmases with your parents is because of your fathers age and ailing health. Without wanting to raise the sensitive issue, what's to say this won't be your fathers last Christmas?
Equally, you both want to spend time with his DM. The perfect, and obvious solution is for MIL to come to yours. Everyone would be happy.
The only reason this can't happen is because she doesn't want to be away from home! I'm afraid that sounds very selfish to me.
Surely she doesn't need to stay overnight? One of you collect her in the morning, the other tske her home in the evening?
It's your DH who is being ridiculous in not explaining to his DM that it's important your parents are not left alone on Christmas day.

Unfortunately not. My dad is wheelchair bound and has a hospital bed and equipment at home he has to be there of a night. He also needs a specialised car that mum has so only way of getting there is her driving.

Dh has been on board past few years but this year as mil doesn't have her other son it's what she wants goes. I do understand that and we asked her what she wanted to do for Xmas feeling guilty the last few years had all been about my family. Just didn't expect her to make the choice she did knowing it meant my parents couldn't come. I secretly suspect that's why she wants to stay home as I think she is uncomfortable around them.

Just leaves a rotten taste in my mouth when it could so easily be sorted.

Totally agree gazelda. I would be happy to do all the driving if it meant we could all be here

You go to your parents & yourhusband to his mum?

We have 2 small children so not an option in afraid. Will just have to see how it pans out.

If your dh is so insistent on going to his mothers then let him. You and the kids don't have to go with him. He could compromise and spend a couple of hours in the afternoon with his mother, or perhaps the evening. Maybe if he goes in the evening the kids could go too?

MIl is being incredibly selfish. I would not pander to it. christmas at yours would leave nobody home alone so is the best option. Tell her that's what's happening but not to feel like she has to come! Point out to your also selfish DH that mil happily travels elsewhere.

I don't think that MIL is being "incredibly selfish" for wanting to host CD at hers!

OP if your mum wasn't already guilt tripping you might feel OK saying that you'd do CD with MIL & see them some other time during the Christmas period.

You also put that you both get on great with MIL, not so much with your mum, so it's no surprise that yourhusband would like to go to MIL.

Perhaps your MIL doesn't find yourmum so easy so would prefer a CD without her?

Not selfish for wanting to host, selfish given the circumstances that op's parents would subsequently be left out & therefore have a crummy Christmas. Surely given the circumstances the nicest thing to do would be for mil to compromise, especially since she is willing & able to travel to bil/sil usually. Whether she prefers Christmas with op's parents or not is her issue, as they are part of op's & their dc's family too & should not be excluded on mil's say so.

Wow. I'm staggered that this is even a question.

MIL wants you to come to her place and leave your own mother alone caring for her wheelchair bound husband, with dementia, who won't even know it's Christmas?

Your mother has no control over her situation and MIL has a preference over where she wants to spend Christmas day. I would go to my mother. If my husband supported a preference over a need I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him or his mother.

Yes we all would like to have things our own way, but your mother is coping with the fact that her husband has a major illness and it must be horribly traumatic for her. To take away Christmas day from her is soulless, selfish and not in the Christmas spirit at all. Being part of a family involves supporting each other. Not abandoning one in time of need because she's had two turns and MIL wants a turn... childish, selfish, abhorrent...

I would also send his mother a lump of coal for Christmas. Her behaviour definitely doesn't put her on the nice list.

I've just seen that you have two small children. Is this what you want to teach them? Christmas is about doing as we please and abandoning those in need. Super.

Just say Xmas is at yours and everyone is welcome and thats that. Could you collect MIL.

Simply put there are more of you than of MIL so she will have to row in. I am all for big family Christmases but at some stage older generations just have to roll with it.

Is it possible that this could be about your children and not the grandparents? 'Dear grandparents, we want the children to have Christmas at home. You are very welcome, our movements and non negotiable'

i agree with habari

Your mil is being incredibly selfish given the circumstances- she sounds like a toddler stamping her feet and dh sounds terrified of upsetting her.
Do not give into her tell dh your offer still stands and you'd love it if she joined you at your house for Xmas as given the circumstances you are not in a position to go to her house for Xmas this year. If she refuses then sod her basically - sounds like she's pulling rank over you and your parents. If you dh still wants to go tell him he's welcome to- but you and the kids will be staying with your parents at home as they are physically unable to travel whereas mil just doesn't want to.

Will your parents be able to travel to you though?

Itis a difficult situation.

Perhaps MIL would rather be alone thathave to spend the day with OPs parents?

If your parents can't do the journey to MILs, perhaps it's better if they don't travel at all& you go to them, OP?

Let husband & MIL do what they want based on this?

I am genuinely torn on this. I guess from your mil's pov, she doesn't view your parents as her family and doesn't want to spend CD with people she doesn't particularly like. That is her prerogative. She isn't viewing your parents as her responsibility. I kind of get that.

Otoh, you feel your parents are your responsibility and don't want to leave them alone.

My honest opinion is that they are both being a bit selfish. Mil, for knowingly putting you in this position and your mum for guilt tripping and not understanding that you have more people to consider than just her.

You cant win, so I suggest you do whatever you personally would prefer to do. Fwiw, I don't think it would be the end of the world for your mum to celebrate on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. She is being a bit bratty too. I know it must be truly awful to be in her situation but as your mum, she is being selfish too in making this entirely your problem to resolve.

Barbarian I don't think that's what the OP is proposing, I think that is what the OP's MIL is proposing.

OPs mum is living with a husband with dementia. I would count her as someone in need of family support and love and she can't travel to the MIL's house on Christmas day. MIL thinks everyone should go to her house anyway and leave OPs mum on her own.

I agree with your suggestion though as that means OP's mum can manage to get to her house and MIL could still see the grandchildren.

Thanks for all the advice/opinions.

Yes my parents could come to us as we have a wheelchair accessible house mil does not. My father is also used to my home.

I have decided to speak to her personally and explain the situation again and ask her to come here so nobody misses out. If she refuses then I will have to have a conversation with dh again as it turned into a very upsetting situation which I don't want getting out of hand.

What does anger me though is ds2 joined our family 2 years ago this will be his 3ed Christmas with us and mil has chosen to not come here for his first 2 years home although she has been invited so I feel less inclined to jump through her hoops now to give her the Xmas she wants. Looking at it logically I am pretty sure she does not want to spend Christmas Day with my parents. Nothing else makes sense.

Remember that you don't owe it to her to spend the day at her house - it is your Christmas too and as much as she has the right not to go to yours, so you have the right to decline to go to hers.

What I will advise is that you speak to your husband before you speak to mil again, so you are in agreement. If he actually wants to go to his mum's,rather than being guilted into it, then that changes things somewhat because he too is allowed the Christmas of his choosing every so often.

Best of luck

I was thinking about your situation and wondering what I'd do if I really didn't 'get on' with my DiL's mother. As it is we're different kinds of people but have enough in common to be able to get along with each other just fine.

I thought about it and decided that even if I disliked the woman intensely, I'd still go to my son and DiL's house for Christmas, especially if I had grandchildren, and especially under the circumstances (your ill parents). Because, bottom line, DiL's parents are just as much family to my son and his wife as DH and I are. And that sometimes you just have to 'give' a little, especially at Christmas. I would hope that I would have enough charity in my heart to understand that.

The important part is being together. Where we're together doesn't matter. And if that means I have to show some charity and a bit of forbearance, so be it.

Thanks everyone for all your words of wisdom.

Am delighted to update that my mil has graciously agreed to come here. I am picking her up and dripping her home again which she is happy enough with. Feel so relieved I was very upset at the thought of them alone on Xmas day. Not a biggie for dad as he has no idea but it would have been rotten for my mum when so easily solved. Also was so worried I may not get another Xmas with my dad so I feel so much happier. Not sure what the atmosphere will be like but hey ho everyone that matters will be here and they will just have to get on with it. Thanks to everyone who has given me advice I do appreciate it