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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is cross with me because I can't take DS to see him

37 replies

TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:02

Background: Ex, very brief fling, split up before DS was born. His family are abusive and controlling which have left him with severe issues and learned helplessness. He doesn't pay maintenance, makes no effort to contribute to his son and only wants to see him on his terms. He gets very moody when he doesn't get his way.

Ex wants to take DS to see his nan as she's very ill and hasn't seen DS. I'm completely okay with that! But he wants to go in December. I don't have a car and he lives 3 hours away, so I would have to go when I can use my parents car, so that leaves the weekend. Most weekends in December I already have family things planned. One weekend I'm away. DS is 12 weeks and I don't trust my ex with him without me there as he is irresponsible.

I told him I would try to rearrange things but can't promise, he immediately said I was being a bitch and "clearly busy sleeping with another man", he then proceeded to make digs about my "new boyfriend" and just generally became abusive.

He's since apologised but still claims IABU about this.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 15/11/2015 18:11

I told him I would try to rearrange things but can't promise, he immediately said I was being a bitch and "clearly busy sleeping with another man", he then proceeded to make digs about my "new boyfriend" and just generally became abusive

'Oh dear, and there was me trying to rearrange things. Never mind. See ya'.

QueryQuery · 15/11/2015 18:13

Well he's clearly a dick. Tell him to make arrangements if he's that bothered. He can hire you a car or pay for your train tickets. He can use the maintenance money he hadn't bothered to pay.

QueryQuery · 15/11/2015 18:14

Actually, fuck it. I think that would be being to accommodating.

SquinkiesRule · 15/11/2015 18:14

YANBU and you are getting nice reminder of why he is an Ex. He wants to play the victim, leave him too it. Enjoy your baby without him.

QueryQuery · 15/11/2015 18:14

Too. TOO. Fucksake.

Pseudo341 · 15/11/2015 18:15

you know that you're not being unreasonable. I appreciate not everyone sees things this way but personally I don't hold with the view that children should have a relationship with their father at all costs. You're only 12 weeks in to dealing with his twatishness, can you deal with 18 years and more? I'd be making no effort whatsoever to keep this man involved with your DS, hopefully he'll piss off before DS is old enough to notice and you won't have to deal with years of him causing trouble.

Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:16

Thanks guys! I thought it was him being childish but I started to doubt myself as I felt a bit mean.

He does like to play the victim, one of the reasons we split was because he was melodramatic constantly!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/11/2015 18:18

He sounds like a spoiled child and clearly isn't going to be a decent father. Let him make any arrangements necessary. He won't bother. He will soon disappear from your life I expect.

Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:19

You're only 12 weeks in to dealing with his twatishness, can you deal with 18 years and more? I'd be making no effort whatsoever to keep this man involved with your DS, hopefully he'll piss off before DS is old enough to notice and you won't have to deal with years of him causing trouble

I'm the same, I think as long as a child has a loving home, it doesn't matter whether it's a nuclear family or not. I don't want to say he can't see DS because I know he would twist it and tell DS I stopped him seeing him because I'm a bitch rather than because he's an irresponsible twat. But I'm hoping he either grows up (ha) or gets bored.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2015 18:23

You need very good boundaries. And, if he carries on with the abusive stuff, every contact I would have with him would be 'in writing'; emails or texts or letters. He does not get to call his son's mother (or anyone) a bitch.

Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:30

Mrs I think I'll do that it's not the first time he's insulted me, so it's a good idea.

OP posts:
Gobletofgin · 15/11/2015 18:36

Does he have a car? If so he could pick you up if he was so desperate, or pay for your train tickets. He only wants to visit if he has to make no effort and you do all the running around. If you want Nan to see your ds maybe you could Skype/FaceTime ?
He probably will get bored and lose interest, especially if he has to do all the hard work. I think you would be reasonable to make you ds 'available' for contact/ visits but ex needs to do the running around, not you.

MissBattleaxe · 15/11/2015 18:40

Stay firm when he insults you. Say I will not negotiate with a person who verbally abuses me and hang up.

He sounds like he's only interested in his child as a family accessory to show to people anyway.

Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:41

He doesn't have a car

He only wants to visit if he has to make no effort and you do all the running around.

Yep and only when he wants to! He's happy to pretend DS doesn't exist for weeks.

He also tried to bully me into an abortion and wasn't bothered when I had complications that nearly made me give birth prematurely. He only cares about DS selectively

OP posts:
Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 18:43

He sounds like he's only interested in his child as a family accessory to show to people anyway.

He is. I once left him alone with DS while I went to the loo, came back to DS screaming and him just looking at him, handed him back to me and ignored him for the rest of the visit.

He only wants to know when it's easy.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/11/2015 18:46

YANBU, either he makes the effort to me a good and reliable father or he doesnt. He cant demand relationship but expect you to do all the hard work.

MissBattleaxe · 15/11/2015 19:02

He's basically summoned you. Which is a bit rich because he does bugger all for either you or your child the rest of the time by the sound of it.

I would consider a visit to his nan for the nan's sake only, especially if she is in poor health, but not as a favour to him, and I would make it the last time I put myself out for his side of the family.

And he needs to speak to you respectfully or nothing doing.

Cloppysow · 15/11/2015 19:06

Make no more effort. If you have to constantly bend over backwards for him to have a relationship with his child, it's not a relationship your child needs.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2015 19:19

I would stop running about after him, and accommodating him. Set out strict contact arrangements, if he breaks them, cut him loose. A chikd dies not gave to have contact with a deadbeT father, who makes no effort.

Senpai · 15/11/2015 19:24

Your son needs an adult. Not another child.

When he decides to be a grown ass man, get a car, or pay for some tickets to come up and see DS for himself, you may reconsider or not.

I would tell him that this bitch doesn't come when called, and he can fuck off.

ToadsforJustice · 15/11/2015 19:36

Ignore him. Cut him out of your lives. It will be better in the long run.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2015 19:57

I agree with toads, if he's that desparate he can take you to court, and the judge set out strict contact arrangements. I don't think he can be bothered somehow.

Original poster
TaliZorah · 15/11/2015 20:04

I'm nervous about doing that because his mother is a lawyer and very wealthy and they're the type to do it just to spite me Sad

OP posts:
SerenityReynolds · 15/11/2015 20:13

If you're concerned about his family trying to make things difficult for you legally later, all the more reason to only have contact with him via text or email. Then you'll have a record of your attempts to facilitate contact and that you aren't the one BU. Also a hard copy of any insults he sends your way. Keep all contact "professional"/unemotional and leave the ball in his court over how he arranges the practicalities of contact. Good luck, you sound well rid of him Wine

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2015 20:19

Oh dear, I agree with Serenity, stop accommodating him, leave the ball in his court.

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