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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop helping with journeys?

31 replies

ToastMama · 15/11/2015 18:56

It looks as though my ex husband and his new wife are moving away now that they're expecting their first baby together. They're currently in London (45mins on a good day) from us, and the new location would add an hour easily to that journey. Our DS spends every other weekend with them, and our current arrangement with travel is that my ex collects him on a Friday evening/Saturday morning and I then pick him up on Sunday afternoon.

I already resent spending 2hrs on a Sunday in the car, but do it without a fuss as it's for DS's benefit. The ex and I were living where I currently live now when we went our separate ways, and he chose to return to where he grew up in London, so the current distance was dictated by his desire to move "home".

Would I be unreasonable to ask that he takes on all the travelling once they've moved? I can't find any legal advice online regarding this specific situation, and as with so many other issues between exes, I think it comes down to what works for the individuals and what's best for the child.

Someone please tell me I don't have to do it.... Confused

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 15/11/2015 19:00

I believe the starting point is to split the travel/costs equally. His child support to you can be reduced if his travelling costs are considered excessive.

VulcanWoman · 15/11/2015 19:04

His choice to move away, so I think he should deal with it. I don't understand why parents move away from their children.

ClaireLumia · 15/11/2015 19:29

If i were you I'd do the same amount of driving that you currently do and let him meet you on the Sunday as he's the one that's moved further away (twice!).

mintoil · 15/11/2015 19:34

No, I would not wish to do the travelling in a situation like this. If he chooses to move away he can do the travelling.

ragged · 15/11/2015 19:42

I don't think double the journey time is so crazy.
I wouldn't want to feel that I did anything to damage their relationship so I think I would try to go for at least 1/3 of the travel distance they need, and willing to consider up to half.
Good luck.

florentina1 · 15/11/2015 19:48

Will he be reasonable. Maybe you could collect every other week and see how it goes.

PippaPug · 15/11/2015 19:51

How old is he?
Train?

JeffsanArsehole · 15/11/2015 19:54

No, I wouldn't spend every Sunday for 4 hours facilitating contact. What a crap weekend for you.

He can do it if he moves and reduce the child support accordingly.

Weathergames · 15/11/2015 19:58

The CSA only take into account when the children are actually in the car.

Both my exes have always done the driving although one is local and the other moved 30 miles away.

OH has always done all the driving for his DC as his ex doesn't drive. This included Glasgow to Devon Friday and back Sunday twice a month.

Prettyinblue · 15/11/2015 20:03

We did all the driving with DSS, his mum (main carer) moved about a 3 hr round trip,

She can't drive so DH did it all. It was difficult as we had three small children and he worked a 50 hr week but otherwise we wouldn't have seen DSS. When he got to 13 he used to get the train and we would pick him up.

How about you offer to do one in every four journeys?

MythicalKings · 15/11/2015 20:05

He chose to move - he does the travelling.

BlueJug · 15/11/2015 20:16

I think you should do it. It is for your child. DS's dad will have another child to consider, one that lives with him, and soon if he has to all the driving that will impact on his second child. Three years down the line it will be very difficult for all kids. You can score points, and say "well it is his fault" and enjoy the fact that you have more time with DS and less hassle - but that isn't what having a child is about.

If DS finds he is an excellent tennis player or swimmer I am sure that you wouldn't think twice about driving all over the country to enable him to pursue his sport -but because it is to see his Dad, whom you don't particularly want in your life, you think it is too much hassle.

Jux · 15/11/2015 20:23

When someone plans to move, it's one of the things you factor in, surely? How far to work, how far to friends, how far to family, how far to children etc.

Presumably he's thought about it, and perhaps he's just hoping that you won't kick up a fuss but just go along with it. Try saying no, and then work from there.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/11/2015 20:24

Are you kidding BlueJug?! Why should OP bend over backwards because her ex has another child on the way and has decided to move again?!

What if OP has other children? What about the affect on them? And even if she doesn't, why is 4 hours of OPs time worth less than her ex's?

OP, if you feel you can I would ask him what he plans to do about contact. Force him to spell it out. This will give you the platform to say you are not able to give up four hours of your weekend to drive your son around for his benefit when it was his choice to move.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/11/2015 20:25

Excellent xpost with Jux there!

Weathergames · 15/11/2015 20:30

I dunno - I can see both sides here.

But I kind of agree with BluJug in a way.

OH has been banned from driving so I am currently doing 4 hours driving EIW picking them up from a train station an hours drive away, so he can get his DC back here at a reasonable hour - I don't have to but his relationship with his kids is important to me and when I look at the bigger picture I will know I tried my best to facilitate that.

Scholes34 · 15/11/2015 20:35

OP - if you're starting to get resentful about the journeys, remember that one of the benefits is that you have your child captive during that time and will have some great conversations. Silver lining?

Original poster
ToastMama · 15/11/2015 20:40

I have a 2yr old with my husband, who is lovely and we share the driving of DS to his dad's, so luckily our DS2 doesn't need to be in the car for all that time. But it does already have quite an impact on our weekends, and adding another 2hrs will be pretty rubbish. But I can absolutely see that I need to contribute positively to DSs relationship with his dad, and that going half way (or sticking to our existing rough mileage and meeting somewhere en route) might be the best option.

Just feeling resentful that he seemingly plans his life according to their own wants and needs without much consideration for ours. Hmmf.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastMama · 15/11/2015 20:41

Scholes - very good point. Some of our best chats are in the car. That is definitely the silver lining Smile

OP posts:
AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 20:42

Glasgow to Devon Shock Shock Shock

(would it be cheaper to fly?)

Maybe83 · 15/11/2015 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weathergames · 15/11/2015 20:44

No not cheaper to fly. He actually did Glasgow to Devon to Dorset in a Friday and repeated on Sunday - twice a month.

He's been moved closer now but CSA only took off £40 for when the kids were actually in the car.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 20:48

oh my god - that is an incredible distance to drive

Weathergames · 15/11/2015 20:50

Yeah - he also came home the weekends we didn't have the kids too.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 20:52

Thats a lovely thing to do WG to drive and collect them... nice one!